Walking away and moving forward....

[rikka]

Right now I truly know the meaning of bittersweet. I am experiencing the tearing of my heart and the fall out that comes. I have made up my mind to move back to "home" and leave a wonderful man behind. We both want and need different things in our lives and the sacrifices we would need each other to make are just too much. And the longer I delude myself into believing that things can/would change the worse it will be.

 

It is like a bandaid isn't it? The quicker I peel it off the easier it will be? I hope so. So why am I lingering so long? I don't know. I set my self a move date of June 23rd.... why so long? I don't know. I feel as though I owe it to my employer (why?) I feel as though I need the time for closure (what?). I know I am grieving now. Grieving over the loss of a good relationship. I also can acknowledge (now at least) that my ego is bruised. That my pride has kept me in this longer than I should have. That I have been sooooooo willing to please everyone else that I have lost sight of my own happiness. So why wait until June? GRAGH!

 

My family is being more than supportive of this (why not, this is what they have wanted for the last 18 months) and so is he (UGH! why do you have to be such a good boyfriend???). I know there is going to be a "poopstorm" at work when I let them know - but seriously what do I owe them? Heck, I am moving accross the country and will never see them again - HOLY revolution batman! This is what everyone has been trying to get me to see. My family, my therapist, my boyfriend. I have spent too long pleasing others, bending my life to support and please them and putting my needs secondary. WOW! You know what... I want to be home for my nephew's birthday - so why don't I go then? Why am I waiting. Seriously.... seriously. How much vacation time do I have I wonder? How can I make this work? Hmmmmm...... hmmmmm..... think think think before you act.

[rikka]

Second post - new line of thinking.......

 

So now I have to get my thoughts in order. Too long have I run away from problems and issues and that is not the way to deal with it. Too long have I avoided unpleasant issues and sacrificed for other people. Enough is enough - and so this is a trait and an attitude I have to leave behind.

 

What do I need when I arrive back home - well I need a place to stay, but that is fine. My sister and her husband have offered my their basement until I get myself in order - you know find a job and a place to live. Long term solution, one of my good friends has mentioned that he is going to be in need of a roommate this year - I could certainly see living with him again. We got along great. Sharing a place is definitely more cost effective. I will miss my solitude and privacy though - but I am willing to sacrifice that for saving some money.

 

Job - I am certainly leaving my current field behind. I cannot stomach it any longer. It has slowly and surely been sucking the life out of me and making me an angry and cynical person. I am sure that I can find a job quickly when I move back. I am moving back to the one place in this continent that is still in an economic boom. When I left 18 months ago it was certainly a job-seekers market, and from the sounds of it, it still is.

 

Mistakes I have made and that I want to learn from.....

a)being ONLY about my job. It is great to take pride in my work but it is bad when it is the only thing I have and I begin to strongly identify myself with it. Then it consumes me and I get too wrapped up in it. And that is when it leads to me making outrageous sacrifices in my life to please those I work with. I have done it before countless times and I did it this time - I need to stop this.

 

b) finding a hobby that involves other people. I am going to be 28 years old... how do I meet new people? Well, that is where I am going to have to take a class/ join a group so I can meet people with similar interests and mindsets. I have always had an issue with meeting new people, especially since i convocated. I always wondered how people did it... and seeing as i have lived in this city for 18 months and do not have anyone I can call a "friend" is definitely not a good thing.

 

c) relationship stuff - well that is certainly enough revelation for a new post.....

 

 

I would like to thank my therapist. He has given me such insight and has allowed me to move past self-induced hurdles. I need to thank my sister who has been nothing but supportive and has lent me an ear when I needed it. She has been a sounding board for all my issues - especially when I could not deal with it myself. And I need to thank my boyfriend who has been more than supportive of me finding what I need to be happy and realizing that I am unhappy and not trying to hold me back.

 

Wow.

[rikka]

There has been so much on my mind for the past 6 weeks. Internal turmoil hurts and I never thought about writing it all down - until now. This helps so much. It helps to let me get it all out so I can truly walk away (and move forward).

 

My relationship.... oh where do I begin...... let's not consider this a mistake, let's consider this to be a lesson learned.

 

On the surface we have a great relationship. We care about each other so much. We want the other person to be happy. We are supportive and loving. We balance each other and compliment each other. On the surface we complete each other......... but there is always something under the surface.

