my worst obstical before death

[agatha]

when was the last time you felt life was really really worth it?

 

(how was beach?)

 

and... three things that can make one happy without backfiring happiness?

 

1-I like to watch the sunrise, because it's romantic (in a sense that few people actually see it) and reminds me that, no matter what happens during the next hours, after darkness light will inevitably come.

 

2-I also love walking my dog, because no matter how awful my day was, how much I messed everything up, he'll always look at me with happy eyes (talk about unconditional love = )

 

3-and, random as it may seem, I like to go on long walks, eventually pick a flower from a garden and hand it to the next person I meet. often catch them off-guard, and I get the prettiest smiles = D making them happy surely makes me very happy...

 

see, all these three are for free, and have little or no risk at all of turning into something bad ; )

[knightingale]

Making/seeing someone smile is a purely good thing, for sure, agatha!

[dan10]

i know this is going to sound like i am just trying to argue and that i'm being difficult and all that stuff, but here are the reasons why there are bad things about those. and yes they are insignificant and yes i am only pointing them out because i want to show that there is bad in these things

 

1. sunrise - i have to get up wayyyy to early to see the sunrise. where i live the sun comes up around 430 am. so i either need to get up way to early... or i need to stay up way to late.

 

2. walking the dog- i dont know about your relationship with your dog but mine doesnt like being around me unless she is getting something out of it. i.e. a dog treat or food. so even when i want to be with my dog on a walk or whatever she leaves me. which is a bit depressing to me

 

3. going on long walks- for people with good lives, ya i can see how this would be nice. but for people like me who have miserable lives this only gives us more time to think about how miserable we are and in turn making us more miserable

 

and lastly, making someone smile- this only reminds me of how much i want to smile but cant.

 

so those are the reasons that those things arent purely good. yes i know that i am just pulling anything bad i can out of them but that is the point i am trying to make.

 

 

and about the last time i thought life was worth it.... about 2 years ago... give or take 3 months. after that i dont think it is worth it.

[knightingale]

What was going on with your life 2 years ago that made life worth living?

 

And what about music being a purely good thing?

[agatha]

1- well, whenever I decide to watch the sunrise, I stay up to see it, what's so painful about it?

 

2- well, I've bought my dog's affection with treats ever since he was a puppy- nothing wrong about it = ). food makes him happy, he makes me happy by hanging around and playing fetch. you gotta give something to receive anything back, baby. usually dogs bring you a lot more than you gave them initially, so it's a profitable business there.

 

3- I used to take those whenever I was so depressed I felt like jumping from the 10th floor, baby. it was my personal effort to get out of it. now that I'm happy-go-lucky it's been a year and a half since my last 3 hour aimless walk.

 

and oh, btw, you can smile, dude. you are TOTALLY allowed to. just don't want. 'oh I have no reason, leave me alone...'

 

why should you need a reason to smile? smile just because you want to. and if anyone asks why you're smiling shoot back 'cuz I want to X D'. (yeah, I'm a stupid fool who thinks life can be pink if you paint it pink. laugh at my foolish stupidity if you need to X D)

 

why did you think it was worth it?

[dan10]

What was going on with your life 2 years ago that made life worth living?

 

And what about music being a purely good thing?

 

i had her. thats what made it worth living. i know this will sound stupid but i even thought it was worth living after she broke up with me. i dont remember all the good things... i know there had to be something because i asked the next girl to marry me.... we broke up badly but i dont remember what was so great about her. it had to have been something though... right?

 

but the things i do remember are the happy feelings of being with my first girl. even when i was injuring myself, somehow she made me smile and made it all better. but i dont have that anymore. and those memories just make not having it worse. i dont know who said "its better to have loved and lost then never loved at all" but whoever said that was the worlds biggest idiot.

