my worst obstical before death

[jul-els]

Anger and rage can be useful feelings sometimes to get through difficult situations but they are a short term fix. In the long run they will drain your energy and wear you down. Love, on the other hand, while it does have the ability to hurt sometimes, it's long term potential is one of healing and strength. It's fine if you feel that drugs don't work for you and you don't want to take them. But maybe you should search for a therapist that you really feel that you can trust in order to get into and sort out all of the negative feelings and energy you're experiencing. It will take work, but if you're committed to it, it's a totally achievable goal.

[dan10]

ok so if god sent jesus down to die for our sins how come i didnt get a chance to prove that i'm a good person and wont do anything bad in the garden of eden? how come i have to get stuck in this crap of a world without even being given a chance to be good.

 

and about the devil thing. first off he keeps telling me that i'm stupid for wanting to die. and that i cant kill myself so dont give me some bs about the devil wanting everyone to give up and die.

 

second about the devil, you prolly have your story messed up. the devil and god are only enemies because of god. the devil knew that anyone could reach the status that god has and when god figured out that the devil could actually pull it off with other angels he cast them out of heaven to try and stop them from getting more powerful then they already were.

 

i know that may sound crazy to people but to bad.

[jul-els]

It doesn't sound crazy to me at all. It sounds like you have a very keen sense of logic. So using that logic, maybe you can see that we aren't given chances to be good people, we are given choices. If we want to be good people than we try. It doesn't always work out the way we plan because we are not all powerful. Humans are but a small part of the universe. But as long as we are trying then many times, more often than not, things will work out in our favor. But in order to do that we have to start with a mindset that realizes there will be setbacks along the way. Accepting the setbacks and continuing to do our best in spite of them is what choosing to be a good person is all about. See what I'm trying to say? You are a good person. It's all about your choices.

[agatha]

I'm still waiting for the rest of the story.

 

as of now, bolded part: depression is basically a bug on our nervous system, something related to neurotransmissors. stop being so deterministic about life, and keep trying meds, keep switching them and the doctors that prescribe them until you feel good enough about life and yourself. medical statistics say that the average time for someone to find a good treatment on depression/psychiatric disorders is of 7 years. some reach it quickly, some take longer, but you have to keep on trying. took me some 4 years to stabilize, but I was REALLY lucky with my last psychiatrist. my aunt had to wait 15 years before someone actually found a good med that kept her stable. it's a very personal thing, but you should never give it up. I'm without meds for a year now, stable and great. meds helped me to be myself fulltime, a me I never thought I could be - and one I like a lot.

 

I strongly relate to your experience in the underlined paragraph - been there, felt that. great day, nice life, but oh, how death sounds even better... which is why I'd like to know a tad more about you.

 

and anger can only serve as a mask for so long. you can only pretend you don't care for so long. thing is, you do care about life, in a way or another - that's a fact. what I'd like to know is what exactly is preventing you from accepting that.

 

p.s.: I think Rousseau was totally right when he said that religion should not be taught to anyone beneath the age of reason (18-21). more often than not, it will end up in misunderstandings...

[knightingale]

The portion in bold doesn't make any sense because I JUST TOLD YOU that Christ dying is your chance. You can't go back in time and fix something you didn't even do, and luckily Christ's death doesn't require you to. I know the story of God and Satan. Don't treat me like I'm ignorant in my faith because the devil and I aren't comrades. Just judging by what you have said, you weren't having these problems until you started "talking" to the devil. The devil is a charmer, okay?

 

But this isn't about a religious debate. This is about you and only you. YOU need to take responsibility for your life. STOP blaming God and your friends and your family and your therapist for you not being happy. The whole reason you started this thread was to find out why the people in your life don't seem to care and anything we tell has fallen on deaf ears, because you simply don't want them to care.

 

Now, please, will you actually tell us what it is about your life that is making you miserable enough to want to end it. We have asked countless times and you have avoided answering every single time you have responded. Don't reply back with another religious debate, we will obviously not agree on anything and I am not here to preach. Reply back about your life, what you have been through to lead you to this point, and what you are willing to do to actually win this battle.

 

You're a good person, and you obviously have enough will to live to have made it this far without going through with anything.

[dan10]

to the first bolded part the whole reason i started this thread was to find out why people who "care" about me want me to be miserable by living. it has nothing to do with them caring or not. i know they care. i just wanted to know why they are to ignorant to see that if i stay alive it makes me suffer.