 

What I love about therapy is that he makes me come to the logical conclusions on my own. He makes me say the things I have so often avoided saying. And when you say that aloud it really resonates. So here comes the good, the bad and the ugly of my seemingly perfect relationship.

 

Self delusion - man I am good at that. And you know what this is easily a two way street. I think he has been deluding himself as well. I have never, ever, hidden my agenda from day one. I want marriage. I want children. I want a house to call my own. Him: well, he has always waffled. I mean I know up front he mentioned he hesitates to commit. yet from early on, we were an exclusive couple. He hesitates to commit - yet he asked me to move in with him. Mixed messages. Which of course leads me to believe that he can "change" or at the very least will change his mind. So when the big questions come up like "will we get married" and I get answers like "If we get married" which with time becomes "when we get married" well you can see how I get confused.... because when push came to shove and at this end point when I asked him is this ever going to be a reality and he says "I don't know"..... WOW. Ummmm five years and I get a "I don't know". Ummmm..... did I really just convince myself that things were going to change? From day one he mentioned he had issues with commitment - but many people say that. And then you add the mixed messages in, well you can see how I can easily convince myself we are on the same page.

 

Some differences are fundamental. It is all fine and dandy to be different, it really completes the relationship. But when you look at the core differences - well it looks like this relationship was probably doomed from the start:

Me - family oriented : Him - wants to be far away from his family

Me - practicing catholic: him - lapsed catholic more agnostic/atheist now

Me - money isn't all I need : him - money is first and for most

Me - "us/we" : Him - Me then us

 

These aren't little differences, these are BIG differences. It isn't like - I like tomato sauce you like cream sauce, so we'll alternate. Or I like trashy reality TV and you can't stand it, so I get my one night to watch it and you will find something else to do.... these were REALLY big differences and issues that can't really be compromised.

 

I am going to say it. I am self-sacrificing and he is selfish. I am not saying I am a martyr or anything.... and I am not saying this to paint him badly.... i am saying this because it is a reality. I have tried so hard to build a life for "us" that I forgot "me". He has never forgotten "me" and he has always looked out for "me" first. And I saw this awhile ago and I chose to ignore it (self-delusion... look I am good at it). I am trying to see this relationship for all of what it was. I want to leave with the good memories, but I also want to be able to walk away and move on. I know I am leaving a huge chunk of me here.... but I need to be ready to move forward and hit the ground running when i get back. I need to be able to move past this relationship, learn from it, grow from it... but move on. It isn't going to come back. We are not going to reconcile - the fundamental differences are too strong. Out personal needs are to diverse for us to be able to compromise. During our last tearful discussion he summed it up perfectly - "You need to be close to your family and I need to be as far from mine as I can". Since our families are relatively close in distance there really can't be a compromise. And so it goes... and I go on. I cannot let myself wallow in it. I can grieve for my final weeks here - and then I go and I don't look back. I can't look back or I am going to lose part of me.

 

Growing up is hard.

[rikka]

So this is a unique experience for me. Most of my previous relationships ended with not so good terms. I have no issue referring to them as "exes". But this time round it doesn't feel right. Ex has always seem like such a harsh term, it has negative implications to me, this time round it doesn't fit. Just like I don't like calling it a break up. Nothing is breaking. We are going our separate ways that is it. There is no malicious thoughts, no hostile feelings, no hurt pride. It feels surreal since it is so amicable. And it is a place I have never been in. And this time when I say "let's keep in touch" I think I actually mean it (he is still coming to my sister's wedding mid-summer). Hi, this is E my last boyfriend? Hi, this is my friend E? Hi, this is E, we've known each other for a very long time? UGH.

 

On the flip side, I have noticed myself mentally shutting things off. I am trying to attribute adequate "blame" on him. I am trying to distance myself from this. And that is hard. I haven't stopped loving him. I don't know if I ever truly will, but I know that it would never work out in the end. I want to distance myself. I want to move on. I need to move on.

 

Which of course leads to the feelings of jealousy and insecurity. He is not like that. He is not going out and meeting new people right now. He is not looking to "replace me". He isn't like that at all. He would never disrespect me like that. But the demons still gnaw at me - much like the old adage, if I can't have you I don't want anyone to have you. I know that he is going to meet someone else some day. I know that he is going to move on. And I know that she is going to be everything I am not, and that makes me feel like garbage.

