Walking away and moving forward....

[rikka]

So I wanted to write you or call you or what have you - but I can't. Or rather I shouldn't. So I am not. I am going to write it here. And that may make it better. OR not. But at least I can pretend.

 

I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss sharing the inane details of my day with you. I miss spending time with you. I miss the fact that right now we'd be sitting in the living room, watching TV. I'd be on the internet and you on the Xbox. But we'd be talking and sharing. I would be browsing our websites and reading the funny bits. I was browsing them tonight, but there was no one for me to share them with. So I thought of you. That sucked. I was shopping for some groceries and I thought of things I forgot to tell you before I left. And that made me sad. It is the stupid little things. And now that things have wound down from the weekend and routine is starting to set in - it is a new routine and it is devoid of you. And that makes me sad. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss you so much I want to take it all back. I want to fix it. I want to pretend it never broke. I want to make it all better. I want to go back to the way it was before. I know it can't. I know we can't go back to the way it was. And I know that it is hard. I know that it has only been 3 days. It is going to take time. I know one thing - but I feel another. I just need to break the routines and get into a new stride.

 

So much more to move on to and I know that I am not leaving you behind forever. I do need to move on. So I say goodbye. Goodbye. I love you. I miss you. I always will.

 

Mmmmmmwhah.

[rikka]

I slept on his side of the bed last night. I am in a new place and have finally gotten used to my new settings. And I sprawled allover the bed and ended up sleeping on his side. It really is the stupid little things that spark the memories and that is when the tears well up. It is the moments when I have 'down time' and I am left alone with my thoughts. Thankfully my niece doesn't let me have a lot by way of downtime. Night time is the worst. I lie in bed and think. And the thoughts suck. I just want to move past the pain. I referred to him as "my ex-boyfriend" the other night. That hurt. But it is the reality.

 

moving forward. It is all I can do.

[rikka]

Why does it feel like it has been months since I moved and not only 10 days? Why does it feel like I should be further ahead than i really am? Maybe because I was ready for it a long time ago.

 

So I have been in contact with him. He started it! We talked on the phone the other night, just to catch up. Then I let him know about my mother and her second surgery. There have been some texts back and forth. I am really working hard to not make it frequent and prolonged. It isn't weird... or maybe just a bit. It is trying to find that balance. That area between lovers and friends. I miss him that is for sure. But I know it is more of the routines that I miss. The familiarity of it all. Right now I am at that point where I am imagining all the ways it could work out - then I go back and read my posts from 3 months ago. The reminders of why I needed to get out. The reminders of what wasn't perfect and what I needed to do for me.

[rikka]

Well I have really begun to settle into my "new life". I have had two job interviews and I have two more this week. With any luck I will be employed by month end (here's hoping). I am loving being able to spend time with my niece and nephew. I love that I was able to be there for my mother's last surgery and was able to spend some time with her in the hospital - and that I am going to get to see her every other week (or so) and not just twice a year.

 

I still miss E. But I can talk about him without tearing up now - so that is good. I can talk about the relationship and not just focus on the bad stuff. I have talked to him a couple of times and I plan to continue to. He is an interesting guy and he always has a positive impact on my life.

 

Here's my new "to do" list - 1) find a job

2) Save up some money

3) find my own place (target is end of august)

4) take a recreational class (dance/cooking something)

5) throw my hat back into the dating game. Focus on meeting new people and not "the one".

 

I think I have come along way. Yay me!

[rikka]

I have a job. The pay isn't excellent, but it is much better than minimum wage. A $5/hour paycut hurts. But it is better than no job at all. AND it does not involve selling anything. It is actually rather mindless. So it is something that will stimulate me to keep looking. I am excited to start working again. I love my time off, I love spending time with friends and family, but I need to be busy. And I need money.

 

E called again last night. He wanted to update me on some of our friends back out west. We talked for over an hour. It was nice. It didn't end in tears or me telling him I missed him. It was a good friendly chat. We are in a good place. I made the right choice.

