The ex said, " We should meet up"...

[Michael2]

I believe those who have been following my story can offer some advice.

 

My ex, and I have been broken up for about 4 months, 3 months of no contact on my part. During those three months she has called me crying, telling me that she misses me, this and that. She has texted me quite a few times telling me that she misses me.

 

The last time we spoke, which was three weeks ago, I told her that we shouldn't talk. But I joked and said that if she was in a 20-mile radius of my house that she could give me a ring. Well she called me today at work, telling me that she is visiting a friend in the city, thereforeeee she wanted to meet up with me. She wanted to see if she still had feelings for me, or if they were gone.

 

One part of me doesn't want to see her, the other part does. Im not sure what do. The thing is I am not seeing anyone else, but she is. That's the strange thing. She wants to see me because she feels she may have made a mistake.

 

Thanks for listening and responding.

[Athena]

Hi Michael,

I read alot of your posts and your advise to others and just wanted to say that I like your advise, think you are an intelligent, strong person and we are lucky to have you here giving us your thoughts.

 

I'm just going to toss this out there and let you do what you will with it....

 

do you think that someone needs to physically "See" the other person in order to determine if they have feelings for them?

 

-A

[Michael2]

Athena,

 

Thank you for your kind words. I definitely appreciate it.

 

You are right; you don't need to see the person to confirm what feelings you have for them. I guess she just reached me when I was on the lower track of the roller coaster. Unfortunately I still miss her, and to be honest I would like to see her. But at the same time, its as if I would be playing with fire. I know if we saw each other we would have a nice time. But also, it doesn't take away from the fact that she did hurt me pretty badly, and on top of that she has a new boyfriend. She claims he is only a "filler". She thinks that one day we will get back together, but until then she needs someone to make her feel good. Which in my mind shows me how weak she really is.

 

I am so strong when she doesn't call, but when she does, or when she texts me, I slowly grow weaker. The I miss you messages, or the I love you ones, they really pull at my strings.I start to dilute the pain that she caused me, and I start to feel bad and I almost even forgive her. It's the worst when you can even control your own emotions, you know what I mean.

 

I told her she is being selfish in that she is only looking out for her own welfare. She agreed, but she said that she misses me desperately and needs to see if we still have a chance. I am able to offer others advice, but its one thing to offer it and another to follow through. I don't know what she is trying to do. I truly feel she is confused. I know she loves me, and I know she wants to be with me. But I am too stubborn to tell her that I miss her and that I love her, especially since she has a new man in her life. What also hurts is that I have to put up this fake front, showing her that I am moving on, and that I am strong. Even though deep down in side I miss her terribly, I still, to this day, believe she could have been the one for me. But my head tells me that too many things have happened to us as a whole. I don't want to give in and tell her I love her and I miss her, because I don't want her to feel that comfort. I have a feeling that if I see her, Ill fall right back to square one. I was doing great for a while, but I feel as if I can't keep up this "fake, Im happy not being with you". It is extremely tiring and depressing. I feel like I am fooling myself into thinking I don't love her, or miss her or want her anymore.

[LastImpression]

Michael,

 

First of all, let me just say that you have been very strong with dealing with all this and I'm very proud of you! As you have discovered, you didn't die of a broken heart. And as hard as it has been emotionally for you, I think that you are stronger for it and you are more equipt now to deal with what she can dish at you because you know in your heart that you can always walk away from all this and close the doors on her by stopping all contact.

[Athena]

Michael,

Oh boy do I know what you mean. I know I am not telling you anything you don't know, but, it's for that reason, that it's important to not share with them, (i.e. no contact) until the roller coaster of emotions is flattened out.

 

When my ex and I first broke up (7 months now), he used to say the same thing, that "one day we will get back together". For a couple months I believed him and he kept me hanging on, riding that emotional rollercoaster.

 

I know you miss her and I sense you love her more than anything you ever have. I know you are willing to do anything to work this out with her even put yourself through hell. I have a feeling if you do see her, you will be back to square one again as well.

 

I think to a certain extent you ARE reprogramming your brain to not love her like you did and to stop the missing feeling. I don't think you should be faking that you don't love her, I don't think that is good. But I do think that you should be thinking about how to honestly move out of love with her - it's do-able, I've done it with a person who I knew for sure was the one for me. I told him a couple months after he broke it off, that I could not have contact with him for a while because I had to get out of love with him - and that's what I did. The fact that he wasn't willing to stop that process is what gave me the strength every day to keep moving.

 

I think seeing her will be hurtful for you. There's no real need for you guys to see one another. Her rational is poor at best. Like I said, one doesn't need to physically see the other in order to resolve unsrue feelings of "do I love him or don't I" that's crap. She may be confused, she may still love you - but there is STILL something in her head that is causing her to hesitate. It's the same thing that caused her to leave. She may not know what it is herself, but there is something there and she should not be using you as tool to try and figure out what it is.

