my worst obstical before death

[dolfin]

we here are all looking for someone to give us reason to (ctb) cease to breath, catch the bus, what have you. But suicide doesn't solve anything, it only adds pain to even if only one person on earth who is connected to you. Hell is a state of mind. Many have been there, and many have resurfaced. I myself feel as though I am walking the line of life and death at each moment.

 

However, when it comes to my gut instinct, I know death by my own hand is not the "plan" for me. Life is struggle. I had looking back a life many would dream to have had for my first 24 years. Sure, came from a broken home, dealt with normal issues we all do, but i had/have many blessings still. Its the game of perception. Take a look at others in worse positions, wait (I know you have done it & it is to no avail) however that is because we in this sate of seclusion are creating the biggest sin of all. In my opinion greater than suicide. Wasting time on earth.

 

See suicide is a final action, after that, you can't help. Possibly reincarnate but cannot help yourself or others. By sucking up the isolated state we are in, we allow the hole to deepen. Like I mentioned prior, at this point of depression only we can make the change. F#@# pills, forget doctors, only ourselves and loved ones. (Not suggesting to stop meds)

 

And if your alone, that that means its your job to fight even more so. Wether it is connecting through the internet or getting a pet to love. Only love can heal this. I lost my love, (longer story) due to a tragedy. That love wasn't a girl, it was the ability to play my music. My soul is empty. I feel as if i am in hell and dead. It especially hurts when i was at the prime having contracts and all coming my way right before the incident. Now the only remedy I have always had seems to be more distant than anything i can imagine. Sure i want to die, but will that bring back what I cannot have right now. NO, so my job is to overcompensate. Can I do this, not sure. I have no interest in getting a girlfriend at the moment, finding love in any field, i feel depressed, am chronically fatigued all the time, and have no dreams or hope for my personal future, after having it at my fingertips. My expressive self seems to be withering away, and that which was the fuel to my fire.

 

All I can do now is one of two things move on, or shut down. Plain and simple. And like they say, no pain no gain...

 

your not alone---

and your sentiments help others too, never forget that.

 

hopefully one of us will succeed in this battle.

just remind yourself, its easier to die, than to live thru the pain...

and if karma is certain which i believe, you shall reap the reward for your tribulations, if not in this life, maybe the next...

 

either way, best to you all

 

peace

d

[dan10]

i think you may have gotten the wrong impression....

 

i didnt die. i just kind of went there. idk if i passed out or fell asleep or just went into a meditative state or heck i could have just popped out for like a half a second and time goes faster in hell or something. but anyways when i went to hell it wasnt exactly the hell that everyone thinks of when they think of hell. its a safeheaven for me. which could be the reason that i was there.

 

see god is out to get me. and satan is kind of like my mentor/teacher/protector kind of thing. i know that goes against what most people think about the whole god and satan thing... but basically as far as i can tell, god and satan are just *for lack of a better term* people like you and me and everyone else that are just on a different plane of existence and they are at war. i dont understand all of it and how exactly it works but basically i am on satan's side. so accepting jesus isnt exactly the best idea for me. idk if i mentioned this earlier or not... but there are *for all intensive purposes* angels out to get me. i cant see them... at least i cant tell for sure that they are there in my visual range, but i can sense them. kind of like a sixth sense kinda thing. they arent evil, because neither side is "evil". but luckily for me i also have *for all intensive purposes* demons that hang around me all the time to protect me as much as possible and keep things that want to hurt me away. like the angels that want to hurt me. its just that they are on god's side and so they are out to get me because god wants me out of the war because from what the devil has told me i'm some sort of super human and i'm sposed to be really strong once i am trained properly and move on to whatever realm they are in.

 

anyways you all probably think i am crazy by now... but the point i was making is that things are different for me. so when i went to hell i wasnt being tortured or attacked or anything like that. i was just there.

 

so to answer your questions,

 

no i'm not afraid to go back. in fact the plan is to go back to hell when i die.

 

and i dont know about more powerful then satan, i know he isnt all powerful but i know that satan cant win this war on his own.

 

and about this gateway thing... i really believe there is a "gateway"... more like a crossover between dimensions.. but anyways we'll call it a gateway, and that things... people demons angels and possibly even god and the devil (i dont know how this all works) can go in and out between the different sides.