 

 

and are you kidding about the music? at least half the music out there is all about love. and most of those make me depressed because they talk about how great love is. and then i remember that i dont have it. and now that i think about it... i only have one shot left. i know that i should be able to be happy... but if i dont gte her back i dont think i'll make it. time hasnt made loosing her any less painful so far. and it would be stupid of me to expect that it will just by sitting around waiting.

 

1- well, whenever I decide to watch the sunrise, I stay up to see it, what's so painful about it?

 

2- well, I've bought my dog's affection with treats ever since he was a puppy- nothing wrong about it = ). food makes him happy, he makes me happy by hanging around and playing fetch. you gotta give something to receive anything back, baby. usually dogs bring you a lot more than you gave them initially, so it's a profitable business there.

 

3- I used to take those whenever I was so depressed I felt like jumping from the 10th floor, baby. it was my personal effort to get out of it. now that I'm happy-go-lucky it's been a year and a half since my last 3 hour aimless walk.

 

and oh, btw, you can smile, dude. you are TOTALLY allowed to. just don't want. 'oh I have no reason, leave me alone...'

 

why should you need a reason to smile? smile just because you want to. and if anyone asks why you're smiling shoot back 'cuz I want to X D'. (yeah, I'm a stupid fool who thinks life can be pink if you paint it pink. laugh at my foolish stupidity if you need to X D)

 

why did you think it was worth it?

 

whats painful about staying up to watch the sunrise is that when i get tired i get more depressed. it is harder for me to keep my mind off of depressing thoughts when i get tired. and thats why every night i go to bed wishing i wont wake up. and as for the other things... i'm glad they are all sunshine and daisies for you but they arent for me. and i cant find anything that is.

 

and i can tell you exactly why i need a reason to smile. its because if i dont have one smiling makes things worse. if i smile without a reason people ask me what is wrong because i dont usually smile. and if i tell them that nothing is wrong or that i'm smiling just because i want to... then they start pulling me off to the side and asking me privately what is wrong. and if i still deny that anything is wrong they start telling me about how i am always miserable or they think i am hiding something from them and they start getting either hurt or angry that i'm not telling them the truth. so smiling just makes things worse for me

 

but it'd be a good idea if i didnt have to be around people who know me.

[knightingale]

So listen to music you want to listen to . . . the other half that isn't about love. When I said music, I meant music that I actually like.

 

And if people are picking on you for smiling, tell them to shut up. Seriously. It's the exact opposite for me. I smile a lot, so if I am caught not smiling (just because I can't smile allll of the time) then people ask me what's wrong or tell me to "smile, it's a beautiful day!", which then makes me not want to smile. I have a natural pout (I blame the Cherokee in me), so I automatically look sad or angry if I am not smiling. POINT IS, don't let other people give you permission to smile (or, in my case, not to smile). If they won't leave you alone about it, then walk the other way.

[dan10]

so what ur saying about the smiling thing is that you want me to walk away from people like my teachers, my family, my friends, and my dance partner if they wont stop asking me whats wrong?

 

somehow that just doesnt seem like it will work out for me to good. i cant just walk out of class because someone wont stop asking me whats wrong. i cant walk away from my family because then i will get in trouble. and on top of all that if i start walking away from people then they are going to think its worse then they thought because now not only am i smiling abnormally but i'm also being b****y about it.

 

somehow i dont see that making things better

[knightingale]

THEN BRUSH IT OFF! God, man, just smile because you want to smile! You don't need their permission to smile! You need to be stronger about these things, seriously. If they ask why you're smiling say, "I've decided to not be miserable today, is that okay?" Be a smartass if you have to be (yes, to your family, and your friends and your teacher and your dance partner), because something as simple as smiling SHOULD NOT be criticized the way it is by those around you.

[dan10]

ok so i smiled and pretended to be happy. and i was ok while i was with people and bsing them. but now that i'm alone and i need to calm down because it is time to go to bed, i feel like crap because the only time i'm "happy" is when i'm forcing myself to fake it.

