Which do you prefer...(another looks vs. personality poll)

[grymoire]

no! lord no!.... its the other way around. lol just kidding.

 

hug n screw. it was a joke. but basically it covers the bases of a relationship. you have sex, you have children, you hug them, which is a standard form of bonding. so by 'hug and screw' it actually referred to the entire spectrum of what a relationship is. now look at this:

 

ENA gold means its valuable advice.

 

so what is your advice EqD? just give up?

 

it never ceases to amaze me how women here say that the man has to be confident and assertive and go after what he wants instead of moping around at home...

 

and then when he does it...

 

say that it is all he has 24*7 in his mind and he really shouldn't be trying at all and just wait for the girl to approach him

[NowandZen]

Honestly, I think 7/10 personality and 5/10 looks is pretty darn good.

[Ac143]

There is a huge difference between confident & assertive THEN desperate and creepy (not saying you are GY)

[grymoire]

A confident and assertive man most likely has other things than women on his mind at some point in the day. You're throwing down a line and saying we're all either passive or OCD. Obviously, that's not true.

 

yea... i am wondering as well why these women have assumed that i am OCD

[grymoire]

thanks a lot man... especially for the bolded parts...

 

and double thanks for advising me without the need to put me down.

[EQD]

so what is your advice EqD? just give up?

 

it never ceases to amaze me how women here say that the man has to be confident and assertive and go after what he wants instead of moping around at home...

 

and then when he does it...

 

say that it is all he has 24*7 in his mind and he really shouldn't be trying at all and just wait for the girl to approach him

 

no. mope around until you get tired of it and decide to stop moping.

 

its soo terribly common to feel the way you do its seriously something everyone goes through. anger frustration hopelessness and depression, resentment, jealousy and etc.

and in all my experience and observation in this state no matter how much they attempted to cover it up or fake it into something else they (and i) have NEVER found anyone worth wasting my time on in this state.

 

once again you think the only part of life is relationships. and once again i can relate.

 

NOW. what i want to know is why is it all guys think that being a girl makes it automatically easy as hell to find a decent person.

its nonsense!

[EQD]

Being female is not an advantage in terms of finding a guy with LTR potential, but females in general are validated in ways that most males are not. It is ridiculously easy to forget that you're even a sexual being at times...and as annoying as that affirmation at times might be to women (whistling, honking, approached by losers)...it IS a reminder that you are desirable -- and that is something most males can not relate to.

 

if we got into pros and cons i could just list out that we are targeted for sex at least...... 200% more than a man is.

we have to hack through extra BS in that sense, and constantly be on our guard. while the validation is nice at times you mus'nt forget that it can backfire... oh god can it backfire...

[grymoire]

if we got into pros and cons i could just list out that we are targeted for sex at least...... 200% more than a man is.

 

ok so? what's the problem?

 

as you and ac143 and some women have mentioned, it is very clear that women are only for screwing. what's the issue now?

[EQD]

It can backfire and it is tedious, but personally I would rather deal with the question of finding someone suitable for me rather than asking if I'm suitable for anyone. One will take time, the other will rape your mind.

Call it my personal preference.

 

i call that low self-esteem.

and that too isnt gender specific.

in the game of love no one truly has the advantage.

[EQD]

ok so? what's the problem?

 

as you and ac143 and some women have mentioned, it is very clear that women are only for screwing. what's the issue now?

 

as a man you wouldnt see a problem with that. but i havent the time to explain now *flies off*

[grymoire]

as a man you wouldnt see a problem with that. but i havent the time to explain now *flies off*

 

i did until i was told otherwise.

 

buh-bye

[Ac143]

ok so? what's the problem?

 

as you and ac143 and some women have mentioned, it is very clear that women are only for screwing. what's the issue now?

 

This post is ridicolous lol. Sorry grymoire, but cmon....my post was a joke, I wouldn't be marrying a guy that I honestly thought was "using me for my good sex skills" LOL

 

BUT YES some women do want only sex just like some men want only sex...I have no idea where this is going....

[tiredofvampires]

I haven't voted in this poll, exactly because of this:

 

I figured I'd make it a little tougher to decide by only having a difference by an increment of one, but alas, I guess that kinda flopped. People will go way further down on looks for a better personality. Good to see.

 

First of all, the numbers are so high already, I would take either option, actually, though how "personality" and "looks" are defined is too vague for me to pin it down. In the sense that "personality" is a mixture of traits that a person has that, as partnership material goes, is entirely dependent upon how compatible those traits are with ME. You can say in a vacuum, So-And-So has a "great personality," and list all the typical qualities that are valued in that, and my "ideal" of a mate could line up with those, and yet there'd be one aspect of his personality that would make or break the entire equation. For instance, one of my exes has a fantastic personality, one I'd rate at 9 or 10, but because he and I don't mesh on a couple of particular personality scores (that broadly ended up affecting many aspects of our relating, adversely), that relationship is defunct. So does that mean his personality is now a "3"? No, it's just that there are a couple of things that are incompatible which are so far-reaching as to make us not mesh well.