 

so ya.... this stuff is all really confusing and messed up i know but i'm part of it and to be honest i kind of like knowing that i have this whole big thing for me to do and i'm not just sitting here in a little pathetic existence with nothing beyond wake up eat waste time sleep and repeat till i die and then thats it.

[CynicalGuitarist]

dan10-

 

This is quite a thread you have here... I don't mean to patronize, but I am impressed by a lot of your insight. At least you have the ability to look at g-d in a way that's different from what a priest/minister would say. I truly am sorry you're going through so much pain, and I will not tell you that you have less of a right to suffer than anyone else. Pain is pain; I'm tired of people always making some sort of competition about how much they hurt. It's like the special olympics; even if you win, you're still retarded (yes, I know, old saying, but true.) I hope for good fortune to reward you in a way to your desires. I know you're going to do what you're going to do no matter what anyone on this BBS says, but I personally hope you hang in there; you're obviously very intelligent and perceptive, and it's refreshing 'cause I see/know all kinds of ignorant and/or cold and calculating people out there who do not value life. To hear of someone with such real, human insight passing away really does hurt me.

 

Anyways, sorry I'm ranting on, not trying to give you the "it's all your fault, stop feeling sorry for yourself" diatribe that a lot of armchair self-help gurus have to people, but I really hope you can find some sort of peace and solace... and hopefully more answers.

 

Take it easy, man.

[dan10]

thank you cynicalguitarist. the insight comes from a unique ability i have to separate myself from emotion and illogical states of thinking (most of the time). and you seem like you have a very realistic view on things, so i'd love to talk to you about it. and you are completely right about this whole arguing about who hurts more stuff. and thank you for wanting me to find peace and solace. i wont find peace any time soon... but when i started this thread i was in a bad place. all the bad stuff that happens to me and all the crud i go through just overloads me sometimes. i recently found that out. i'm in a better place now. its not exactly peaceful, but at least i can take some comfort in knowing whats going on and knowing that i am in for a long hard road ahead. i think i'm gonna stick around for a while, unless i get lucky and die in a car crash or something, but that wont happen.

[CynicalGuitarist]

I definitely try to be realistic... but the ironic part is, my dreams are larger than life. It's a tough thing, but I realized it's better to nurture my dreams (I want to be a lead singer in an art/prog rock band even though it's hard for me to find people who are DEDICATED to it... yeah, it's a bit of a catch 22... anyways) Why do I nurture my insane dreams? 'Cause one of the last pieces of advice my dad gave me a few months before he died was "Don't ever work in an office, son." He meant more than that, 'cause he later told me how he wanted to open up an instrument shop.

 

I wish people would stop putting others with problems down or drill-sargenting them Dr. Phil style, no matter what they are. Think about how much more humanity could accomplish if we all stopped telling others their problems are worthless and petty and blaming eachothers or trying to railroad them into blaming themselves and just WORK TOWARDS SOLVING THEM. Typical human nature; having the solution right in front of our faces, but caught up in too much crap to make it a reality... but I digress. I'm not trying to raise my nose up either... this is something I keep needing to remind myself.

 

Believe it or not, I have a huge stream of crap to deal with too. Too much to list, but let me just say being a virgin (much less experiencing a REAL kiss) a ridiculously low attention span, rapid mood swings, and a super-defective left-brain are some of the least of my worries. I'm glad you're feeling better though; even if it's not by much, remember at least it's better than stepping back. I often feel similar; I've wished that I had some freak accident happen to me to help me end it, but I realize for the time being, if god (or whatever higher power that's jesting people like us) is gonna pick on me, and I'm screwed anyways, I'm gonna go against the grain and go after what I truly want even if I'll never have it instead of succumbing to what "the norms" have been declared as.

 

In my 21 years, I eventually learned (I think someone said this on one of my posts) that "The secret to life is that life isn't really as great as they make it out to be, and the only way to find meaning is to find someone/something you love" or something along those lines. I use this irony and decide to twist it around; if life is overblown, why not chase a dream instead of following the well-worn path that only leads to mediocrity since losers like me are screwed anyways? I guess I need to remind myself that, too.

 

I've gone on too long, but thanks for the reply!