 

My thoughts on what to do when you are unsure about what to do is, DON"T DO ANYTHING. Be still and Wait until you have the answer. (Psalm 27:14)

 

-A

[Stingseed]

Hello Michael

 

I sort a know what you must feel like I see your post and I see where I will be in about 2 or 3 more months from now of no-contact and false front of not caring it is if I am looking into the future of what I will be going through. I know you have replied on my posts but dude we are the same boat.

 

Athena has some strong words there and Michael you should agree with what she said about the psalm 27:14....

[Michael2]

Wow, thanks for all the support guys.

 

This may be a poor analogy, but it somewhat relates to my decision.

 

A young teenage boy decides to one day go out to a party, knowing full well that he will consume larges amounts of alcohol and as a result, he will have a major hangover for the next few days.

 

He weighs his options: One; Have a great time, get a nice buzz, but then deal with the inevitable pain of a hangover. Or two, not drink , and as a result not having to deal with the effects of the prior days excitiment.

 

Poor analogy, but what I am trying to say is. I know that when I see her, things would be great, but the next day probably weeks, and maybe even months, I will have to endure a heart hangover.

 

I hope, that when next weekend rolls around, I have the strength and courage to pass up that "drinking at the party".

 

I suppose, that in the back of my mind, I am afraid that I will disappoint her, or that I will regret not seeing her. But I believe the emotional high my heart is experiencing, (having the oppurtunity to see her) is once again blinding my minds true intent on healing.

 

On a better note, in June I'm going to Las Vegas. Anyone ever been there?

[IMAbadman]

Michael2 I thought that to be an excellent analogy.

 

I can only speak for myself but when ever I 'bump' into or have communication with the other.... it hurts. Like a 2 week hangover.

 

And what's with this disappoint her thing?!? Pfffftttt.... I'd say she's a disappointment to you. She had the gawl to say, while she's seeing someone else, that she'd like to see you to see if she has feelings yet? That had to leave a mark, ouch. To me that just seems cruel.

 

You deserve better, don't except less.

[cobro]

Michael,

 

I usually don't respond to alot of posts, but yours caught my eye. You have given me advice before about my ex who broke up with me over 4 months ago. She too has a new bf that she met less than a month after me, and I know she hooked up with someone else about a week or two after she broke up with me. Luckily, she has stopped calling me as often and I don't call her. She too is a very confused girl and has pulled that stuff your ex is doing to you right now, about a year ago actually.

 

If you meet up with her, you are only setting yourself up for disaster. People don't change, she is the same girl as she was when she broke up with you. She just wants to string you along, have her cake and eat it too. I fell for the "I want to see you" line before and got burned in the long run, still trying to recover from it. Read some of my posts dating back to last year and see. Please just walk away now and don't look back, you will be hurting after you meet up with her and go back to step one.

 

Do you even want her back after she's been with someone else? I did that too, and its not the same dude. The trust is gone, along with other crucial parts of the previous relationship between you two. I don't want to see someone get hurt the way I was hurt falling for the same crap your ex is throwing at you right now, so take my advice and walk away now!

 

cobro

[devnull]

I just discovered this wonderful site.

 

Its putting everything into a deeper perspective. Michael I wish you the best.

 

I only wish I were in your position right now, I would definitely go for it. But I only say this because I am at month 1. And have no exercised rule #1 no contact very much. I have done it for the past two weeks, and very well.

 

Good Luck.

[Michael2]

Hey Cobro, I have also been following your saga, thanks for the reply, I hope things are looking up for you.

 

If she had called when I was in your position devnull, I would have jumped on the oppurtunity, which helps to show you how your state of mind is. Unfortunately you arent thinking clearly, and as a result you would decide to see her. Dont get me wrong , I dont know your situation, and appreciatte your advice, but one day you will understand why I can not see this girl. Dont get me wrong, my heart is eager to see her, but my head is saying no. I think you know you are healing, when you can finally shake the cobwebs off, and your mind starts to take over your heart. Its like your mind is starting to protect you, its acting as a guardian for your heart.

 

Thanks again all.

If I didn't have this board, I would have seen her, and as a result I would be back to square one. Wow, that was a close one.

[Athena]

Hey Michael,

This board is amazing isn't it! It's a real source of strength and support.

 

I was in Vegas in 2000. It's a great place! There are great shows - I saw the Cirqu De Soule which was awesome. I'm not much of a gambler or a party-er so ended up renting a car and driving out to the Hoover Dam which was AMAZING (I'm in civil engineering so it was interesting for me to see). I continued on to the Grand Canyon too.

 

Vegas is a great town. Where are you staying?

 

-A

[Michael2]

Hey Athena,

 

The dam must be awesome to see in person.

