THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[bitebenot]

I know what you guys are saying... And I agree... I won't really try to be her friend or anything, but I don't want her to think I hate her... And I know it's definitely too soon for reconciliation... But, from all of the things I've read here, I seems like at some point you have to shift from complete NC to a little LC... I'm saying, I won't contact her further after emailing her, I'll go right back to NC... but if she thinks I hate her, she definitely won't be looking to get back together.

 

No no no ! Who cares what she thinks ! She dumped you for another man !

You're not using your brain right now because you are so desperate ! No LC...no emails...no phone...no fb or msn,yahoo. NC and thats it ! Let her miss you by becoming a ghost ! Desappear completely ! The only ones that i saw who had success applied the NC to a " T " ! Let her think that you no longer care,its the best recipe ! You wont get a second chance at it. Right now she knows she can have you back at any time,thats not good at all ! Dont answer emails or phone calls. Just listen to the messages..if its not about reconciliation and the new guy has been dumped you keep ignoring her !

But then again its your choice !

Look at the post 4799 It took him 4 months of NC before he got his ex back !

[TSandullo]

If he misses you or not.. you shouldnt even care ! I was also replaced ...it doesnt make me a lesser man. I was to good for her,thats it ! Its time for you to get out and seriously search for the right love and not losing time on that wimp ! I never saw anyone crying over a garbage bag at the curb before. Use your pride and proceed.

 

golden advice again from bitebenot. thanks again. Everytime you post, another blast of wussiness goes flying out of me. I love it.

 

HEHEHE ! LOXXT is turning into a women of steel ! TRYING,listen to her,shes totally right !

 

Yah girl! you rock! Inspirational to everyone! Keep up the good stuff! I have learnt a lot from your experiences and words too.

 

^.^ just sharing what I've learned. Glad I'm being helpful!

 

Goddamn modesty! *Spanks Loxxt*

 

 

I just wanna thank everyone else here again. I don't have the net at home so can only read on my phone (and rinse credit like that!). I have specially logged on here at the net cafe just to respond to all the stuff I've been reading on the bus the past half hour.

 

bitebenot, Loxxt, everyone else. Thanks.

 

TS

[bitebenot]

I am still amazed that i can listen to love songs again !

I was listening to Jean Ferrat " c est beau la vie " ! He died a couple of days ago. Listen to it...yes i know its french (like me) but try it, its awsome ! An excellent poem. Its on youtube

[Loxxt]

I know what you guys are saying... And I agree... I won't really try to be her friend or anything, but I don't want her to think I hate her... And I know it's definitely too soon for reconciliation... But, from all of the things I've read here, I seems like at some point you have to shift from complete NC to a little LC... I'm saying, I won't contact her further after emailing her, I'll go right back to NC... but if she thinks I hate her, she definitely won't be looking to get back together.

 

Okay first off don't try at all to be her friend. Go complete NC unless you come to a point where u KNOW you don't want her back. Okay she should think ur not okay with her being with someone else. She hurt and disrespectedly you to the fullest. She needs to be scared of losing you, so don't make contact just cuz you think she'll think you hater her or walk away. She might think you're mad, get worried and send a message... Which, guess what, she did! Unless she says she left him and truly acts desperate saying she loves you, to talk to her, don't hate her, don't leave her, etc. DO NOT reply. At this point LC is merited. Keep your cool. At this point you could say something like you care for her but right now you need to heal and can't have her as a friend. Believe me, getbiii's posts really prove this method works. Unless she's a total fool and wimpy willing to just walk away cuz she's scared she'll make contact and a lot of it cuz she doesn't want you out of her life. Mines not being as desperate as getbiii's ex but he's expressed wanting to meet as friends and wanting my support and just yesterday said he wanted to talk. This is weaksauce, sorry to say but not worth your time of day. Right now you're still dealing with this and her saying that is her doing as little as possible to lure you in. When that doesn't work she'll start trying harder. If not, like I said she's just quick to give up and wimpy, in which case do you want to do all the chasing? You'll be chasing her and feeding of every scrap she gives until one day you decide this is bullsh*t. At which time you'll go NC again and truly move on leaving her alone to panic or possibly not care because you were around to help her ease off you slowly. Sooooo.... NC!!! Only go LC if you're really not wanting to get back together (which would honestly take months, maybe a year, so probably not right now-not even close) or if she goes above and beyond to keep you around. Answer her but very limited like I said previously. Honestly this site has saved my sanity and helped me avoid sabotaging my recovery. Use it! There's plenty of people here to help you and who've been exactly where you are. It's only been 3 months. My ex has expressed strong feelings of wanting to keep me as a friend (to which I say nay!) and confusing messages about regretting leaving. Give it time. Contact will only hurt you in the long run believe me, I know it's hard cuz you want to make sure they don't hate you and you still love them but right now they're with someone else. They dumped us for someone else and the best thing for us to heal and them to experience the full effect of their choices is to dump them back! Good luck, stay strong.

