nice guy but not ambitious enough, not rich enough...

[LAYAAN]

my good friend has been dating this man for a few months now. Nothing is wrong with him. The guy is finishing some masters degree, isn't very bright, ambitious types, is not a go-getter, he is happy with the amount of money he will be making once he gets out n has a job, told her "don't worry about money. if you can work, fine, if you can't we'll still be happy, I'll do my best. The kids will have food in their tummy n roof over their head." He seems to be a quiet, laid-back, honest, sincere, Christian man. But he has no burning desire to succeed, come up higher in life. He is too comfortable with who he is and where he is at. So, I was sitting with her last evening and both of us were kinda quiet and staring at the clouds. I know they both like each other. She has this aggressive, go-getter, ambitious personality. He is the opposite. She has always dated rich men, physician, surgeons, dentists, restaurant owners. I felt that he will balance her out but yesterday when she said this to me, I didn't know what to say to her.

Has anyone gone through this before? What did you decide?

Thank you.

[shikashika]

can you explain a bit more clearly what is wrong with the guy?

 

is it just a money thing?

 

he does have a masters and is happy with himself, which is more than I can say for a lot of people out there.

 

What is your concern exactly?

[nutbrownhare]

Sorry, I'm not being deliberately thick, but I'm not clear what she said to you; the bit where you didn't know what to say to her, I mean.

[agent1607307371]

Is her problem that he isn't a "go-getter" like her?

 

I think it's all well to say that someone will balance someone out, but imo, similar personalities work better together. There's no point in being with someone who has different priorities but who you feel embarrassed about. (Think American Beauty - he's relaxed and she's highly ambitious.) Eventually the disconnect will be felt.

[annie24]

hm - i mean, a master's degree isn't all that un-ambitious. it's still a graduate degree, and most people in the US (or the world!!!) don't have graduate degrees. i don't know the number, but i'm guessing it would be less than 10% of the population. so i'd disagree that this guy isn't a go-getter. he sounds like he's found a happy balance in life, he sounds quite nice actually.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

if she is ashamed of him, or she thinks the guy is not right for her.

then that's that.

She needs to find someone that meets her criteria.

 

In my opinion the guy sounds very nice. He is happy with his life and is financially stable.

 

if your friends wants to be rich and successful, with all the luxuries etc. then she needs to find someone that wants the same.

 

better let him go so he can find someone that will appreciate his qualities.

[annie24]

people with masters' degrees aren't poor either. i think he would still be able to afford plenty of luxuries in life.

[Nixee]

From what you've written he actually sounds very at peace with who he is, rather than just being un-ambitious, and there is a difference. Maybe it isn't that he doesn't want... maybe it is that he already has achieved or already IS achieving (as in... he is already on the path to getting the degree he wants, therefore he doesn't have higher ambitions than that... other than to be settled and raise a family and be happy).

 

If your friend is happy with him and likes him, that would seem to be most important. If she is feeling restless or feels a disconnect between her goals and his, then that would be where the problem is.

 

Money truly isn't everything. But being on the same page goal-wise is. If he wants to be settled down, and she is still feeling restless for some reason or another... or isn't feeling like he's "the one"... then THAT is going to be the problem... not money.

[nutbrownhare]

Actually, he sounds just like what I'm looking for ...

[BriarRose]

He's working towards his Masters degree. Call him what you may, but that is not unambitious.

[real_life_101]

Curious what does your friend do for a living?

[LAYAAN]

okay, sorry, I guess, I didnt' make certain things as clear as they should be.

- my friend n her bf both are students currently. But my friend has dreams, ambition, she wants to go to medical school after completing her PhD (currently in PhD program). Now, this boy, he is just happy, content, calm, quiet, laid-back personality.

- When his roommates accused him of doing something he didn't do, he didn't bark at them. He tries to avoid fighting. This bothers her.

- He said "if a woman asks me, how much money you make, this n that, I'll think lowly of her. I'll earn enough to support our family, if you want to work, fine, if you want to be a home-maker, thats fine too. Whatever money you earn is our additional money, vacation money. I'm not gonna be dependent on your income. I"m not gonna ask you how much did you make last month."

 

Ya, I understand that an MS is like climbing mount Everest for some. I'm not trying to put anyone down but MPH (Masters in Public Health) is a degree many people get on a part-time basis. This boy is studying 1 class here there and it has taken him a little longer than usual. My friend has always dated men with fire, enthusiasm, ambition. She was attracted to his mellow personality but now she is wondering if that was a good decision. She told him the other day "I've always dated men who work hard, who are serious about their profession, who have solid degrees. I'm not complaining about you, not belittling you, but where are you headed in life? I don't see that ambition in you. What do you think about it?" Then they fought.

[annie24]

then she should break up with him as they are clearly incompatible.

 

and let's talk about your friend for a second. she's getting a PhD, what does she want an MD for? i know a PhD who realized halfway through his PhD that he didn't want to be in science, he wanted to be a doctor, but he finished his phD anyway. then when he tried to apply to med school, nearly every school rejected him, because they thought he was smart.... but unfocused. so what is your friend going to do with an MD?

 

personally - i kind of like how this guy sounds. he's not obsessed with making top dollars. a master's in public health is pretty cool, i was actually thinking of getting one after my PhD is done!!!! anyways, tell your friend to dump him, and i'm sure some other woman will be more than happy to date this guy.