[rikka]

Yeesh! Wow. So we had a chat. A nice one, E and I. Just as friends. He likes to update me on how everyone is doing back west. It seems like he in embracing his "freedom" quite heartily - and for me it just clearly defines how much disparage was in the fundamentals of this relationship. If these were the things that I was holding him back from - well no matter how long this went on there would never have been a happy ending. Never. This makes it easier. I miss the "old" him, but seeing the "new" him - well I would never choose to be in a relationship with someone who lives like him. The world is interesting.

[rikka]

So I am officially off paxil. YAY! I have finished weaning off of it. I have an emergency "week's supply" incase I start to spiral and I can get myself to a physician to get back on to something. I am excited.

 

I miss therapy though. Those were great times.

[rikka]

That's how I feel today. Things were going so good. And now I have had a couple of back steps.....

 

1) Last night I dreamt that E and I got married. A quick little vegas wedding that we told no one about until it was done. I have had a few dreams about him recently. And then it makes me miss him. The old him at least. Maybe I am not as over it as I want to think I am. Then I remind myself that it was 5 years and it has only been 1 month, it is going to take time.

 

2) who would have thought that 5mg of Paxil makes such a difference. Things aren't going as well as I want them to, and I am hyper-emotional and I have been crying alot recently. I am going to give it a solid two weeks and see if it gets better. As my sister reminded me, there is a lot going on: lousy weather, mom is heading back into the hospital AGAIN, there have been issues with the move (and now all my stuff is missing), I have started a new job, I don't have my own space or any sense of privacy (living with two toddlers)..... I guess it really is a lot on my plate right now and it is ok to be sad. I just have to keep an eye on it.

 

Wish me luck

[rikka]

I got an ego boost today. And I am going to take it for what it's worth. It really helped.

 

I started a new job this week, and for my own sanity I am trying to keep my personal life on a need to know basis. I am essentially an open book and I don't hold things back very well, but really does everyone need to/want to know everything? So of course over the past few days my new co-workers and I have been playing "get to know you". Of course the last few months have not been a hay-day.... nor the last oh let's say 3 years... it isn't light conversation certainly. Explaining where I come from and how I got where I am. At the same time, giving one word answers and being vague doesn't work either. The two biggest questions I get (and I am still working on answers) why did you move back to Saskatchewan? and Why did you move out to BC? My pat answer has been so far: "I moved to BC because my partner at the time was transferred with his employment and I made the choice to go with him. I then realized that I needed to be back home and that is why I chose to return. " Fair enough right? answers the questions. Intuitive people pick up on some of the subtleties and nosy people feel the need to pry. Anyway, on to my ego boost!

 

So here's me. New job. Could really use a bit of a confidence boost. I have totally switched fields and my new job is hectic and there is a steep learning curve. So most days I feel inadequate. My supervisor is a great guy. He is patient and funny, and mildly flirtatious. So today we were chatting and he was asking about my past career and what transpired to get me to where I am now. So of course I gave my answer. His response was to the effect of "no longer together?" "nope" "I can tell you, it was definitely his loss". Now coming from someone who has known me a grand total of 4 days (so what 32 hours?) it really doesn't mean that much. But it was complimentary, it was candid, and it made me feel good about myself.

 

Much of me, and my self worth, was wrapped up in my last relationship. When we separated, I did lose a lot of me. And yes, it bruised my ego. It is nice to hear from someone that I am an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have me in their lives. Hearing it from someone who is outside the situation makes it feel even better. Friends and family are supposed to be supportive. They are expected to do lip service in these situations to make me feel better. Hearing such sentiments from someone on the outside feel good.

 

One giant leap forward.

[rikka]

Since I am feeling progressive today (and I miss my therapist) I am going to just ramble for a bit.

