Walking away and moving forward....

[rikka]

So I finally decided to re-enter the world of dating full force. I posted a profile online and have had some success right off the bat. Even more, I met someone who I really click with. Trying not to launch into it head first, it is hard to hold back. It is fun and exciting so far, and very different this time around already.

 

Moment of shame. E is still a face book friend of mine. I don't stalk his profile. I was crushed when he posted his status as single the day after I left (i have never put my relationship status in my profile). Today I saw that he added two new female friends, and in a moment of weakness I had to check them out. Turns out they are married to each other, so it is nothing. I know it shouldn't matter to me, and I want him to move on... I just want to move on first. God I am such a selfish cow sometimes. I don't like that I still give him some power over me.

 

On a weird note, I told my sisters I was dating again. One of them said - "please tell me it is someone new and E is not moving back to town". I assured her that even if he moved back here, I don't think we would rekindle.

[rikka]

Oh the pitfalls of online dating. Someone seems amazing and you meet in real life and things seem to be good. And then 2 or 3 "dates" in the other shoe drops. C'est la vie!

 

I have finally concluded that I have "a type". I have/and will date people who do not fit my type, but I certainly have one. I told my friend it is the 3 C's: Cute, Cuddly, Catholic. Ever serious relationship I have had has embraced at least 2 of the 3.

[rikka]

God I miss him right now. I have for the past few weeks. Right now I am not in the most emotionally stable place sometimes and the melancholy takes hold occasionally. So today I initiated a text that resulted in a 2 hour phone call. He misses me, he tried to call three times last week and hung up. I don't think of him all the time, but I have been missing him more recently.

 

He admitted he learned a lesson too late. He never said what he should have said when he felt it. He knew I knew, but he never thought to say it until I was gone.

 

I don't know how I feel about that. I cried when I got off the phone. I haven't cried about him in a long time. For one thing, it is too late. For a second thing, we can't go back. Why couldn't you have said those things when I was there to hear them? Why didn't we fight harder to keep this?

[rikka]

I have unknown anxiety for no real reason. It sucks, big time. I am not sleeping. I am not eating. When I do sleep I have dreams that I cannot remember, all I know is I wake up unsure, anxious and scared. I can think of a million little things that are causing me some stress, but nothing that would/should make me hit this level of anxiety.

 

Deep breaths, yoga, tea, and hot baths... let's hope it helps. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

[rikka]

Still not sleeping and that puts me out of sorts. I have been trying to adjust my routine, so this is really only day 4 of the new routine... so far no luck. I have decided I am going to call my doctor. I was supposed to be on a waiting list for a specialist, but I have never heard anything and that was about 3 months ago.

 

And so I am loopy. And melancholy. And glum. So I transfer feelings and thoughts around, pull to what I am familiar with. I had a long conversation with E in the wee hours of the morning the other night. I tease him that I caught his sleeplessness - he is the only person I know of who would be functionally awake at that hour. Granted he called me, but perhaps I initiated it a bit. I am drawn back to him because he is comfortable. He is safe. He has talked me through this before - and God willing, he will talk me through it again. That is the benefit I suppose of being friends with a former lover, he knows me very well and he knows what to say to calm me down. Ah comfort in familiarity.

[rikka]

Okay so a thought completely unrelated to anything posted on this journal - but it is my journal and i can write what I want to.

 

My grandmother passed away almost a year ago, and though it was sad it was a good thing. Before she got sick (and I moved) I tried to "harvest" as many things from her as I could, specifically family recipes. Well I have moved back home and into my own apartment and, after years of both mom and grandma trying to teach me to sew, I decided I needed to take up a hobby. I decided I was going to teach myself to quilt. And so I am. And I am learning on my grandmother's ancient (yet still so amazing) machine from the 50's. Grandma used to quilt. Her creations don all of our beds. She "willed" me her machine - without me even knowing how to sew. Nor did I ever intend to take it up. So where ever she is, I am imagining that she is happy. That she is "looking down" at me and proud that I am taking up the torch (sew to speak). I have a new niece or nephew in the works and I am sure there will be more to come - they will get one of my creations. I will have children - and they will have one of my creations. Fate willing, I will have grandchildren and they can have one of granny's quilts. And with any luck this machine will keep on plucking along. And I can try to teach one of my loved ones how to sew, and the circle would continue.

[rikka]

I wanted to just take a peek and see when I started this journal (april 17th, 2009) and I was compelled to start reading... I don't think I am ready to relive those first days yet. I made it to post 4 before I started to tear up. At post 9 I stopped. Not because anything written was inherently bad, but more so because it stirs up a lot of emotional baggage. I just finally got a lot of that behind me, I don't need to dig it back up again.

 

On as side note - I loved my therapist and I miss him dearly. My motto: WWDWS - What Would Dr W Say?