 

and i'm sorry knightingale. you were right about people questioning me smiling

[agatha]

I'm glad you gave it a try = )

 

I know it feels bad, but the more you smile, the faster these bad feelings will vanish. you start pretending to be fine, and will end up feeling fine. I know you will.

[knightingale]

Change is hard, even if it's just smiling. If you smile more, people will get used to it (and like it!) and sooner or later you'll get used to it (and like it!). It is much harder to be happy than it is to be sad. Accept the challenge!

[dan10]

well just to let everyone know... i've decided to spend the next 3 months being happy. at whatever cost.... within reason i mean i'm not gonna kill anyone to do it but within reason i'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep myself smiling. even if i just have to force out a smile and pretend to be happy. i'm gonna be happy. and at the end of 3 months i'll reassess things and see where to go from there. i'll keep u guys updated every week or so. or whenever anything big happens.

[waveseer]

That's great news! Chin up, shoulders back.

[knightingale]

well just to let everyone know... i've decided to spend the next 3 months being happy. at whatever cost.... within reason i mean i'm not gonna kill anyone to do it but within reason i'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep myself smiling. even if i just have to force out a smile and pretend to be happy. i'm gonna be happy. and at the end of 3 months i'll reassess things and see where to go from there. i'll keep u guys updated every week or so. or whenever anything big happens.

 

Yesssss. That's what I like to hear! Definitely keep us posted, even if it's just a quick private message. I'm really happy for you and that you've decided to accept the challenge. Hang in there, we're with you all the way.

[dan10]

That's great news! Chin up, shoulders back.

 

Yesssss. That's what I like to hear! Definitely keep us posted, even if it's just a quick private message. I'm really happy for you and that you've decided to accept the challenge. Hang in there, we're with you all the way.

 

just chillax for a second. i said i'd give it 3 months. thats only because i want to go out with a girl that i wont be able to see for three months. so i'm gonna try to be happy till then. and if she says no i'll be right back to where i was... unless something miraculous happens during this 3 months in which case i may stay longer.

[knightingale]

3 months is better than the no months you were looking at before.

[agatha]

well just to let everyone know... i've decided to spend the next 3 months being happy. at whatever cost.... within reason i mean i'm not gonna kill anyone to do it but within reason i'm gonna do whatever it takes to keep myself smiling. even if i just have to force out a smile and pretend to be happy. i'm gonna be happy. and at the end of 3 months i'll reassess things and see where to go from there. i'll keep u guys updated every week or so. or whenever anything big happens.

 

hey, danny!!!!

 

that's such great news!!!! smile large, you just made my day! (people at the library might be wondering what is making me smile)

 

and whatever your reasons are, at least for the next 3 months you will try to look at the bright side of things, and all... that's wonderful!

[dan10]

hey guys so i pulled it off for 4 days being happy and not letting anything get me down but today i crashed. when i got up this morning i was unhappy cause i got woken up to early and i havent been able to shake it. for a little while at the movie theater i was ok but then i went back to being depressed. i'm trying to make myself happy but i just cant shake this unhappiness that i've got. if anyone has any ideas i'd love to hear them. if not i'm just gonna hope that when i wake up tomarrow i'll be happier

[agatha]

hey, baby... good to know you lasted 4 days = )

 

good start, but well... ways to shake off depression...

 

'today was not so good, but tomorrow I'll be feeling great' is my all-time favorite.

 

you could try taking a shower, doing something to entertain yourself, but I guess you already tried that.

 

so my next option is - try the glad game. the original rules are on the book by eleanor h. porter 'pollyanna' - but it goes more or less like this... 'it sucks to be awakened way too early for my standards, but I'm glad that I was not awakened because my house was on fire'

 

and the next one: try doing something for someone else. something you should be thanked for. try it more than once, as sometimes you'll meet very grumpy people, and that can throw you a bit down - but don't give up just yet, hearing a sincere 'thank you' is very rewarding.

