THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[IAmFCA]

Started NC yesterday after trying to get over / reconcile with my ex for the past three months. Needless to say, talking to him every day during this time has only brought about pain and agony for myself while I gobbled up breadcrumbs of false hope. He contacted me today via email about something silly (while alone at his new Long distance bf's home), but I have not replied.

 

I cried once yesterday and another time today. Think it's pretty normal but I know I will get through it. Here's to a successful 24 hours of NC

 

Let that light switch flip over into the off setting... he is sending messages from the new guys house because he feels that connection, sure, but it's not the sort of connection you want. There is nothing in it for you.

[kiara17]

I'm back to NC day 2 now we broke up almost 3 weeks ago, saw eachother last week to get our stuff back, and had been doing well with NC after that. Then he phones me 2 nights ago asking where his passport was and if I had it (he was leaving for Hawaii the next morning, typical of him to leave this until the last minute), so I had to find it and give it to him. That whole situation brought up feelings again and I feel like I'm back at square one I'm scared I won't make any progress with this; I want to stay positive that things will work out since we ended on good terms and I feel like he's confused - you can read my thread on my page if you want - but it's so hard to part of me feels like we're not done for good (I have a strong gut feeling he is the one, and he said that too at one point) and this is only temporary, but another part of me says to let go. I hope this passes soon.

[IAmFCA]

Day 4 has come and gone. It is straightforward doing this without having to ignore reminders. Read your part Kiara, and I felt similarlike about my guy. Decided that what I know is now, the future will show itself. If he is that guy, I'll reclaim him and vice versa when the time is right. Right now, he is not that guy and that is all I need to know.

[kiara17]

Yes IThinkICan, it's hard to come to that realization and yet still have a bit of hope, at times you feel there will one day be a chance, and other times you think there's no way in hell. I think to get through this, we need to support one another and prove to everyone, including ourselves and our exes, that this too shall pass, and we'll emerge as stronger people. If it's meant to be, it will happen

[IAmFCA]

Yes IThinkICan, it's hard to come to that realization and yet still have a bit of hope, at times you feel there will one day be a chance, and other times you think there's no way in hell. I think to get through this, we need to support one another and prove to everyone, including ourselves and our exes, that this too shall pass, and we'll emerge as stronger people. If it's meant to be, it will happen

 

There is no hope for this fellow in the future, because I don't know who he will be in the future, and I've no reason to limit my own options in the future.

 

Day 5 - I find myself a bit curious today. It'll pass.

[IAmFCA]

Yes IThinkICan, it's hard to come to that realization and yet still have a bit of hope, at times you feel there will one day be a chance, and other times you think there's no way in hell. I think to get through this, we need to support one another and prove to everyone, including ourselves and our exes, that this too shall pass, and we'll emerge as stronger people. If it's meant to be, it will happen

 

In my case, there is no hope for this fellow in the future, because I don't know who he will be in the future, and I've no reason to limit my own options in the future. Letting go as completely as I can.

 

Day 5 - I find myself a bit curious today. It'll pass. Mostly, I need a nap. Need to keep taking melatonin.

[kiara17]

I'm glad you can realize that and let go. For me it's not that simple I've been through break ups before, and this one definitely feels different to me, like unfinished. I know that sounds like false hope but something is telling me it's just not finished yet with him. I think he's at a point in his life where he needs to figure out who he is, and maybe he can't handle having a GF by his side. As good as our time together was, for now it's over, but I don't believe for good. I've tried to let go and tried to give up and move on this past month, but something keeps telling me to have hope. I kind of hope this feeling goes away, so I can heal instead of wait around. It's day 3 official NC for me, and it's hard. Going to a counsellor today, hopefully that helps.

[IAmFCA]

Kiara, what I realize is more advanced than the letting go. The letting go is more process than event. There was a day of the light switch flipping over, two days, really. For that I am grateful. I am not good at forcing myself to get over someone, it is much easier when I find the kernel of truth that pushes me. How was your counseling session?

 

I looked at his fb page yesterday. I am not sure what that was about; I was half sleeping. It never changes. My memory is that it didn't feel like anything but boredom.

 

There has been no contact. No desire for contact. But as it got late yesterday, and my sleeplessness carried on from the night before, I could sense maybe wanting to text. That is how I know I am up way too late, whatever hour it is.

 

I am glad to be moving forward. It will be several years from now, if ever, and it will not be easy. I was presented once before with the opportunity to revisit an old love, and I let it go, and I wondered about it for a decade afterwards. This time, I will know for sure what I want, three years from now. I will be on my path, whatever it is.

 

I am comfortable with the idea of not talking to him till then. Ever? Not ready to say for ever, but for a few years i am okay with. I am calling this Day 6.

[kiara17]

I am happy that you've come to that realization IThinkICan, I feel like I'm on my way there too. I also know how being up late can make you do things not in your right mind, I would find myself looking at his FB page constantly, but now I've stopped that, cuz it just makes me more upset even if anything isn't posted; I just stay away from FB altogether right now. I'm glad he's away on vacation that way I'm not tempted to text or call him.

