"Why is breaking up such a big deal?", asked the Aspie.

[hexaemeron]

I really don't mean to be argumentative. But you people are talking about emotional cues for this like "When you feel ____, you ____ . Well, I don't. I can't just feel my way to it. That's why I'm asking. I'm started out admittedly... uh, nonplussed, but now I'm genuinely curious.

 

And as for aspies, if you've met one aspie, you've... met one aspie. We're all very different in how we manifest.

[langford]

I understand that in the abstract, totally. But if it doesn't work, what possible benefit is there in being broken beyond repair? Why would people choose to wallow in self-pity and obsess over a situation that obviously wasn't right in favor of enriching themselves, working out, eating better, working harder at work and enjoying friends and family to be ready for when someone who very well COULD be right?

 

What is that "right" person going to see? A confident, self-assured vibrant person? Or a paranoid, damaged wreck of a person who can't even get over a breakup?

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, and it's not my intent to judge, but that's just how it seems.

 

because they often derive wisdom and emotional growth from experiencing it.Your wiring is different the emotional mechanisms are not the same,your world is based on rationalism and reason so of course your mind will always overide your heart - to your benefit or deteriment.Forgive people for having a pulse.

[maverick554]

Your right in the sense that it is unhealthy and counter-productive to let one breakup make you unhappy for the rest of your life, and your also right that nobody wants to be with someone who is negative and down all the time because someone hurt them a long time ago. But I think you are wrong when you say that grieving over a breakup is completely unnecessary. Like some of the others who have responded to your thread have said, being in a relationship gives the other person a certain power over you: the power to hurt you. And when a relatoinship ends (especially if you were dumped) you see alot of the hopes and dreams you had with that person, as well as all of the good aspects of your relationship dashed away. You also have to get used to being single again and living without that person in your life anymore when they were such a huge part of it for however long the relationship lasted. Again I do agree with moving on and getting over it, hopefully sooner rather than later, but it takes time and there is nothing wrong with taking time to grieve and sort out your issues. Life takes its toll on everyone, and healing from a breakup or other personal crisis does not happen overnight. From what you have said, I question as to whether you have ever been through a real breakup, or if you've ever been hurt by someone. If not wait until it happens for you, and then you will see why people post on here and come to this site for help in picking up the pieces after its over.

[90_hour_sleep]

I understand that in the abstract, totally. But if it doesn't work, what possible benefit is there in being broken beyond repair? Why would people choose to wallow in self-pity and obsess over a situation that obviously wasn't right in favor of enriching themselves, working out, eating better, working harder at work and enjoying friends and family to be ready for when someone who very well COULD be right?

 

What is that "right" person going to see? A confident, self-assured vibrant person? Or a paranoid, damaged wreck of a person who can't even get over a breakup?

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, and it's not my intent to judge, but that's just how it seems.

 

i think it's called healing. if you can walk away from a significant relationship and feel nothing...then it's likely that you're just in denial about it. i think the point is to recognize your mistakes...recognize what went wrong...and strive to not make those mistakes again (whether those mistakes are personal issues or just general incompatabilities). it's not an easy process. sometimes we don't like what we see in times of reflection. seems pretty natural to me to be upset for awhile...all part of the process. if you can't feel that...what can you feel.

[hexaemeron]

because they often derive wisdom and emotional growth from experiencing it.Your wiring is different the emotional mechanisms are not the same,your world is based on rationalism and reason so of course your mind will always overide your heart - to your benefit or deteriment.Forgive people for having a pulse.

 

I guess I was just looking for a way to understand this emotional expression in rational terms. I guess that's likely not possible.

[hexaemeron]

To answer your question, I've broken up with everyone I've ever been with. My last two relationships were three years+. The only thing I feel during breakups, honestly, is peace and relief. I don't really wonder why things didn't work out. To me, it just wasn't right, so learn some lessons and move back into the world a stronger, smarter person.

 

As for being hurt, I don't know that I could be hurt in that way. I just don't operate like that.

[hexaemeron]

i think it's called healing. if you can walk away from a significant relationship and feel nothing...then it's likely that you're just in denial about it. i think the point is to recognize your mistakes...recognize what went wrong...and strive to not make those mistakes again (whether those mistakes are personal issues or just general incompatabilities). it's not an easy process. sometimes we don't like what we see in times of reflection. seems pretty natural to me to be upset for awhile...all part of the process. if you can't feel that...what can you feel.

 

I see what you're saying, but so often it seems to come accross as, I don't know... histrionics. Why can't it be that two people just calmly recognize they are not right for one another, wish the other well, and move on?

 

It's not the outcome I am confused on, it's why it has to be so messy and broken-seeming.

[UCLAMike]

See, that sounds terrifying to me. Why would you ever give up yourself in favor of being this one-merged identity?

