Walking away and moving forward....

[rikka]

I found the below quote in a thread earlier today (and then I spent a while trying to find it again). I like it, and I want to have it forever. So I am going to put it here, so I can easily find it. (thank you to ayo_X for posting this)

 

"If you go, I'll forget you. When you're gone, I won't miss you. If you run away from me, I'm not running after you. And if you turn away from this don't look back because I'll be gone".

 

That is pretty much where I want to be. Maybe not completely forget you, but forget you enough so it doesn't sting. And the me that you let go, is not the me that I am today, and she certainly is not the me I am going to be.

 

I have been reading some empowering threads. I know misery loves company, but the more I wallow (though ti feels good at the time) the deeper into it I will get stuck. I cannot change what has happened. I cannot undo the past. I cannot "fix" what broke. So I have to do like my title says, I have to walk away and move forward. And to do that, I need to hold my head up high. I have to empower myself (unleash my inner goddess and what have you

[rikka]

So, I will admit, my job is boring. So I do a lot of nothing other than message boards, email and facebook. And as the ever going saga of my break-up continues. I have hit one more blip that I am blowing way out of proportion. And I am working myself into a tizzy for nothing. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I letting it get to me.... I suppose because deep down inside I do still care about the guy. And despite everything he is a good person and I don't want to see bad things happen to him. But I am not ready to let all of that come to the surface. And I hesitate to call him right now (like he asked) because I am not ready for that.

 

I don't want to see him doing well. I want to see the wreck of the person that was left behind. I want to see on his outside what I feel on my inside. But I am not going to see that. Even if he feels that on the inside, it will never show on the outside. And I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it will be all too aparent that i am still struggling with it all. I want to know that he is still hurting too.

 

Gosh durn it, I really need a hobby or something better to do at work.

[rikka]

UGH. So he called last night and asked if he could stop by and drop off my stuff (no one picked him up from the depot either, he was stuck wandering downtown for about 5 hours - I only felt sort of guilty). I said sure (would rather it be on my territory). 3 hours later (true to E form) he texts - his ride fell through and he won't be able to make it tonight. Me - ok. Him - what about tomorrow? Me - work until 9:30. Phone call - summary of phone call. He is going to stop by work (he knows the girl I am working with rather well). Ok, great. And what are you doing on Saturday? ..... nothing really.... want to grab a coffee or something, I really want to see you..... ok.

 

So now I am forced to deal with it all, one more time. I am not mad at him - just upset with the situation. I am upset with things, but they are all from way in the past and I can't hold him accountable for them now. It will solve nothing. It will only make me feel worse. I have been using the anger and the upset to fuel some of the healing. It has certainly helped me get past the ending of it. It is harsh to say it, but I would have rathered he was a jerk, I would have rather it ended on a bad note. I would have rather let it all blow up in the end. Because then at least I would have some reason to be angry. I would have some reason to be upset with him (and he know it). But we parted amicably. We left it on a bittersweet note. According to him "we did the best we could with what we had" - do I totally believe that? No, but had he followed, he would have ended up resenting me. So I guess we did do the best we could. I think what bothers me is that it just seemed to fade away - and that is what I am hung up on. There was no glorious ending. No fireworks or drama. Just me getting into the cab and driving off into the sunrise.

 

There is no second chance, and I have spent the last 6 weeks convincing myself that is a good thing, so this should be easy right? It should be. We are meeting as friends, which is what we wanted (at least in theory) - so why am I thinking this is going to be such a big deal? Because I have spent the last 6 weeks making him into "the bad guy" to make myself feel better. And now tonight, I am going to be face to face with the man I loved and still do love. And he isn't going to be that bad guy. And I am going to crumble. And I don't want to do that. I want to look fabulous and be fabulous. I don't want him to regret his choice - well ok, maybe just a little.

 

This is where it has to stop. I have to stop thinking that he chose something else over me. I have to stop feeling that it was a rejection. I accuse him of being pragmatic - but he was just being logical. We both had a very big decision to make, and we both had very different desires for where our lives were going to go. We both had different priorities. In order to not be miserable for the next 5, 10, 15 years - we had to go our own ways. It is not his fault. It never was his fault. And I lost sight of that in the sadness. See, I don't regret my decision, not in the least. And I don't begrudge him his. It was a necessary break when I reflect back on it - square peg and a round hole. I suppose had I really wanted to, we could have made it work - but the end result was always going to be the same. We both had different views for our lived.