[Loxxt]

I am still amazed that i can listen to love songs again !

I was listening to Jean Ferrat " c est beau la vie " ! He died a couple of days ago. Listen to it...yes i know its french (like me) but try it, its awsome ! An excellent poem. Its on youtube

 

Ah francais, la langue d'amour. peut-être je vais l'ecoutee

 

At first I couldn't even watch people kissing in movies. Made me want to cry. I watched The Ugly Truth yesterday and it made me laugh and excited to find someone else. Time, strong will and clear understanding of the situation does wonders for the soul.

 

A bientot, bite. Glad to hear you're doing better!

[TryingVeryHard]

Like I'm saying... I know where you guys are coming from... And I have no intentions with just being friends with her... I just feel like I should say SOMETHING... because she has contacted me a few times without me saying anything at all... But this is the first one that actually implies that she might be starting to miss me... I'm just saying maybe I'll say something like, "nice to hear from you, We'll talk someday.."

 

I really doubt that she would want to get back together without some kind of discourse, anyway. You don't spend a few months apart and then want to start to get back together without seeing if the person you left is still some one you love... Just sayin..

[NsKrewtable]

Day 1 Haven't been on here in a while, knew she was coming by today to get the rest of her things. I more or less didn't say a thing, just helped her with what was left. She wanted to know why I was being such an ass. I prolly was, I didn't want her here, plus to me that cemented the break-up. Whole time she keep trying to get me to say I was gonna call her, or eventually hang-out....once again trying to friendzone me. I didn't answer yes or no, getting kinda old at this point. Either you want me as I was, or don't bother. Don't try and string me along and make it easier for yourself.... When she went to leave she said "I don't even get a hug?". So I hugged her, and she just held me there then kissed my cheek when I finally ended it. Ugh, WtheF. I don't know what that means, prolly nothing, but it's hard enough to see her. Then I have to suck that * * * * up on top of it. I just want this to be over with, I want reason back in my life. I'm tired of racking my brain over piddly things, the emotional roller coaster, and more than anything I just wish I could let this go. The hope is killing me. It's like this whole process go's against everything you really want to do. I want her back and the only way to MAYBE do that is to not want her back? Pretend like I don't want her back? That's like saying I would love to win a billion dollars, and then saying I don't want it just because I more than likely will never get it. That just doesn't make sense, I'm always going to want that and I'm always gonna want her. Ah, well I'm ranting like usual, so * * * * it....on to the next day

[1guygirl]

Like I'm saying... I know where you guys are coming from... And I have no intentions with just being friends with her... I just feel like I should say SOMETHING... because she has contacted me a few times without me saying anything at all... But this is the first one that actually implies that she might be starting to miss me... I'm just saying maybe I'll say something like, "nice to hear from you, We'll talk someday.."

 

I really doubt that she would want to get back together without some kind of discourse, anyway. You don't spend a few months apart and then want to start to get back together without seeing if the person you left is still some one you love... Just sayin..

 

i can see in your post where i was...

 

if you must say something tell her you dont hate her but YOU need some space to heal and move on and tell her youre going NC...i did that with my ex and it has been a big blessing. hes respected my wishes and no more texts about how he didnt wanna wash the jumper i sent back *cos i wore it and my hair was all over it* ...sounds nice at first until you see it for what it is..NOWT!...wel nowt really meaningful anyway

 

are you ready to tell her youre going NC?

[1guygirl]

rant away cos we al jus wanna feel indifference - it dont work like that tho -letting go comes with time apparently, yet every fibre in me right now jus wants to reach out but im heeding my logic...we are broke for a reason.

 

sometimes all you can do is be the one ex that was dignified and not a d*ck and i know from experience you always always remember them exes with fondness and even wish you'd hung around. i know that seems like peanuts right now but they become pearls in time.

[Animelover6764]

Day 2 - i was walking down the hallway to my class then i saw my ex heading to her class i didn't pay attention so i just kept walking but i glimpsed for a bit to find that one of your eyes (a big kid was behind her) staring at infront of me for a bit but i had to go to class quick but i just walked on.