[Clarity]

There's nothing wrong with the guy, I respect his outlook on life. Nice to see someone not obsessed with making money and rather focused on what are, to me, more important things, like raising a family.

 

That being said, if you're friend is more attracted to the rate-race types, then that is what she should go for.

[agent1607307371]

He said "if a woman asks me, how much money you make, this n that, I'll think lowly of her. I'll earn enough to support our family, if you want to work, fine, if you want to be a home-maker, thats fine too. Whatever money you earn is our additional money, vacation money. I'm not gonna be dependent on your income. I"m not gonna ask you how much did you make last month."

 

This would turn me off right away. She's smart enough to have a PhD and possibly an MD, but there he just basically reduced what she does to something for pocket money.

 

He wants them to live off his wage, but he doesn't want to talk about the state of his finances?

[annie24]

This would turn me off right away. She's smart enough to have a PhD and possibly an MD, but there he just basically reduced what she does to something for pocket money.

 

He wants them to live off his wage, but he doesn't want to talk about the state of his finances?

 

i guess i took it the other way - i saw it as him saying that he is going to support the family and earn a good wage, regardless of his wife's career choice. he sounds very supportive of his wife's wishes, and not like he would hassle her about making or not making enough money.

[redreine]

Your description of him makes me think he was probably raised in a family that still nurtures the idea that the man should be the primary breadwinner. (which is fine, if the woman in the relationship feels the same way)

 

He wasn't trying to be rude to your friend, he was just telling her that she will never have to worry about anything because he will take care of her. By saying her earnings would pay for the vacations and things, he was just saying that he would take care of their needs, and she can take care of their wants.

 

It actually sounds like a stable plan, if your friend could live with it. She sounds a little dramatic to me.

[LAYAAN]

Sorry, I'm not being deliberately thick, but I'm not clear what she said to you; the bit where you didn't know what to say to her, I mean.

oh, sorry if I didn't write it clearly.

She said "you know like how we (her and me) constantly complained about these successful men that we used to go out on dates with that they have no heart, that they always will buy anything with their money n status, how they made us feel "hey, I can get anyone, if not you, get lost, someone else." with their attitude. Now I have a nice guy n everything seems to be good but there is no sense of completeness, he is not manly enough, not aggressive, not a go-getter, he dropped out of MD program (which really hurts me), now is in MPH (masters public health) program, taking 1-2 classes here there, working some tiny-miny job here there, he is too content, too relaxed. Where is that fire? that zeal? that ambition, thirst? Come on and now he is telling me its okay to be a home-maker? I mean, you don't want to get together with a man that will pull you down, instead encourage you, lift you, challenge you to come up a step higher in life."

So, I didn't know what to say to this. B'coz I know my friend's personality. She is a bright, goal-oriented, multi-tasker. She is an honest, genuine, kind person. She wants a lot from her life and is capable of achieving it. When she met him, I was so happy to know the kind of person he is. But now even I don't know. Yes, being a nice guy is important to us females but yes, she desires to be with a hard-working, successful n nice guy. Not just a nice guy with no ambition.

[LAYAAN]

Actually, he sounds just like what I'm looking for ...

really, you should just come here girl! there are a lot of nice men here. and in case you are thinking "well, why aren't you after them?" "I have issues and I have preferences."

[LAYAAN]

Curious what does your friend do for a living?

just like me, she is finishing her PhD.

[laisla]

she can pass him on to me, j/k.

[LAYAAN]

Ya, I've talked to the guy. Ofcourse, I'm an outsider looking at him so I dont' knwo what issues they are really facing.

He is nice, no doubt about that. He seems supportive of her. Both of them are finishing their graduate degrees. My friend is impatient sometimes, gets easily stressed, agitated, etc. He is calm, relaxed, never swears, is good-looking, he likes her. I mean, I don't know, when we all were happy for her, here comes the news that she thinks something is lacking in him.

I told her the other day "yes, its true that we have always gone for men who were high-achievers but they didn't treat us right. This man treats you right. Can you live with a little inadequacy may be? Also, IMO, men who are aggressive, go-getters, competitive outside in the professional world, normally wont' come home and turn into a mellow, kind, calm person. I'm not saying that they will be competitive n aggressive even at home, but you know they have a dominating nature, mostly. (again there are exceptions, but I hope the posters here get a drift of what I'm saying.)"

They fight about their belief now too. He believes that the Bible is the standard and his kids will be raised that way. She on the other hand struggles with some parts in the Bible. I told her "You won't find a guy who has all the beliefs that match with yours exactly. I like that he is a good Christian man, I'm hoping that he won't stray. He will come home by the end of the day and wont' waste his money on a stripper. And if he really does believe in the Bible so much, I'm hoping that he will try to be a good husband and hopefully you will enjoy a very long married life." They come from different denominations and he is okay with her not converting. He doesn't even force her to have sex. Isn't that amazing?

[LAYAAN]

she can pass him on to me' date=' j/k.[/quote']

true, many of her friends feel the same way.

[LAYAAN]

I think, when we tend to settle down n get comfortable in a relationship, we start to see a person's flaws more closely and say "hmm... what if he had this? and not that in him?"

Gee, marriage truly is a difficult decision.

[sti_2004]

boy do i feel like a p.o.s.

 

I work in a warehouse, just making ends meet.

 

You and your girlfriend should try going to church. Theres alot more to life than just image.