[rikka]

Well, I cannot fully and finally relax and get into my new life until I tie up strings in my old one. E has been more than wonderful. He reminds me daily that he will miss me, but this is all about me and I do what I need to do when I need to do it. So.... I booked my flight for June 11!!! 53 days... OH My!

 

So what is the hurdle (aside from annoying things like packing and booking movers etc).... letting work know. I had a minor heart attack the other day as my boss pulled me aside and said that she is hearing rumours that I am moving. I had no idea where she heard these from (and shared as much) because I haven't talked to anyone about it here (only E and my family). I should have told her then and there - but i wasn't ready to. It wasn't the time or the place. But I think I am ready. I think I am going to do it on Tuesday. I am probably going to give more information than I need to, but I do consider her a "friend" and I want to put it terms that she will understand. Much like discussing this with E, I want it to be clear that it is nothing personal - I just need to do this for me and my happiness. I am sure our district manager will try to persuade me to stay - but it is not about the money, it is not about the job. It is about me and my happiness.

 

Why can't I just go to sleep and wake up on June 12 with everything done???

[rikka]

Man, I am glad I created this thing. There is so much on my mind and it is really good to have a place where I can get it all out. I decided to get my act in gear - 52 days is going to go by quick.... very quick. I have requested moving quotes, I have picked out flights, I have started to pack (and purge) and everyday I still feel overwhelmed. It is hard to get going because part of me is reluctant to do it.

 

I have decided to take my final 10 days here as holidays - I may never be back here, and I want a chance to experience this city fully. I want to have some time to finish packing and prepping. And this is all about me.

 

It is beautiful out here tonight. I am sitting on the balcony enjoying the sunset. The weather is gorgeous - I am going to miss this. I am going to miss having easily accessible transit (and I have to buy a car again - GAH!). I am going to miss the weather - but I am glad to be going back to the sunshine. The downtown area is wonderful, there are always things to do. The culture is fun and interesting. But really, this is a nice place to visit (and possibly retire) but I don't know how long I would have stayed here ultimately. But still, I am going to miss elements of it.

[rikka]

Man oh man do I love my therapist. He is one of the major things I am going to miss when I move. I had two other therapists back home - none of them compare to him. I am recording some of the things we talked about today - just so I have them on record and can look back on them when I no longer have him to remind me.

 

Love yourself and listen to yourself. We have been working so hard to get me to see my self first and stop self-sacrificing for other people. That is excellent and the recent events have shown me how far I have come. But I have to start listening to myself. Acknowledge my feelings and emotions - don't disregard them. Treat them with the same weight and consideration that I give to the feelings of others, if not more.

 

It is OK to have mixed emotions. Part of my recent struggle has been (and in the past it has also been) dealing with conflict of emotions - head vs heart and changing minds etc. Things change, people change and we adapt to that. We have to "roll with the punches" and constantly reassess the situation at hand. It is okay for my thoughts/feelings/wants to change. Nothing is static and nothing is black and white. And that is okay.

 

Be honest with yourself/don't get stuck in a cycle. Speaking in a hypothetical - the vacation story. If you ask anyone how their vacation was they will generally tell you it was excellent - regardless if it really was. They will dwell on the positives and tell you it was amazing, even if it was awful and stressful. Maybe it rained the whole time, and the vehicle broke down and the luggage was lost and little Suzy got ill. These things happen. But if we gloss over it, we are likely going to have repeat experiences. Noting is perfect so don't pretend that it is. Don't put up a front - be honest with yourself. And then apply this to my "current" relationship. Sometimes it is easier to "pretend", but that doesn't make the issues go away. And that can lead into a cycle of remembering only the fond moments.

 

What else did we talk about today..... Oh yes, the death of my dream. I am not ready to reflect on that yet. I think I will leave that for another time.

[rikka]

I am tired of crying. That's it that's all.