 

And so I truly wish him well in finding a partner who will be everything he needs her to be. I am sure he wishes the same for me. And this is why deep down inside I believe we will be able to be friends. Because I have always wanted what is best for him - which is why I was willing to sacrifice so much of me for it. That was my choice, he never asked me to do that. But I did it because I wanted to do things for him. This time, he forced me to do something for me. He showed me how to put myself first. Really I should thank him and not blame him. I think I just needed someone to blame to help me get past it. It is how I work.

 

And so tonight, I am not going to meet my ex, I am going to catch up with a good friend. Maybe I can start putting this all behind me. But then what would I journal about?

[rikka]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. So what about three, four, five times??? Empty words and broken promises, the story of our relationship. And this time I get to actually be upset with you. I will be upset with myself as well for being so foolish. For getting my hopes up - stupidly.

 

I am coming to the wedding - no text, no show

I am coming by tonight - no show, phone call three hours later

I am coming by tonight - no text,no show.

I will see you tomorrow - who knows if he will.

 

After talking to him tonight, I am pretty sure he knows I am peeved. And he is out getting drunk. The fact that he is out with friends doesn't really matter to me. The fact that he didn't have the courtesy to call/text letting me know that he wasn't going to make it... that annoys me. The fact that once again he doesn't hold up to his word, that more than irritates me. He doesn't owe me anything, whether or not he came tonight didn't really matter. I do expect a little bit of courtesy. Then again, this isn't unlike him, it was just one of those things I tolerated when we were together.

 

I am mad at myself for being so upset by this. I am sad that I let this affect me so much. I am sad that he still has so much power over me, especially when I thought I had reclaimed it back. Tonight sucked.

[rikka]

So I met him. It was easier and more natural than I expected. I only teared up once (when I saw him and hugged him). We caught up. We talked about what has really been going on with each other. We talked about friends. It was nice. And I have confirmed for myself that he has not "replaced me" and that he still misses me (like I do for him) and I have some closure. Closure that I didn't have a few days ago. I am at peace. I am okay. And I can move on now.

 

So really, now what am I going to write about? I am closing this chapter of my life. We will be in touch - and I am okay with that. I am happy for myself, and I am happy for him. And now I can truly be happy because I have laid some internal demons to rest.

 

Goodbye my love it has truly been wonderful.

[rikka]

So my friend calls today, asking how dinner with E went. (She, like everyone else, was all concerned how it was going to affect me - bless them all). So she fills me in on something that makes me feel even better.

 

Before he came to pick me up, he swung by the store to visit her. Makes small talk, congratulates her on her engagement, yaddi yaddi yadda. Then he asks "How is rikka doing? I know she is going to tell me she is fine whether she is or not, so how is she really doing?". "She's fine." she answers. "FINE fine, or just fine?" he asks. "She is doing okay. She is happy now, she made the right choice" she answered. "Just wanted to check."

 

He misses me, he still cares about me. And darling him is still trying to look out for me. He was hurt last night when he found out I hadn't told him about a medical concern. I was like, it wasn't serious and didn't really matter. he didn't like being out of the loop. And now that I have seen that first hand, and have realized that he doesn't want to erase me from his life.... it will be easier to stay connected. It is easier to be happy. It is easier to let myself be happy and to not try and hate him.

 

And I am proud of myself. I didn't ask him once to change his mind and move here. And I didn't cry. I think when I get back from my training sessions, I will start getting myself out there.

[rikka]

Going to stroke my own ego for a moment or two. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and we were discussing the finer points of life. And well (as all deep discussions go) we began to dwell on where we both are in our lives and how we don't know how we ended up at such spots, because it certainly wasn't where we were headed. We are both at very different points in our lives and it resulted in him saying that he envies my position. Hmm, you envy the fact that I am newly single, living in my sister's basement and about to launch into a career that I have no training for and I am about to get in over my head? I assume the grass is just greener (married, stuck in a dead end job etc). Nope, and he then explained why.