 

and to the second bolded part. one thing about my life that makes me want to kill myself is i have to keep putting up with people who can see their side of an argument and not the other side. cough like some people on this thread... i wont mention names. because i can see both sides to an argument. and just because i pick the side that some people dont like and i can come up with a logically legitimate counterargument to everything the people against me say doesnt mean that what they say is falling on deaf ears.

 

"those who cannot see but with one eye are blind to all"

[dan10]

i've given up on meds because i honestly believe that if i have to take meds to make me "stable" then it really isnt me. its the meds which will make me more depressed so i'm better off without them.

 

but here's more of the story.

 

ok so i left off with me being sent away to this horrible mental rehab outdoor thing. now i was constantly pissed off at my parents at this point in time so i wanted to go ...anywhere just to get away from them. so i went to this place. i got to their office with my parents and i was still pissed at them. so i was more then happy to talk with the people there and get me going. so i got out there and on the second day i tried to cut myself with a rock. when the staff found out they put me on suicide watch. even though i didnt want to kill myself i just liked the rush of cutting. so i had to sit for 5 days on a tarp and do nothing because the staff were mean. i couldnt even cook my own food. or have shoe laces and they cut the drawstring out of my sleeping bag. so when i got off that they sent me off to the hiking portion where i got stuck in a group with this little crap of a kid. he was so small and weak that a)he was the slowest hiker possible b)he couldnt make a proper backpack to carry his stuff so it made him even slower c)he weighed so little that he couldnt even carry all of his stuff so the rest of the group had to carry his crap too. and that pissed me off. luckily the group got to big and split up after about 2 weeks and i didnt get stuck with his scrawny little butt. if i would have i would also have refused to hike. but anyways i kept going hiking 5 days a week with a 70ish lb backpack made of tree branches for almost all day, not knowing where i'm going, how far it is to that spot, what time it is or anything like that. no electricity no running water we didnt even get silverware to eat with. every week we had to make new silverware out of sticks. so i had to put up with that crap for 55 days. then when i came home things went right back to the way they were before except i wasnt allowed to cut. which aparently was the only thing that my parents had a problem with. they didnt care about me being depressed or anything it was just that i was physically manifesting it. but they werent the reason i had to stop cutting. i stopped cutting because of a girl. i met her at the second mental hospital and she gave me her myspace address. well we left on the same day so i messaged her that night when i go home, but she got sent to another mental hospital right after for a couple of months so it turns out that she didnt respond to my first message until 2 days before i came home from the hiking place. so we talked online and i ended up dating her. well i fell in love with her and then she broke up with me. and i still havent gotten over it. i've tried but i'm just in love with her. i guess it makes it worse that i never got any closure. we still talked all the time but we just stopped being together. so after a few weeks i asked her why she broke up with me and she'd forgotten. i still talk to her regularly (although not as much since she moved accross the country) and i'm still in love with her. i dont want to go nc because i've tried that and she occupies every thought i have if i do that. and it only makes things worse for me.

 

after that i still had the same problems with my parents and they still continue to this day so i'll stop talking about that. and i met a new girl a couple of weeks after my first girlfriend broke up with me. now with this girl everything went amazing and i thought i was in love. actually i asked her to marry me after 2 months. then after 8 months we broke up so it ended up being a bad idea. but on the bright side it ended horribly with this girl hating me for a while her mom still thinks i'm the devil, and then this girl wanted to be with me again because something about her loving me still and yadda yadda yadda and now she is trying to get over me. we are in nc just to let u know i happened to run into her at a party a few weeks ago. and she said it was hard to be at the same party as me because she still has feelings for me but is trying to move on. i broke up with her over a year ago and i've had another girlfriend for most of that time.

 

right after i broke up with the second girl (i had my grieving time while i was with her) i got a new girlfriend. had the same feelings for this one but didnt ask her to marry me because of the last girl. that recently ended because i was falling really badly into depression and i wanted to die all the time and nothing was making me happy. now this girl still wants to be with me. i still have feelings for her and want to be with her too but i know i can never have a stable and lasting relationship because i'm still in love with my first girlfriend and i have this depression issue that drives alot of people away.

 

and that pretty much brings me to now and i am still depressed all the time and have almost no happiness in my life

[knightingale]

Then I honestly don't know what to tell you. You don't want to be happy, and that responsibility is yours and yours alone. If you don't take the first step, then there is nothing that anyone else can do.

 

I see your side. I just don't agree with it and think you are taking some information instead of the whole of it, so I'm not going to continue discussing it because it will just be this unending battle that will accomplish nothing. You too have not really listened to anything I have said, so that quote is kind of hypocritical. Especially me, and anyone, not agreeing with you (which is what it boils down to) since that is one of the things that makes you want to kill yourself. Faith isn't logical, so I'm not going to throw the logistics of what I believe at you since that is not what my faith is based in. The definition of faith is, "the confident belief in the truth of or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing. It is also used for a belief, without proof."

