Boyfriend's ex is getting to be a bit much.

[Scorpion Fury]

I just want this to make sense... How the heck do I get this accross to him? I can't even say anything about her or he starts taking it as a personal attack. He's pretty much the only reason I'm even staying in the city I'm in right now. Its really in my best interests that I move back home and get my mental/financial/scholastic affairs in order, but I would miss him, and I have a life up here next to my university.

 

Why would he go WAY out of his way to make me feel so loved and then disrespect me so deeply?

 

You say: "You talking to and especially seeing your ex is completely disrespectful to our relationship and I'm not puttin up with this garbage. I can't have a relationship with a guy that cares more about his ex than he does about me. Goodbye and good luck." That's what I would say if it were me. Just the fact that he kept doing this over and over would be enough for me to end it with no ultimatum to avoid the drama. I have zero tolerance for BS.

 

But if you don't wanna end it just yet...

 

Alternate ending: "You talking to and especially seeing your ex is completely disrespectful to our relationship and I'm not puttin up with this garbage. I can't have a relationship with a guy that cares more about his ex than he does about me. If you want to continue our relationship, you need to end all contact with your ex. It's non-negotiable."

[paintedfish]

Thank you... I'm sure the fact that you had to throw in an alternate ending and the fact that that's the one I'm choosing probably makes you feel like you're hitting your head against a very dense post. But I do appreciate it. I feel like I'm slamming my head into one as well, and I just happen to be in a relationship with said post.

 

He's giving me the feeling that I'm just being absolutely, untrustingly, nutso ludicrous about this, and I have no right to tell him who he can and cannot see. He had me convinced for a bit, and I did shut my mouth. I just feel so guilty. I want to be trusting and not controlling. So I'm sort of relieved that I'm not being crazy with this one.

 

 

Thank you again.

[drewciouS281]

You boyfriend is showing you no respect at all and i honestly feel that you should move on. Just because she is moving doesnt mean the contact will stop. He may want to visit her or vice versa. Thats one thing i make sure from the start is that there are no emotions or attachments of ex's when im starting to get serious with someone because if there is i cut my loses. Its not a matter of control its purely a matter of respect! You need to be firm and stop being so weak. This is your life, your feelings and your letting someone else run loose with them while he is running loose with an ex. For all you know since its her last night, i would say the chances of them sleeping or atleast hooking up are high. If i were you i would tell him

"if you go tonight you can expect to not hear from me anymore". and keep to it!

[paintedfish]

Yeah, well he's hanging out at her place now, so calling that off is kind of a moot point now. I SHOULD have done that though. You're very right.

 

I started sending him some messages. I'm sorry, I hate it when people post their text conversations, too. But, I think its kind of essential here to show the dynamics of the conversation/relationship. Maybe not.

 

 

 

Me: I know you have some long history I couldnt possibly, or want to, understand. But I just don't see the attraction.

 

Him: Stop it.

 

Me: Why.

 

Him: What are you talking about?

 

Me: What do you mean what am I talking about? What ELSE would I be talking about?

 

Him: I love you

 

Me: But I'm not the only one you love, am i.

 

Him: Yes you are, baby.

 

Me: Doesn't seem like it.

 

Him: I promise when I come home everything will be fine

 

Me: Oh good! Sorry for interrupting your date then. I'll just be waiting for you to be finished I suppose.

 

Him: Sure.

 

Me: You think you have it made because neither of us is putting pressure on you to choose. You've been doing this for months.

 

Me: You know how I feel about it and you don't give two *****, do you?

 

Me: Is that "love?" Really? Not caring how it makes me feel?

 

Me can go ahead and tell her everything I'm saying if you want. And she can welcome you back with open arms and tell you she loves you and would NEVER treat you this way, she loves you tooooo much.

 

Me: And you can keep ignoring all that she has done and is doing and be blissfully happy with her again.

 

Him: Ok.