 

she had a sad look on her face almost when i glimpsed

 

i felt a little bad

 

but oh well that's not my problem

[bitebenot]

Ah francais, la langue d'amour. peut-être je vais l'ecoutee

 

At first I couldn't even watch people kissing in movies. Made me want to cry. I watched The Ugly Truth yesterday and it made me laugh and excited to find someone else. Time, strong will and clear understanding of the situation does wonders for the soul.

 

A bientot, bite. Glad to hear you're doing better!

 

Merci beaucoup !

[Saudade]

Day 11

 

I almost failed on my NC challenge today. He was on his msn and his status said he is sick...I just wanted to know if he was ok...I dont want to seem insensitive. It s been over a week since he broke up with me and it is driving me crazy not knowing about him. But he made his choice. I need to keep on with my goal that is NC. I know that is the best for myself.

 

I think Ive been dying to break the NC most because the last thing I said to him was that 'I hated him for giving me hope for our relationship up to the day he broke up with me'..I was angry and hurt and I didnt mean it. I hope he knows that.

[bitebenot]

Day 11

 

I almost failed on my NC challenge today. He was on his msn and his status said he is sick...I just wanted to know if he was ok...I dont want to seem insensitive. It s been over a week since he broke up with me and it is driving me crazy not knowing about him. But he made his choice. I need to keep on with my goal that is NC. I know that is the best for myself.

 

You wanted to contact him to know if he was ok ? He dumped you remember ?

Does he care how you're doing ? For dumpees no news is good news. I suggest strongly that you erase him from msn and everything else. I dont know anything about my ex for the last five months and thats fine by me.

[1guygirl]

thought this crap was supposed to get easier...3 weeks nc why do i feel its fresh pls? was doing really well last week

 

is this normal..does it get better week 4?

 

hope so...cos he aint worth these feelings, think thats what pisses me off

 

LORD grant me indifference PLEASE!! ffs

 

bite...howay man...giz some pearls of wisdom

[bitebenot]

thought this crap was supposed to get easier...3 weeks nc why do i feel its fresh pls? was doing really well last week

 

is this normal..does it get better week 4?

 

hope so...cos he aint worth these feelings, think thats what pisses me off

 

LORD grant me indifference PLEASE!! ffs

 

bite...howay man...giz some pearls of wisdom

 

Want me to play the violon ? lol..just a joke. Look,even for me after 5 months i still feel a pinch once in a while but i can deal with it. I can tell you for sure that i wont shed a tear anymore. My relationship lasted 5 years. I read in many threads that the healing process takes about 2 months to every year the union lasted. I know that after 1 month the roller coster ride gets easyer. After two months you regain control of your neurons and start to think clearly. What helped me the most is shifting my mind in any other ways and never take time to think of the ex. I wouldnt let myself envision her. I had no more then 3 dreams about the ex. Personally i know i will need 8 months to be free of her. But imagine for a moment how long it would take me if i was in contact with her ! When you give up on them thats when the healing begins. I keep telling myself that i dont care anymore and would never take her back,i mean it tho ! Why care for an ex who is out of love for you ? Moving on is imperative,thats what im doing and it does work !

[FoundYet]

Wow, I cant believe I've just completed 8 weeks of NC.

 

The beginning days were hell. Then came all the ups and downs. Now its slowly evening out. And it helped greatly to post it all here.

 

Didn't think it would work but, Time slowly heals.

[1guygirl]

nah dont bother with the violin LOL...used to play one as a kid and thats quite enough for me

 

bite youre an inspiration on here to so many, and even after 5 months you still pop by. 5 years is a long time with someone so to be free after 8months shows real strength, and i have no doubt that NC is the best thing to do for yourself to heal and get oneself back. im jus glad that the one month stage is in a weeks time...i remember NC few years back and definitely 2 months was a breakthrough, the first month was pretty bad, but then again i was pregnant to boot!

 

foundyet...congrats! i remember you from a few weeks back starting ( i was too but not as strong as breakup fresh) it doesnt even seem like 8 weeks, tho i bet you felt every day ey...i really cant wait til im postin 8 weeks NC!! but i guess alot of self awareness must happen before i catch you up

[inactivecash]

Day 1

 

I'm a wreck, but she has asked for space. I'm not eating, sleeping and I can't concentrate to work either. I just want her back sooo much and hope for the love of god she ends up missing me and calls me.