My counsellor session was good, it's good to get it all out with someone who isn't biased like my friends or family. I would strongly suggest going for anyone in this situation. I feel after talking to her and my mum that this breakup was supposed to happen right now. I've dealt with a lot in my life, and I feel like I've lost who I was. For whatever reason, this breakup has woken me up from whatever I was in, and I feel I can truly be myself. things are looking up today - day 4. I know I'll have my bad days still, but I'll cherish today and how I'm feeling right now.

[IAmFCA]

That sounds like wisdom to me! Wishing you a great day!

[IAmFCA]

Day 7. He sends a text referencing the compliment I sent a week ago. Not responding. Shake it off. Shake it off. He knows what I see and he knows everything he needs to know.

 

I know everything I need to know.

 

There is nothing left to do but leave it where it is and go do my thing, in which he has no interest.

 

I am earning my day 7 today.

[IAmFCA]

Day 7 done. I have been unproductive and keeping to myself when not otherwise engaged. Maybe I am adjusting to one more layer peeling off.

[hopelessincan]

Day Zero! Here I go talking in circles again. Not accepting it. I need a life.

[IAmFCA]

Recording day 8 so I don't lose count.

[MKEC94]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm new here and started a thread in this forum. Then I happened to see this thread. I think it will be good for me to come and post here as well, regarding where I am with NC, and how I'm feeling.

 

For me it's not that simple I've been through break ups before, and this one definitely feels different to me, like unfinished. I know that sounds like false hope but something is telling me it's just not finished yet with him. I think he's at a point in his life where he needs to figure out who he is, and maybe he can't handle having a GF by his side. As good as our time together was, for now it's over, but I don't believe for good. I've tried to let go and tried to give up and move on this past month, but something keeps telling me to have hope. I kind of hope this feeling goes away, so I can heal instead of wait around. It's day 3 official NC for me, and it's hard. Going to a counsellor today, hopefully that helps.

 

I feel like that too Kiara. This feels different to me - like something is unfinished between us. Maybe my guy, KC, was brought into my life for a season, or maybe more seasons. Not sure. But it feels unfinished.

 

I waffle back and forth between hope and acceptance. I know that is normal, and in time it will get easier. I have had a very bad year (unrelated to KC), so this set me back quite a bit.

 

I don't want to hold on to false hope either, so I'm going to keep working on myself, and healing, focusing on taking care of myself, on my work, on my mom, and on college. I will maintain NC as best I can, and I'll keep coming here to ENA to post about my progress.

 

So where am I on NC? Hmmm...

If we don't count FB stalking, lol, I am at Day 12 of NC.

 

We had some email exchanges two weeks ago, where I said all I really need to say. And I can walk away without wondering if he knows how I feel or how I see things (or saw things). The ball is in his court regarding communication right now, because I'm in NC. And so is he apparently.

 

Meanwhile, I continue to gather belongings he left at my house and I put them in a box in my garage, out of site. The less reminders of the past, the better. At some point I know we will have contact, simply because of his stuff. I will have to reach out to him, if he doesn't reach out to me first. I'm trying to be prepared for either outcome -- and it will be painful either way (especially if he contacts me about his stuff and still shows no signs of reconsidering). But I want to be in a better place by then!!

 

Today, I'm feeling a little stronger and less obsessive about what he's doing, thinking, etc... And I only checked his FB 100 times, versus 300 times last week (lol, kidding...just looked at it once today).

 

One breath at a time. One day at a time.

Bring on Day 13, please?

Because that gets me one step closer to something that feels more like normal.

[MKEC94]

I would find myself looking at his FB page constantly, but now I've stopped that, cuz it just makes me more upset even if anything isn't posted; I just stay away from FB altogether right now. truly be myself. things are looking up today - day 4. I know I'll have my bad days still, but I'll cherish today and how I'm feeling right now.

 

My KC makes posts here and there like he did before the break-up, like nothing is wrong, like he doesn't miss me, like life just went on as normal. But I am doing the same thing right? I'm faking it most of the time when I post things. I am trying to be happy and make the most of out of life, and sometimes the smiles and laughter are real. I know one day I won't be faking it, and all of the smiles will be real!

 

I have to wonder if he is doing the same as me, hurting and trying to get by, but I get nothing from wondering about how he is feeling. It gets me nowhere.

 

Sometimes in the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, I'll open up FB to read posts. And I can see that he has been awake too, sometimes a few times through the night. That of course gets me to thinking....he didn't do that when we spent nights together. I wonder why he is up? Is he having trouble sleeping too? Again, this stinkin thinkin gets me nowhere! Ugh. I'll be glad when I don't feel like checking anymore.