 

Desperation makes us do silly things. It makes us hold on to things long past their expiration date. I can cling, I don't like change. I have an imagining of how I would like my life to go. Instead of changing myself and my situations to make that happen, I try to change those around me to fit my needs. Instead of admitting that sometimes things don't fit, I desperately hold onto things. I make myself fit. And everytime I do that, I lose a piece of me.

 

Things with E hadn't been perfect in a long time. I convinced myself they were because I am stubborn. I was proud. Walking away, to me, meant a failure. I was so convinced that I would never find another that I made myself accept what I had. I know that in love you accept someone for who they truly are - but when that person is not what you need, it will never work. Differences can be complimentary, but big differences can tear you apart. So like the willow, I bend and give way. Like jello, I conform to the mold I am poured into (wow what a TERRIBLE analogy). And in doing that I lose sight of who I really am, what I really want, and what I need to be happy. If I bow and scrape and make someone else happy that should be enough.

 

I should have known how things were going to end before I launched into it. I remember a wretched, tearful conversation we had before I moved out to BC. I was asking for a commitment - and he was playing his commitmentaphobe card. And i bought it. Now he had some good points. The bulk of our relationship had been spent long distance and how could we truly know how compatible we were until we spent hardcore time up close and personal. And true, he did ask me to move to be with him and move in with him. And truly that is probably all the commitment I could expect from him. That anyone will be able to expect from him. But something should have clicked after that. Instead I pushed it aside and imagined what I wanted. And once again, in my defence, there were times and elements that contributed to my feelings of being led on. And really, when push came to shove, what each of us had planned for our lives was very different. And yeah we could have played at the charade for awhile longer, but the end result would have been the same. But it would have been harder. It would have been more painful. It would have been easier to just "suck it up". Starting over at 27 is hard enough, let alone at say 32, 38 and so on. And thank God we never had any children, or that we weren't married, because five years down the road we still would have made it to the same place. But there would have been more resentment, because in compromising we both were making some major sacrifices. We were losing who we each were.

 

I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would not be "the girlfriend" for the rest of my life. Ten years later I did not just want to be "the girlfriend". There is nothing wrong with it, it is just not what I wanted for my life. And so when I moved, without a ring on my finger or a promise of permanent commitment, I promised that I would evaluate the situation after a year. That would have given us sufficient time to know what we were doing. And surface wise, we were compatible. Surface wise, we had a great relationship. From the outside looking in it was an excellent relationship. He never hurt me. He made me feel special and loved. He was my best friend and I could share so much with him. It was so easy to push things aside and not rock the boat. But then the serious discussions came. Coincidently around my one year mark.

 

The ball was started by talks of him job. A potential transfer in the late summer. Moving to somewhere I really didn't want to go. Being told that we would cross that bridge when we came to it - he still considering it even though he knew I was adamantly against it. Being made aware that I was second place to his job and that I always would be. Being told that though money isn't everything it sure means a lot. Knowing that first and foremost he was going to look out for him first.

 

Then there was the conversation of his wanderlust. How he would love to live a nomadic lifestyle like his sister. How if he had his way he would pack up everything and move around like a drifter. And then I was told that I was his anchor- "in a good way". To which my eyes should have been opened that I was holding him back. At least in a theoretical sense. Logically I know he will never pick up and go. But so long as his crummy job dangles these promotional opportunities in front of him and offer him a bit of adventure, he will never leave. He will work his job until the day he retires. And he will hate about 80% of it.

 

And so began my turn. I thought i was homesick because I was depressed. But I was depressed because I was homesick. And more over, I was sick to my soul when I started to read the writings on the wall. So I pushed it. I asked about marriage. I asked about starting a family. I realized my dreams were not compatible with his. I realized I was far more into "us" than he would ever be. And so began the tearful conversations. They started with me telling him that I wasn't happy. That I needed to go home. That I was miserable.

