THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[gone]

Day 2

 

I wasn't in a normal relationship. I can see now, the many times I healthily pulled away and attempted to move on. And how my ex would pull me back in and destroy my progress. I am truly happy to see now, how him contacting me recently did not have that effect on me. It actually helped me recognize his behavior as nothing new. He contacted me simply to attempt to exert control.

 

I went back in my journals and I read about how things were between us. I read a letter I wrote to him in July of this year. We had broken up by then, but he was rallying to get me back. I had agreed to hear him out, but he disappointed me by not keeping his word, and doing a bait and switch (and denying that was what it was-- but I was on to him and too smart to be fooled).

 

In my letter, I clearly spell out what happened and what I needed from him - I did this without accusation and blame, but also without guilt or being mean at all. It's a lovely letter. It is not sad or dramatic or self-pitying or accusing, or anything. It just tells it like it is. It basically explains that he should have been honest about me not being what he was looking for, and I provided many examples of where his behavior was simply unacceptable, and many examples where I was simply not loved or appreciated. I never sent that letter - because at the time it was written, I was trying to find closure and move on.

 

I see now that my ex is what prevented me from moving on sooner. I am taking the reins over and moving on myself. I wasn't going to change him, and he has zero interest in being the person I'd need for him to be in order for me to be happy. If I need a reminder, I decided to reread my old journals.

[klambert918]

Day 2. This is so hard. I want to talk to him so badly. I'm doing everything I can to distract myself but I find him everywhere. I am so in love with him and can't believe we're not together. I'm so sad.

[gone]

Day 3

 

I actually feel pretty good now. I think I got a lot off my chest when my ex contacted me last week with his fake condolences. It just reminded me of how condescending he is, and how he actually seeks vulnerability and wants to feel pity for people because it makes him feel a little less small himself when he can feel bad for someone else. What a narcissist. I must have been confusing for him, because I wasn't pitiful and I overcame his abuse to continue living my life and actually made a lot of accomplishments and continued with my social life despite all the abuse from him. I am realizing I can date other people and actually, it is very easy for me to get dates and I am sure, find a new relationship with someone else who is handsome, accomplished and who treats me better. Wow, has my perspective changed over the last couple of months!

[eca12]

Day 17

 

First time posting here but i initiated NC 17 days ago after failing a previous attempt at NC. No idea what's going on in his life and havent seen him in close to two months since we now live in different cities for university. Today was a tough day, weekends tend to be tough for me because we used to visit each other over the weekends. I'm stressed about school, grad jobs, part time jobs and other activities I've got and have been falling behind as I have been distracting myself by doing other things. Got down to ticking some things off my to-do list so that's a positive. Feelings and thoughts about my ex come like waves and today it kinda felt like I was drowning but i'm thankful my friend helped me and I'm ready to go another week.

 

All the best to everyone out there. Just take it day by day x

[iamtheprize]

Day 19 NC (with a slip-up text a few days ago).

 

Not getting any easier for me. I want to speak with her so much. I can't stop thinking about her, can't stop the tears today. I've tried everything short of dating/sleeping with other people. Meditation. Exercise. "Thought stopping". "Surrender". I'm in better shape than I ever have been but other than that I am a mess. I've been going to therapy once a week. Still, she's all that I think about. I get on with life / work, but her face and her smile is always at the front of my mind. I can't stop thinking of how to get her back. I read all these ridiculous books and posts about reconciliation. I am literally still living on hope. Still can't accept that this is anything but temporary. The urge to 'fight' for her is overwhelming.

 

I feel pathetic for loving someone so much that doesn't love me back. I wish I could just forget.

[Tilly]

Hey.

 

I am on day 6, still a struggle for me. I am trying to find myself and start up some hobbies not really sure what I want to do anymore with my life. I used to be so outgoing and fun but slowly after being with my ex for 8 years I changed and stopped being the independent feisty women I used to be. I do still cry over him and I know I need to get myself up and out there. I have planned a few things over the new few weeks but everytime my phone bleeps or rings I am desperately hoping it is him.