 

To me, relationships are about two independent people who each shares a part of themselves with the other. Building your life around someone else shortchanges the person because they'll never be self-sufficient and grow to resent the other person for invariably not living up to the expectations of "WELL I BASED MY WHOLE LIFE AROUND YOU!"

 

...and I don't think that's fair at all to another person to put that kind of responsibility or pressure on them.

 

I dont think you have been in love. I have to disagree on your perspective.

[summerpeach]

I was with a guy for three years, and when it ended, the only thing I felt was unadulterated relief and joy. I didn't grieve at all. I was so excited to be on my own again.

 

I guess that's where my confusion is.

 

Hmmm, if you can bottle these chemicals you have here, you would be a trillionaire!

I would buy stock in your company....hahah

 

I wish I could reacte the way you do to break ups.

[summerpeach]

By the way, I don't think Hex is being a bully at all.

I think she is really trying to understand why people have certain emotions.

 

Great thread

[hexaemeron]

I dont think you have been in love. I have to disagree on your perspective.

 

Just like a lot of people here have been saying that different people have different reactions to breaking up, and that's normal, people can have any number of emotions or experiences relating to love.

 

Just because what I experienced doesn't mesh with you, doesn't mean it wasn't love or any more or less real.

[hexaemeron]

Hmmm, if you can bottle these chemicals you have here, you would be a trillionaire!

I would buy stock in your company....hahah

 

I wish I could reacte the way you do to break ups.

 

My condition is a blessing in some ways, and a curse in others... like most things in life.

[hexaemeron]

By the way, I don't think Hex is being a bully at all.

I think she is really trying to understand why people have certain emotions.

 

Great thread

 

Thank you, Ms. Peach. I'm a boy though. Gay and aspie.

[canali]

i agree with your perspective: if you don't have a strong self foundation going in you're hooped...that is when the over entanglement/clinging starts/wanting to have THAT person (instead of yourself) affirming/validating your sense of worth...that is why so many people are so devastated when things happen.

 

As carl jung once said: ''love is learning to swim in a shared ocean but at the end of the day we return to our respective islands.''

[hexaemeron]

i agree with your perspective: if you don't have a strong self foundation going in you're hooped...that is when the over entanglement/clinging starts/wanting to have THAT person (instead of yourself) affirming/validating your sense of worth...that is why so many people are so devastated when things happen.

 

As carl jung once said: ''love is learning to swim in a shared ocean but at the end of the day we return to our respective islands.''

 

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm glad not everyone thinks I'm a monster. haha.

[canali]

that's not to say that some points posted (and I didn't read through most of them to be honest ..just read quickly the attached asper blog..interesting!)) aren't valid either however ie, that once you do bond with someone it is tough to disentangle...i mean look at any number of studies on love and you'll find that there are actual biological chemicals released in the brains (of people in love) that mother nature has ensured will 'hook' us to that person, as she wants us to procreate and extend the species for stability of our race...so while self esteem, inner security are all important, too, as are being socially connected and using other tools to later help to disengage (ie social support, humour, perspective, time itself, exercise, mindfulness, CBT, journalling, therapy, yoga, humour, quitting addictive substances/behaviours etc etc) there are actual physiological processes that make separating difficult, too.

 

...i do like another line I read from bruce fishers' classic ''rebuilding'' that suggests when hooking up with someone new instead of asking 'is this my soulmate?' or 'will be last forever'/'is this ''the one''?' try to relax and ask ''can I and this other person spend some quality time together NOW because we have things in common?'' (being more present situated...I have gotten alot of that from buddhism/mindfulness readings, too...takes alot of pressure off the gig). Hence that famous line from Tom Cruise in Jerry Macguire "you complete me'' is a fallacy in this line of thinking, too...as it sugguests that you should already be a healthy person without someone in your life..that the other should compliment and challenge you not complete you....doesn't mean others won't help with our healing as the best intimate relationships can do just that, too.

 

but I agree with some of what you have said,ie, that alot of people here have issues that need addressing (and to be honest we All have baggage from pain, unmet needs etc!..i'm no different...it is a matter of being aware of such so it doesn't lead you around unconsciously however IMO...)...take care of today ensures tomorrow will come about...but it's easier said than done of course as so many of us don't live in the now, but ruminate over the past or fear the future.