[rikka]

It's not suicidal, because I don't want to die - I just want to stop living. At least for a little bit. Perhaps wake up in a few months and be in a new life. And these are the thoughts that scare me. I was taking my meds tonight - and I looked at the sleeping pills and I wondered, just for a minute, what might happen if I took more than a few. They are so little, would it really matter? Or the other day, walking to my appointment, wondering, what would happen if I stepped in front of that bus? I don't want to die, but living is just a bit too much for me. It is all my own creation, of that I am aware, but it is hard. It is hard to keep things straight. I am not of the same mind for more than a few minutes. I cry all the time. If I could just shut off and shut the world away, even for a little while, things would be excellent. It would make things easier. I don't like who I am right now. I am torn into a million pieces and each piece wants something different. And I can't talk about it, because I can't even put it into words. Why are you crying? If I could tell you I would, but it hurts you to see me cry. It hurts because you can't help me. I can't help me right now. I have to struggle, but it is hard to breathe. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. These are the demons that haunt my sleep. I wish they would all just stop.

[rikka]

Man oh man, I am drained right now. It is amazing when you finally acknowledge how stressed you are. I have a massage booked for Monday afternoon (courtesy of wonderful E) and I will leave that refreshed and ready to start again. Meanwhile I have a quick jaunt back home planned for a funeral - ugh. Just one more thing adding to the stress. Trying to balance work and packing, and family and and and and and.....

 

I know I am looking for reassurances right now. I need affirmations and assurances that it will be ok, that I am ok, that everything is going to be fine. And that is hard to find in this current situation. UGH!

[rikka]

I feel like I am fixated on certain aspects. I am trying to look forward, but I am still making justifications for my choices. More over, since the relationship is done - by mutual decision - there is no desire or hope of reconciliation. So all I can do it move on. BUT, as my doctor is trying to get me to see, there are lessons to be learned and I need to understand what decisions I made that got me to this point. I need to recognize patterns and be able to make decisions differently to avoid spinning my wheels.

 

This week's analogy..... clothing and shopping! So I buy a pair of jeans. I had tried them on in the shop and I liked them, so I buy them. I get them home and I realize that maybe they aren't what I am looking for. I have changed my mind. What works out better - taking them back right away and either exchanging or returning them, or waiting around hemming and hawing for 3 months and THEN deciding I want to return them. Obviously the better results come from assessing the situation and reacting to it as soon as possible. Holding onto the jeans isn't going to make them fit any better.... it is just me holding on to them and wasting my money. So even if I have worn that style for the last 10 years and they are my favourite style doesn't mean that I have to keep getting them because they USED to be what I liked. I can change my mind, I can change my preferences.

 

Then onto shoes! That fabulous pair of 4" stilettos may look fabulous in the store - so I buy them. But they hurt my feet. Pride keeps me wearing them even though they make me miserable. I hold onto the ideal of the shoe and not the reality of the shoe. The luster of the shoe has long worn off when reality sets in - but if I stubbornly choose to wear the shoes that hurt my feet for appearance sake then I am making a foolish choice.

 

It's all about knowing what I want in my life and making sure I make the choices to get it. I can't be in a relationship with someone else until I am sure and confident in what I want my future to hold. I spent 5 years chasing someone else's dream at the cost of my own - no more.

[rikka]

You know why I've never had a fight in my relationships? Because i am a doormat. This decision to move was the first time I have truly stood up for what I wanted. I've always considered myself "amiable" and "flexible" and "easygoing" - but I am not. I put my wants/needs aside to please other people. And then I adopt a martyr stance - that I sacrifice things for other people. But really, I do it to myself. I make myself vulnerable and there are people out there who will take advantage of that.... And have taken advantage of that.

 

I have always been "persuadable" - I cave to guilt trips. I do what other people want because I have always felt the need to please other people. I figure if I do what they want, they will like me. Yay for external validation. But really, it just makes me seem indecisive, weak, and a pushover.

 

I need to stop discounting my feelings. It is okay to want things. It is okay to have a differing opinion. It is healthy, as long as my requests are reasonable. It is taking control back. In essence I was giving control (and responsibility) over to other people. I let them make my choices for me - let's see how well that has worked out for me. It all starts by me acknowledging my feeling/wants/needs and determining what is the best way to get that. Of course there is always room for compromise, at least on some issues, but there is a BIG difference between compromise and caving.

