my worst obstical before death

[waveseer]

I've answered that question twice and now I think it's more important for you to hang onto it unanswered if it's the only thing stopping you.

[dan10]

if you have answered it twice already then i am much much stupider then i thought i am. because i cant figure out where you answered it. so for the sake of me being and idiot and not being able to figure it out can you just finish this sentence for me so that it is plain and clear...

 

The people who say they care about you want you to be miserable because.....(insert reason here)

 

i dont know if it is just me but i couldnt find anything resembling an answer to that

[waveseer]

at least then you'd still be alive long enough to find peace and happiness.

[dan10]

ahhh i see...

 

well its good to know that all these people live in a fantasy world where everything is sunshine and daisies and there is going to be a large helping of happiness in my life somewhere down the road.

 

 

 

thank you very much for answering my question. you are a wonderful nice person and i wish you all the best throughout your life. but now i have to say goodbye. i am going to go to bed now and within the next few weeks i'll be gone... but i'll put in a good word for you in the afterlife.

[agatha]

stop blaming the world for your misery. there's no one up there looking at you and thinking 'what can I do to make him feel worst?'. if god really exists (bear with me, I believe in him, but I need some space to build the argument) do you really, really think he'd create a being just to make it suffer? I don't think so. but he gave us free will, to live our lives as we want to live.

 

and if he doesn't exist and you are but the result of a series of coincidences, hey, you can be alive for about 100 years. which is time enough to experiment on a big bunch of things. what would you like to experiment? happiness? where do you think happiness lies?

[waveseer]

There will be a large helping of happiness in your life somewhere down the road, or right now if you choose.

 

You're welcome, and thank you. You are a wonderful, nice person too and I wish you all the best throughout a long, prosperous, joyous, and free life of your own.

 

I'm in no rush to get into the afterlife club, I'm having too much fun right here.

[agatha]

and if you want to know why people say what they say, it's because they really care. although you are not THE most importan thing in the world for most, you are VERY important. there's a subtlety about it, and I have come to experiment it a couple of times having attempted suicide a couple of times myself.

 

do you really think someone who doesn't care would think about affording 55 days of rehab? that's bloodily expensive!

[knightingale]

There is only so much people can do for you. What are you expecting/wanting them to do for you aside from tell you that they care that you're alive? They obviously care enough to have done all that they have--paid for meds, paid for rehab, pay for therapy. They shouldn't have to do much more than that. I understand that depression is a battle, but in the end happiness is a choice. You're choosing to let these things get to you the way that they do. Can you give me an example of something that is actually so awful that living is just so unbearable? Life's a b*tch, man, but I've got stories that will bring tears to your eyes of real problems from just my family, but they continue to press on with smiles on their faces.

 

If you're a believer in God, then maybe you need to start seeing Him as an ally instead of making Him the enemy. Do whatever it takes to get to that point. I believe that what is often seen as mental depression is spiritual depression. I'm not saying that you have to be a Christian or a Buddhist or Jewish to be spiritually content and happy, I'm saying that an overall peace with who you are and what surrounds you (a spiritual connection) can make a world of difference. Do freakin' yoga if you have to. Backpack through Europe. Move to another city. DO SOMETHING! Sometimes good things just happen, and sometimes you have to make them happen. I'd say, in your case, you need to make them happen.

 

You're 18 years old! You have so much ahead of you. Killing yourself just doesn't make any sense to me.

[yorudemomierum]

answer a few questions, please.

What is the thing you enjoy more about life?

what do you hate more about life?

is there anything you iwshed you could be (like a job)?

[jul-els]

ok how bout i put that into a bit of a different context and you can decide if it is a good way to look at things or not. (i know i am going a little overboard but i am leaving the basic idea in tact)

 

i have a bottle of bleach in front of me. i pour some into a glass and think "i'm happy that i have something to drink"

 

sounds kinda rediculous doesnt it?

 

Very. That's because pouring yourself a glass of bleach would be a ridiculous thing to do. No one would be happy doing that. You have many choices of things to drink. Bleach isn't one of them. Why not choose something you like? Don't you agree it would make you happier?

[dan10]

and if you want to know why people say what they say, it's because they really care. although you are not THE most importan thing in the world for most, you are VERY important. there's a subtlety about it, and I have come to experiment it a couple of times having attempted suicide a couple of times myself.

 

do you really think someone who doesn't care would think about affording 55 days of rehab? that's bloodily expensive!

 

if they really care, then how, and in what messed up world does caring about someone and making them suffer mean the same thing. everyone who "cares" tells me that i need to live. which means that i am going to have to suffer. maybe i'm dilusional but how do those two things mean the same?