 

There are people here who have been where you have been and are trying to help you, and you are refusing it. What is it exactly you are wanting us to do at this point?

[agatha]

couple of questions: have you ever had pets? what happened to your brother?

[dan10]

i do want to be happy. i just cant find it. so assuming we are unanimously deciding that religion is in ilogical thing by its nature we wont use that as an argument.

 

now name 3 things that are purely good (that are realistically achievable) and by purely good i mean that they make people happy and dont end up with the person feeling it being sad or depressed or miserable. for example love wouldnt fit into this category because it nearly always leaves people miserable.

 

heck if you could find one or 2 things i'd love to hear about them.

[dan10]

couple of questions: have you ever had pets? what happened to your brother?

 

i have a dog and a snake and my brother had cancer so my family was constantly in and out of the hospital. but that was back when i was 4-7 i think so i really dont remember it. (possibly because i blocked it out for some reason and most likely because i was little and just dont remember that time) but i really dont remember most of that time.

[waveseer]

How've you been the last few days, dan?

[knightingale]

Is your brother okay now?

 

Do you ever have days when you don't want to die, or is it pretty much an everyday battle no matter what?

[dan10]

How've you been the last few days, dan?

 

well its actually been very interesting because i'm still in the same pattern as before with the whole wanting to die thing and then life being great and then wanting to die again.

 

see i started feeling ok cause i had a couple of amazing days and everything was going great so i started thinking u know what... maybe i will at least keep going for a while. then i found out that i'm a * * * * and a few people dislike me and things started to get real bad again but i was still in a relatively good mood and willing to live for a while till tonight at which point i started thinking that i'd die again. and then when i was talking to my ex (who i still want to be with) somehow it came up that i wasnt talking about her much, and so i joked that i would talk about her but i cant cause we are just friends. so i said if i told everyone we were together then i could talk about her and she said no (which i was expecting it was just a joke anyways) so i started pretending that i was hurt that she hated me and everything then we carried on our conversation till she got tired and before she hung up she reminded me that she didnt hate me. so i jokingly said "i love you to (her name)" and she agreed. normally she would jump on that and say something like "i know you love me but its not 'too'" or something like that as a joke. but she didnt tonight and when i questioned it she acted like she wanted to say it back but was just being shy.

 

now this would be reason enough for me to want to keep going if i didnt think that it was just god screwing with me again.

 

so basically i still want to die. we'll see though. i'm planning on going to the beach tomarrow and maybe i'll drown and i wont have to worry about it.

[dan10]

Is your brother okay now?

 

Do you ever have days when you don't want to die, or is it pretty much an everyday battle no matter what?

 

well aside from being a stupid idiot ya he's fine now.

 

and i pretty much want to die every day. at least at some point. there are a few days where for most of the day i'm having fun and i'm fine but i dont remember the last day when there was no thought of killing myself.

[waveseer]

I'm glad that you are able to utilize the good things that happen to feel better and I'm sorry that you're still vacillating. If she didn't correct you, then she probably does love you but maybe not in the way that you'd like her to. Anyone who choses to love is taking a risk that the love they are offering may not be returned in kind. It's part of the human condition and we all have to face it. I'm thinking that you do actually love her. Do you think maybe you do? It can be an awfully scary proposition.

[knightingale]

Do you mind sharing her reasons for breaking up with you? I think that would allow more insight for us into the situation with her.

[dan10]

I'm glad that you are able to utilize the good things that happen to feel better and I'm sorry that you're still vacillating. If she didn't correct you, then she probably does love you but maybe not in the way that you'd like her to. Anyone who choses to love is taking a risk that the love they are offering may not be returned in kind. It's part of the human condition and we all have to face it. I'm thinking that you do actually love her. Do you think maybe you do? It can be an awfully scary proposition.

 

i know i love her. maybe i'm just romanticizing her because she was my first girlfriend and i havent felt the same way about anyone else. but to the best of my knowledge i am in love with her

 

Do you mind sharing her reasons for breaking up with you? I think that would allow more insight for us into the situation with her.