 

The worse thing about all this is he stated he wants to work things out but needs "space", he says everyday life has got in the way. He started emailing and texting an ex work colleague says he started falling for her and needs to get her out of his head. Not only that he has been on sex chat sites. The day after we ended it he paid to be on Zoosk (a dating website). On the last night he stayed in our house we went to the cinema, when we got back he wanted to be close to me and asked for a hug and followed me around like a love sick puppy. I told him as it was his last night in the house he could share our bed, when he got in the bed he immediately cuddled me and started crying. I asked him why and he said he was just sweating, I was a little off with him that night and just said "Babe this is what you wanted". He said to me this was not goodbye and that he would more than likely contact me in a couple of weeks time and knows he will have to fight for me. I have not heard from him since, I have deleted all of his contact details from my phone and emails.

[gone]

I don't think about my ex like I used to, not at all. (Been about 2 months since things were final but a lot more since I broke up with him.) Sometimes funny things happen, little things that serve to remind me what an jerkface he was. Take today, for instance. I was sitting in a work meeting, and someone brought up the fact that you can get an external harddrive for really cheap these days. I immediately remembered how my ex had gotten me one as a holiday gift (the only holiday gift I ever got from him- it was during the honeymoon stage, of course) and then I remembered how the plug to it came loose, and I asked him to fix it (since he was handy with computer stuff). I remember how he yelled at me for "always being careless" and he accused me of "dropping and breaking the harddrive" with my "carelessness". The harddrive was fine. It just needed a new shell, which we got for $1.87 or whatever it was.

There was once a time when memories like this would make me burn with rage, but now I just shake my head and think, "GOD, WHAT A LOSER."

[LostinMidwest]

I could use a hug right now. I still miss my ex. Stupid situation.

[Tilly]

I could use a hug right now. I still miss my ex. Stupid situation.

 

*hugs* I miss my ex loads still and just want to have hugs from him so bad. I hate that he says he wants to work things out but needs his space. I am on day 7 and back to work today so that will help me a little but its the evenings, even certain adverts remind me of him. Has anyone had any success with this No Contact? I have Matt Huston's books and when I have a "moment" I read them.

 

My ex needs a lot of help he is addicted to online sex chat/porn, He is also texting and emailing lots of other girls. He turned 30 in August and from talking to his family sounds like he never had the typical teenage years where you get all this out your system. Does anyone live in Kent? Maybe could meet up for coffee or start some kind of activity hobby together?

[Tilly]

Day 7 is over and the need to text or email him is slowly going. I have thought of him several times and right now just want to cry and cry. Need a hug and reassurance right now.

[gone]

*Hugs for All*

 

Even though I know my ex was mean, rude, dishonest and selfish toward me, at first I missed my dreams of love and having what it was I wanted with a man...and now I still do feel sad from to time, but there's less of a hole in my heart, because over the last couple of months I've become accepting of the inevitability of this outcome, given the beginning of the sentence. It doesn't change my feelings, but it's better to have myself than to have no self at all....

[iamtheprize]

Broke NC yesterday with disastrous results. Don't do it people it's not worth it. We managed to leave things on loving terms, now all that's gone. maybe I needed that for closure I'm not sure. But an innocent catch up conversation turned to the subject of dating and I said I couldn't be her friend, ever. Then I told that her she made the last 2 years of our life feel cheap by seeking online hookups just days after our breakup. I was still too emotional, it was like I couldn't stop the words from coming out. She got angry / embarrassed and told me I was the 'worst mistake of her life'.

 

Completely crushed and devastated. Again. Back to day 1

[Tilly]

Day 8.

Hey All, I hope you are all ok and are being strong *hugs*

Well I managed to get through last night without a tear, managed to eat my dinner and slept better then I have for the last month. I still think about him and my heart sinks when I think of the last 8 years, I would have been his wife since the 19th Oct. I wonder how many girls he is talking to, if he is pursuing his ex work colleague. If he meant what he said about wanting to make it work and just needing time and space. I told him to phone me when he knows either way what he wants/needs, so I know when I get a message it wont be him, as much as I check my phone for missed calls I know in my heart I wont have one.

 

The thing making this harder for me is he left leaving me that little glimmer of hope, telling me its not goodbye, he will call me in a couple of weeks and ask me out on a date. Why do that to someone! why not just say look its over.

 

I have 2 dates to go on one with an old school friend which I know will be fun, the other is someone I have been talking to online for a while and this one I am a little wary of. I am also going to a fright night this weekend and booked myself a mini break to get away for a long weekend. All I can do is look forward to the things I have put in place. It is about the mini goals.

