THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[kennyc90]

Day 44

 

I was up since 12am today. I am SOOO tired lol. After I write this, I'm passing out. Man work was such a lonnnnng day today. I need to get through these days. Life is great when I'm off and doing my own thing. Even though I was really tired today, I ended up going to the gym to work out. It was a good workout so tomorrow I should be pretty sore. I get paid tonight so I'm looking forward to seeing my hard earned money tomorrow.

 

As for my ex, I'm so tired at the moment that I refuse to even think about her! I just wanna sleep!! Haha I just feel great after every workout. Alright well I wish the best of luck with everyone! Goodnight fellas!!

[thekid55]

Kennyc, you needa have your own thread. You gotta alotta fans in here

[piruru]

I hardly know who she has now become and don't really want that person in my life. Moving on can be so hard, no?

 

So true. We don't miss the person that dumped us, just the person they were at the beginning of the relationship. If we just accepted the fact that the person we loved didn't exist anymore, we'd be a lot better off. sometimes we blame ourselves and think it was all our fault that we changed to the point where they couldn't love us anymore, but what if it was both people that changed?

 

Day 4.

 

Today was really hard. I think I went back a step in my progress. At night, I was suddenly angry and shocked again that the ex could actually dump me. I mean, who did he think he was? I had given and accepted so much crap from him... How DARE he do this to me?!? Kept busy with work and even though I didn't feel like eating, I made myself eat well today. I am using this time to catch up on the things I missed out on and enjoyed (watching movies, spending time with friends and family, etc) because I was too busy losing myself with the ex.

[perio]

Almost 3 months

 

There is a book called "Uncoupling" that i hve found very helpful. It really describes the dynamics of both sides and the stages we go through. It speaks to a process of redefining "relationship, Self and Other".

 

piruru.

Your post got me thinking about that.

 

I find myself "redefining" my ex and our relationship. I think I was so happy to have the loving feelings that I thought I may have lost forever, that I projected them onto my ex. Maybe I loved the way I felt around her mor than her, herself. In anycase, I dont find myself upset or emotional about the breakup anymore. I wish her the best and hope she is doing well. I am sure she make the best decision for her at this time in her life and that means that it was also the best decision for me as well. The company of my new girfriend is amazing. It was a friendship that has taken a fomantic turn. I did not run into her arms. It just kind of fell into place. Things are going well. There is good comunication and no drama. It feels good to be at peace. I still dont understand the breakup but have accepted it. I am a fixer and problem solver by nature so I can get caught up in an effort to understand rather than just flowing with it.

[Ryankeith]

I broke NC today. She kept texting me over and over, so finally this morning I called her. We talked for about an hour and over the course of the conversation she reiterated several times about how much she didn't want to be with me. It hurt so badly. I asked her why she had continued to contact me so often. She replied that she wanted to let me know she was still thinking about me.

 

Does this make sense to anyone else? Is she just trying to play games with me?

 

I have known her for 7 years and we have dated for 4 of them. I honestly thought she would be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. Now she has been spending A LOT of time with another guy even though she keeps repeating that she doesn't want to be with him or have a BF in general. I'm scared that she is trying to stay in contact with me as some sort of fail safe. In case she is trying with someone new and if things don't work out between them she can fall back on me. I hate to even type that she would do such a thing, but I can't help but think it. Am I wrong here? When I ask about this other guy she immediately becomes irate saying she can't believe I keep asking about them or asking if they have slept together. I honestly don't know why I even bother because whether she is with him or not, the bottom line is that she doesn't want me anymore. I am so devastated. I can't help but always think about her or constantly look back on our pictures and videos together. I really thought she was the one.

 

The reason I think it hurts so terribly is because I am losing the love of my life, but also my best friend for the past 7 years. I am beyond heartbroken and she acts as if everything in her life is great. I don't understand. There has to be some reason or meaning in all of this doesn't there? I can't seem to find it no matter how hard I look. The more I ask her or talk to her about it the more she pushes me away. Oh well, back to NC I go I suppose.

[kennyc90]

Kennyc, you needa have your own thread. You gotta alotta fans in here

 

Haha yeah? I would it's just that I'm not sure if I could actually keep up with it. I usually don't log on until right before I sleep lol. Hmm we'll see

[kennyc90]

Day 45

 

I felt really groggy this morning for some reason. Dengg work went by slowww again lol. Maybe it's because I just want to get off. Half of the crew already went on vacation today. My roommate already left for Colorado. He'll be back on the 27th of December. I'm leaving on the 30th of December. I hope there isn't too much to do at work since half of the crew is pretty much gone.