[rikka]

Blah. I think I am going back on anti-depressants. Things are more than a bit off kilter and I need help. Blah. Also looking into counseling. double blah.

[rikka]

So, for over a year now, the bipolar has been under control. I have been as "normal" as I would want to be and so on and so forth. I came of the AD relatively well and life went on. But somewhere in the last two months I spiraled down. I didn't really notice it until last night I lost it and realized how far down I was. I know over the past few weeks I have been glum or blue, I have been irritable - but I was always able to justify it: it was a long day at work, I am stressed, I miss BC etc. I watched it as a third party. Disinterested, taking notes. Contemplating talking to someone, but never doing it. I withdrew from people, I was forcing myself to interact socially. Anxiety was at an all time high... but I kept making lame excuses.

 

And then I thought about stepping in front of that bus.

 

I've been there before. The dark days. Not wanting to kill myself but just wanting to not exist anymore. It would be easier. My old therapist said it wasn't suicidal, more so feelings of hopelessness. So I think to myself... what would happen if I walked in front of that car/bus. What would happen if I drove my car over the meridian and into on coming traffic. Now the logical part of me knows exactly what would happen. But the irrational part of me - just for a minute - thinks it would make everything stop. At least for a little while. And so I decided I needed help. I was looking up from the bottom of this spiral... I know there is further down I can slide, but I am pretty low right now. I think you are at a low point when you think about walking in front of a bus.

 

I go see my GP on Thursday to talk about anti-depressants again. I really don't want them, but I don't like where I am right now. I called the specialist I am on the waiting list for... my appointment slot looks like it will be set in May (almost one year since I said good-bye to my favourite doctor, I hope this one can live up to him).

 

The thing is, everyone is asking me what triggered it. Is it work? Is it financial issues? Is it friend/relationship/blah blah blah issues? And I don't have an answer. I am just in a dark place. These issues don't help matters certainly, but they are not the root cause. I am just depressed. I guess that is why the disorder is called manic-depression. I can look back and see I flirted with a bit of a hypo-mania in Jan/Feb and then began the creeping decent to where I am. I am on the mood stabilizer still, so I am sure that is holding some of this in check... I just need a little shove in the right direction.

 

As my sister so well-meaningly said - this too shall pass (and then some trite sunshine and rainbows garbage). I know she is well meaning but it really isn't as simple as having a positive attitude. Getting out of bed in the morning is a major triumph. If I did not physically have to go to work, I wouldn't. If I didn't have to get dressed, I wouldn't. If I didn't have to leave my house, I wouldn't. I am forcing myself to pretend to be functional. To pretend to be normal - but I am realizing right now how fragile this facade is, and it is getting ready to shatter. So off to the doctor I go. Blah

[sophie274]

I'm so sorry rikka. I don't know what else to say apart from I've been there. And it's not so easy as believing it will pass. I'll be thinking of you and wishing your dark cloud away.

[rikka]

Thanks Sophie. The rational part of me knows this will pass, it is just getting there.

 

It is a good thing my GP trusts my opinions on my own health. I walked into his office today and told him I needed anti-depressants. We talked a little bit about my symptoms (to make sure it was chemistry and not situational) and then he said "which one do you want?". And we discussed a few of my options and made a choice (I had done some independent research last night). I think I just painted my GP in a bad light - I know he doesn't just hand out meds to anyone. I am more impressed with the level of control he gives me with my disease. All I need is to get through the next little bit. Keep on pushing forward.

 

My new drug du jour - celexa. I was on it once upon a time for anxiety, before the bipolar stuff hit the fan and they "upgraded" me to heavier stuff. I will give it a go and hope it takes the edge off now. Then I will see the psychiatrist in May and come up with a long term plan.

[rikka]

So I have taken a "time out" from dating. With all the nonsense going on in my life I don't have the time or energy to properly devote to it.

 

On the mental end, I am still, well, mental. I am trying to decide what celexa is doing to me. I know it has only been 5 days and I know it will not have had a chance to really start working. I am trying to decide what the side effects are for me. Out of four nights 2 of them I have not been able to sleep, and two of them I have been so drowsy I couldn't think. I have noticed my desire to eat is non-existent (yay), but my appetite had already been lacking previously anyway. Thursday I increase my dosage so we will see how that goes.

 

On another not so positive note - having issues with work and it is not making my mental state any better. It certainly fuels and drives the anxiety. I am throwing up daily and that is not good. Blah.

[rikka]

I think I am too stubborn. I think the ADs are working, but I am not happy about that. It seemed too easy. I don't trust that it was too easy. And so I feel somewhat better (except for today) so I feel like I was "faking" it. I know I wasn't - specifically because today was a not-so-good day - but when my loved ones ask how things are, and 'you seem better' it feels too easy. And I feel melodramatic. BLAH. Nothing better than regaining mental sanity and then making your self fell like crud for doing so. The anxiety is still insane, I am not throwing up each morning any more, but I am still incredibly anxious and moderately sensitive. I haven't cried today yet, so that is a good thing.

