Boyfriend's ex is getting to be a bit much.

[paintedfish]

And frankly, I've decided to not stand for it anymore.

 

 

While we were in Miami visiting family, she finds out he was down there at the same time as her. HOW did she find out? She routinely checks his bank statements online, and he withdrew from an ATM down there. Not an hour later she calls all angry. He answers. After they yell for a bit, I get this message:

 

"I feel really bad. I have to tell you sister to sister, BF and I have slept together more than once since you guys have been together. Im so sorry. I feel like s**t."

 

To which, I respond, "Why do you still have my number?"

 

She says " I don't, it was on his old phone records."

 

 

WHAT? She thinks I'll believe a word she says?? I'm trying so hard to not question him, because I do trust him.

 

If that isn't enough reason to kick her out of our lives, I don't know what is. She lies, she has no respect for me, I don't think her incapable of anything at this point. She calls him and tells him she'll buy him guitars and marry him if he dumps me, she was highly abusive to him when they were together, constantly lied, told him she cheated on him, and then took it back countless times... etc.

 

I've told him how uncomfortable I am with them being "friends" and that I want her gone for good... because she brings nothing but trouble. I've tried saying that it would be for HER own good if he stopped talking to her, so she could get over him, etc. Tried every approach.

 

Last night was simply too much. She was texting him, and sent him (at his request) pictures of her "new haircut." Gag. I told him once again that I don't like him talking to her... and he apologized. To which I said "How? HOW are you sorry? You know how I feel about it, you don't regret doing it, and will undoubtly continue... so I fail to see how you're sorry." Shortly after, I left, and came back to my apartment, didn't sleep all night, and now I'm here, in a stupor, trying to keep myself from thinking I'M in the wrong here.

 

 

 

 

Am I? What do I do???

[pumpkinmoon]

Are you completely sure that what she is saying is lies? It seems odd to me that she causes so much trouble yet he is still prepared to talk to her and even asks her to send him pictures. I certainly wouldn't stand for this.

[Scorpion Fury]

sorry, but his "friendship" with her is beyond inappropriate. I couldn't handle being with someone with such a blatant disregard for my feelings. She clearly still has feelings for him and it's causing problems in your relationship. If he loves you, he shouldn't have a problem cutting her out of his life. She's toxic. And looking at his bank statements and phone bill? why the hell doesn't he change his passwords.

 

If I didn't decide to just up and leave, I'd at least give an ultimatum in this case. Cut her off or it's over. I don't think that's an unreasonable request.

[Lamour detruit]

You have done nothing wrong. You are his girl now, and from what is going on it is clear this kind of business needs to stop. Talk to him about it, since he needs to lay off on talking to his ex and cease having contact because of this behavior,if he doesn't I reckon you should not put up with it any more. If it was a normal ex that has done nothing wrong and keeps her distance then it would be fine, but this one is clearly not the case.

[paintedfish]

He says he feels bad, she has no friends, she's like family to him, etc.

 

I would say 99.99999% sure it's a lie. I will probably tell him today how insecure it's made me though... he just said "Thank you for not believing her," rather than reassuring me it wasn't true.

[IMAbadman]

Are you completely sure that what she is saying is lies? It seems odd to me that she causes so much trouble yet he is still prepared to talk to her and even asks her to send him pictures. I certainly wouldn't stand for this.

 

Yeah I totally agree. If he had any respect for you he toss her to the side.

[Scorpion Fury]

He says he feels bad, she has no friends, she's like family to him, etc.

 

I would say 99.99999% sure it's a lie. I will probably tell him today how insecure it's made me though... he just said "Thank you for not believing her," rather than reassuring me it wasn't true.

 

gee i wonder why. who wouldn't want to be friends with this psycho?

 

don't put up with this.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Girl, hop off the crazy train and let them ride it off a cliff. That is too much drama. You are not in the wrong.

 

How long have they been separated and how long have you two been together?

 

She is psychotic and he is either too dumb or doesn't care about you enough to stop the madness.

 

I wish you the best!

[paintedfish]

Hahaha. Yeah, that's what I THINK when he talks about her... even her parents told him "Good luck" when he started dating her.

 

 

Even his parents say she's out of control (she's been sending them messages like "I love you and I miss you ) and that he needs to change his passwords. He says he knows, and she's really bothering him... but he just doesn't do anything.

 

This hurts because OTHER than this crazy, our relationship is perfect. Flawless. He treats me like a queen, and we are so in tune with each other. Which is why I was so completely surprised last night when I realized how little he must respect me to pull this BS.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

My bf did this to me, and trust me- if I had a bit more self confidence I would have left and should have left.