 

After work, me and my buddy decided to go out to eat at Rubios. I usually don't eat out anymore because I'm on a healthy plan right now. I eat at least 6 meals a day. It's insane haha. I'm gaining weight and my physique is slowly changing into something I've never been in before. I went to do some sprints today and wow the workout totally destroyed my core. I need to rest..

 

My ex.. I didn't think about her too much today. It's so weird because I'll be in such a great mood and out of nowhere, I would get a flashback of a bad memory and I almost break down. I'm slowly getting better at handling those situations. I learned to accept that I love her. She may be with someone else at the moment, I don't know, but I just love her. I just need to do my own thing right now and respect her space. I'm slowly improving as an individual.

 

Alright well I really gotta go to sleep. Good luck fellas! I'll be back on tomorrow! Goodnight..

[piruru]

perio -- Thanks for recommending that book. I think I may have to hunt it down. It seems like it would be a great help right now.

 

Day 5

 

Apologies to everyone for my giant journal entries clogging up the space... but it feels so good to get them out so they can stop tormenting me

 

Thankfully, I was busy all day today and had no time to really sit and mourn. It started with an exam in the morning and I ended up staying up all night studying for it. I then had to show my house to potential sharemates. Unfortunately, no matter how busy I was, the ex kept creeping into my mind. I remember that he used to bring me coffee in a thermos to help me stay up and study the night before my exams. He used to send text messages in the morning wishing me luck too. TT_TT Remembering this makes me wanna cry a little bit

 

I got a dog today. A little male chihuahua to keep me company. Sadly, I got reminded of my ex too. I used to have another chihuahua and before she died, my ex used to carry her around whenever he went outside and really liked to play with her. My new dog is very cute though -- at least I will have somebody to spend the holiday season with!!!

 

In general, I think I did pretty well today in terms of ~feelings~ about the ex and learning to be myself again. But like always, the nights are the worst. I find myself replaying what happened between us on "that day" over and over, trying to rationalise what went wrong. Trying to understand how a normal date between a couple could escalate so uncontrollably. I keep thinking about the "what ifs." What if I held my tongue and just shut up? What if instead of reacting to his seriousness, I played it light? What if I didn't slap him and ruin everything? I guess the result is the same: if it didn't happen then, it would happen eventually. I'm still so frustrated with it all though.

 

I succumbed to temptation today and stalked one of his social networking pages. Was surprised to find that he has since set everything on his page to private.The background music on his page brought back a wave of memories of time spent together -- in his car, at his house, just chilling out listening to music together. I found myself unable to turn it off. I'm still listening to it as I type this. Pathetic, really. I'm still clinging onto any semblance of memory or connection with him when he has thrown everything away already.

 

He still hasn't made any effort to contact me after all this time. I guess 5 days NC is not that long, but emotionally, it has been an eternity. Official NC from him has been 17 days. I guess he is doing it for both of us, because I refuse to believe that all that time we spent together was nothing. If it was nothing, how come I can't let go of it? To think, I don't think I even realised that I loved him and kept thinking that he wasn't what I wanted at all.

 

The other alternative of why he is doing what he is doing is that he really is "sick and tired" of me, like he told me that night. His harsh words keep repeating in my head and continue to crush whatever semblance of self-esteem I had just built up. He's a jerk, but the words still sting.

 

"Crazy"

"sick and tired of you"

"I just can't handle being with you anymore"

"Please just let me go"

"Taking you home is the most polite thing I can do for you now"

"I've seen these kinds of people in the movies and stuff, but I had no idea it could happen to me"

"You still think I never tried, don't you?"

"I am honestly not sure if I can be friends with you."

"Please get out of the car."

 

It hurts all over again. Now it's my turn to be unsure whether I can be friends with him. I find that the longer NC goes on, the more I resent my ex.

 

My sharemate told me I'd lost a lot of weight recently. I ended up spilling my guts for the first time to her about what happened with the ex. She had no idea, but was understanding.

 

I feel sad

[Ryankeith]

Day 2

 

Going in reverse is even more depressing. After I contacted her early yesterday, I sent her two texts throughout the day but she never responded. I wanted to call her again this morning but decided not to. Right now I don't even miss my girlfriend, I miss my best friend who has been absent as well since she was both of these things to me. I find myself wanting to tell her all the little insignificant things we used to always talk about together.

 

I miss being able to talk to her.

I miss being able to see her beautiful face.

I miss being able to touch her olive skin.

I miss being able to brush her hair out of her eyes and tuck it safely behind her ears.

I miss her laugh.

I miss her scent.

I miss her smile.

I miss the joy that she used to bring to me everyday.

I miss hearing her say "I love you".