 

I have been talking more to E again. It is like he knows something is off with me, I haven't specifically told him anything was amiss but he calls a bit more regularly. It is familiar and comfortable, and he knows how to talk me through some of it (he has done it so many times before). It makes me miss parts of US still, but I think we are doing this friends thing rather well. I still get twinges of "jealousy" when he talks about his new female friends, not that he talks about them too much they are just people who weren't in his life when I was there.

 

Glutton for punishment I am.

[rikka]

I just made the most delicious thing I have ever eaten. Spanikopita Pie.... mmmmm. I cook when I am bored (it is a wonder I don't weigh more than I do) so my freezer is always full of containers of food. I was supposed to make this for dinner tonight but misread the instructions on the philo pastry, so I cooked it anyway and it just finished. I portioned it out and put it away - but I had to sample a little bit.

[rikka]

So I have a new found respect for exotic dancers. As part of last night's stagette, we went to a pole-dancing class. SO much fun, but gosh is it hard work. And today... I am so sore. I have a giant baseball sized bruise on my one calf. But it was SO much fun. I want to do it again (once I stretch out these aches and pains).

 

Also as part of the "better for me" plan, I joined a gym. I got a killer deal and they have yoga and spin classes included in my membership, which I currently pay for at a leisure centre (at $8/class) my membership is $36/month - so I think I am winning there. The facility opens up mid-May, and I am actually very excited.

 

Yay for me, since January I have trimmed 4 inches off my waist, 3 off my hips and 6 off my breast (Boo hoo on that one )

[rikka]

Finally, finally, finally I have an appointment with the psychiatrist. Only 8 months later. GAH. Even "funnier" my appointment is 2 hours before my scheduled appointment with my GP which will essentially be a redundant appointment since new doctor will most likely mess around with my meds and conform my treatment to one he prefers. Every psych I have started with has modified my treatment course to one they commonly use. All but once this has worked out okay for me. But as my friend said, the understanding and changing field of psychiatric medications changes are frequently as you change doctors, so they are only passing on new information.

 

As to the ADs. BLAH do I hate them, but I guess I like what they do for me. I am a few steps closer to being back to me. I guess that is why I am on them. BLAH. BUT (and this is a big but) they are assisting in my weightloss - yay for that!

 

Once I get my mind back in order I can start to get my life back in order.

[rikka]

Tomorrow is my appointment. I am nervous and anxious. I get scared that we won't "click" and either it will be a waste of our time/I suck it up, or I end up back on waiting lists. I don't like meeting new people, not new people like this. It is like getting diagnosed all over again. I remember the one doctor I met back on the coast who essentially told me I was "too high functioning" and that he would not be able to help me. And then I feel like I am "faking" it - but take me off my meds for a few weeks and I realize that yes, I do have issues. Heh, I have performance anxiety about seeing a doctor for anxiety (and depression and bipolar and and and). ...

 

Wish me luck cyberland.

[rikka]

I have to chuckle, every time I see a new psychiatrist I end up with another new label. So he reconfirmed the bipolar 2 diagnosis (gee what a shocker) and then decided that I also have avoidance personality disorder and obsessive compulsive personality disorder. I just laughed to myself. So I asked in what that means in the grand scheme - a whole lot of nothing! He said sometimes it helps people to understand things when they can classify traits. I suppose awareness is good. He confirmed that I am managing my disorder well and that I am pro-active in my treatment. He has recommended me for a group session and a research study on mood disorders. We adjusted my medication schedule a bit (thank God for third party drug coverage) and come back and see me in three months. Wham bam thank you ma'am. So then I saw my GP gave him the run down asked for my new 'scripts and headed on my way - a whole 5 minutes of his time! Though he said I am looking better, so I guess that was good. I get to touch base with him in a month as well. So, that is what I have.

[rikka]

I think I am starting to develop an unhealthy relationship with food. Okay, I don't think, I am pretty positive. I am noticing an awful binge-punishment cycle going on. I might binge on a Friday night then I feel horrible so I "punish" myself on Saturday by severely reducing my calorie intake and upping my exercise. Not good. I have to stop this before it becomes serious. The obvious answer of course is to just stop binging. Enjoy a treat now and then, but in moderation. I know that right now I am more or less emotional eating, which is VERY unusual for me. But then I get frustrated because I was doing so well in my weight-loss efforts. So then I get more depressed because I feel I am failing/disappointing myself. UGH! What a mind-F I am doing on myself.