 

knightingale... i wish i could share with u her reasons, because i really think that it would help out. unfortunately, and i think this may be part of the reason i am so hung up on her is that she never told me a reason. i've asked her several times for a reason. the first tim i asked was about 2 or 3 weeks after she told me that we were over... at least dating wise... and she doesnt remember. i keep asking occasionally when i have nothing else to say but she still doesnt remember. so i'd love to know why she broke up with me too. but unfortunately i dont know

[waveseer]

Dan, if she's still talking with you that means that she still cares for you. I am not saying that you will be together again in the same type of relationship that you were, but I am saying that you are fortunate to know there is someone who cares about you.

[dan10]

i know that she cares about me at least as a friend. but i dont know if i can see her and just keep it as friends. i want so badly for it to be more. i know that it is ridiculous to want it so bad because i am probably going to just get hurt worse by it. but i cant help myself. i'm ok with just being friends right now because she lives accross the country and we only talk every couple of days on the phone. but she's coming out to visit in a few months and i dont know how i'm gonna react when she does.

[waveseer]

Well, in a few months it may not be as difficult as you are concerned about it being now. You'll probably feel differently by then, and even if you don't you'll have a different perspective.

[knightingale]

i do want to be happy. i just cant find it. so assuming we are unanimously deciding that religion is in ilogical thing by its nature we wont use that as an argument.

 

now name 3 things that are purely good (that are realistically achievable) and by purely good i mean that they make people happy and dont end up with the person feeling it being sad or depressed or miserable. for example love wouldnt fit into this category because it nearly always leaves people miserable.

 

heck if you could find one or 2 things i'd love to hear about them.

 

Sorry, I didn't see this post. I'm mostly leaving religion out of this because we don't agree and it is not helping the situation. Religion isn't really allowed to be discussed on the forums if it is counterproductive to the actual topic, and I think we were reaching that point.

 

Three things that are purely good without consequence . . . That's actually a hard question to answer, since most everything in life has risks. But, I mean, you can't look at everything as though it's bad just because it MIGHT eventually hurt you. We are all only human, therefore imperfect and will hurt each other, even those we love. It's kind of naive to want the good without the bad, or for that matter expect the good without the bad. That's just not how the world works.

 

But to answer your request with at least one thing that, to me, brings me happiness without consequence: music.

[knightingale]

i know i love her. maybe i'm just romanticizing her because she was my first girlfriend and i havent felt the same way about anyone else. but to the best of my knowledge i am in love with her

 

 

 

knightingale... i wish i could share with u her reasons, because i really think that it would help out. unfortunately, and i think this may be part of the reason i am so hung up on her is that she never told me a reason. i've asked her several times for a reason. the first tim i asked was about 2 or 3 weeks after she told me that we were over... at least dating wise... and she doesnt remember. i keep asking occasionally when i have nothing else to say but she still doesnt remember. so i'd love to know why she broke up with me too. but unfortunately i dont know

 

 

i know that she cares about me at least as a friend. but i dont know if i can see her and just keep it as friends. i want so badly for it to be more. i know that it is ridiculous to want it so bad because i am probably going to just get hurt worse by it. but i cant help myself. i'm ok with just being friends right now because she lives accross the country and we only talk every couple of days on the phone. but she's coming out to visit in a few months and i dont know how i'm gonna react when she does.

 

 

That first love is hard to get over, if one ever does at all. I know how that feels. I still think about my first love, and I've moved on to someone else for quite some time. It's hard not to romanticize it or let it go, especially with how she left. I am truly sorry she never gave you a real reason for letting you go. It was unfair and inconsiderate of her to do. I'm sure she had her reasons. Maybe she just got scared, you were both young (are still young) and she didn't know what else to do but walk away. Maybe now, with her being so far away, she still doesn't know what to do. Not knowing any reason whatsoever makes closure impossible, so I truly understand the agony but can't even imagine how it must feel on top of everything else.

 

If nothing else, hold out for her. Wait until she comes out and visits and see how that goes. You never know, right? Have fun with her. Don't put pressure on her. Then tell us what happens. NO MATTER WHAT, tell us. Find the happy medium of not getting your hopes up but not automatically assuming the worst, if you can.

[dan10]

Well, in a few months it may not be as difficult as you are concerned about it being now. You'll probably feel differently by then, and even if you don't you'll have a different perspective.

 

a few months isnt going to make a difference. i've been feeling this way for 2 years now. ....well on and off for two years. i forget about feeling this way when i'm going out with a new girl but the feelings start coming back after 3 or 4 months

[waveseer]

a few months isnt going to make a difference. i've been feeling this way for 2 years now. ....well on and off for two years. i forget about feeling this way when i'm going out with a new girl but the feelings start coming back after 3 or 4 months

 

If you continue going out with new girls you are likely to meet one that will hold your interest eventually. Doesn't that sound like a better alternative?