 

And then with "looks", I'd be alright with dating someone at a "4"...but what kind of 4? If it's an unhealthy looking 4 (very overweight, wrinkled from smoking, etc.) but he had an attractive appearance otherwise, I wouldn't be likely to go for that whereas I'd go for a 4 who is just not Mr. Universe and more homely looking. There are 4's, and there are 4's. And then there is the inflation-with-further-inspection aspect, where that same 4 is fluid. I've gone out with a couple of 4's who rose in stature to 6 or 7. So a 4 is not usually static, it's a starting point, really. I have never been in love with anyone who was less than a 9, but that's probably not because by some standard "out there" or even to me, they necessarily started off on that leg.

 

If we are strictly talking about "ideals" in the abstract though, I give a good amount of wiggle room for looks. And I also give it time to "ripen", as I've described if I'm not right off the bat seeing stars and wiping drool off my chin. I could date a 4/10. But sadly, the same does not hold true for personality; there is very little leeway for personality. And the odds of falling are greater -- a guy who starts on a 10/10 footing (though I'd "settle" for a 9, not a whole lot less [if we are talking character; again, compatible personality qualities are negotiable]) is usually gonna slip. Often fast. Often hard. And then there's no going back. Coincidentally (or not?) the higher the looks rating, the faster the slippage. And in those cases, he also simultaneously falls in looks, too. Funny how that works.

 

So I could meet a guy who is 10/10 in looks, and 10/10 in personality (so I think at first) and it wouldn't take much for him to wind up a 4/10 in both, starting with blowing it with his personality. Meanwhile, the guy who starts out looking like a 4/10 and has a 10/10 personality is very likely gonna make it to at very least a 7/10 looks-wise if he keeps wooing me artfully and genuinely enough.

 

(And as an aside, to anyone bemoaning any part of that scenario....does it matter how he got there? He's THERE.)

 

It can backfire and it is tedious, but personally I would rather deal with the question of finding someone suitable for me rather than asking if I'm suitable for anyone. One will take time, the other will rape your mind.

 

Finding someone suitable for you vs. wondering if you're suitable for anyone aren't mutually exclusive problems. Some of us are working both lines at the same time, actually. I speak as a WOMAN. Though....in essence, they are actually the same problem, aren't they? Because if two people aren't suitable, it's the case regardless of who is doing the evaluation. Who's calling the shots.

 

in the game of love no one truly has the advantage.

 

Truly. There is nothing advantageous about thinking I have a lot of opportunities for nothing good.

 

That's interesting. You must believe that we all have intrinsic worth, then, to make that argument. George Bush had something like 30ish% approval ratings, but he's self confident and thinks time will prove him right. That doesn't mean he's correct, it just means he's deluded. I'm not sure why it's so crazy to apply this in dating. I am not really into all the negative/positive power of self mantra because it's not really grounded in any sort of reality.

 

I think it's a mistake to compare politics to dating and love, Tyler.

 

Mostly because of this:

 

President Bush needs AT LEAST 50% of the population to approve of him to be electable. That's what that number reflects.

 

Do you need 50% of the female population of the world to approve of you?

 

I would find it astronomically high and encouraging to even consider 13% of the world's male population interested in me. (Or should we limit ourselves to the United States? Would that be more fair? Okay. Still, then.)

 

But let's go on 30% approval rating. That would mean, in dating terms, that about 1/3 of the women you ask out will say yes, and like you. So then, what is the frequency that you'd be making attempts? Just pick a number...say, 9 a month? That's a rate of about 2.25 attempts with women a week. At that rate and the 30% success rate, you'd have about 3 women saying yes per month. That's 36 women a year agreeing to go out with you.

 

But if that's not enough for you, let's say you're at the basic electability of 50%. Ask out 9 per month, and 4.5 will say yes. Is that really so different from 3? In quantities?

 

And how much room do you have in your calendar to pencil in over 50 women a year to be dating? You better buy stock in Berol.

 

The fact of the matter is that I don't need even 1% approval rating. I only need 1 individual who is as deluded as I am to elect me.

 

Oh, and as a tangent....if you took the kind of hose they used to put out the fires on 9/11, and sprayed down George Bush until the layers of his being were cleansed as so much encrusted poo, underneath would be a person of intrinsic worth.

[laisla]

^ tov, i just want to say, you are a genius.

[EQD]

That's interesting. You must believe that we all have intrinsic worth, then, to make that argument. George Bush had something like 30ish% approval ratings, but he's self confident and thinks time will prove him right. That doesn't mean he's correct, it just means he's deluded. I'm not sure why it's so crazy to apply this in dating. I am not really into all the negative/positive power of self mantra because it's not really grounded in any sort of reality.

 

you are now mixing politics with relationships, publicity with personal level.

i'm not sure why its so hard to believe that women also can have severe self-esteem issues. why the pros and cons of gender are in balance when it comes to attraction, dating, and relationships.