 

 

He then called me, and I stayed firm. He apologized and I told him because he keeps doing it that his apologies mean absolutely nothing at this point. That he always has an excuse to go see her, that I mean so much to him when it isnt about her, but when she's brought up I get swept aside. Blah blah blah, he ended up saying " I dont want to break up with you! I want to come home to you." I told him it must be nice being able to go on dates and then come back home to a different girlfriend who's just always happy to see him. He said "Go ahead and break up with me. Its what I deserve. You're completely right. I don't want to break up, it will crush me, but its what I deserve." I told him its much easier to feel sorry for yourself then to own up to your actions. He was very upset at this point, and I just said " It doesnt have to be physical to be cheating." and he said if he comes home tonight and my stuff is gone, that he'd know he got what he deserves, and I didn't tell him one way or another if it would be gone. I know nothing will happen between them that's physical. Doesnt mean she won't try, or that she isn't gloating that we're fighting and he's still coming to see her. I basically called him out on all his BS and it actually feels really good. I don't know if I'll end up packing my stuff and leaving tonight, but I'm certainly not letting go of this or caving when I know I'm right. I'm patient, and I'm understanding, and I gave him loads of time to resolve this and nothing of the sort came about. So it really is ultimatum time. Or maybe too late? An ultimatum when there isn't another option (ie she's moving away) doesn't really mean much now, I suppose. I guess I should just put my feelings aside and do what I think is best at this point. Actually doing that is another thing.

[drewciouS281]

Thats great! Im glad you stood your ground the way you did. Him acting like a baby by saying he understands if you break it off and that he deserves it is called REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY! dont fall for it! You need to re visit all of the bad memories and hurt feelings you possessed when he would not listen or respect your decisions. You should pack up your things and leave his place, atleast for afew days to gather your thoughts and figure out what you want. Sure you will be in pain but remember its your life and you are the one that will have to live with your decision.

 

 

By the way, your avatar is awesome!

[n83]

It almost sounded like he's encouraging you to dump him.

 

I am glad you posted your convo because it showed that he's pretty disrespectful. I'm sure you care about him, but why bother caring about someone and their feelings when he doesn't do the same for you??

[Circe]

Ok... seriously, OP - he does not love you. He loves the competition between you and the other girl. That's it.

[Rabican]

In my opinion when one person (be it a friend, an ex, stranger etc.) expresses a romantic, or sexual interest in your partner it becomes your partners primary responsibility to end contact with that person.

 

You simply cannot go on being 'friends' with someone and still have a healthy relationship with your current partner when someone else is trying to steal you away. Even if it does not affect his mindset it surely affects yours, and is playing havoc on your relationship.

 

I would sit him down and tell him this and tell him flatly that its either her, or you. No ifs ands or buts about it. Shes gone, for good, or you are gone for good. End of story. And mean it! If he keeps talking to her, leave him.

[Rabican]

I just want this to make sense... How the heck do I get this accross to him? I can't even say anything about her or he starts taking it as a personal attack. He's pretty much the only reason I'm even staying in the city I'm in right now. Its really in my best interests that I move back home and get my mental/financial/scholastic affairs in order, but I would miss him, and I have a life up here next to my university.

 

Why would he go WAY out of his way to make me feel so loved and then disrespect me so deeply?

 

You dont get anything accross him. Unfortunately the truth of this matter is that he was hurt by her, and therefore probably scared to commit to her again. Furthermore, he doesnt have the same level of feelings for you as you do for him. Therefore he is unwilling to commit to you. In my opinion you staying in this relationship is only prolonging the inevitible heartbreak when he tells you one day that it isnt working or hes leaving you for her, or hes found a third girl etc.

 

Bottom line is he doesnt respect you, nor deserve you. I think if you left him you would realize very quickly what a wise descision that would be and that you would be better off without him.

[metrogirl]

So he wants you to break up because that is what he deserves or is that a convient way to rid himself of any guilt?

 

I'm sorry, but his actions are inappropriate. As long as you condone his behavior he will think it's ok to continue. Don't be fooled because that girl is moving, as someone else said, she will want to come and visit or he will want to go and visit with her. Then what....?? You will just have to be okay with it because that is what he wants?

 

BS....

[paintedfish]

Yikes. I guess the consensus is pretty solid.

After I was so clear on what I meant, I get to his place and he starts... what? Talking about her? Whatever, I get pissed, and tell him exactly what I think of her, that she is 100% BS and I'm starting to think he's the same way.

I talked with him last night, I told him pretty much I know what's going on, you either break up with her or I break up with you. I asked which it was and he couldn't answer straight away, and comes up with this gem: "So her going away party at the bar, I can't go to that?" I told him no, under no circumstances would I continue to be with him if he even starts answering her phone calls or texts again. He agrees, but not very heartfelt. I tell him I want to know when she calls or messages, and what she says, and he agreed as well. Sure enough, an hour later he's outside and his phone rings, I glance at it, and its her. So I tell him his phone went off, he comes and gets it and pretends it was his roommates GF looking for him, and gives him the phone. I asked him what THAT was about, and he said if I had asked he would've told me. No good. So I'm fuming silently.