 

He was great to me, but he kept talking to her, going to her house, he had pictures of her on his camera... bleh.

 

Don't settle. You can find someone to treat you right. You, and only you. You're not the backup second string girlfriend.

[Scorpion Fury]

My bf did this to me, and trust me- if I had a bit more self confidence I would have left and should have left.

 

He was great to me, but he kept talking to her, going to her house, he had pictures of her on his camera... bleh.

Don't settle. You can find someone to treat you right. You, and only you. You're not the backup second string girlfriend.

 

Heed your own advice.

[paintedfish]

Ah, that's the tricky part, that makes this mostly my fault. She thinks I broke them up, basically. Before dating him, I was in a situation where I basically working for him. We became friends quickly, and there were the usual sparks and all that. But I knew he had a girlfriend, and he was honorable about it and was genuinely trying to sugarcoat things and figure out how to fix things with her. I was giving him advice, but the more he told me about her the more shocked I was when the truth came out, about how abusive she was, etc.

 

 

So I helped him get out of that relationship. Shortly after, once he had his head on straight (it seemed?) we began dating, after being friends for a bit.

 

Which is why I know she has no respect for our relationship. She believes I'm just a rebound, or someone he's using to teach her a lesson for cheating on him.

 

I feel like I'm going to be sick. I don't want to leave him. I know he's home from work now, and he hasn't called yet.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Heed your own advice.

 

Shhhh!!! lol

 

My bf doesn't do this anymore with the ex, but like I said, I should have left. And it was never as bad as your situation.

[Scorpion Fury]

She believes I'm just a rebound, or someone he's using to teach her a lesson for cheating on him.

 

 

are you?

 

....................

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Well, maybe don't jump ship yet. Set some ground rules. Make them crystal clear. Obviously they cannot be friends without psychotic drama, so demand he focus on you and his other friends- cutting her out for good.

 

If he doesn't do that, then you're being played or used. If he does do that, then you can build a strong relationship from there.

[paintedfish]

I don't think I am... I don't know anymore. It seems like he wouldn't have done anything he's done, gone to all the trouble he has to show he cares, etc, if I meant nothing. I just think maybe where she's concerned he lacks the spine to tell her no.

 

 

Thank you, everyone... it means a lot. I'm gonna head over to his place and lay down the law, I suppose.

[Scorpion Fury]

yes, you need to lay down the law.

[lavenderdove]

She is not the problem, he is. This is absolutely no problem if he is clear with her that it is over and he is never coming back, and if he changes his passwords and quits taking her calls and staying in contact with her. So it makes no sense at all that he's allowing her access to his bank records etc. when she is an ex. I think there are lies being told here about what is going on, probably by him, not the ex.

 

But where there is smoke there is fire. Many cheaters use the 'she's crazy' excuse when they talk about their ex or why someone would say they are still sleeping together. And why would he keep being friends with her for even one second if she is truly lying about them being together and trying to make trouble with you? That would be grounds to drop her friendship like a hot rock and never look back.

 

I think there is more going on here than he lets on. Perhaps just like he complained to you about her when they were dating, he is now complaining about you to her... i.e., perhaps he is someone who isn't just happy with one woman and needs more than one woman admiring him and on tap to meet his needs. He may be pretending to you to discourage her, but in reality behind your back is encouraging her.

 

I'd tell him that he needs to totally break it off with her, or you'll walk. If he won't break it off with her, then she means more to him than you do, or perhaps neither of you means that much to him and he's enjoying playing the game.

[paintedfish]

So an update... I told him how I felt, and since I hadn't slept in around 35 hours by the time I talked to him, I got emotional.

 

He's really sick, with the flu or something, and work has been causing a lot of problems, and he started using that as an excuse for not dealing with this. He said he felt lame, and like no one's happy with him, etc, and he just doesn't want to deal with her and this mess at the moment... and I kind of went off.

 

I told him that with all that's going on in my life, does he even think for a second I'm not stressed, that I don't feel lame and pathetic and tired, and that me worrying about his fidelity and respect for me is the LAST thing I need, not to mention horrible text messages that I don't know if I even believe or not. I said "I want her gone. I'm incredibly hurt that she isn't already, and the fact that you are asking her to send pictures of herself after she SLEPT WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND, and then had the nerve to even contact me, should tell you something. I want her out of my life, and out of our life."

 

 

His solution?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

wait for it...

 

 

 

"Okay, I'm so sorry its hurting you. I just won't tell you when she contacts me."