 

Then came the "I really need to go home" conversation. Which led to the "will you come with me" tangent. And the "I am not talking about 5 years or 10 years... I mean soon." And slowly it unraveled. Both of us knowing what was going to happen, but neither of us wanting to say it. And that was the beginning of the end. And I promised myself I would give it a few weeks. Let us both have time for reflection. I didn't make it a few weeks.

 

The last conversation on it all was just us both putting it into words. Saying what we both knew was inevitable. Having that conversation. The conversation that even now makes me feel sick to my stomach. The point in which I finally realized that love wasn't enough. And that is when this journal began.

 

And I needed to get it out. Because it is easier to see it all now. It is easier to see where I should have seen the truth coming. It takes away some of the pain and the hurt knowing that this wasn't a quick decision. It isn't something that either of us will regret. We each grew into our own and realized our true desires. And in doing that we pulled apart. And that was for the best. Because now there is no resentment. There is no ill wished. There is no regrets.

 

And so E, I love you. Thank you for the wonderful years. Thank you for helping me grow and broadening my horizons. I let you go now. You are free. Go be happy and live your dreams, because I am going to as well.

[rikka]

No matter how ready you think you are to do it... maybe it is just best to not. I now understand why there are so many threads about checking/not checking the facebook status of ex's. You think you are ready to see what is there - and then in a gut wrenching moment you realize you are not.

 

It has only been a month - and it was a 5 year relationship - so of course parts of it will still sting. And selfishly, you never want them to move on.... you want to believe you are irreplaceable. But i know I am not. And altruistically, the reason we broke up was because we wanted the other person to be happy - so either party moving on is a good thing. But no matter how amicable the separation is, you always want to move on first.

[rikka]

I am tired of being strong, and being positive, and moving on. I am tired of it - because at the end of the day I want to cry. And then that makes me feel weak. And then I miss him (or at least the concept of him). And then I want to call him and tell him that. Or I check his facebook (and get a punch in the ego). Or I cry. And either way I don't feel good. It is easy during the day - work and the kids keep me busy. But when I am alone at night, with my thoughts...... well it isn't easy.

 

I am blaming this on the paxil. I haven't felt the same since i came off it totally. I am still going to give it a few weeks until I get it all out of my system - I was on the stuff for 4 years, my body is bound to be out of whack.

[rikka]

I am not that kind of girl. Random sexual encounters definitely aren't my thing. BUT (there is always a but) there is certainly something cathartic about "seeing" other people - not in a romantic sense. It has been therapeutic. I am certainly not ready to start dating, but it is healing to get out there. It is also a bit of an ego stroke to know that other men (still) find me attractive. I have always been friendly/flirtatious and it is nice to not have to hold back.

 

Part of the reason I held onto the last relationship so long was because I was afraid that it was as good as it was going to get. That starting over would be impossible. And, like most people, I don't always have the highest self opinion. I assumed that since E had been with me so long and had seen the darkest I had to offer - well, how hard would it be to go through that all again. And would someone else even be willing to go there.

 

But I guess I am funny, and smart, and attractive. And people will like me. And starting over isn't as scary as it could be.

[rikka]

Ok, so I am upset today. I found out he is coming back "home" for a holiday in a few weeks. He is still going on OUR holiday. The plan was to come to [my city] and spend a few days here and then head up north to visit his parents. He really has no reason to come to [my city] and I feel as though I "earned it| in the separation (he wanted to stay in Victoria)... it is mine. And it is too fresh. I have realized that as far as i have come, there is still a long way to go.

So he asked if I wanted to get together while he is here. I stayed strong and said no. I don't need that right now. and he took that as my answer. So instead of being happy that he respected my space, I am upset because he didn't fight. That he didn't say "I really wanted to see you" or "maybe just a quick cup of coffee". He just said "ok" and moved on. He is always just moving on.