I miss her kindness.

I miss her caring.

I miss her.

 

I'm sorry if this is really depressing sounding, but to be honest I feel pretty depressed. I will continue to trust that God has a plan for my life and will not leave me during these trials.

[iwannarun]

You're doing just fine. The depressed feeling will go away after awhile (I know it seems like it won't, but after 2 months of being broken up I don't get in a depressed mood anymore) and you'll be good. I still miss everything about my ex too. We just have to move forward and realize that if our exes really cared about us, they still miss all those things too. Being ignored by an ex sucks; we've all been there. Just keep posting here!

[felix29]

Ryankeith,

 

I know exactly how you feel. I could relate to everything you said about what you miss about your girlfriend. I know you are feeling really depressed right now, but I just wanted to let you know that everyone on this forum has gone through that post-breakup depression. So just to reiterate, you're not alone and most importantly, we are here to help.

 

I'm 2 weeks into NC (after I broke a 3 week NC before that) and I'm feeling SO much better now. Allow yourself to grieve but please make sure you are taking care of yourself. You're doing the right thing in taking this NC because you can focus on loving yourself again. I didn't realize how important it was until recently.

 

Even though my breakup saddens me, I realized that it was necessary for me to grow as a person. I realized I didn't truly love myself. Now that I'm single, I plan on focusing on my career, working out so I have a crazy body, and becoming a better/caring person.

 

The first 2-3 weeks of NC are gonna be really rough. Days seem like months. Then you'll start noticing that days become weeks. Then before you know it, you have your life back and you won't be thinking about your ex as much.

 

Stay strong man, there's a very bright light at the end of this tunnel.

[kennyc90]

Day 46

 

I'm so tired right now. Today I prepared a lot of food for tomorrow because I have some sort of potluck at work. Me and my buddy decided to make sushi and teriyaki chicken. The whole process was pretty fun, but it was such a pain to clean up. I'm just ready to go to bed. I even went to the gym to workout so my body is done, totally done.

 

..I wonder if you ever think about me. I think about you every single day. I miss you every single day. I'm not even surprised if you're with someone else now. I just know that I love you. Take care and God bless..

 

Stay strong guys!

[Starrgrl]

Basically three more hours until it's the start of day 12. Sucks I had to start again.

 

Meh. Been doing alright. Can't wait to hit 30 and 60 and then 100

I can do it. Yes I cannnnnnnnnn.

[Ryankeith]

Day 3

 

iwannarun and felix 29,

 

thank you for the kind words. There is a great level of comfort knowing that some have experienced what I am now and they have made it through.

 

I have known this girl for 7 years and dated her for 4. Part of me is still in complete shock and I find myself often saying, "this isn't happening" or "this isn't real". I want to move on and get over her because the pain I feel is beyond horrible. At the same time I don't want to get over this girl because I am still in love with her. I keep waiting for her to 'wake up' and realize that we are supposed to be together. After everyday that passes, the reality of it all sinks in just a bit more. She IS gone. She IS not coming back.

 

I would give anything, and I mean anything, to relive one of the many perfect days that we shared together. I have never missed anyone more in my entire life than at this very moment.

[perio]

3 months today

 

A lot changes in 3 months if you can get out of the way of your emotions. I mean to sit with those feelings, label them, "objectify" them, and then let them go. I refuse to let this define me. Changes happen faster than I expected. I trust that my ex is doing the right thing for herself at this point in her life. I realize that its not what happens to you that defines you but how you choose to respond that defines you. I have read 6-7 books in the last 3 months, exercised more and engaged my friends much more. I keep reminding myself of all that I am geeatful for, including my time with my ex. She is a lovely person and I wish her all the best.

[piruru]

Ryankeith, you are being very strong. Take a moment and commend yourself for that. You are doing well. Sometimes you feel empty all the way to your very core. Sometimes you feel like you can't carry on anymore. The pain of missing her hits you and hurts so bad that you don't know what to do with yourself. Other days will not be as bad. It's a gradual process. But like felix29 said, you are not alone. We are all here in various stages of getting ourselves back together and moving on. You WILL make it through this, even when it seems like you can't possibly do it. We just have to take each day as it comes. Each day that we are still here is a victory for us and we need to pat ourselves on the back for getting through it. Even though it seems so hard and almost impossible to get over her, the one thing that is on our side is time. Sure, time is annoying in that it moves so slowly (more than ever before in these times), but it never stops or goes back -- only forward. Even if we cannot change a damn thing about ourselves, time will interfere and change it for us, little by little. In this sense, everyday is progress. So go easy on yourself, look after yourself to the best you can and trust that it will happen. Heck, that's all we really can do at this point, isn't it? Just a gradual acceptance that we can't change things anymore

 

I also found it interesting that you said at times you don't really want to get over this girl, yet you know deep down that you will eventually. I feel exact same way with my ex, but I never realised it until now.

