uhuru

Day one. I can do this.

I have made so many terrible mistakes that all I want to do is beg and plead for forgiveness. I want to get down on my knees and profess my eternal love. I want to camp by your doorstep and protect you from imaginary threats. I want to live in denial because the possibility of you moving on with another man makes me feel crazy with jealousy. It would be so easy to just give up and look for another girl. I know however that this would simply be a rebound relationship that would be loveless and without passion. It would only be about sex and that's not what I want anymore. Sex without love is meaningless and only leads to guilt. I want to send you a million messages to show you that: a. I miss you terribly. b. I can't bear the thought of you moving on. Please don't move on. Cling to the hope of reconciling with your emotionally abusive ex. c. My life has no value without you. d. I'm ready to sacrifice my confidence, masculinity, self-respect and all the other things that you loved about me just to get you back. I won't do it, though. I know that it will only push you away even further. I know that you will reject me if you think that I've become a pathetic, depressed excuse of the man who used to make love to you. I will be patient and long-suffering. I will NOT contact you for at least a month. This will give us both time to meditate on the relationship and come to the inevitable conclusion that we can not live without each other, we can only exist. If you decide to move on then so be it. I know that you will come back because you loved me enough to help me overcome my alcoholism and other negative things I was doing. You loved me at my worst. You gave yourself to me when everyone else had given up. You put up with my withdrawal symptoms and eventually assisted me to grow into a respectable man. I did not appreciate your efforts, I took you for granted and forgot the value you added to my life. As a result, you left. Now you can't move on because our connection is just too strong. My love, take your time. Forgive and forget the sins of the past. Remember how loving, supportive and understanding I can be. Remember how we could have endless amounts of fun just spending the whole day indoors together. Remember how it felt to have me deep inside you searching for your heart and soul in our dance of lovers. It will be so much better to make love when we've both transformed ourselves because all the emotional baggage will be lost forever. It will not even be recalled to mind. We'll both be more mature, committed and principled in our dealings with each other. You are my lover, best friend, confidant, soul mate; my committed and faithful wife, forever.

Annie, I'm sorry for all the emotional abuse I've heaped on you over the past few months. I'm sorry for insulting you yesterday. That was so gross. It's true, jealousy is a green eyed monster. They say there's no such thing as a soul mate. Today I choose to believe in the that fact we're soul mates. I choose to believe that you and I are destined to be together. I choose to believe that we can't live without each other, we can only exist. Thus, as of today, I will no longer text, call, e-mail or contact you in any way. It is not a sign of rejection. It is a sign of respect for your need to heal from all the abuse. We will laugh about this just before we walk down the aisle. Be safe, my love. Don't look so devastated. Stop isolating yourself into depression. As you heal the wounds of emotional abuse, I will be busy healing my troubled mind by engaging in self-improvement, Bible study, career building activity, visits to the gym and many more positive endeavours. When we go for our first date, you will be blown away not by how I look but by how much better I treat you. You are my true love and no amount of reasoning will convince me otherwise. Today I choose to believe that love always finds a way. Today I choose to believe in us. Goodnight my dove.