[redsoles]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder..

[Loxxt]

Week 3-ish, day 20-something.

 

Wrote the ex's mom back. She asked how I was, just said I was good and asked how she was. Deleted the text my ex sent about him wanting to talk, never answered. Weird they both contacted me the same day. I did talk a lot with his mom a week after the split. She was confused and so was I. I was venting and expressing confusion and she was trying to help me feel better and trying to make some sense of what her son's doing.

 

Anyways, ex's mom wrote back asking a few things about work and my pets and giving me a little update on her life. I did write back, never mentioning the ex, keeping it to just small talk. Did mention how I lost a lot of weight cuz of stress and what I was up to. She told me I need to look after my health and I probably look fabulous. Then she said she's happy I'm doing good, she's glad she heard from me and to feel free to talk to her anytime.

 

Doing pretty okay. I think what really bothers me in this situation aside from being hurt is having that bruised ego and the thought of him having fun with someone new not feeling any regret. I know this last bit it my imagination. It's the fear of the unknown and my thoughts running wild that hurts me the most. Having him blocked on facebook and not having literally ANY pictures left helps curb those thoughts. He's probably going just as nuts. He said he didn't want me as an enemy, showed severe amounts of confusion and regret. I know he needs to mature and be happy with himself before I would ever want him back in my life. I don't know if I could ever be aroun him again let alone be his friend. It's not just getting to the point where I don't want him back. I think I'm 70% there. It's the fact that if I be his friend I'm excusing what he did to me and saying it's okay, which I'm not. That was not only the cruelest thing anyone's ever done to me but completely reprehensible. Even if he appologized profusely and literally begged me to be his friend, if he's still with her and fine with that, then it shows he isn't sorry. You don't slap me in the face, say you're sorry then do it again thinking all the while that since you said sorry it makes it okay.

 

The only reason I'd want to be his friend is if he left her and was alone for awhile and then we started talking again. But that would have to be in over a year. Too many variables, too much anger, too much drama.

 

Don't need it, don't want it.

 

People really should think before they act...

[bitebenot]

Day 1

 

I'm a wreck, but she has asked for space. I'm not eating, sleeping and I can't concentrate to work either. I just want her back sooo much and hope for the love of god she ends up missing me and calls me.

 

Hey cheer up ! Been there and back..its a living hell alright. I lost 25 pounds in that ordeal..dont do that ! Use something easy to eat but dont bypass !

If you cant sleep ask a dr to give you sleeping pills..you could use them for a month or two,once every third days or so. You are at the right place for support. I ganrantee you that after a month you will begin to feel much better. Im actually laughing at my situation now. Dont stay alone as much as possible. Go out with friends even if you dont feel like it. Keep busy and exercise if you can..i do and it does help a lot. You will learn how to deal with the roller coster rides ahead of you. It will be tough but you can make it just like we did here. Its a great support group here and stick around when you need it. Whatever you do dont communicate with her,you know the rules and its for your own good. Now do not forget this...ITS YOU FIRST ! Let go of her for now and concentrate on you health.

[bitebenot]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder..

 

You can add this to " out of sight out of mind " !

[TSandullo]

Day 11 – ‘Meeting’ her...and others!

 

Woke up bright an early this morning. Had to get on with some work. After running some errands and bumping into my mom in the bank, made my way to uni. Feeling quite good, sun out and all.

 

Today was the final day of our class presentations. The last group was hers. She was going to present.

She stood in front, the pang inside of me again. She spoke out, nervously at first, then got into a bit of a groove. I paid attention, taking notes. Sadly other classmates weren’t as respectful and chatted throughout.

 

I felt sorry for her. Then again, thats my nice nature again! She dumped me damn it!

Presentations ended and I left the lecture hall to get on with other work. Really busy today. I didn’t text her regarding her presentation like when she did when I gave mine.

Later on after the last lecture of the day....I was going to meet her. And a few others. We have a group report to write up.

 

I got a call from her friend and met with her and the friend. Another friend in our group came (female) by and I teased her and another guy friend who came by. My ex and the others found them funny and at times as I spoke to the others, I saw her looking at me in my peripherals.

 

We made our way to a workspot in a computer lab and I sat down in the middle with my ex to my left and her friend to my right. She (ex) seemed tired and leaned on the bar between the machines, leaning very close to my arm.