 

This whole time I have accepted the way things have gone. I have also had this feeling of being easily replaced and not mattering - and today it struck me.... he never fought. He never fought to keep me. He never fought to make thigns work. He never fought. And that makes me feel like he didn't care enough to fight for it. As good of a decision we made for each of us.... it hurts that he didn't feel there was enough of "US" to fight for.

 

I know it isn't his fault, and even if it was - there is nothing I can do about it now. Stupid paxil withdrawl is making me emotionally bonkers. So now all i am doing is crying. And being angry with him. And today I am going to let myself. I can be upset with him today. And tomorrow I will realize it is just one more reason I am better off now.

 

UGH!

[sophie274]

Hi rikka,

 

I'm just out of a fairly long relationship myself (3.5 years), and I wanted to tell you that reading your journal has been very helpful for me. It's nice to have someone else's healing process to read about, and it helps me to know that someone else is going through something similar.

 

That last post really resonated with me - both because, come September, my ex will be living in the town where I go to school, and I really feel like that is MY place and what is he doing there, and because I also felt like he never fought for us. So thank you for sharing.

[rikka]

Hey sophie! Thanks for sharing. The one thing I have really enjoyed about this site is that I can find people who are going through/have gone through similar things. It is nice to know I am not alone. It doesn't make the situation suck any less - but it makes it easier to deal with.

[rikka]

UGH! So I am preparing myself for the beating my ego is going to take over the next week. Right now it feels very "two steps forward/one step back"... which I guess means I am making progress.... it is going to take a lot to keep my head up over the next week or so.

 

My sister is getting married this week. And with all the personal BS involved with that (that would be an entry for another day) there is... well there is dealing with it all over again. It is like people rubbing salt in a wound. The bachelorette party was this weekend, ugh! Well meaning girls asking more questions than I want to answer. And the bitterness builds going "this should have been me" and the pain of sitting here making "the best of it".

 

Later this week, well I get the fun of adding extended family to the mix. Everyone will be asking either a) where's E? b) oh so you're still single? (or single again) c) what are you doing now? My anxiety is high and I am not looking forward to it. It is too much too soon.

 

I feel like I have to keep justifying my choice to everyone. I feel as though I have to apologize for the last 4 years. I feel as though because we weren't married it doesn't hold the same weight - and so I should just get over it. I know the envy/bitterness are the emotions I have to control, I guess I just hope for a bit of courtesy from others. A bit of understanding. A bit of compassion.

 

wish me luck.

[rikka]

Last time we spoke: E was coming to town. Wanted to see me, I said no. He left it.

 

Last night on the phone he informed me that he is going to try and make it to the reception. And that if he can't he really wants to see me. He asked me to go out with some of "our" friends while he is in town. I put my foot down on that one (I didn't like them all very much anyway - very different lifestyles), but I did agree to see him sometime while he is here. I warned him that I would cry. He said that is ok. I have to brace myself in case he does show up at the wedding - it would make me happy, I know that, but it will also hurt.

 

Glutton for punishment, I am. That's ok though, because I really wanted to see him as well.......

[rikka]

Ok, so my three step plan when I moved back was to:

1) get a job (not in retail)

2) get my own place (and stop living in my sister's place)

3) start dating again and move on.

 

Step one has been successfully achieved! (yay me!) I have been offered/accepted and resigned/rejected more jobs in the past 6 weeks than I have in the past 6 years! The job market here is ripe (I feel very guilty saying that, knowing how many people and places are suffering). I can get A job at will - it has been finding THE job that has been tricky. I still haven't found "THE" job, but I have definitly found a job that meets some of my requirements - I work weekdays until 6 (no more evenings or weekends!), I am earning close to what I was earning out in BC (no more scrimping to get by week to week!), there is definitely room to grow and places to climb, and it is not retail! It is a new sector, so I am going to be getting a lot of new skills really quickly. That will be overwhelming, and worse the team I am going to be leading is all new as well - YIKES! I promised my new boss I would turn it around - I hope I can live up to it.

