why can't I just enjoy it?

[Daligal83]

I've liked a guy friend of mine for about a year and we recently started seeing each other. We hung out a lot over the weekend and it crossed that line from friends to more. I'm very good friends with his sister, which is how we met. There's a whole thread titled "confused" with all the details. He told me over the weekend that he's had a crush on me since we met.

 

I'm completely paranoid that he's going to lose interest. I don't show it to him at all, it's an internal thing and something I've mentioned to friends. I last saw him Sunday morning, and he IMed me Sunday and Monday night. I haven't talked to him yet today. I haven't initiated contact since then, but plan on texting him tomorrow morning to wish him good luck with an interview. So I'm not acting desperate or anything.

 

Rational thoughts: He's liked me for a year so why would it suddenly change now. And I haven't been trying to impress him or anything during that year so he has seen the "real me." He's initiated most of the contact and is still acting interested. He was incredibly sweet and affectionate over the weekend, it really was a great weekend.

 

Irrational thoughts: He said he asked his sister a long time ago about me and she said he wasn't my type. I asked her about this and she said basically that she's seen him date a lot of girls and didn't want things to go badly with us. We're a close group of friends and it would be sad if that was ruined. On Friday he mentioned getting together during the week, but then we unexpectedly saw each other on Saturday. He hasn't asked to see me at all yet, only mentioned that we'll be seeing each other soon and playing racquetball soon.

 

I feel like he's out of my league (again would never let him know that) and he brought over a girl he dated for a few weeks and she was absolutely gorgeous. I feel like, why would he like me? He once told me that he can get girls, but they all end up being psycho.

 

I really want to be able to just stop and enjoy all of this and stop having these negative thoughts, but I just like him a lot and am afraid that he'll lose interest.

[servedcold]

I have followed your last thread on this guy for a couple weeks now, and have to question you on this. Please, I beg you, don't be one of "those" types of women who let insecurity sabotage the initial stages and sour the relationship. Have experienced it SO MANY times. This kind of thing makes men throw their hands up. You may not realize it, but you are likely broadcasting this to him unknowingly. I've been bitten by it so many times that when it starts, I know I'm dealing with the type of woman who is going to be high maintenance, and will behave badly when she doesn't get the proper level of attention. Give her too much though, and she begins to lose interest, turning me off totally, like a switch, and then her feelings will slide based on mine declining. It's a snowball from hell. Early honeymoon period should be fun, light, romantic and sexy. Please don't bring all this stuff in at the start.

 

Please, be different from the other "buffalo in the herd." Just have fun and enjoy it without the ridiculous female microanalyzing. Don't sabotage. Fill your life with other things than endless pondering on every single interaction with a guy in the early stages. If he has been around, and has experience, he can sense this right off the bat. We see more than we let on.

[Daligal83]

I really don't think he sees it. I initiate conversation occasionally, but not too much where he's not pursuing me. I act confident around him. People who I don't reveal my thoughts to have NO clue that I'm insecure. I honestly play it off really well to the point where people think I'm very confident. And I am in a lot of areas. Most areas. I just never understand why guys like me haha. I don't demand a lot of attention. I haven't asked him when I'll see him next.

 

It's easy to say stop microanalyzing, but it's a lot harder to do. I'm trying so hard though because I really do just want to enjoy this.

[servedcold]

Pretend like you've just broken up with someone, get busy, get in the gym, start a hobby, join a new group, volunteer. Have been silently cheering for you through the other thread and hope you derail these feelings somehow before they deprive you of the fun of a new relationship.

[grymoire]

I am guessing he lost interest in you AFTER knowing that his feelings were reciprocated. He has been crushing on you ever since you guys met. Up until the point where you moved from 'just friends' to 'more than friends' you were kind of a challenge. Now you are no longer a challenge. He got what he wanted for a long time and consequently his feelings and interest have started to wane. Sorry.

[servedcold]

Woah, don't feed the fire, grymoire there's not even any SMOKE! Nothing indicates this guy's feelings have changed in two days.

[Daligal83]

Yea grymoire what I'm saying is that his actions still show that he's interested, but I'm scared that it won't stay that way. I think I was OK until his sister made that comment. It sounded like she didn't want us to date before because she was afraid I'd get hurt. So now I'm worried about getting hurt lol.

 

And I honestly do stay busy. I'm at work all day, then go to the gym. I have a busy social life and only was able to see him Saturday because two other plans fell through. I'm definitely occupied lol.