 

Day Six

 

Can't believe I've made it this far. This is amazing to me. I thought I would break down and call him every day. Seems I still have a little dignity left!! Yay!!!

 

Today was bad in that I was really depressed and couldn't get out of bed until I had something really, REALLY important to do. When I immersed myself in the task at hand, I never thought of the ex at all. Awesome. Hope this continues.

 

I've begun to set little goals for myself. I only allow myself to consciously think of the ex for a couple of hours at night, during my down time while I post my daily journals. At any other time if he comes up in my thoughts, I will mentally kick him out and force myself to think of other things. It seems to be working pretty well. But sometimes I miss him so much that I allow my thoughts to linger for just a little while longer, so I can feel his presence in my life for just a little bit more. I'm clinging onto my feelings for him, oh God.

 

I conquered a mental block today. That is, I had recently started to stop using the things he gave me (specifically clothes) because I had associated them with bad memories. I have made a conscious decision not to stop using these things simply because of the bad memories. I refuse to allow him to have this kind of negative impact on my life.

 

I've begun to think of NC as the only option left for me. I've begun to understand that for each part that I feel temporarily relieved at being able to contact him, I feel doubly worse because that's another notch lost of my dignity and self-respect. He will lose respect for me too for not respecting his wishes. Not only that, after the phone call I tend to feel pretty humiliated and ashamed. I've humiliated myself enough times in this relationship -- it's not something I can just let slip anymore. I owe it to myself to live well so that I can hold my head up high again. I am done with being treated poorly, working hard to wear myself thin and then coming back for another slap in the face. The break up was a real wake up call for me. How had I managed to subject myself to this for so long? It was mostly my own fault (not nonchalant enough! Smothering!) but still. I had no confidence to break it off sooner. He did me a favour by doing this.

 

I wasn't ready for this relationship in the first place. It just happened, and I was too scared to call it off when it progressed way too quickly.

 

Lesson learnt: Don't get into a relationship until you are 100% ready and recovered. Otherwise you are just hurting yourself and others.

Another lesson learnt: Don't ever take a relationship too seriously, regardless what the other person says and regardless what seems the normal thing to do. Not all relationships should be treated the same way. Don't go steady if it doesn't feel right. You will get hurt and only make things worse.

 

Lastly, as always, I still miss him. Not a lot, but enough. I miss being intimate with him. I miss having sex with him, even though we never really connected emotionally during those times. I miss the hand-holding. I miss his bad kissing, even. I don't know what I miss and what I think I miss anymore. It scares me that I might not miss him anymore. I'm kind of terrified to forget what he meant to me.

 

Next week is my birthday. I doubt he remembers or even knows what day it is but I still hold a little flame of hope in my heart. Let's see what happens.

 

... oh God, it's an essay. I'm so sorry for this TT_TT

[Starrgrl]

Day 12.

 

Was feeling good until I saw that ex emailed.

I started almost hyperventilating. Cried for a min.

Feel helpless.

 

 

Still gonna continue. Everything got destroyed bc of him. And yet he asks me why I played mind games on him?

 

Why is he still doing this to me? Making me out to be the bad guy.

I'm over it. So effing over this.

[kennyc90]

Day 47

 

I'm at work right now and ready to go to sleep here in about an hour. Today was probably one of the best duty days I have ever had. I don't really feel like writing much. I haven't really thought about my ex today. Usually on Fridays, I always think about what she's doing but today I held pretty strong and kept my mind off things. So yeah.. I guess not much going for me right now.

[Glowguy]

I accept the challenge. Day 1.

 

I'm feeling lots of anger and resentment over the way she treated me. The first day was really hard and I am glad she is giving me space and not trying to contact me again as I am afraid I might cave in. She did text me about missing me and feeling alone the day after she left, but I kept the responses short and told her I've put her things aside and they are waiting for her when she wants them. I've also had some feelings of relief but they are very brief. It's just me and the dog now and this place seems so empty.

[rpizzel]

today after 34 days of no contact i sent her a facebook message....i miss her so much...it hurts me alot inside...it was casual...her bday is coming up and i tried to be alittle bit flirty...i know shes gonna read it and not think anything of it...she will most likely ignore it...weve been broken up for almost 6 months now...3.5 year relationship...it will be 6 months on our 4 year anniversary. it stinks so bad...i can still remember the last time i held her in my arms like it was yesterday. i can still remember the last time i kissed her. everything like it just happened...if only she knew the type of man i have now become and everything i would do for her. i would stop at nothing to make her happy. if only she could make my dreams come true. if only.