 

 

Later I ask him what he's thinking about and he says "Well like any confused person I don't know what to think." I asked what in the world could he be confused about, and he said he thinks it might be better with me in my 'condition' to go home and get back on meds, that he's bored and wishes he had more money, and that he's thinking about her. He said he doesn't know what choice to make. By this point I'm exhausted and its around 12:30. So I just get up, and start packing my stuff. He freaks out and asks me what Im doing, begs me not to go, etc. and I ignored him. Finally I told him to stop pretending to care, that he should be relieved Im actually making a decision for him, and that he's being pathetic and that he's made me feel very pathetic. He wont let go of me when I try to walk out the door, and we talk for a bit, and I'm pretty much too sleepy to drive so I spent the night. This morning my dad's coming up for a visit, my stuff is still packed and I think I might just end up driving back home with him. All today my boyfriend was inattentive, didn't seem phased by the night before, whereas Im a nervous wreck. Thats not really fair, and I see now that maybe I do care a lot more than he does.

[Miss Firecracker]

paintedfish,

 

When you find your own limits, set the boundaries you want to live by, you will be happy. Until then, you can expect more of this. I won't tell you what I would do, but I think you can guess.

[Scorpion Fury]

he's got some balls. i can almost guarantee he will not stop talking to her, even if he says he will. he will just do it behind your back.

[uhohlala]

I think you already know that this is a losing proposition for you. The only open question is how much longer you'll suffer through it, and how much of your dignity will remain intact once it's over. The sooner you read the writing on the wall (and take it to heart) the sooner you can put this pathetic loser and his cowardly ambivalence behind you.

[paintedfish]

Okay, so after I packed my stuff, and had a huge talk with him, and caved... the next day was the same BS. So, I took all my packed belongings down to my car, and told him that after I leave, I won't be talking to him for a while, thank you for everything, goodbye. I was in my car preparing to leave and I see him running down the stairs and to my car, and he gets in and begs me not to go. We talk for a little while, he cries for a couple seconds, I'm still furious. He says if I want I can follow him upstairs and everything will be ok. If not, he understands. I don't follow, but I don't leave. 5 minutes later he's down at my car again, and begging me not to go. Finally, I cracked, and believed him when he said it would be different, that he'll work to change things, etc.

 

He didn't. Duh.

 

So I left today. I was nice and calm and respectful yesterday, but I told him last night that the reason I was leaving was because I knew that he would change his mind, and send me away the next day, and I was protecting myself from that, and making it my decision. So today when he suggested I go back home, I flipped out, and for the first time in my life called someone some very foul names, and told him "You couldn't just let me have the last word could you? You couldn't let me protect myself. You don't love me, you don't do this to people you love." Yelled an expeletive and walked out the door. Not proud of losing my cool but I'm always so calm, and so reserved and nice, I think its excusable.

 

 

Anyway, as I'm on my 200+mile journey, he calls me UPSET, of course. Begs me to turn around. I tell him no. I told him if it takes a lot of drama and the threat of losing me to make him care then I want no part of it. I hate drama, I'm sick of it. And that's what its taking every time. He doesn't love me, and he won't admit it.

 

I told him we're on break till I get back up there and decide if I want to make it work, and if he's done playing games. But for now I'm here in my childhood home, relaxing and taking time away from the craziness.

[drewciouS281]

good im glad you FINALLY got up the gutz to get up and go!!!! YAY!!! now keep it that way. dont call it a break, call it a break up! one thing ive realized is that people wont change. He may act completely different with someone else as you would too but the two of you together will always be this same way. Your young, you just need to let him go and find someone better. Ive been down your road and after each break up i always find someone ten times better than the last.

[Puma]

Like everyone else in this thread, I really think you should just drop him for good. He's not gonna change.

 

Do keep us updated though, I had a fun time reading through all this. You sound like a very intelligent girl.

[paintedfish]

Lol. Thank you. I'm glad this soap opera has some kind of entertainment value at least.

 

 

Okay. An update? He had asked me to call him when I got home, so he knows I was safe. So I did, didn't have much to talk about, and after a period of silence, he asked if I'm really mad at him. I told him I wasn't REALLY mad. I was just cheesed off. I then told him to call me before he goes to bed that night.