 

(begin paraphrasing) I am embarking on an adventure, so many people wish they could wipe the slate and start fresh. And I get to do that. I have no obligations or committments, so I can do as I want to. I have "upgraded" jobs 4 times in the last 6 weeks, and that just means I am looking for the right fit - a luxury not many people have. I have options, choices and potential, and only I can hold myself back right now. Figuratively speaking, the sky is the limit - and I seem to be shooting for it. (end paraphrasing)

 

And he is right, I guess it is a half empty/half full situation. I have been choosing to see the negative points of it all, and I forget the positive elements. And it is right, I have a fresh start (and I love it), I am not trying to make something work and forcing myself to be happy with what I have - I get to start something that is happy.

 

Let the adventure begin. (By the bye, I have decided to start getting myself out there when i return from training)

[rikka]

I just joined a dance class. All by myself. I am so excited. It is this beginner latin class for ladies (so really, it is more of an aerobic type class than a dance class). The same studio then offers other classes in latin dance which I plan on taking after I get my feet wet. I decided to go with the women's only class for my first attempt, a little less intimidating. I am so excited by this, which when you think about it is a little sad that a dance class can make a person giddy with glee. Then again, it is doing what i wanted to do. I am getting out, trying new things, and making myself feel better. A chance to socialize with new people as well as have some "me" time. YAY!

[rikka]

Well, I suppose in the grand scheme of things, I am newly single. But single none the less. And being single can be scary (and I am so afraid of becoming desperate). Since I know what I want (marriage, children, white picket fence etc), I want to make that happen - yesterday. Ok, so I can't go back in time, but I do hate this odd little holding pattern I am in.

 

Since I met with E last week(wow it was really only a week?) I have gained so much more comfort in it all. I haven't cried since I said good bye to him. I have talked to him twice since he left, and neither time did I end in tears. I had my closure, and that feels SO good. So now I feel ready to move on, or at least move forward. But that makes me scared.

 

See, I was in a relationship for the last five years. And in that relationship I was loved for (and in spite of) my flaws. It was comfortable, it was safe. Now I have to put myself out there again. And that is scary. All the bad things I can (and sometimes DO) think about myself are rearing their ugly heads. So yes, I am nervous about it. But I just have to frame it the way I have framed all of this - it is a new adventure.

 

but it is scary out there......

[rikka]

Ok, so I am comfortable with the break-up now. I am satisfied how things ended (now) and I am moving on. Yay. In order to extract myself from a tricky situation (and to see what else is out there) I joined a dating site. EEEPS. Partially out of boredom and partially out of a desire to see what and who is out there.

 

So I did it. I didn't put a lot of thought into it. I didn't make it a "serious" profile. And there it was - for allof cyber space to see. And then I was quickly reminded WHY I got annoyed with it last time. First two messages I receive, within a few minutes of posting, were awful. One was from someone telling me he was leaving town on Monday, but there was still "plenty of time for fun" before he left.... next please. The other gentleman wanted to chat. Great, not a problem. Well it soon becomes a problem when you don't actually respond. One and two word answers are not stimulating and quickly lead to me no longer talking to you. I can only try so long to engage you in a conversation before I get frustrated and realize I am wasting mytime. Yeesh.

 

On the plus side. Since then I have been messaged by some "normal" people since then. And I have adopted a new philosophy this time around: "This is me. Take me as I am. I am not going to pretend to be someone I am not just so you will "like me". I am me - and that is all I can be." Much healthier attitude.

[rikka]

It has been awhile, I have been busy. My new job consumes a lot of my energy - that is a good thing. I am enjoying it a lot, and I can see a new future plan. I am excited to see where I am headed, and it is nice to see what lies ahead. It feels good.

 

Ah, the relationship front. Well, I am doing well. I miss him still, at least just a little bit. There is so much going on and the weeks fly by that I don't have much time to dwell on it. That is good. We talk on the phone rather frequently. It is nice. It is nice to talk to him (and not cry when I am done). In fact, the tables have turned. When we were talking the other night he told me he was feeling sappy, that he missed me. It hurt a little and I teared up, and I told him that he knows where I am.

 

I have found a new annoyance. I have been able to talk about this whole thing to people. Everyone asks why I came back and so I have to give an answer. Ok, I don't have to give an answer, but I am ready to do so. The thing is, people try to be well meaning - I guess. And they assume they understand. And the worst thing people say is "if it was meant to be, nothing would have made a difference. Family, work, whatever... nothing would matter. If you really loved each other it would have worked out". I beg to differ. I believe there are certain limits to compromise. And I think my doctor would have agreed as well. Sometimes love isn't enough. I guess it goes to show that we all make our life decisions as we see fit.