[marsbars]

Day 1 taking on this challenge. Day 8 of NC. Once the 28 day period is over ... who knows ... I may not feel like contacting him again EVER. Game on!

[Starrgrl]

Day 13.

 

It's not too hard. I'm determined to move on completely and be happy.

[Glowguy]

Day 2

 

Got a short email this morning: "imissyou". I felt ok for most of the day but now at the end of the night I'm feeling pretty miserable. My plans fell through because of the weather and my friends didn't make it into town so I stayed inside all day. I resorted to cleaning the apartment and reading to stay busy but I'm going a little stir crazy. I can't be staying inside on the weekends anymore. Hopefully I can get out tomorrow and at least do some xmas shopping to get my mind off of things.

 

We had so many shared interests and I just don't see myself finding someone who connects with me the way she did. I'm just happy I'm going home to see my family over Christmas otherwise I don't know how I would get through this. Four more days to go until I leave. Jesus, I'm actually looking forward to work.

[perio]

Hang in there everyone!

It does get better. It really does.

[piruru]

For marsbar and Glowguy who've both just started the challenge, good luck to you both!! You can do it!

 

Day 7

 

I was supposed to post this yesterday but ended up spending the night at someone else's place so that I wouldn't have be in my room again. Basically, I was alright for the whole day, keeping busy and bought myself a new pair of shoes to celebrate independence... until I went out to dinner at the place with the jazz band. I had wanted to go there with him for months since he loves jazz. I ended up going by myself with a friend. Initially I was fine until I had a couple of drinks and started getting emotional because he didn't contact me after a week of NC. I missed him so much that I cried a little, but I was in public so I didn't allow myself too much time to grieve. I guess it wasn't really that I missed him. More that I had trouble giving up on the future I had envisioned with him (big mistake, I know). The pretty pictures I had painted for myself were now just pictures of me alone and he was no longer in there. He had chosen to leave.

 

I ended up sleeping at my friend's place because I was too drunk to go home. It helped to be outside of the room that we had spent so much time together in. At the same time, it made me really sad. Giving up on so many nice things. We were going to go travel together early this year. He was going to show me around all the wonderful places he has been. France. Italy. Greece. Morocco. I also felt bad because I doubt I will ever meet a guy that will be as fascinating to me as he was. He taught me how to appreciate beauty. He taught me how to look beyond the norm.

 

Unfortunately, he couldn't appreciate the beauty in me, nor could he look beyond what had become my norm. I always feel like he never really even knew me.

 

Still having trouble giving up the dreams. The future that has disappeared.

 

Day 8

 

Had a dream with the ex. In the dream, it had been a few months or so after we broke up. We met up for coffee for the first time as "friends." I played it cool and everything, until I find out that he has reconciled with his former best friend, who hates me. (They went their separate ways in the first place because his best friend hated me too much to stay friends with him.) I felt so betrayed for some reason. I started saying all these angry, mean words that I did not intend, along the lines of "Oh, I knew it!" and "I told you so!!" He was visibly hurt. End of the dream? I realise exactly why we can never get together again: I keep making the same goddamn mistakes. I keep criticising him, blaming him and being too blunt. Even my sense of humour is sarcastic, which is not always appreciated in a girlfriend. I don't know. I'm glad he broke up with me because I have so many things that I need to work on myself. On the other hand, I'm still so resentful and sad that he dumped me. Just the blow to the ego.

 

I kept busy by doing some gardening, repairs around the house, etc. I also had dinner with my share-mate. Ended up spilling more details about the ex. She was never home, so she didn't get to see him. She just heard about him a lot. My other share-mate chipped in that he was handsome. It depressed me further. I NEED TO THINK THAT HE IS AN ABSOLUTE STEAMING PILE OF CRAP IN ORDER TO GET OVER HIM, DAMMIT. Kept talk about ex to minimum, so as not to bore out my share-mates or freak them out.

 

What I really don't understand is: I never even really liked him all that much. I didn't really like him that much, but I saw myself having/doing great things with him. I do not like him all that much, yet I cannot seem to get over him, and he is already over me. Break ups just suck like that.

 

It has been a full week of NC. He has not made any moves to contact me. My head is telling me that that is my cue to stop pining over him and holding onto any kind of hope that we can rekindle our relationship. My heart, however, refuses to listen and remains hopeful that it can't be that bad.

 

I really don't want to, but I'm starting to get used to the idea of not having him in my life and the idea that I may never see him ever again.