 

We are staying at the Hard Rock. Going with about 15 guys for a bachelor party. Can't wait.

 

You are very right, this board is a source of strength for many, including myself.

[devnull]

Yeah, I'm just not at that point yet. Its like the night before I convince myself that I am over her and ready to move on. Then I wake up the next day like just right now and feel depressed.

 

My heart needs to let go of things. I can't wait to be in your stage, because this hurts too much. When I have time I will explain what happened in the break ups forum.

[Michael2]

Dev,

 

I was at your stage for months, it hurt, and it hurt bad.

 

It takes time. One minute you feel okay, another minute you feel absolutely horrible, the next minute you feel great. It gets worse, then it gets better. But slowly, this viscious cycle levels out.

 

Be strong.

[Athena]

That is going to be so fun! Michael you make sure you have yourself the time of your life! It's the city of sin so ... be careful ...

 

-A

[devnull]

Dev,

 

I was at your stage for months, it hurt, and it hurt bad.

 

It takes time. One minute you feel okay, another minute you feel absolutely horrible, the next minute you feel great. It gets worse, then it gets better. But slowly, this viscious cycle levels out.

 

Be strong.

 

I believe you and thanks for sharing your experience. I'm glad we can help each other out on here. Great community.

[merovingiani]

Hey Michael. I don't post often but I want to thank you because your posts have really helped me. My ex broke up with me after a 4 year relationship. It's been about a month and a half since the break-up. After the first week of begging I found this site and started the no-contact thing. It has really helped me even though I don't have her back. Your posts have given me so much strenght.

About your current situation - I think that it's very wrong that your ex is with someone else and at the same time talking about getting back with you. To me it seems that she can't be by alone. She is ready to possibly ditch the guy she is with now and have you back right-away and the reason could be that she doesn't want to be lonely.

[Michael2]

Hey mero,

 

You are right. She can not be alone, which is a sign of low self esteem, which I dont need.

 

Fortunately, (unfortunately decides on what side of the fence you are on)

after you initiate the no contact rule, the fog clears up and truly see your EX and your relationship in a different light.

 

Mero, keep your head up, a month of no contact, wow, thats great, I commend you for that.

 

Keep it up, because remember, if you call or text her, you will start right back to square one. THink of it like a ladder, you are climbing slowly, but surely, but dont slip, or you have to start that climb all over.

 

Weird thing happened while I Was sleeping last night. I guess this current issue of seeing her is really playing on my head. Well I had a vivid dream of seeing her, unfortunately I can still remember it , she jumped into my arms, it was awesome. I actually felt her and spoke to her.I woke up right away, and I could remember every detail. I hate dreams like that, because they do no good but upset me.

[devnull]

You know I have that same problem here as well. I think we're just not keeping ourselves busy enough.

 

Last night I also had a dream about my ex. This happens EVERY NIGHT tho. I pep myself before I go to sleep, read this forum. Read online articles. Swear I am over her heh (denial) then I dream about her and wake up a little depressed.

 

Kinda sucks, but I'm sure it'll get better. I'm also thinking to myself why the heck would she want to be with another guy already? Damn woman, take some time for yourself. But whatever.

 

Damn mind still attached to that gotta get over it!

[Stingseed]

I too dream about my ex which is very unconfortable. Even though I am in my first week of no-contact I try to keep my mind off her. I agree we are not keeping ourselves busy enough. My problem is my ex keeps calling me which makes it harder and yes she is seeing someone. But I must say that it is great that there are people like you guys out there going throught the same. Lets stay strong....

[lisaria]

I can't remember my dreams, just vague images. When I wake up I immediately think of him and my heart hurts, I cry into my pillow so my kids won't hear me. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing when I close my eyes. I would give anything to have him love me the way you guys loved your ex g/fs. I'm trying to be strong.

[Michael2]

Hang in there Lisa.

 

We all want the love that we deserve. They always say, good things come to those who wait. Guess we just have to wait a little bit longer then the average person,lol.

 

Crying is good though, but I am sorry that you have to experience it due to your situation. I know that after I get upset, I feel much better.

[Stingseed]

I know what you mean. I am trying to be strong too. hang in there.

[devnull]

Hmm look at this, we're all in the same situation. This has made me think.

 

We know for a fact that there are better people than our exs capable of probably better love. It has been prooven here on this board. WE ARE ALL ON THE SAME BOAT.

 

Of course the love is not going to be the same as the one we had with prev ex because everytime its different. But look at it this way. There are hundreds of people just like us out there.

 

We should really get over our exes. Screw them, they can go to hell! Just like you said, you wish your ex would love you like we love(d) ours. Well there are dozens of people out there for us. We can't let one person destroy our lives even for a week/month/year whatever. We must "prevail" SCREW THEM!!

 

Its their loss, not ours. I'm taking a stand here!