[EQD]

i think you would like to think that someone has it better than you. because that means you have the 'hard luck story' but its not true.

and now that it isnt true you would have to accept responsibility for your mentality and your lack of a companion. which should NEVER be used to measure a persons worth.

[EQD]

Oh yes, because I am so quick to dodge any form of accountability? You guys are so funny. You either got it or you're some simpleton with a complex that you can practice pseudo psychiatry on. rofl. Whatever.

 

* * * * this place.

 

I'm outtie.

 

no one is an exception. lol. its what everyone does.

i dont know what 'pseudo psychiatry' means, i'm just OCD with observations.

*waves hand*

[grymoire]

you are now mixing politics with relationships, publicity with personal level.

i'm not sure why its so hard to believe that women also can have severe self-esteem issues. why the pros and cons of gender are in balance when it comes to attraction, dating, and relationships.

 

This is something I have a tough time understanding EqD. I really don't get it.

 

Men that keep getting rejected again and again and go single for years together might have self-esteem issues because they are not being wanted. But it is not the case for women. They easily go from one relationship to another. And the best part is they get approached by men. They are wanted. In that case I really have no idea how they have issues with self-esteem.

[laisla]

This is something I have a tough time understanding EqD. I really don't get it.

 

Men that keep getting rejected again and again and go single for years together might have self-esteem issues because they are not being wanted. But it is not the case for women. They easily go from one relationship to another. And the best part is they get approached by men. They are wanted. In that case I really have no idea how they have issues with self-esteem.

 

are you serious grym? people may have low self-esteem for many reasons other than being rejected or not being approached. such as sexual abuse, mistreatment, neglect, low confidence. what would it feel like to be a girl who gets approached on a normal basis, whose had a handful of boyfriends, yet all those boyfriends cheated on her and treated her bad? wouldn't that likely hurt her self-esteem too???

[grymoire]

yet all those boyfriends cheated on her and treated her bad? wouldn't that likely hurt her self-esteem too???

 

in that case yes i agree. but i am assuming that it is not normal and rather an exception.

 

and moreover if a girl repeatedly chooses jerks that will cheat on her as her boyfriends then it is her own doing.

[EQD]

This is something I have a tough time understanding EqD. I really don't get it.

 

Men that keep getting rejected again and again and go single for years together might have self-esteem issues because they are not being wanted. But it is not the case for women. They easily go from one relationship to another. And the best part is they get approached by men. They are wanted. In that case I really have no idea how they have issues with self-esteem.

 

the part in bold is where you went wrong.

its hard to put aside the bias and i know why. but trust me, we do have self esteem issues. not all women are wanted, and even the ones that are are wanted by a great deal of guys who are trash, users, abusers, scumbags. Despite the idea that you are 'wanted' by those people it can actually still hurt your self-esteem esp if a woman gets in a relationship with an abuser, and also the woman usually comes to reason that 'these terrible people are the only ones that want me, whats wrong with me then? why doesnt a good guy want me? why is it when i approach a good guy i might like that i get rejected?'

 

its a whole new world that we have before us, i wouldnt say its 'better' either.

[laisla]

grym all i will say is you need to stop generalizing and putting people into exhaustive groups. reality is NOT like that. it does not benefit anyone in the long run to be generalizing like this.

[grymoire]

and even the ones that are are wanted by a great deal of guys who are trash, users, abusers, scumbags.

 

whats wrong with me then? why doesnt a good guy want me? why is it when i approach a good guy i might like that i get rejected?'

 

this is another surprise for me - because i always believe that women turn down the good guys and go for the users.

 

not saying they deliberately make that choice but because the users happen to be confident guys that can charm the girls.

[EQD]

in that case yes i agree. but i am assuming that it is not normal and rather an exception.

 

and moreover if a girl repeatedly chooses jerks that will cheat on her as her boyfriends then it is her own doing.

 

grymoire, you could find a girl in a snap if you had no standards. she wouldnt be someone you wanted to be with--she probably wont be attractive or make you happy or be sane or compatable, but if you really wanted just to have someone to date if you did this, you would be set.

 

the problem with love is that you have to have standards, and good ones.

half your dating life will probably be devoted to just finding out what you like through trial and error. and then the other quarter (hopefully) will be spent weeding out the ones you know you dont want while trying to fight off being terribly lonely, desperate, and depressed. Then if all that goes according to plan you may be lucky enough to spend the last quarter with someone you actually love--and if you are very very very lucky nothing bad will happen between the two of you to cause a split.

[grymoire]

grym all i will say is you need to stop generalizing and putting people into exhaustive groups. reality is NOT like that. it does not benefit anyone in the long run to be generalizing like this.

 

i am only trying to understand...

 

and i do not think i am making invalid generalizations as well. if i say men are more into sex than women is somebody going to ask me to stop generalizing? of course there are exceptions to every situation but we are not talking about exceptions.