 

Then there was a conversation I had with some of my friends on Saturday at my July 4th cookout. They are mutual friends on FB, but they are actually friends he met through me. They don't see him outside of being with me. He has been clicking "like" on some of their posts. It felt like such a "high school" conversation. "Why would he do that? Doesn't he know that we are YOUR friends?" lol We got some chuckles out of it. I told them not to read anything into it -- "It's just a 'like' and we have no idea what he is thinking."

 

Then there is the whole idea of what would it take for me to give up? It would be the day I see that he has posted something with another woman, or has a new lady in his life. That will hurt, and why put myself through that? Could I give up before then? Possibly. But that would definitely be the sign I need to let it go. I don't think I could go back if he brought someone else into his life. But never say never, I guess.

 

So, anyway....

I'm getting better at everything, day-by-day. One day it won't matter what he posts.

[IAmFCA]

No fb stalking!

 

BTDT. Just let it go, whatever the other person's life is, whatever their choices are, it doesn't involve us.

[MKEC94]

No fb stalking!

 

BTDT. Just let it go, whatever the other person's life is, whatever their choices are, it doesn't involve us.

Agreed. I know what my head says, and then there is what my heart says. They are still working on a compromise, but my head is pulling into the lead - thank goodness! Eventually my heart won't care.

[toolovehim]

NC Day 1st: it is a practice to try to build ones boundry.

 

0415 is the day I was awared of the end coming. Since that, I don't initial contract and try to begin the healing.

0528 is the day I gave in.

0615 had the talk.

0618 silly me, time to let go.

I failed today and I knew I would if he text me again.

[kiara17]

I feel the same way; if I saw him with another girl, that would be a deal breaker. No turning back no matter how much he apologized. I know some people can get past that but I don't think I could; especially since he said he wants time to himself, and that when he's ready or changes his mind he would think of getting back with me first. But I wonder if he says that just to be nice? I don't think he would tho, he doesn't like promising false hope so I trust what he says. But FB is awful for breakups, part of me wishes we didn't have it! Oh well; day 6 of offical NC and it was a harder day. I'm holding out for better times ahead.

[kiara17]

I failed today and I knew I would if he text me again.

 

Stay strong! Keep posting here if you even feel the need to contact him; it feels a whole lot better than being rejected or having him reply with one word. I know how hard it is!

[MKEC94]

.... But I wonder if he says that just to be nice? I don't think he would tho, he doesn't like promising false hope so I trust what he says. But FB is awful for breakups, part of me wishes we didn't have it! Oh well; day 6 of offical NC and it was a harder day. I'm holding out for better times ahead.

 

I think they do say things because they are trying to be nice, and they don't want to hurt us. I also think that the good ones don't give false hope. When I went through my D, my exH gave a lot of breadcrumbs. It was a confusing roller coaster ride for months. It was painful, but at least I could tell that he was torn. I wouldn't classify him as one of the good ones, more lost and selfish.

 

I don't know which is worse, seeing that they are torn, or the silence. Ouch, they both hurt!

 

Congrats on making Day 6! It gets easier, and I promise that better times are ahead!

[MKEC94]

Stay strong! Keep posting here if you even feel the need to contact him; it feels a whole lot better than being rejected or having him reply with one word. I know how hard it is!

 

Every time I think about checking KC's FB page, I come here instead and read. Whatever works to keep me focused!

[kiara17]

I think they do say things because they are trying to be nice, and they don't want to hurt us. I also think that the good ones don't give false hope. When I went through my D, my exH gave a lot of breadcrumbs. It was a confusing roller coaster ride for months. It was painful, but at least I could tell that he was torn. I wouldn't classify him as one of the good ones, more lost and selfish.

 

I don't know which is worse, seeing that they are torn, or the silence. Ouch, they both hurt!

 

Congrats on making Day 6! It gets easier, and I promise that better times are ahead!

 

Yes, the confusion he has is definitely making things harder! But I'm going to continue trying to forget about his false hope, even tho he says he doesn't wanna give me false hope, certain things he says gives me that hope anyways. I honestly feel like he is very confused about what he wants, but I'm realizing that even if he wanted me back, he would really have to prove to me he wanted a commitment before I even considered it! I don't want to be with someone who's not entirely sure. I'm glad he's on vacation right now in the states, cuz I'm here in Canada and I'm not able to contact him, so there's not even a temptation glad we all have each other here to support one another!

[IAmFCA]

Day 9 to keep count

 

Reading other posts -- NC did not become a sincere response for me, and therefore I did not choose to implement it, until I divorced myself from his confusion. He is confused about his choices, because he can see the difference between his choices today and the choices he thought he would make for his future. The bottom line is, a man who is confused about being with me, or being without me, is not my man.

 

The enduring connection between us is what makes NC so compelling. If he were a regular bloke, I would remain conversational on occasion.

 

So, other posters, the confusion you see in your exes and the compelling closeness with which you can see it is a good reason to go NC and stick to it. With little in the way of boundaries and much in the way of confusion, all you (we) get from being in touch is direct access to their confusion. Who wants that?