 

On a positive note, my mostly healthy weight loss is going well. My cardio has improved vastly - I can walk 10 flights of stairs and not get winded! And my muscle tone is improving - I have abs! They are hidden under some tummy still, but I can feel them. Bad news (in a good sort of way) none of my clothes fit me anymore and I can't really afford a new wardrobe, especially since I am still losing weight. Even my "skinny" clothes that I had packed away are getting too big. I've dropped more than a size and a half already. And now the too big clothes are starting to look bad. BLAH! It amused me when I went shopping with a friend the other day. Out of habit I just grabbed the sizes I am used to grabbing. It is weird when you have been one size for the last 2 years (or bigger) and after only 6 months of "good behaviour" you have to change your whole mindset. I've gone from needing bra extenders on a 38-DD to clasping on the middle clasp of a 36D. I don't think my band size will get any smaller - my rib cage cannot physically shrink.

 

I know I will always be curvy, and I am happy with that. But I have seen what happened to my grandmother and aunt - and I definitely have their genes. My grandmother went from being slender and curvy in her youth to being very overweight as she aged. My aunt is doing the same thing. I don't want that to happen to me. My father was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes at the age of 55 - I don't want that. I am doing this not to be skinny, not to fit some stereotypical idea of body shape; I am doing this because it is good for me. It is good for me physically, mentally and emotionally. I want to be happy when I see myself in pictures. I want to be able to play with my (future) children and not be winded. I want to be around to see my grandchildren. I am already going to have to take pills all my life (yay bipolar) but I don't want to have to add anymore. I don't want to worry about diabetes, cholesterol, heart disease...

 

My major regret is that I didn't start this sooner, that I waited so long to take this into my own hands. I can't change what happened, I can only work towards my future. Move forward, keep moving forward.

[rikka]

Why does he feel the need to tell me about all the people he DOESN'T sleep with. It seems like every time we talk he has been propositioned by someone who he inevitably turns down. Knowing him, I think it is his way of letting me know that he still hasn't moved on and is not seeing anyone. Personally, I don't discuss my "love life" or lack thereof with him. I know I shouldn't care, but it still gives me a twinge. Which still leads to the question of WHY does he feel the need to tell me these things?

[rikka]

UGH! I am sliding into a depression. I am watching it happen but I can't seem to stop it. I have an appointment with my therapist on the 23rd. And I have two weeks of holidays between now and then, so that might help. This is the time of year when I cycle, so we were trying to avoid it this year by modifying medications. I am not going up so that is good, but I am sliding down - not so good. I just need to break the cycle. I need to break things down into small pieces and just get through the little things day by day.

[rikka]

You know you are further down the hole than you think you are when you realize you just thought - boy, it could be really easy to overdose on the amount of meds they have me on.

 

I am not suicidal. I know I am not suicidal. I just have apparently hit that wall - or am coming close to it. I don't want to die, I just seem to contemplate how easy it could be.

 

tomorrow will be better right?

[rikka]

UGH! I did/am doing something stupid with the Ex and playing with fire. I know I should stop before it gets any worse - but it is like the door is open and I don't know if I can close it. Worse, I don't know if I want to close it - and I don't think he wants to either. Stupid me, stupid me, stupid me... but he is equally involved so yeah.... UGH

[LAYAAN]

I like reading your journal. You seem to catch your feelings well into words in a way that I just don't seem to know how.

I haven't read your entire journal, but I hope you are doing okay.

Take care.

[rikka]

Tinu, thanks for the lovely compliment. I am not currently in talk therapy (and some days I should be) so I use this as a sounding board.... sometimes there is too much "stuff" going on in my head and I just need to spew it out.

 

The next few entries are what happens when there is a lot of "stuff" going on and you have some down time at work - so LOTS of time to analyze and write journals. But since I like a bit of consistency, I am re-recording them here so I can review (and shake my head) all in the same place.

 

TUESDAY

 

Have you ever done something SO stupid and self destructive knowingly and willingly. I am playing with fire. I know I am. I also know I am going to get burned. Bad. The thing is, I can't pull myself away. You know you are doing something bad when you can't tell anyone you know about what you are doing - because you know exactly what they will say. You know they will disapprove and tell you to stop while you can. I know I should stop. I KNOW I should stop - but I can't. This whole situation has a strong-hold over me and plays to some deluded fantasy I have fought against for the past year. In fact, this whole situation makes it worse. Nothing is going to change, I know that. The end result will not be different this time, but I am foolish and lured by this sort of siren song. And there is an element of smug satisfaction and a bit of egomania - things I have suspected for the past few months prove to be right... but why is it so wrong?

 

There is this spell that he has over me time and time again. There is this delightful allure of doing something wrong. Doing something bad. I know I should quit it. I KNOW I should step away before I am in over my head. just don't answer the calls. Ignore the texts. But I won't. I know I won't. Against my better judgment I won't. Part of me needs to be wanted. Wants to be needed. I also get a sick sense of satisfaction and power... but I am sure all the power is on the other foot - and that foot is not mine. I guess I am not the only one at fault.