[Batya33]

First what you are feeling is COMPLETELY normal! Second, good for you for faking it till you make it - I am sure you're doing just fine or better than fine at that. Third - this is what I did so I could battle the demons - not in a negative way, but in a realistic way, live in the moment. Right now what you know is - you had a romantic date, he expressed interest in you and you have another date planned right?(if not, then keep the contact to a minimum so he has a chance to miss you a bit and have even more incentive to ask you out again). You have to work on being content with what is.

 

Sure, he could change his mind (for whatever reason), meet someone else he likes better, whatever - but if you live in the moment only - until he tells you that you two are exclusive, that he is committed to you, that he sees potential for the a long term relationship - then you can enjoy the yummy feelings and lessen the drive yourself crazy part. I don't see any indication from what you wrote that his interest has waned.

 

My only question is whether you two have talked about his plans to relocate for the summer (sorry if I have that wrong - I remember something like that). That might be an issue down the road.

[Daligal83]

Thank you Batya. We don't actually have another date planned yet. That's part of what's probably feeding into my thoughts. But then I think, it's only Tuesday. He had a huge homework assignment due today, an exam on Thursday, and another homework due after that. So rationally I know that he can't see me during the week because he has all this work and it's kind of early to ask for the weekend. But I still don't like it at the same time haha. I am keeping my initiating contact to a minimum. I feel like I do it enough so he knows that I'm interested, but usually let him take the lead.

 

We haven't talked about the summer. I feel like it's way too early for that. Things just happened on Saturday night. And he doesn't have the job for sure, that's the interview he has tomorrow. On Saturday though, he said that if he gets this other local internship he would take that because it pays so well he can't pass it up. I mentioned it to his sister on Sunday and she said that she was really surprised that he said that. But I'll just have to wait and see.

 

I just hate how my mind works!! Like we were just talking on IM and he's studying for an exam and mentioned that he should get off the computer, so I made a comment that made it obvious that it was fine. He then kept talking a little and I responded but also said that I'd let him go study. Now I'm sad that we're not talking anymore and I start to get nervous.

 

I'm a rational person 99.9% of the time...why can't I be now?!

[servedcold]

First what you are feeling is COMPLETELY normal!

 

Exactly, and that's the problem. This is a particularly frustrating part of the female MO. We feel the early jitters too, just most of us don't sit and dwell on it like women do. Daligal has been wondering about this guy for some time, and just as she starts to make progress, starts fretting and worrying. Yikes. This is one of the reasons men say things like "women are never happy" or "they don't really know what they want."

 

You are getting what you want, or closer to it, don't start second guessing when things are working. Saying once again, get out, exercise, take a long walk, find something you can get totally absorbed in. Stack yourself up with plans and follow through with them. Carpe diem est minime credulo postero.

 

Look at it as a sports game you are playing. You were scoreless, and now this weekend you put points on the board. Those points are still there, they aren't going to evaporate.

[Daligal83]

It's hard though, because I've been through it. I've had that nice beginning that ends up with the guy losing interest. And it's not that I'm not happy, it's just anxiety. Those are different things. I want this to progress. That hasn't changed and I know what I want.

 

I really think if his sister hadn't said that, I would be OK. Or at least less anxious. It put the idea in my head and now I can't let it go haha.

[grymoire]

wow.. women are really complicated

 

why all the needless fears? and make things difficult? as servedcold has mentioned it is really frustrating.

[Daligal83]

You guys aren't getting me. He doesn't know that I'm having any of these thoughts. So it's frustrating for me, not him! I'm playing it cool with him.

[grymoire]

You guys aren't getting me. He doesn't know that I'm having any of these thoughts. So it's frustrating for me, not him! I'm playing it cool with him.

 

he can pick it up... easily... without you knowing abt it...

[Daligal83]

Trust me, it's not getting through. I know how to act. I'm a social worker, interacting with people appropriately is part of what I do for a living lol.

 

I just need to remind myself that if he's going to lose interest, there's nothing I can do about it. Just be myself and then I'll have no regrets.

[servedcold]

I just need to remind myself that if he's going to lose interest, there's nothing I can do about it. Just be myself and then I'll have no regrets.

 

Yay! Imagine yourself four relationships in the future, and how you would look back on this and feel silly. Works for me when I get the jitters.

[ghost69]

in your OP, you said you just want to enjoy this. what is it you are enjoying? you guys aren't anything together but friends. you want this to progress, but it doesn't seem like he is making much of an effort.

[Daligal83]

Well he's made effort in that he's the one who has asked me to hang out both times we hung out alone and he does most of the contacting. And over the weekend it was not just hanging out as friends. It went beyond that. So that's what I'm trying to enjoy.