[ship]

Day 26 of NC,

 

This has been the longest 26 days of my life, but it gets easier to not contact her everytime. Next week I will change my phone number, and then she will only have my email if she ever tries to contact me. I still cry every two days, even after 2 months of the break up. But I'm trying to get a grip of my life again. Yesterday was a hard day becaue it was so cold and dark, it reminded me of how lonely I am in this foreign country. I did miss her a lot, but in the night I talked with someone who lifted up my mood.

 

I still don't know what to do if she writes to me.

[Tilly]

Back home had a couple of moments today where I missed him immensely. I really wish I want to contact him and be give him what for... I want to ask him why he says he wants to work us out and yet has walked away from me and not bothered to contact me or make any form of effort to make us work Grrr....

[gone]

I've come to realize that the only way to truly get over my ex is to no longer have feelings for him.

 

I spent a lot of time (and energy) feeling hurt and angry. I went through all kinds of thoughts and feelings. Yes, what happened to me was unfair. It was deeply unfair, and for a while, I wanted an apology, I wanted somehow for it to have not happened. This was natural. But now, I realize that underneath all that hurt and fury is the staple that kept me in it - my feelings for him. Once I don't have them anymore, I will truly be free. It's probably not something I have control over, but I realize that grief is inevitable and, welcomed.

[LostinMidwest]

Day 14 of NC. The past 10 days I've been pretty good. Today I'm just angry.

[Tilly]

Day 9

 

Had to leave work early today as on a verge of a breakdown. Was putting all ex's stuff in spare room and found a letter he had written to me years ago. That was it complete breakdown have not contacted him but feel I need closure.

 

I know I need to move on from him but I don't know if I can. Really need some love right now.

[gone]

Guess what, people? I have a wonderful update to make.

 

10 weeks ago, my ex walked out of my life, this being 6 months after I dumped him for treating me poorly during the time we lived together. During that 6 months, I asked for reasonable change. He failed to show me he would validate my perspective, much less change, all the while he tried to get me to be with him again. I still loved him, but I was not about to put myself back into a situation that lacked compromise. I truly DID feel shattered, as this was the person I thought I'd marry. I was all sorts of confused, sad, and beside myself knowing there was nothing more *I* could do to change the situation for the better. I decided to focus on myself, but once he did finally disappear (10 weeks ago), I was hit with a second wave of grief at the sudden loss of him from my life.

 

I had trouble understanding how to move on, and I did not picture myself developing feelings for someone else. But I worked steadily to understand what happened between us, and in this way...I provided myself with closure.

 

It has been mostly NC for the last 10 weeks - with one interruption from him - which showed me I was still in the Anger Phase. But, I am moving out of the Anger Phase and I have L E T G O.

 

It feels wonderful! Amazing! Terrific! Reviving! I am ecstatic to have my self and my life back! I feel so content and happy. Just 10 weeks ago, I was crying regularly and feeling grief-stricken and really crappy, even having trouble sleeping. I thought it would never end, because it never did...while we were in contact. And now, I am my self again, and I am SO HAPPY. You can be, too. Maybe this should be a 10-week NC thread? They say 90 days is the ticket...I did it in 75. It's amazing! Like going to the spa for your soul. Give yourself 75 days, people!

[iamtheprize]

It's over a month post breakup. So may setbacks. Today is her birthday. I still miss her more than I've ever missed another person in my life. I won't contact her. I care about her too much to upset her on her day.

 

I still feel like I'm living a nightmare. The last time I saw her gave me so much hope. It was cruel of her. I feel like I'm stuck in this grief and it's scary.

[BitterSweet12]

It will be exactly two months tomorrow......... I've been trying to be really strong. Hoping for full recovery but it's still difficult to adjust.

[eurikarey]

Seriously?? I am reading an story written 5 years ago??

[eurikarey]

haha! am I in the right section i think i'm kinda lost here

[uhuru]

Day one. I can do this.

[trying2bestrng]

I'm not under any illusion that we will reconcile. I'm just use to him being around. I've done this no contact challenge before and worked on so many different levels.

I'm the one being ignored. I sent some horrible text today just to get a rise. Surprisingly it didn't work. He ignored me.

 

So now it's time to salvage what's left of my dignity and back off. I'm tired of this crap. Not looking forward to this healing process. Wish I could fast forward!