 

 

 

If you're a believer in God, then maybe you need to start seeing Him as an ally instead of making Him the enemy. Do whatever it takes to get to that point. I believe that what is often seen as mental depression is spiritual depression. I'm not saying that you have to be a Christian or a Buddhist or Jewish to be spiritually content and happy, I'm saying that an overall peace with who you are and what surrounds you (a spiritual connection) can make a world of difference. Do freakin' yoga if you have to. Backpack through Europe. Move to another city. DO SOMETHING! Sometimes good things just happen, and sometimes you have to make them happen. I'd say, in your case, you need to make them happen.

 

i'm not making god an enemy. the bible is what tells me that god is an enemy. a lot of people say that they believe in god and they read their bible and that god is great and wonderful... but if you read the parts where god comes out of heaven (not jesus but god himself... herself... itself...) either someone gets killed by him or someone gets punished or someone gets sent into the desert for 40 years for no reason. i didnt decide that god was the bad guy. the bible says so

 

answer a few questions, please.

What is the thing you enjoy more about life?

what do you hate more about life?

is there anything you iwshed you could be (like a job)?

 

the thing i enjoy in life is being far far away from humans and having it be just me and animals

 

i hate having to be around people

 

and if i could pick something to be it would be isolated from all humanity. however that is a best case scenerio thing where i suddenly get enough money to buy some huge plot of land and make it a restricted air space. which will never happen because for me to make that much money i have to spend to much of my life getting it and to much time with people.

 

Very. That's because pouring yourself a glass of bleach would be a ridiculous thing to do. No one would be happy doing that. You have many choices of things to drink. Bleach isn't one of them. Why not choose something you like? Don't you agree it would make you happier?

 

ok if you dont like the bleach idea how bout someone who is dying of thirst and gets handed a glass of apple juice even though they are allergic to apple juice. should they be happy that they have something to drink, or should they be pissed because either way they are going to die?

[Capricorn3]

How often to you see your therapist?

[dan10]

as much as i can. sometimes we have trouble getting our schedules to work out nicely

[knightingale]

You keep turning everything into a bad thing, maybe that's why you don't even see the good that's right in front of you:

 

Your therapist tries to tell you one thing to be a good thing, and you over-analyze into meaning something bad (i.e. his survival of the fittest analogy). You are turning the people who care about into bad guys for caring that you're alive, because it means they are actually plotting against you and your wish to die. Things aren't working out with girls that AREN'T EVEN AVAILABLE, which saves you from pending drama from their boyfriends and allows you to find someone who is AVAILABLE and wants you and only you.

 

And the bible doesn't say anywhere that God is the enemy. You're living in the old testament, for one thing. Nowhere in the bible does it say that a believer in God is going to have an easy life--the exact opposite actually. It's not really faith unless it's being tested. If believing in God and seeing Him as an ally were easy, everyone would be a Christian.

 

You have yet to give a good reason, an actual convincing reason, why your life is so unbearable.

[agatha]

ok, tell me your miseries. each and every one of them. show me your wounds. tell me how people put you through daily pain. because I really want to know how you could get to this point, and no, I'm not being sarcastic about it.

 

BUT if your interpretation of the bible shows you an evil god, ditch the bible and choose some other book to believe in. gaia theories, maybe. I like those, make lots of sense and make me feel as part of something larger. although christianity doesn't have to be a burden as many put it (I found that out on a merry manner, way after I had come to terms with the fact that many people just enjoy seeing god as a bad dude so they have someone they can't control to blame, and won't need to accept the responsability over their own lives - I did this for quite sometime, it's called "refusal to grow up"). nowadays I can be considered a christian in many senses, just became selective on what I choose to believe in or not. tell me I'm wrong, I don't care.

 

and you know, I think what you need now is some extremely demanding activity in your life, something to exhaust you phisically to a point you stop _thinking_ about your life and start _living_ it carelessly. what I believe you need right now is the exactly opposite of what you think would make you happy. but that's just my opinion, and I'm giving it for free.

[dan10]

first off my therapist was the one who not only told me about the basic desire to live. but he also was the one that pointed out i was defective so i should die. that wasnt me over analyzing anything.

 

second i dont want a girl that is available and wants me and only me because i have commitment issues. i just recently broke a grils heart because i couldnt stay in a committed exclusive relationship with her. so i broke it off and she didnt go to school for a week. i dont plan on doing that again.

 

third yes i am living in the old testament because a)i was brought up jewish so there is no new testament there. b)from what i hear the new testament is all about jesus and his doings(i may be wrong about that but its what i've heard) and jesus and god are two completely different things. i dont know how some christians can think that they are the same. because if they were there would be no holy trinity.... unless then used the father the father's alternate personality and the holy ghost.