 

It is empowering a bit. I have already started taking control back. I chose the flight I wanted. I chose the restaurant I wanted (sounds silly, but I have never made the choice of where to eat in 4 years of this relationship). This isn't to say that I have to turn high-maintenance, or into a pushy cow. It isn't me becoming a demanding bully. It is about me taking some responsibility for myself and my life.

 

And the pieces all start to fall into place....

[rikka]

There are certain words I need to remove from my personal lexicon. I need to eliminate the negative words that taint my point of view.

 

Failure - when I view mistakes as failures it is hard to admit that I have made them. It is seeing things as completely black/white and does not allow myself leeway to grow and change. I get stuck in a rut and stubbornly try to make things work, because if I don't, I have failed.

 

Conflict - not every disagreement is a conflict. Not every conflict has a negative outcome. But in my mind it is/they do. Which then leads to me avoiding issues. It avoids me dealing with problems and I blow them up and out of proportion. And by the time I get around to dealing with it, the fear is greater than it needs to be.

 

Giving up - falling into a similar category as failure. It is this perception that if I start something I have to finish it. I don't allow myself to re-assess a situation and change plans or paths. I will stick with something no matter how long it makes me miserable. I am unwilling to "cut my losses" and extract myself from certain situations.

 

Rejection - just because some one does not have the same wants as me, doesn't mean they don't want ME. It also doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me.

More to be added as I continue my self discovery and personal revelations.

[rikka]

So I am in this bizarre little limbo. I am here with E for another 28 days. And for those final 28 days we are still a "couple" but I know I have been emotionally distancing myself from him and the relationship. I think I started doing this to help myself to be strong in my choice. It would be so much harder to leave if I was still fully in the relationship.

 

3 months ago I desperately hoped that he would decide to come with me.

 

After the dust settled, I hoped he would change his mind and decide to join me.

 

2 months ago, I wanted so badly for him to see the "light" and that he would follow in a few months and we would reconcile.

 

Now, I have no desire to reconcile. There will be no "getting back together" even if he does move back to our "home". There are so many things to which I have finally opened my eyes. Fundamental incompatibilities that doomed this relationship from pretty much the start. The expiration date on it has long since passed. And this makes it easier. I can start over with someone else - knowing what I am not looking for and what I am. I can hopefully avoid another 4 years of back and forth trying to manipulate and mold each other into what we each wanted.

 

Yes I will be sad to say goodbye. He is truly a great person and has introduced me to so many new things and experiences. He is truly kind and caring and devoted. He treats me wonderfully and wants what is best for me. I have been lucky to spend this time with him. And it has led me down a road of self discovery. But this chapter is closed. There is nothing more we can give each other in the way of a life-partnership. We can be there as friends, which will result in some unique challenges. But the time has come to move on.

[rikka]

Ok, I get it. The relationship is over. We are both moving on. It is as mutual as these things get. I want to move on.... but I don't want HIM to move on. Isn't that always the way? I don't want it, but I don't want anyone else to have it! I could not sleep last night, because I was lying in bed (with him) imaging the next woman to take my place. And that stung. I am leaving, he is staying. Our apartment goes back to being HIS apartment. Our bed goes back to being HIS bed - and therefore he can entertain anyone he wants in it. I just don't want him to! (insert pouty face and a foot stomp for emphasis). I know it is stupid. I know these feelings are jealousy and insecurity and they are normal etc etc. And that is why I am scribbling them in my journal. If I keep them inside I will explode! I guess the major saving grace is that I am moving accross the country - so the only contact I have to have is the contact I want to have. I don't have to be here watching him move on.

 

I know that part of this is due to my own self image. I mean in my head I keep saying "moving on" "leaving me" "replacing me" - these are all negative vibes I am putting on it. I mean technically I am the one "leaving". I could choose to stay here and stay in this relationship - but my eyes have been opened and it is inevitable.....

 

C'est La Vie!

 

Ok, putting this in here because heck, it's my journal and I'll do what I want. So in the conversation leading into this mental assault E relayed a "joke" his friend told him by way of support. See E and T go WAY back. T has been man on the town, I don't think he has ever had a real relationship. He is essentially a womanizer. So E was telling T all about what is going on, and in a sympathetic buddy way T says "That's really sad (heavy pause) it's been four years (another pause) your game sucked back then, you are screwed now". I know it is T's way of cheering him up. I know it is a joke. I know that. But head sees things differently than heart. Heart does not want him to move on. Heart imagines that, despite everything going on, there will be a happily ever after. Heart is deluded.