 

He sends me a text around 7, saying he's too drunk to find his phone charger so he can't call me before he goes to bed, and that he loves me. Really, usually I wouldn't care. But this was after a HUGE fight, me driving accross the state, etc, and now he can't even remain coherent enough to do the one thing that I asked of him, call me at night, he obviously wasn't thinking about me. I tell him this almost verbatim the next morning, and he sounds exasperated. He says he doesn't know what to do right anymore. I said "just show me that you're thinking about me! Consider me!" and since then, he's been sending me texts and calling me around every hour, just to talk or to say he loves me, etc. I can tell he's sort of annoyed with me, but not enough to be angry. So I've been very nice, and even though I hate the phone, I'm relieved that he's actually trying and showing me he cares. I think I just needed to tell him what the appropriate behavior for me was, and really hammer it home. I know he does love me, he just doesn't show it in the ways that I need. So hopefully, that's changed.

[Scorpion Fury]

This guy is such a tool. What are you hoping to accomplish by moving accross the state and still remaining in constant contact with him? The issue was him spending time with his ex and constantly talking to her. My guess is he hasn't stopped, right? If he had, you wouldn't have moved out. So now you're still talking to him and he is probably stringing the both of you along. You're not showing him you mean business.

[AmIafool]

This guy is a wimp. An absolute spineless weenie.

 

He chose to be with you. That means, she is history. But wait, she's not? so he thinks it's OK to continue a relationship with her in some form and have his thing with you? He got his feathers ruffled at the thought of you having lunch with your ex - doesn't that tell you something about where his head might be if he thinks it's OK to actually go and see her? Be alone with her? She still has some kind of hold on him. She was able to break him down by bringing up fond memories of their time together. He has admitted that he may not be completely over her...

 

Someone else called him an ambivalent coward... that's another good way to describe him.

 

You're really having to go far out of your way to get him to change this behavior. Like a lot of others, I don't think he will. You need to find someone who just knows what is respectful and what isn't. He has absolutely no respect for you, and you're right, he is playing games.

[paintedfish]

Well he did stop talking to her. He does seem to want to make it work. He has been very affectionate, and when I've tried to apologize for how I acted he gets distraught and tells me I have nothing to be sorry for, rather than attack me. I'm heading back up in a few days, evaluating how I feel about the situation now that there's been some distance, and I've gotten a break from my feelings and the drama.

[Rabican]

I would just tell him flatly that the next time you even THINK hes talking to this ex girlfriend of his, that you will NEVER talk to him ever again. So he can choose her or you and thats that.

 

And if he chooses you and you decide to still be with him (and you shouldnt) I would go so far as checking his phone and emails etc. to make sure he isnt lying to you.

[drewciouS281]

ahhh painted fish. dont you get it. this is the typical move for the dumpee. They will show a change to win back the dumper and when things get comfortable, the drama will comence. Dont you get it? sometimes two people just arent compatible together. Dont come back on here telling us that you got suckered AGAIN only to hear us saying we told you so.

[paintedfish]

Okay, after much pandering and piffling about, and harping endlessly to quite a few friends, I finally broke up with him for serious this time. I feel terrible. He kept threatening to kill himself, telling me I'm terrible and that he loves me, etc. So I'm just basically ignoring him at this point.

 

 

 

Thanks to EVERYONE on here who helped me. Scorpion Fury, you certainly stuck with it the longest. You deserve a medal or something. I do feel a bit relieved. And free. I'm actually allowed to see my roommate now! And I can go to the movies with friends, and do normal 20 year old girl stuff! Very, very exciting.

 

 

Thank you again.

[Scorpion Fury]

Okay, after much pandering and piffling about, and harping endlessly to quite a few friends, I finally broke up with him for serious this time. I feel terrible. He kept threatening to kill himself, telling me I'm terrible and that he loves me, etc. So I'm just basically ignoring him at this point.

 

 

 

Thanks to EVERYONE on here who helped me. Scorpion Fury, you certainly stuck with it the longest. You deserve a medal or something. I do feel a bit relieved. And free. I'm actually allowed to see my roommate now! And I can go to the movies with friends, and do normal 20 year old girl stuff! Very, very exciting.

 

 

Thank you again.

 

Excellent. Stay strong. He threatened to kill himself? And you weren't allowed to see your room mate? It's good you got out now, you never would have been happy in the long run.