 

fourth the bible doesnt have to say that god is the enemy for it to be true. i mean look at the evidence in front of you. the only people he has ever shown himself to were adam and eve. why not me? i would be the worlds best, whatever religion he told me to be, if god showed up to me. god doesnt give second chances. it is human nature to make mistakes. but if god finds out that u made a mistake thats it. you're done. like adam and eve they make one mistake and they get punished for the rest of their lives. that lady that got turned into a pillar of salt, she makes one mistake and people are using her to preserve meat.

 

 

and here is the reason my life is so unbearable. i dont have a reason for it not to be. noone can give me a logical emotionless reason that i should live. so until someone can i have to presume that there isnt one.

[waveseer]

What about Job? What lesson do you get from his experience?

[jul-els]

 

ok if you dont like the bleach idea how bout someone who is dying of thirst and gets handed a glass of apple juice even though they are allergic to apple juice. should they be happy that they have something to drink, or should they be pissed because either way they are going to die?

 

No, they would say "I can't drink that I'm allergic to it. Please give me some water." C'mon Dan, you can see the logic in that can't you?

[dan10]

it started when i was a really little kid like 2 yrs old or something when my parents neglected me because my older brother had cance. the rest started in third grade. i had a very nice teacher who said that at the end of the year if we all did good in class she would bring in her pet rabbit so we could play with it. so i got all excited about this all year and then when the end of the year rolls around we never get to play with the damn bunny because the teacher said it died. thats when i started disliking people. because to be honest all i got was her word that we would get to play with the bunny there wasnt any pictures of it or anything. so to me it felt like she was just manipulating me. (i happen to love animals so the promise of being able to play with one used to be a very good way to get me to do something) thats when it all started.

 

then in fourth grade i had a real b**** of a teacher. and she seemed like she wanted to just pick on me specifically for some reason i never knew. and i had to put up with this every day 5 days a week all year. that itself isnt so bad but when my mother (who happens to work in the school system) gets on the teacher's side without knowing anything. that really pissed me off. so all through that year i was a pissed off little kid and that was when i started to hate school

 

fifth grade i still disliked school but i had an amazing teacher. (i dont know why, it probably has something to do with guys being laid back more and girls being more uptite, but ever since fourth grade i have only had 4 female teachers that i didnt have problems with, two of them were P.E. teachers and 2 of them were at a different system of school because i got pulled out of conventional) but anyways i had a great teacher (a guy) and he was really nice and fun and everything but i still didnt like school because it had been ruined for me and i still had my mother * * * * * ing at me.

 

over the next year and a half (6th and half of 7th grade) i started isolating myself because nearly everyone was pissing me off. so i started eating lunch alone playing alone, i had a couple of friends that i hung out with but it was like 3 people. and i kept getting more and more pissed off and depressed. especially when my mother made me as a 12 year old decide whether or not to have my best friend (aka my dog) killed. i dont regret making the decision to kill her because she did have cancer and a tumor and a badly infected leg, but a 12 year old should not have to make that decision. over that time i also started cutting myself. i dont know when exactly but i did. at least twice a week at the beginning. once it got bad to the point people could start noticing it even though i was isolated almost all the time. my mother pulled me out of regular school and put me on independent study so that i wouldnt be a problem. and also i was failing most of my classes because i was still pissed off every single day with noone to give me a reason not to be. independent study was fine the teachers were nice (even the women) prolly because it wasnt a classroom setting it was one on one for 2 hrs a week. and i got through all my classes. this ended up being the best school experience for me because i learned what i needed to learn and didnt have to sit through the same explination of something over and over when other people needed it (which was one thing that kept pissing me off in school and still does to this day even though i am in college now) i only had to sit through the explinations when i didnt understand it. however this added to me being isolated. i had about 2 friends at this point, neither of which i would see on any sort of regular basis. and i was still pissed off at my mother for being my mother and not leaving me alone about anything. and i kept cutting.

 

after about a year of me getting worse and worse i started having suicidal thoughts and told my parents about that (big mistake) because they sent me to the mental ward at some hospital when i was 15. they pulled me out 4 days later because all i did was sit around and find ways to cut myself without the staff being able to stop me. (i.e a sharpened quarter that i made using the shower floor) then about a month after that when i was still exactly the same as i had been i was sent to an actual mental hospital. i didnt recognize it at the time but this place was great. i got to sit around all day doing nothing. i didnt have to deal with my family and i got school credit for sitting on a crappy couch for an hour a day watching some retarded video. however i did have to put up with the crap that the staff gave me. and i had to take meds that did nothing. so that really ticked me off. and so one day when i wanted to call my mother and they wouldnt let me, i tried to hang myself in my room. obviously they stopped me and then locked me in a room with a bed and nothing else. and on top of that the room was only like 60 degrees and i had shorts and a t shirt on with no shoes or anything. i had to stand at the door knocking on it for about an hour so that i could have someone unlock the bathroom for me so i could pee. that was ridiculous. and then when i was trying to go to sleep because i figured they werent letting me out that night, they sent in five guys to grab me slam my head down when i looked up to see who was coming in and then give me a shot in the butt of what i think was a tranquilizer to calm me down (when i was already just trying to go to sleep and had been calm the whole time) the best part is that when i asked them if i could just talk to someone for a second to find out what is going on they wouldnt talk to me and one guy said "i think the technical term is you're getting a shot in the ass" and yes this is the truth but no one believes me because i'm the crazy patient so who would trust me over the staff who did this right? so that pissed me off real bad and i bs'd the psychologist or whatever he was technically called into believing that i was find and could be discharged. that only took me 2 days so this guy was really gullible.