[rikka]

and that makes it harder.

 

His stoic exterior finally cracked. Last night he finally said "I'm going to miss you". After so many years you come to accept certain things about someone. I know he does not express emotion very well. I know that he keeps things inside. So in this whole situation all I have heard from him is "it is what it is"... which is as close as I figured I would get to any emotion. Last night he said he was going to miss me... as bad as it made me feel, it truly made me feel loved. UGH what kind of messed up situation have I entrenched myself in???? And then I came to realize that projection is a scary creature. Every time he has had "unhappy" thoughts about the whole thing, he never said anything - he would only ask if I am okay.

 

Today we had a trial run of "goodbye" - we get two and then it is the real one. I am headed off to my grandmother's funeral this weekend. Next weekend he is going to a music festival. Two and a half weeks later - it is the real thing. After he went to work today, there were a few tears. I think next weekend I am going to cry a lot. And then on the real day - nothing is going to stop the tears until I land back home and embrace the family I have so missed and loved. I am loved. I have so many people there who miss me and need me. And I need them. I need my support network.

[rikka]

Like the title says, I am trying to keep up with appearances. You know what the kick is - it doesn't work. I have been doing this all my life. Fake it 'til you make it. If you pretend nothing is wrong - nothing is wrong. You know where the problem lies, that you start to internalize. You drown in the weight of it all because you have never had someone to talk to about all of it. You live in fear of people not thinking your life is as perfect as you want to be.

 

I can't talk to E about the move - even the good parts - because I feel it is disrespectful. But like the elephant in the room, just because you avoid it doesn't make it go away. So I squirrel away and when he is out I scramble to pack and prepare. And when he comes home there are empty walls and packed boxes. I suppose it is my way of dealing with it.

 

I don't talk to my family about my failing relationship. I don't want to hear the "I told you so". I don't want people to think I "failed". I am proud and don't want to admit I made a "mistake". But I am struggling. I need someone to listen to me. I need someone, therapist aside, to let it all out. I need someone to bounce thoughts and feelings off. I need someone to listen to me. For now, this is you.

[rikka]

I love that my coffee "mug" is actually 4 cups. And that I can/will drink an entire coffee press in one sitting. I am sad.

 

I also love that I can find a million ways to procrastinate.

 

/randomness.

[rikka]

I walked into my dark and empty apartment tonight. It still smells like your cologne. And man do I miss you. I miss telling you about the stupidity in my day. I miss ranting about customers with you. I miss your comforting words and your silliness. I miss just having you here. I want to text you. I want to talk to you. I want to have you. 19 days from now this is going to be my reality. That thought makes me sick.

 

Someone please tell me I made the right decision.

[rikka]

Someone killed themselves today at the building where I work. They went up to the parkade and jumped off. I know people die everywhere everyday but it just feels surreal today.

[rikka]

I just finished sobbing. I haven't sobbed in a long time. And it hurts. one week. one week is all I have left. I am packing up and cleaning right now - they come to get my stuff on Saturday. Everything I move, everything I see has memories and feelings attached. I know it is just stuff. They are just things - but it all brings up the good times and that makes me cry. My heart is breaking right now. I know I made the right choice. I know that when push came to shove this relationship was not going where I needed it to go. I know that it is better that I get out now rather than four years from now - but that doesn't make it any easier. That doesn't make it hurt any less today. I am dying inside today. Tomorrow or the next day - or maybe a few more after that - I will be able to pick myself up and dust myself off and move on. Right now I need to mourn. I need to grieve and let myself hurt, at least for a bit, because it is something I need to do eventually. And it is better to get it out now. I know things are exacerbated right now by other events. My grandfather passed away on Tuesday. My mother is back in the hospital and they are talking about performing a permanent illiostomy. There is so much going on, how can I be happy? How can I enjoy anything. The sun is shining, the birds are singing - I want rain and clouds and misery to keep me company right now.

 

I won't think about that now, I will think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

[rikka]

I am so emotionally all over the map today. Solo time and mindless tasks can do that to a girl. I stopped crying (but it felt good, I haven't had a good cry in a few weeks now). Now I am saddled with those awful feelings of resentment. And since this is my journal I can pour out those feelings and get them out of my system!