[rikka]

Will he remember that my birthday is on Monday? More importantly I guess is why do I care if he does or doesn't. But I do care. There are certain things I can move past, but the fact is we spent close to five years together - and it has only been a few months apart (3 to be exact). I would like to think I have come along way in these months, but there is still places for me to go.

 

So, I ask the infamous question that most ask post-breakup.... will he acknowledge my birthday? Does he even remember that it IS my birthday? And yes, I do care. I am not that strong yet. I have not gotten THERE yet. Next year.

 

I know I am going to send him a card or something on his birthday. I am sincere in the effort to be friends. I have moved past a lot of the hurt and pride, I want to be his friend because he was a great person and an incredible influence on my life. He helped me to grow. More importantly our relationship helped me to figure out what I wanted out of my life.

 

You know what scares me, moderately off topic, is that right now, if he were to walk through my door and say "I am moving back to Saskatchewan, and I want you back" I would consider saying yes. Mainly because I have already moved past the revelations of the first half of my journal. And that makes me sad. So I guess by writing this, I am actively reminding myself that this was not the best relationship for me. Now of course, the chances of that happening are slim to none - but the thought hovers in the back of my mind. I miss him. But it is him I miss and not the relationship. Now that is a shift in thoughts.

 

I guess I am still moving forward.

[gsxr104]

I commend you on all the thought you've put into all of this. It seems like to me from reading [and you wrote a lot] that you have your prioities in order. All you have to do is let it all happen. Everything will be fine. You seem like the type of person that over worries about things. Don't worry, be happy.

[sophie274]

You seem to be doing so well rikka. I'm very envious of your progress and hope I can emulate you: I have definitely not done as well in the aftermath of my break-up.

 

Keep trucking! It was my birthday on Wednesday and I was having similar thoughts to yours. I know you'll make it through. And happy birthday!

[rikka]

I commend you on all the thought you've put into all of this. It seems like to me from reading [and you wrote a lot] that you have your prioities in order. All you have to do is let it all happen. Everything will be fine. You seem like the type of person that over worries about things. Don't worry, be happy.

 

You are right, I do over analyze and worry over minute things. It is a flaw of mine and slowly and surely I will get past it. Thank you for the kind thoughts and kind words. I appreciate it. You are right, I have nothing to worry about.

 

You seem to be doing so well rikka. I'm very envious of your progress and hope I can emulate you: I have definitely not done as well in the aftermath of my break-up.

 

Keep trucking! It was my birthday on Wednesday and I was having similar thoughts to yours. I know you'll make it through. And happy birthday!

 

Happy belated birthday sophie! Thanks for the well wishes.

[rikka]

He remembered. He called today. He has to work tomorrow and remembered that Mondays are busy for me. And I figured out my emotional attachment to the issue: I am okay with being gone, but I don't want to be forgotten. It ties into that whole feeling of "being erased" and after we had our "reunion show" I was comforted to know that he still cares about me, but in a different way. Today reaffirms that he still cares enough about me, that I haven't been forgotten. And that is fine by me. I don't want to be the centre of his world, but I would like to occupy a tiny sliver of his life.

 

Greedy little me

 

On another note. I was cleaning my living space. And I stumbled accross the ring. He gave it to me early-ish in the relationship. A cliched valentines gift. One of his most cliched romantic moments. It is a beautiful ring. I love it a lot (sentimental reasons aside). I stopped wearing it because the only finger it fits properly is my left hand ring finger. I proudly wore it there when we were together. I took it off the day my therapist commented on it. I tried to justify still wearing it - yadi yadi yadi. Anyway, once I moved here I took it off, essentially for good. But I still like the ring, it is a very pretty piece of jewelry. Rambly story over - I thought I lost it, and that sort of hurt. I found it again last night, and I put it on for a little while. It felt nice, like an old friend. I need to buy a new one to replace it. I need to buy myself something to wear that I bought. I can attach some significance to it I suppose. Now that I know it isn't lost for good I feel better. I can put it aside and just think of it fondly. It has many good memories attached.

 

Wow, I think that made very little sense. I think I am tired and should head off to bed. SHOULD being the operative word. I am sure I will foolishly piddle around the interwebs for awhile.

[rikka]

I miss you.