 

things kept getting worse over the next few years. more cutting (got it up to at least once a day and some days i would cut myself several times. actually one day i remember that i couldnt cut because the area that i was cutting myself in was so full of cuts that there wasnt anywhere left to cut.

 

after that my parents sent me away again for 55 days this time to some bull * * * * hiking crap of a place. where again they assulted me when i didnt do what they wanted.

 

and thats not even all of the crap that i have to put up with. let me know if you want me to put more up cause this could take a long time

[dan10]

No, they would say "I can't drink that I'm allergic to it. Please give me some water." C'mon Dan, you can see the logic in that can't you?

 

ya i can see the logic in it. but i never said that water was available.

[jul-els]

ya i can see the logic in it. but i never said that water was available.

 

What if it was? It usually is, right? Surely there must be something else available. The only way to know is to check it out. You never know, you just might discover a wonderful beverage that you never knew existed before.

[agatha]

your story is actually interesting, you know? mind telling more?

[dan10]

just an update for anyone keeping up with me... i think i might just be severely depressed (which is what i'm diagnosed as) and thats y i want to die. i've been on meds and they have either had no effect or made things worse. so i dont take meds and i'm not going to because they are just a waste of money. not to mention... i'm a firm believer in being myself and i dont want to be anything but that. so if i take meds i feel like i'm not me. because if me is a depressed person then thats how it is going to be. i'd honestly rather be dead then give up myself.

 

but back to the reason for this update... right now i feel like dieing. nothing bad happened today... in fact today was a great wonderful day for me. i got to sleep in till about noon. hung out for a few hours before going to the last day of my weightlifting class where we pretty much just had a bunch of fun. then i went out to dinner with my grandparents. watched one of my favorite shows on tv and then played some video games. so today was a really great day for me. and yet i still feel like i want to die.

 

i know this may sound crazy but i really think that subconciously i dont believe that i should be alive. i think that deep down i feel like i deserve to be dead because i changed. i liked who i was when i was sent away... (i know this part sounds crazy) i talked to the devil and was working on bettering myself in certain ways. now i still talk to the devil but i lost that part of me that was able to control my emotions. it used to be that i could stop all my emotions and convert them into anger and rage. it gave me a sense of power and of happiness that i think the only thing to rival it is true love. and it made me think clearly. i could respond quickly and apropriately to any situation within miliseconds and i didnt even have to think about it. now i am getting slower. i cant make every emotion into anger and rage as easily, in fact it takes alot of effort, and the worst part is that i can feel. and i dont like it. i know that everyone thinks i should feel emotions and it is good, but i didnt want to kill myself when i couldnt, i didnt even have suicidal thoughts, and to be honest i wasnt even depressed. sure i had my problems but i was happy.

 

so i think the reason i want to die is because deep deep down in the very core of who i am i dont believe i deserve to live.

 

any thoughts on that?

[waveseer]

I think you are your own worst enemy and although part of you wants help the other part is screaming NO so loudly you can barely hear me say you deserve to live a long, happy, and fruitful life.

[knightingale]

1. I suggest you get a new therapist.

 

2. You keep creating these moments of misery for yourself. Don't say you don't want a girl who is available, and then say you want to die because the unavailable girl doesn't want you.

 

3. God gives a thousand chances. That is EXACTLY what the new testament is about. He sent his SON, a human embodiment of himself, to die for our sins, for the sins Adam and Eve and Satan created, so that we could have those 1,001 second chances. That's the whole point of the new testament! The holy trinity is one in the same, therefore Christ, the Holy Spirit and God are one in the same.

 

4. How many people aside from yourself have said, "If God is going to show himself to anyone it should be me!" If he were to show himself to everyone, like I said, it wouldn't be FAITH anymore. And talking to the devil, GOD'S ENEMY probably isn't helping matters much. The Devil wants people to give up and kill themselves.

 

Maybe you should stop believing in God for sake of having someone to blame and start taking responsibility for your own life.