 

 

My jaw dropped. I told him that's also unacceptable since I've made it clear how I feel about her and him talking. I didn't get much of a response.

 

 

I still haven't slept. It's been... 2 days? 3 days now? I want this resolved and he's resisting it. The kicker is that I mentioned my ex wanting to have lunch because he hasn't seen me in months, and the bf got all insecure, and then worked on accepting it... but I saw it upset him so I didn't do it. I value him more than a friendship with my ex. That's how it should be, right? Ugh.

[lavenderdove]

I think her continued presence in his life is a sign that HE is not ready to let go of her yet... Perhaps he is not sure which of you he wants yet, so he doesn't want a break from either of you.

 

You can't control what he does, but you can make it very clear what you will and won't accept. I'd make it very clear to him that by keeping her around, he is making it very clear that she is still a priority to him when she shouldn't be. And if he really doesn't intend to get back with her, then befriending her is NOT the kind thing to do because it leads her on. It is kinder to tell her point blank he is not going back, and they can't be friends or have contact anymore because it only encourages her. That is the reasonable and kind approach for him to take with her, and he should take it if he genuinely is over her.

 

If he can't agree to that, then i think that he isn't over her and there is always the risk he'll go back to her. So you might tell him he has a couple weeks to think about it, but if he can't terminate that friendship, then obviously that friendship means more to him than your relationship does. You can't control him, but you can decide what you'll put up with, and leave if he won't respect your feelings or the relationship.

[paintedfish]

Thank you.

 

 

He said he has told her we love eachother, we're serious and not breaking up, etc. I told him the right thing to do for HER was to stop talking to her, because exactly what you said. Months ago, weeks ago, days ago, etc. I tell him that every time he asks what he should do about her.

 

I'll give him the ultimatum when he gets back from work tonight...

As for now, I think I'm just going to relax.

[Ms Darcy]

This advice is really spot on. Two months into dating my bf, he was talking to an ex-fling. He was open about it and told me. I thought it was inappropriate and explained why in the fashion shown above. It was hard and it was a risk. It was an ultimatum where I had to walk away if he didn't stop talking to her.

 

All I would say is that when you talk to him, don't say what you need and leave it. Hold him accountable. If he does not respect your relationship, don't yell and complain; just walk away.

[paintedfish]

I figured I would just go ahead and post this here, rather than starting a new thread of an ongoing issue.

 

 

He's seeing her again tonight, and he said he's going to hang out with her one more time after that because she's moving accross the state soon for graduate school. We had some drama the last time he saw her. I almost literally begged him to not go. When he gets there she started crying and bringing up old memories. He came back very "confused" and I tried to help him dissect his feelings. He said he was proud because he almost cracked and started crying because of the memories she was bringing up. I told him "if there were no feelings left she wouldn't have been able to make you crack." He agreed. He confessed that he missed her and was scared to say goodbye, more or less.

 

I just don't understand. I really don't. She lied about what happened with his best friend/roommate and her. She said she was drunk and he forced himself on her at night, and then again in the morning. I said "that doesn't sound like at ALL," and you don't really get forced into going down on someone, which happened as well. My boyfriend talked to his roommate, who's very straightforward, and he told him no... that she was all over him in the morning and talking dirty and asked if he wanted her to go buy another condom, etc. Doesn't sound forced to me. Then lied for sympathy when the bf called her out on it. WHAT IS THE ATTRACTION HERE?!

 

So she enticed and guilted him into seeing her tonight, offering him a loan and saying he'll never see her again after this week, etc. He called me and said "I already know how you feel about it, so you don't need to say anything and I'm going anyway." So, I didn't say anything.

 

We wouldn't have problems if it weren't for her. I wouldn't be unhappy if it weren't for her and the issues she brings. He's so sweet and supportive, I can't understand how he would be stringing me along? Why put up with my "issues" and "episodes" if he's using me? Why have me over at his place 24/7 when I have my own apartment? Why treat me so lovingly all the time, until she comes into the picture and I suddenly don't matter?

[Scorpion Fury]

Are you joking me??? What a slap in the face. I'd tell him to hit the road.

[paintedfish]

I just want this to make sense... How the heck do I get this accross to him? I can't even say anything about her or he starts taking it as a personal attack. He's pretty much the only reason I'm even staying in the city I'm in right now. Its really in my best interests that I move back home and get my mental/financial/scholastic affairs in order, but I would miss him, and I have a life up here next to my university.

 

Why would he go WAY out of his way to make me feel so loved and then disrespect me so deeply?