 

 

(that's it, that's all)

[rikka]

UGH! So the sappiness/nostalgia was building big time the past few weeks. And so I caved - I gave him a reason to call me. And he did. And it felt nice, we talked for about two hours. I miss him as him right now. Not the relationship (though I still miss the idea of our relationship), but him as a person. We caught up, some people are still putting two and two together - so he is forced to explain the situation. Of course our conversations led to me missing everyone and everything from back there. It kind of filled the niche. Only kind of.

 

Three part post today, I have been mentally writing these paragraphs for the last few days. Might as well put them down. See I have a 20 minute highway commute every morning. Not a big deal, but it does give one a lot of time to think, reflect, and analyze.

 

Do you want to know the sick and twisted way I convinced myself to not cave earlier... I just imagined he was with another woman. And so I imagined how I would feel as that woman to have him texting his ex. So then I would stop. It stopped me from feeling bad. How backwards is that? I remind myself that I have no claim over him or his time. He owes me nothing. So I have to move past it and put those twitchy feelings aside.

 

Moving on. I have mused a lot recently about dating. How I would like to do it. Unfortunately I want to just walk into a ready made relationship. How unhealthy is that? I have filled my time up substantially, to the point where I wouldn't have time to really date someone. I want to be with someone, largely because I miss the comfort and stability of my last relationship. It was easy. It was safe. Ok, looking back on it I will admit there were issues. But I do miss having someone to come home to. Having someone to spend my evenings with in that comfortable way (not having to get all dressed up and put on the high spirits). Perhaps that was one of the problems with us. We did hit comfort level, not that we stopped caring, but we didn't have to go that extra step. Maybe we were too comfortable and took things for granted. Still, I just lack the energy to date right now. I am still getting things sorted out for myself. I don't have the desire to put all that effort into it just yet. I guess that is my sign that I am not ready to do it.

[rikka]

This little bird is finally flying the nest. The safe and secure world I have been recovering in for the past 5 months is going to no longer be here. I have found my own place (YAY!) and I move out next week. I am excited, thoroughly, but there will certainly be some rough patches. More time to spend contemplating things, less time to spend with my little guys, more alone time (that will be good and bad)... balancing the budget (yikes!)

 

On the whole things have continued to be positive. I am headed in to my "family" doctor/gp for (hopefully) a referral to a mental health professional. I am doing OK, but I would like a bit of a safety net. The anxiety is getting bad, predominantly situational - but anxiety none the less. I know I am holding i together well enough, but I also don't want to test my limits. And just rereading that last sentence underlines why I should be talking to someone. If I am acknowledging that the potential is there - it is probably there. Best to nip it in the bud before things get bad.

 

What was my checklist?

- new job... check

-own place... check

- get back into the "dating game".... I guess that is up next. Let's just wait until the new year. I don't want to play that game just right now.

[rikka]

So almost all of my worldly possessions are still in boxes from when I moved accross country. BUT some how over the past 5 months I managed to amass a lot of stuff. Where it all came from, I have no clue! Even though I am only moving accross the city (and it is a small city) it is still hard. I have known a lot of comfort and security here. I have spent so much time with my niece and nephew. I am going to miss them. I am going to miss my morning wake-ups, the evening snuggles, even the annoying children's programming.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am excited. My new space is amazing (and very reasonably priced). I am literally one block from work. (work's address 3232 A st, I live at 3232 B st). I can walk to work - save on gas! I have a large living space, tons of closet space. And it is ALL MINE!!!!! That is it! I am not moving until I am in a substantial longterm relationship. I am tired of moving. I am tired of packing and unpacking. I am tired of all of that.

 

I have gotten a referral to a psychiatrist. I am proud of myself for recognizing the need for it. The anxiety is bad right now - I am not sleeping at nights. I know that a lot of it is situational. The new job, the move, the holidays, the tight budget.... It all adds up. I don't want to start taking the sleeping pills just yet. I am also getting "sensitive" or emotional. I think that is directly tied into the anxiety. I am trying to use my newly found coping skills. But they don't always work. Chin up. This too shall pass.

[rikka]

So I have my new place (yay!) and almost everything is unpacked (double yay!). In the unpacking I found things, and some of those things made me feel sad. I think it is the holidays coming on that make me feel more melancholy. And then I find framed pictures of us smiling and being all happy, and then I miss him. Momentary lapse that is all this is. In a few days I will have moved past this and life will be excellent again.