[WKnight]

dan, at any moment your outlook can change and stick. The people who care about you know this and most of them I'd wager have been alive longer so they've experienced it over and over again. They don't want you to give up before you get your walk in the sunshine.

 

I never understood this reasoning. HOw do people just suddenly "change their outlook" I would love to be able to do it....

 

In my opinion some people are just wired differently. I wouldn't want to just snap my fingers and become a totally different person that's completely full of * * * * and lying to himself.

 

People's outlooks are a combination of their personality, personal experience, and brain chemistry.

[waveseer]

I never understood this reasoning. HOw do people just suddenly "change their outlook" I would love to be able to do it....

 

In my opinion some people are just wired differently. I wouldn't want to just snap my fingers and become a totally different person that's completely full of * * * * and lying to himself.

 

People's outlooks are a combination of their personality, personal experience, and brain chemistry.

 

Life has a way of affecting us in ways we never expected, sometimes our outlook is "revised" forever (in a positive way).

[Northern Lad]

ive had suicidal thoughts recently, and to be honest the best reason i could give you is,

 

you havent seen everything yet, theres more to life than you know! so discover it as its waiting for you.

 

noel gallagher wrote.. 'maybe i just wanna fly, wanna live I dont wanna die, maybe I just wanna breath maybe i just dont believe, maybe youre the same as me, well see things theyll never see, you and i are gonna live forever!', as an antidote to suicide promoting rock of that era, and this song always lifts and inspires me. As does all his music.

 

keep your chin up.

[dan10]

I never understood this reasoning. HOw do people just suddenly "change their outlook" I would love to be able to do it....

 

In my opinion some people are just wired differently. I wouldn't want to just snap my fingers and become a totally different person that's completely full of * * * * and lying to himself.

 

People's outlooks are a combination of their personality, personal experience, and brain chemistry.

 

well to be honest i dont believe people can "change their outlook". i wish i could to that'd be awsome. and yes people are just wired differently. .....actually now that i read what you wrote again i have to ask you... have u been stalking me? or like poking around in my brain? cause seriously i think like exactly the same way.

 

the way i see it though is that instead of changing my outlook or who i am... i can just change what i choose to see. like alot of teenagers have selective hearing (especially when it comes to their parents telling them stuff) so why cant i have selective vision? i still think the world is full of horrible horrible things that make me want to not live anymore when i think about them. so i decided to make my world smaller. i dont pay attention to the news, i dont want to hear about iraq or Israel or any place outside of my own little world which consists of me my friends and my family. other then that i just dont care anymore. so i may be full of it, but for the next couple of months thats just what is going to happen. i haven't changed who i am... and i was very very careful not to change who i am because that would be the end of me if i willingly changed who i am for whatever reason. but i just changed what i see.

 

and about ur last sentence... that is alot more complicated then i think you meant it to be. for example a person's personality is a direct result of their outside stimuli throughout their lives, and their brain chemistry can be changed very quickly by a number of different things. so i guess technically a person's outlook could change pretty much instantaneously, but its really to complicated to go into here

[WKnight]

Well we're both on a suicide forums so we probably have some common ideas. Honestly, when people feed me things like that it aggravates me to no end. If I could change my outlook then I would have done that by now.

 

I wish I could agree with you on brain chemistry, but I can't. The reality is some people's brain chemistry are going to mess with them whether they like it or not. You couldn't change the way your chemistry works if a lion was making a charge at you, you are going to panic, it's natural. This is coming from someone that has panic attacks. If your chemistry is wired a certain way that's how it's going to act. The only other option is to take some prescription drugs.

 

I really don't think people can cure themselves of bipolar disorder or other issues. I think maybe people are able to structure themselves around it, but to eliminate it completely? I doubt it.

 

Personally, I'm of the opinion that your brain chemistry effects your thoughts, not the other way around. I'm sure your thoughts may be able to tip the scales a tad, but overall you can just stomp your emotions out, they're a part of you.

 

I hope someone can prove me wrong. Sorry to be such a pessimist.