 

your quote: "If you want to be with me, then be with me. If I want to be with you, then I'll be with you. Whatever you need to do, even including sex with other people is fine as long as you are honest with me and safe. I want my partner to be as happy as he can possibly be. If I'm not making him happy and someone else can, then go and I will be your friend and always wish you the best. I don't have any personal investment in the ideas of monogamy either. It just seems like setting yourself up for failure with expectations no one can live up to.'' ....IMO easier said than done...I recently read of a couple in which this was in theory agreed to by the wife for keeping her ''fantastic'' hubby but upon enacting this premise into a workable marriage plan it in reality proved to be not workable so she wasn't being honest with herself; and as a result they are now heading for divorce...i'm sure that there are people out there who want open marriages,....most don't however....in our age of individual differences 'love' can take on many different shades and as long it is agreed by both individuals...things can change too as per one's perspective, ie, what worked now doesn't work later...but so many get hooked into wanting life to be static and not the fluid ever changing vehicle that it truly is (and it makes sense as ultimately we all want stability esp in our crazy world...see susan jeffers' feel the fear and do it anyway' and 'embracing uncertainty' and thich nhat hanh 'peace is every step'.

[summerpeach]

Thank you, Ms. Peach. I'm a boy though. Gay and aspie.

 

Sorry, my bad

[SadJules]

I have to question the maturity, humanity and understanding of this thread starter.

Life is a wonderful thing - we take our lessons from the nasties and the happies. But, one has to be very careful about denial. I read the beginning and the end of these threads and everyone seems to be very foregiving about the original attitude. Frankly we can always smooth over the popcorn ceiling but we always know that the skimcoating can crack. Give me the experiences of life - good or bad - but in the end it is how we deal with these issues that make us who we are - people of character or people in denial. I can take the tack that I am strong (and I did earlier in life) and these knocks mean nothing but with that attitude I never felt anything - never connected. Getting over the nasties takes work but we learn our lessons. After all, why are we here but to take on these experiences - whether painful or joyful - they make us who we are. If we try to avoid them then we miss those intricacies and facets....

[canali]

Your point I don't think is as applicable here as the poster seems to have some asper malady which makes emotional attachment or is it detachment as big a deal as it is for the rest of us...or am I misunderstanding something?

[summerpeach]

The thread starter has Asperger syndrome which is a condition where reations to every day life differs from someone without the condition.

[canali]

one thing I think could help among most of us is examining our beliefs...so many on here wish to have people support them and help them do away with their broken hearted feelings and pains of anger, sadness and hurt but many don't wish to examine further the thoughts and beliefs which drive our behaviours and got them their in the first place...or either lay too much blame on themselves or on the other person (when you point a finger you get 3 pointing back as the old saying truthfully goes)...and so just repeat their patterns in the future. (been there done that).

[hexaemeron]

Because were not robots.

 

I'm not saying you don't feel anything. I'm saying that you look at the situation objectively. You can feel things and still understand that some things are for the best, even if you don't like to admit it.

 

That's what I mean.

[sad_panda]

I guess I get what you mean and agree to some point, hexaemeron.

 

I know that to feel angst and pain is normal, I just don't get the idea of a prolonging the misery. My ex left me, I cried a river, but after two months, enough is enough. So he doesn't want me, fine.

 

I spent 2.5 years with my ex. There were bad parts, but there were good parts, too. The 2.5 years I spent with him didn't all go to waste.

 

But any day I spent crying over him post-breakup is a day wasted.

 

Of course, I didn't expect to be healed overnight, or even during the course of two weeks. I have feelings, and I felt the immense pain caused by rejection, disillisionment, and abandonment even though I wished I didn't. I wallowed in that pain and faced it head on. There's something to be said about having the luxury to wallow in your misery. It does help in the healing process. But as I said, there's no point in prolonging the misery because people always have a choice to be happy.

 

I don't have Asperger Syndrome but my Myers-Briggs Personality Type is is INTP (Introversion, iNtuition, Thinking, Perception). I'm an essentially a thinker. My heart feels pain because I'm human but my head reigns supreme. Oh I do have bad days but most of the time my head rules my heart. We INTPs tend to do that.

 

Now had my ex died I would still be grieving for him until now, and maybe for the rest of the year. But no, he left me, he chose not to be with me. I deserve better than that. I can't find it in my heart to grieve for a long time over someone who can just walk away without looking back.

 

On the other hand at least I'm grateful I felt the pain, even though my recovery process is pretty quick. It reminds me that I'm very much human and not a robot. The pain also taught me some very important lessons in life. They were lessons that I paid a high price for, but they were worth learning.

 

In the end people are wired differently, and it's just a fact we have to deal with. I have a friend who got dumped by her boyfriend two weeks before I got dumped. We became break-up buddies. However after a month and a half, my progress was already far, far ahead of hers. She couldn't understand how I could move on so fast, in the same way I couldn't understand why she was still stuck as if it was Day 1. But in spite of that, I didn't think she was weak and immature, and she didn't think I was only in denial and repressing my pain. Instead, we've been there for each other the past three months, and I believe that I will have a lifelong friendship with this girl after everything we've been through together.

[hexaemeron]

Thank you for your understanding, san_panda. I appreciate you laying this out logically and not making me out to be a bully, monster or robot. I'm glad to hear you're doing better.