[rikka]

So my sister and I were talking the other day, and she asked if E and I were still together. So I asked her to clarify (since the answer in my head is clearly no). She said that we talk all the time, I talk about him.... And she is right we do and I do. But I know partly why that is true. I don't want it all to be forgotten. I don't want him, and our relationship, to be erased. I don't want people to treat it like it never existed. It did. It existed, it happened. I have the battle scars to prove it. But of course that leads the analytical portion of me to think deep on all of this.

 

Why do I stay in touch. We still talk regularly. Not as frequently as before, but I would say once or twice a week we touch base, either with a text series or a call or email. It is nothing overly meaningful. And occasionally it will awkwardly end with one of us saying that we miss the other. Of course I am genuinely interested in him and what is going on in his life. And he is my one connection to my life and people I knew back in BC. BUT if I am to be truly honest, I have some ulterior motives:

1) I am not good at keeping in touch with people. As I move on in my life, I tend to lose touch - even with the best intentions. I flit in and out of people's lives with out meaning to. So I guess I want to prove to myself that I can do it.

2)I do not want him to forget me. When I text and he answers, I am still apart of his life. I don't hold a claim on him, nor do I want to, at least not like that. I don't desire to reconcile. I just don't want to fade away. Yes, I am selfish. I am at the point where if he told me he was seeing someone new I would be okay with it. Of course that is in theory, when the reality hits it may be a different story. In theory I want to be the one who "wins" the break-up. I still want to move on first.

 

And so as time goes on I will try to stay in touch. I will send holiday cards, birthday calls, emails of tidbits that he would find amusing... BUT I also have to find some inner strength. I have to be ready for the day when he may not return my text/call.

 

On a side note/tangent, we have spent a significant amount of time together. He knows me better than many people do. He has helped me to grow and discover who I am today. He will always be a part of my life. Now that we are no longer lovers, we are now just friends. Comfortingly I know that there is no "second chance". I can accept that (gladly). So we will be those exes. Whomever comes into my life in the future will have to accept that relationship. It will be no threat to him, in the least. I would not be leaving theoretical him for E (and if I am tempted there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship). I will make the assumption that it would be similar for E. When we were together there were still ex-girlfriends around as friends. I had no issue with it (accept for one of them, but she was another story) and he couldn't have been with someone who would make him sacrifice those friendships. I don't have large issues with jealousy and trust. And I could not be in a relationship with someone who is jealous, insecure and untrusting. Those are just not traits I find appealing. Of course this is all theoretical speculation. BUT as my amazing therapist told me - it is easier to find exactly what you want when you go in with a clear picture. The more I am clear on what I want, what I will tolerate/compromise, and what I will not put up with, the more likely I am to get what I desire.

 

And that is the end of that.

[rikka]

You know what is surreal? Finding good-bye cards from two years ago. As I am unpacking all my stuff - I am a procrastinator - I have come accross cards/tokens from my "going away" parties etc. It is weird to read them now. Don't really know why, but it is weird. I started tearing up when I read the one from my sister, I guess there was a lot of emotion surrounding that time.

 

UGH, thinking back to Christmas two years ago when I was getting ready to leave. It seems so long ago, but it was really rather recent. It felt like so much longer. That was a stressful Christmas. Well, look how far I have come. I still have no regrets, I am a sum of all my experiences - good and bad.

 

Merry Christmas!

[rikka]

So, I survived the holidays. And it wasn't too bad. He called me on Christmas. I texted him on my new years (and then he sent me a "kiss" at the stroke of 12 his time). Healing is done. I am okay with everything. I am okay with the way things are. I miss him periodically, but that is normal I think. It has been 6 months since we said "good-bye" and has been about 8 months since we decided "the end". I think I am in a good place, and it really is time to move forward. Yay me!

 

2009 was a BAD year for myself and my family. It is rather nice to shake it's dust of my feet. What do I want for ME in 2010?

1) better financial security. Finish paying out debts, get ahead, make better decisions

2) stepping forward in my career path - getting lined up and ready to take that next course so that in 2011 I will be ready for a career move.

3) getting out there and meeting new people - dating again

4) self improvements - both physical and emotional

 

Oh my, I am not looking for too much am I?

[rikka]

Oh dear, I think I am doing something stupid. Very stupid. And all for the sake of my ego.