Why lying sucks :(

[looking4ward]

Hi all,

 

So been dating this guy about 5-6 weeks. Things semed to be overall going very well- trying not to rush, but there are starting to be strong feelings on both sides. Last night it seemed to take a turn.

 

We met online, and according to his profile we were the same age. I found out he is really a bit older then what he said. He said he didn't expect to meet anyone he would want to be serious about online and did that to meet more people- but now he wants to be serious about me. ARGH!!!!!!!!! Honestly I didn't think I'd meet anyone I wanted to be serious about either online- but I didn't lie about myself.

 

Why do people do that? His real age is not really an issue for me (but older than I probably would have pursued normally)- but the lying! This is someone I previously had started to think had a lot of long term potential

 

My ex was a chronic lier- I just don't want to go through that again and this is a huge red flag- don't want to get more attached than I already am starting to be.

 

So what would you do?

[waveseer]

Me? I wouldn't date someone who lied about his age (in either direction).

[Ammy]

Hmm it is a concern... Lying about age in order to "trick" people into meeting him - to me this sounds very dodgy. That said, how are things between you, has he lied about anything else? When did he tell you about this lie?

 

Ammy

[Samedy]

I've known many women that shave a few years off of their age when they meet someone. If it was a year or two that would be easy to let slide. If they lied by a decade or two, that would be harder to let go.

 

How many years did he lie by? There is a difference between telling a lie to make yourself look better and telling a lie to deceive another person.

[looking4ward]

Hmm it is a concern... Lying about age in order to "trick" people into meeting him - to me this sounds very dodgy. That said, how are things between you, has he lied about anything else? When did he tell you about this lie?

 

Ammy

 

Things seem good between us. I feeling nervous now though. I just found out last night- we've been seeing each other about 2 times a weeks for 5 weeks aproximately. Haven't had sex yet. He hasn't lied about anything else "i know of"

[looking4ward]

I've known many women that shave a few years off of their age when they meet someone. If it was a year or two that would be easy to let slide. If they lied by a decade or two, that would be harder to let go.

 

How many years did he lie by? There is a difference between telling a lie to make yourself look better and telling a lie to deceive another person.

 

 

He said he was 29, he is actually 35 (i'm 28 ). A pretty big difference, but not huge, and he looks young for his age so it fooled me. I think he was just trying to make himself look better but it's still wrong. He said he had been strating to really like me and for the past 1.5 weeks had been stressing over how to tell me. Also he said he had expected to get kicked out when he told me last night- but I didn't.

[Blue Streak]

Why do people do that?

 

Simple answer being lack of self esteem/self worth. They don't think they can get what they are looking for, being who they are.

[annie24]

i would say that this is strike 1.

[looking4ward]

i would say that this is strike 1.

 

 

 

Agreed!! I think I will back off a bit so I can clear my head. I do like him but no sense rushing- especially now.

[Blue Streak]

If you are smart and really looking forward, you will simply move on. Lies from the start indicate that he is not some one you can trust down the road, regardless of his excuses. If is that simple for him to lie from the start, that is evidence it will be that simple to lie to you down the road.

[looking4ward]

Blue Streak- I understand what you're saying and that may be what happens. I might be rationalizing it by telling myself he was just "lying in general" and it turned out to be to me specifically when we got involved- and somehow this isn't indicative of him lying to me in the future? (Huh sorry that might not have made sense)

 

Oh the other thing that he said when we discussing this he made the statement that the truth can be “complicated” when I told him it was important for him to be honest. Double red flag right? Yuck, I am starting to think you are even more right Blue Streak

[LoveWaits]

I'm sorry that happened to you. I agree with previous posters, though. I think you should move on.

[Samedy]

How did you find out he was older than he said he was? Did he come clean?

[Ellie2006]

I agree w/ BlueStreak; sure, it's kind of taken for granted that people fudge the truth a little bit in their dating profiles but a lie is a lie. I dont want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I cant help but think, if he's prone to lying about such a trivial thing as his "age," what other more important issues could he be lying about? And also, the fact that he has told you the truth, only on your 9th and 10th date is also a bit troubling.

 

If you choose to go on seeing this man, I think it may be best to take things very slow so that you can get a better sense of who he is.

[Blue Streak]

I don't know your age, but you clearly seem to have many other positive prospects in your future. Take this process as an experience, and use it to your advantage in the future.

[looking4ward]

Samedy- Yes he did come clean on his own which is a big plus for him (my ex the chronic lier always had to be "found out") but still, eh

 

Ellie- I agree I'm wavering between going very slow and just telling him to forget it

 

Blue Streak- I guess it is hard because I'm 28 (not old, but wanting something serious), and do have a lot going for me but I will be stuck in a small, rural college town for 4 years doing vet school- not a lot of prospects here so it is a little extra frustrating when something dosent work out

 

Thanks for all your responses! I never feel like I am steered wrong after talking things out with ENA peeps

[Samedy]

Well if he came clean it does show he has a conscious. I agree with the person who said "strike one"...

[Blue Streak]

Maybe to help to you not feel so bad, I am single, 32, stuck in Yuma, AZ making big bucks right now. Virtually no personal prospects here unless I learn to speak Spanish, find interest in military women or old snowbirds!!! I personally think you really don't have much to complain about at 28.

 

Get your degree, you will have many prospects, and you will be fine. It takes time and effort to truly appreciate what is important to you.

[Sn0man]

Guys just don't lie about their age. And if they do that is a giant red flag - the kind that smack you in the face and say 'hey, im a big fat liar!'.

 

I could understand a woman fudging her age a bit, but guys just don't do this. Drop him like a hot rock.

[Blue Streak]

but guys just don't do this.

 

Never thought of it that way, but yea of course I agree. Maybe she is considering, as she is female, and females lye about their age daily, and lying is potentially not so uncommon in her life.

[looking4ward]

Guys just don't lie about their age. And if they do that is a giant red flag - the kind that smack you in the face and say 'hey, im a big fat liar!'.

 

I could understand a woman fudging her age a bit, but guys just don't do this. Drop him like a hot rock.

 

I think this is a good point, when I step back a bit it does seem odd- guys are not usually so vain. Hmm, definitely not good! Ok I have a lot to think about but I'm starting to lean much more toward just cutting things off.

[Blue Streak]

I'm starting to lean much more toward just cutting things off.

 

Kudos to you. We are here if you need us.

[looking4ward]

Well, I decided to break things off with the guy. Sucks because I was really starting to get into him- but a lie like that is too much baggage at the start of a relationship. I feel like I won't be able to trust anything he says.

 

Oh well, better now than later so neither of us will get too hurt.

[Sn0man]

You did the right thing. No need to start out a relationship on a lie.

[annie24]

sounds good. i don't blame you for being suspicious after that.

 

as a side note - john mccain and his wife cindy both lied to each other about their ages - he said he was way younger, she said she was older. it wasn't until they went to go get a marriage licesnce that they both found out the truth!