 

In the midst of all of this - I get to have an awesome adventure! My old company is paying me to go to Yellowknife for two weeks to help run a hotel-sale. We are clearing out a bunch of old product from accross Canada. All expense-paid trip to North West Territories? Get paid while I am there? ROCK ON! And when I return, I begin training at my new job (which means I have to live at my parent's house for 3 weeks - ugh!). I am very excited!

[rikka]

Well the NWT project fell through - but that is fine. I have my current position until my training with the bank begins. I knew it was too good to be true.

 

I am sitting here at my desk - BORED TO TEARS! I am too efficient and I have completed my projects for the day. And the nature of my job does not include me finding things to do - I wait until they are given to me. And no one has anything that they need done. It is summer and nothing is in full swing. Half the people in the office are away. So I sit, and answer the odd phone call - and sit some more.

 

This is my first office job. I have never had this much downtime in a job before. The last few have been "go, go, go!". I suppose I shouldn't complain - someone is paying me to surf the internet - but I feel guilty as all heck.

 

/end of random thoughts for the day.

[rikka]

Did you know that attending/preparing for a wedding less than 6 weeks after a long term relationship dissolved is hard? Yeah, it sucks. It makes it worse when it is your sister's wedding, because everyone in the family is eating, breathing, sleeping, talking wedding. I am probably going to cry at the service, not out of sentimentality or joy, but out of sadness and frustration. Everyone is all happy and giddy. My sister is annoyingly mooning about and making IRRITATING comments all beginning or concluding with "The bride says". As it is, I don't normally get the whole over-hype of weddings - but right now it is even worse. And I either want to scream or throw-up. So instead I go take a shower to have my "time out" (I have had a lot of showers over the past few days). I don't want to participate, I don't want to help, I don't want to hear about it. I just want to be alone. I want to avoid it all. I want everyone to leave me alone.

 

And so then I look like the sullky, bitter older sister. I am not - well not usually - it is just much harder than I thought it would be to pretend to be happy. I have been pretending to be happy for 6 weeks now (more if you count the time before we actually parted ways) and some days are easier than others. Right now it is darn near impossible.

 

We all have our moments and need time to heal. The world came crashing down around me, and all my future plans went "poof" and disappeared. And the future I was dreaming of is now getting rammed down my throat and rubbed in my face. I know it isn't but that is how it feels.

 

And worse, there is no one to talk to about it. At all. No one in real life wants to hear about it (because heaven forbid I add a little gloom to such a festive occasion). No one cares to ask about how I am doing. Everyone seems to think this should be so easy. It isn't. I was expecting it to be hard, but it is harder than I thought. And there are still four more days to go... each day will get harder and harder.

[rikka]

As inspired by an idea I read in another thread - I am going to purchase a candle, and every night I am going to light that candle and let it burn. And as the candle burns down I will heal. And hopefully when the candle can no longer be burned I will be ready to move on. Now the question is - what size candle do I get?

 

This is where my current conundrum lies - how long do I need before I am ready to move on? The incidents of the last few weeks have led me to believe I am definitely not ready yet (then I remind myself it has only been 6 weeks). How will I know when I am ready? I want to think in terms of days/weeks/months etc. I need a finite time line. I don't like this up and down feeling. I think the candle exercise will be good for me, stop thinking about it so long as that candle can burn. When it is done, I can reassess the situation. Maybe try and get out there a bit more and think about moving on. Or maybe at that point I will need another candle.

 

In the mean time, I need to focus my energies on me. There were/are things about myself that I am disatisfied with. Now that things have become a bit more stable in my world it is time to start reconnecting. Time to re-establish old friendships. Time to improve me. Time to start a new hobby.

 

One of my old supervisors (way back in the day when I work in food services) she would always tell us: fake it til you make it. And that is what I have to keep doing.

 

(apparently postive bunny is out and about today!)