 

I was working on being positive when I got home from the gym today. He IMed me and we were talking about how he got that job out of town for the summer. I mentioned that we'd have to celebrate and he listed all the things in school he has coming up for the rest of the week and next. So yea...not a good sign. Now I'm down again lol.

[grymoire]

so you guys have kissed/made out at all?

[Batya33]

Well he's made effort in that he's the one who has asked me to hang out both times we hung out alone and he does most of the contacting. And over the weekend it was not just hanging out as friends. It went beyond that. So that's what I'm trying to enjoy.

 

I was working on being positive when I got home from the gym today. He IMed me and we were talking about how he got that job out of town for the summer. I mentioned that we'd have to celebrate and he listed all the things in school he has coming up for the rest of the week and next. So yea...not a good sign. Now I'm down again lol.

 

Don't be down - I would just leave the ball in his court and see what happens.... good luck!

[Daligal83]

Yea we hooked up a bit on Saturday night. Didn't go too far, but more than kissing.

 

I am down though. I just tried it from another angle and he basically said there's no fun for him at all this weekend and he'll have to study for the whole thing. One the one hand, I get that he has a lot to do and that's fine. On the other hand, if he's still interested it'd be nice for him say that he wants to see me and that we can get together after he's done with all of that. Plus he has to eat...if he really wanted to see me he'd want to just get a quick dinner or something.

[Batya33]

Yea we hooked up a bit on Saturday night. Didn't go too far, but more than kissing.

 

I am down though. I just tried it from another angle and he basically said there's no fun for him at all this weekend and he'll have to study for the whole thing. One the one hand, I get that he has a lot to do and that's fine. On the other hand, if he's still interested it'd be nice for him say that he wants to see me and that we can get together after he's done with all of that. Plus he has to eat...if he really wanted to see me he'd want to just get a quick dinner or something.

 

Many years ago - I was even younger than you, lol, I dated a guy who was extremely busy with first year of law school I think it was. In the beginning he seemed reluctant to get together because of excessive schoolwork (and he was still into the boys night out thing - didn't want to miss those). About two months later we were seeing each other more regularly at his initiation and we became exclusive about four months later.

 

Turned out that for most of the time we were casually dating he was also dating/hooking up with a classmate (and I was casually dating one of his classmates even though I didn't go to that school!) so that was probably the real explanation as to why he didn't spend more time with me at first. He ended up proposing to me a few years later. 15 years later he got married - to a man. But that's for another thread, lol.

[grymoire]

Yea we hooked up a bit on Saturday night. Didn't go too far, but more than kissing.

 

I am down though. I just tried it from another angle and he basically said there's no fun for him at all this weekend and he'll have to study for the whole thing. One the one hand, I get that he has a lot to do and that's fine. On the other hand, if he's still interested it'd be nice for him say that he wants to see me and that we can get together after he's done with all of that. Plus he has to eat...if he really wanted to see me he'd want to just get a quick dinner or something.

 

wow this guy is confusing.... or.. may be not.... sorry daligal83 but it doesn't sound like he is so interested in you.

[Daligal83]

I don't think he's even going out with his friends this weekend. He's pretty disciplined about his work. He spends every night in the library. I guess it'd just be nice to have a little more reinforcement from him that he's still interested. Yea he keeps IMing me while he's at the library, but we hook up then I don't see him for at least two weeks at this point? I don't know.

 

And I know it sounds ridiculous, but over the weekend it didn't feel like it was just about hooking up. It was so incredibly affectionate and felt like there was a lot of emotion behind it.

 

I can't even talk to his sister about it because I don't want to put her in the middle.

[Batya33]

I don't think he's even going out with his friends this weekend. He's pretty disciplined about his work. He spends every night in the library. I guess it'd just be nice to have a little more reinforcement from him that he's still interested. Yea he keeps IMing me while he's at the library, but we hook up then I don't see him for at least two weeks at this point? I don't know.

 

And I know it sounds ridiculous, but over the weekend it didn't feel like it was just about hooking up. It was so incredibly affectionate and felt like there was a lot of emotion behind it.

 

I can't even talk to his sister about it because I don't want to put her in the middle.

 

I would definitely decrease the IMing because he doesn't deserve the benefits of contacting you if he is not willing to make a plan with you in advance (or tell you that he can't do something this weekend but he will be free at x time (whether that is next weekend, two weeks from now, etc). Just keep your responses brief or simply be invisible to him so that you're not overly available.