 

Things that happened

-She would look at me at times (saw her in peripherals)

-As some point she went for my arm again, I moved away...twice

-She plays with my things on the table

-I made a comment about some random work thing and she made a sweet ‘moaning’ sound- something she used to do when I said something that engaged her emotions

-she gave this look that I have grown familiar with in the past – The type of look as if she wanted to grab and hold onto my arm (btw my arms look muscular and well toned)

-I stayed focus on the machine in front of me while discussing work etc

NOTE: Throughout all of her activity, I ignored everything, even her comments on how she is unwell and that her arm was hurting about something blah blah. The only things I acknowledged were things related to our work.

 

At some point the friend left for a moment.

-My ex looked at me and said “So...how have you been?”, I looked at my phone and said in a teasing manner “It took you an hour to ask me that?!”

-She asked me “...I hope you don’t mind me working in the same group as you”. I replied with “ I haven’t made any complaints so far so lets leave it at that...”

-I didn’t bring up ‘us’ (since there is no us  ) and I certainly did not ask about her guy. I was interested to know how her daughter is but I held back...I am not yet ready to take that conversation path.

 

I kept pointing out the time to her, reminding her when she wanted to leave 

Her friend was like, you want me to leave too?

 

Later on I left the room for a while to help a friend. When I came back, I was a bit out of breath (despite all the gym work) and went back into the lab. Her friend was “you didn’t have to run”, she (my ex)looked at me with an affectionate look again, that look she has given me before when something didn’t go right and she comforts me. I said to her “Don’t worry about me! Get on with the work!”

 

Shortly afterwards, she left with a bye and a wave.

 

I sit here now typing. How do I feel? Great. I think I handled her well, conversation wise and the fact that she was physically so close to me and there was the overwhelming desire to embrace her...

I didn’t have any expectations about her wanting to get back with me, I simply was focused on the work and she just happens to be in my group.

 

Now that she is gone and my other group members have gone, I feel cool. Relaxed, calm. Miss her though and thinking of her, but the initial pain of the breakup has passed.

 

So guys, howdyou all think I handled the situation? Any suggestions for the future encounters? Bear in mind, I do still desire to reconcile though it is most definitely not the end of the world if we don’t. The initial pain of the breakup has gone.

 

Thank everyone.

TS

[TSandullo]

Ah! long post! My bad folks!Got carried away there...again.

 

Loxxt - Doing pretty okay. I think what really bothers me in this situation aside from being hurt is having that bruised ego and the thought of him having fun with someone new not feeling any regret. I know this last bit it my imagination. It's the fear of the unknown and my thoughts running wild that hurts me the most.

 

Remarkable Loxxt. Throughout all my healing period and NC time, this statement you mentioned summarises the lingering feelings daily that has still not left me.

 

Yeah, I know how you feel. In the week that followed the breakup, I looked at other women with a renewed desire for getting into an LTR. I am so glad I did not do this and am glad that I am spending my healing time single.

 

I understand when you mention the bruised ego part, you try to put it out of your mind but the thought of your ex finding joy in the arms of another does keep coming back to you. And then you ask yourself, what you were lacking and begin to compare yourself to the other person. And about regret...well whatever the stark reality, I guess we hope they regret it, be it now or in the future. Sadly some sad cases never do...and they are the ones that suffer and wonder why.

 

It's the fear of the unknown and my thoughts running wild that hurts me the most

 

So so so true. And the fact that I'm generally a creative guy who love writing a lot, my mind makes up a lot of good stuff...and a lot of crap over crap that already exists in my head. And so, when we don't know what are exes are up to (though we try not to think of it) our minds come up with the late night sessions, the morning sessions and the kitchen counter sessions as well as the ring selections...

 

I guess over time, those thoughts will pass. And like another bad moment in our life....looking back years later...it will seem quite insignificant...I wonder if we'll even forget the pain...?

 

TS

[Loxxt]

day 23

 

It's hard to put my finger on how I feel lately. Mostly angry right now, a mix of wanting him to feel my emotional turmoil and wanting to take a bat to his family jewels.

 

I don't know what he's thinking or feeling but I know his life is far from raining lollipops and kittens. Nothing is perfect, so why think they've found what doesn't exist? From down here anything seems like perfection because I'm so low. My distractions are bettering myself. My ex's distractions are a new woman and a new career prospect. I'm getting my life sorted out meanwhile ppl take his new gf and idea to join the army as a joke. I have respect, he has pitty and disgust. I know I gave him everything and he was a spineless man-child who constantly took me for granted and barely responsible. Why should I feel like he's the winner here?