[rikka]

Well, I made it through the wedding in one piece. And amazingly I had some fun. I managed to hold it together during it all. I danced around some awful questions and just kept butterflying from group to group and situation to situation. I never had a solid sit down discussion with anyone. Most family members were happy to hear that I was back for good, which was usually followed by "and you and E???" which allowed me to answer how I saw fit. Of course there were the few who decided to press the issue - to which I would just excuse myself and move on. I did not drink (yay me!) but I know I was not my normal self - I was a little restless and anxious.... I am going to blame that on.... hmmmm, I don't have a suitable scape goat!

 

E did not show up - and I am more than ok with that. I didn't even compulsively check my phone! I did in the afternoon a few times in case he was going to come, but after 5 - that was it. I was done and I, rightfully, assumed that it was all just talk. I haven't heard from him since he arrived here. And I am also ok with that. I haven't tried to call him either. Last contact I had with him would have been via facebook on Wednesday. That is excellent for me. And once again, I am ok with that.

 

I started the candle last night. Interestingly enough, the flame started off so weak and pathetic, much like how I felt. Perhaps in time it will grow stronger. Let's hope so, it will be an apt metaphor then. It is supposed to be able to burn for 48 hours. At first I was like "48 hours... that is going to take forever!" and then I though, no, that is only 48 days - that will fly by. I think a second candle will be needed. So all thoughts of dating/moving on/meeting someone new - that is all put on hold. I will not even consider it until that candle has burned down.

 

OOOooooOOOo you know what irks me! (Just have to throw in a negative comment in the midst of all of this positivity) I was talking to my sister, the one who just got married, I was appologizing to her for not being totally into the wedding. I assured her that it wasn't because I wasn't happy for her and her husband, it was just that it was all too fresh and all too painful and that I needed to distance myself from it. And her response, after assuring me she understands and it is ok : "But look at the positive, you are still young and beautiful, there is plenty of time to meet someone new!" YEESH! Talk about missing the mark on that one.

 

I guess it is a hard pain for people to understand. Everyone in my family has married their "first love" and no one has had to go through the ordeal and pain of the ending of a long term relationship. They don't quite get that this is more than just a puppy love break up. They are trying, but they are not quite there yet.

[rikka]

My decision to move was the right decision at the time - but I didn't do it the best way. I used the move as a chance for a clean slate, but instead of resolving things when I left - i just "forgot" about them. It was my habit at the time, when things got to be "too much" I would avoid it. I would retreat inside myself and shut out the world. So needless to say - when I moved I dropped contact with many people who were important in my life.

 

Some of it was sheer laziness (but really how hard is it to drop an email?) and then it got to the point where I felt akward and embarassed to try to contact people I hadn't spoken to in months. And then I got depressed and dissatisfied with my life at the time. So I didn't want to talk to anyone - because at that point I was viewing it all as a failure. And so I didn't really want to broadcast my failures to the world.

 

Now, a healthier, happier (most of the time) me has come back. And I have started to try and rebuild these important relationships back up. Throught the magic of facebook (yeesh) I have been able to track down and reconnect with some people from my past. I have been seeing people I haven't seen in over 2 years - and it feels wonderful. I have a social network again, I am actually fighting for some alone time. And it just reminds me of how socially withdrawn I was back in BC. And I know that I did it to myself. I can recognize that. I know I tend to sabatoge myself and that in the end it really only impacts me. So now I have to push the envelope. I have to take that extra effort or else I will lose it all again.

 

My therapist would be so proud!

[rikka]

Today on face book. Message from E : "arriving in **** today 4 - 4:30 anyone want to come pick me up?" I ignored it (though I could logically pick him up). A litttle while later: "anyone? anyone at all?". Still ignoring it. I am not going to go pick him up just to drive him to his buddy's. Forget that nonsense. I play chauffeur for 5 years, no more.

 

PS It has been one week since I last "talked" to him and that was via texting. For that I am happy.