 

Towards my family - I resent that you do not acknowledge the seriousness of the situation. Either they don't know what to say or they just don't really care. I mean come on, I have been with E for almost five years, we've been living together for 18 months - this isn't some puppy-love, high school relationship. It isn't something I am just going to "get over". This is a person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. No one has cared to talk to me about how things are going. Every time I am upset they just assume it is about something regarding the move. I mean we've been together longer than my sister and her fiance - and if they broke up everyone would be there to help her pick up the pieces. For me, it feels as though they are expecting me to just move on. It is frustrating. Is it sad when the only person I talk to about this is my therapist? Solo grief isn't an easy thing. Whoo! That actually really felt good. This next one is going to feel even better I think.

 

Towards E - I resent that you led me on for these few years. I resent that you took me and our relationship for granted. I resent the fact that I feel like I have wasted time because I THOUGHT we had a common dream. I resent the fact that all the times we talked about "the future" you didn't have the guts to tell me what you were really thinking and let me believe that we shared the same goals. I resent that you don't seem to be taking this as hard as I am, and I resent that you are going to be able to move on much faster than me. I HATE the fact that you are not emotional and cannot show me how you feel - that you could NEVER show me how you felt. I hate the fact that I am now second guessing every discussion and sentiments we've ever exchanged because I am so stuck in this negative place. I loved you so much, I would have done so much for you - but sometimes love isn't enough is it?

 

Perhaps now is the time for me to start visiting the "healing after breakup/divorce" forums. I feel so alone right now, that I have to deal with this all by myself. And that is hard. It hurts. 6 days 21 hours left - I guess I can say that the relationship is officially over.

[rikka]

Well, the movers came and picked up my stuff. Reality is setting in. So of course I am sad and mopey and all of that jazz. The weather is fitting today. Overcast and drizzly.

 

You know what is awful, thinking you were the centre of someone's world and realizing you really weren't. Or at least no longer are. I don't like that I am finding this so hard and it seems like it doesn't affect him. He is already "moving on", which of course makes me feel replaceable. No one likes feeling replaceable. For example, I leave on Thursday. His friends are already planning on taking him out to "reclaim his singlehood" on Friday (which they said in front of me - that stung). So I kept myself up last night irrationally thinking about some other woman sleeping in MY bed (which is no longer going to be my bed) and being in MY apartment (which will no longer be my apartment). I know it will get easier when I am gone and have other things to occupy my mind. I know that I will be moving on so it will be easier for me to accept him moving on. But I still don't like feeling replaceable. I don't like feeling that I was just another notch or whatever. That I was just another girlfriend in the line of girlfriends. I also don't like that it is me who is making myself feel this way. How do I get past that?

[rikka]

He gave me a "goodbye gift". A little token from an inside joke. It ends on a happy note. I have had four excellent years. A lot of fun. And I have a great friend. I can't wait to get home.

[rikka]

Keep looking forward. If I look back, I am going to fall. Keep my eyes towards my destination. If I look back, it is easy to slide.

 

Talked to my good friend yesterday. She is expecting and due in November. I get to be around for that! We've been making plans of all the things we are going to do when I get back. She has missed me. I missed her.

 

Just keep looking forward.

 

My niece has already planned a play date. We are going to go to the fun factory. Just her and I. We are going to have a girly day. She is only 3 and she knows that auntie is a sucker and will give in no matter what.

 

Just keep looking ahead.

 

I get my car back in five days. I have missed my baby. It will be nice to have the freedom of a vehicle.

 

think about tomorrow

 

I have a job interview on Thursday (next week). It is with a temp agency - but it is money. I only submitted a resume yesterday. That is positive. They did my pre-lim interview over the phone this morning. If I can atleast get a source of income that will help. A car and a job - that will be a first step. Then my own place. Then a new relationship. Then a happy ever after.....

 

Keep my eyes forward and I will get through this. It doesn't make the hurt any less. It doesn't make that heart stop hurting. It doesn't make me not want to throw up right now.... but I can't stop to dwell on it.... it will only make it harder. I can't change the course of things, it is what it is. I'll get through this. I'll be fine. I made the right choice.