JohnGalt Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 I doubt it's really over. I would consider it a relationship vacation if I were you. As soon as your circumstances change, the break will be over. It still must hurt an awful lot though. Agreed. The problem is, she doesn't know when he'll come back. Could take upwards to a year. Link to comment
waveseer Posted February 21, 2009 Author Share Posted February 21, 2009 Agreed. The problem is, she doesn't know when he'll come back. Could take upwards to a year. I'm not sure why he had to make it so difficult. Maybe that part will not last a year. Link to comment
UCLAMike Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 ENA has convinced me that acceptance is the key to healing after a relationship ends. So, I was thinking that talking about why we are finding it difficult to accept that it's really over might help a few people. I'll start. I found it difficult to accept that even though the behavior was obvious any spouse and parent could be so selfish and cruel. I found it difficult to accept that what I thought we experienced together meant so little to the other person when it meant so much to me. What did you have trouble accepting? I feel the same with you. Here I am 7 months in still thinking about her, yet she was able to move on so quickly without ever breaking NC into a new relationship. It tells you how much the relationship meant to the other person. It really hurts. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 It's all mental. We were rejected. Hell if we would've beat them to the punch, they'd be on ENA and not us. Link to comment
waveseer Posted February 21, 2009 Author Share Posted February 21, 2009 It's all mental. We were rejected. Hell if we would've beat them to the punch, they'd be on ENA and not us. I ended the relationship that brought me here, I still needed to heal. Link to comment
JohnGalt Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 do u want ur guy (gal) back? Link to comment
waveseer Posted February 21, 2009 Author Share Posted February 21, 2009 I can't say I want him back, but depending on how differently we can approach things I'm not going to say never to wanting him forward. Link to comment
top bloke Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 In order for me to get on with my life, I had to accept that no matter what happened in the future, I needed to live in the now. This is the best statement...for many to see and be highlighted...living in the now lets you move forward free of the pain of the past and doubt about the future..well done!! Link to comment
peace_lily Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 I think the biggest problem for some is that they were happy to some extent with the relationship and were avoiding seeing that the other person was withdrawing. Then when the other person finally leave it's such a big shock to them. And that endless hope of "I know if we did this or that differently, we'd still be together" runs through their minds. But everyone has to understand that even if things could have been different and worked out, they aren't different in the present and that you are broken up. I think this is really really true. You hit the nail on the head. I have a hard time accepting the idea that I will find someone else and that it will be better than what I had. I have a hard time accepting the idea that we can't be friends; that calling him on the phone and asking him for advice just isn't healthy for me. And I have a hard time accepting the idea that we were bad for each other and the fact that I bought my happiness with him by sacrificing who I was and what I really wanted; I really feel bad about myself for this sometimes. I have a hard time accepting the idea that it's okay for me to be with anyone else and not feel guilty. And yes, even after 84 odd days (I had to count; I don't keep track regularly anymore), every once in a while I have a hard time accepting that it's really over, forever. I just miss him so much. But what's done is done. Link to comment
peace_lily Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 Yeah, this is pretty much what I feel like most of the time too; sometimes it just gets to me, mostly after I spend time with the new guy. I didn't change e-mail or phone but I did move and I go to many of the places we used to go. Except that I know he would care (he wrote me to that effect). I wish I could just write him off as a bad person and say he never cared and didn't care, but the truth is that he is just a person who behaved very badly and loved me once, what feels like a long time ago. I realize that I was unclear in my last post-- it's been about 5 months since the breakup and 84 days NC. (Wednesday will be what would have been our 3 year anniversary-- it's also Ash Wednesday. Somehow I see this as very fitting: ashes to ashes, dust to relationship dust.) Congratulations on the driver's license. That's a big deal. Link to comment
peace_lily Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 Your situation is a lot different since you know he cares. Why don't you call him then? I know with absolute certainty that my ex doesn't care how I am doing and what is going on in my life so it was so much easier for me in that respect. And thanks (bought my own car too.) Although I know he genuinely cares about me and wants me to be happy, his bad behavior hasn't stopped. It's ongoing. He's with someone else that he emotionally cheated on me yet and hasn't acknowledged that what he did was cheating. In other words, he wants me to be happy just so long as it doesn't get in the way of what he wants. When we were together, I got into a really bad habit of using his approval for validation. Anything that he says, good or bad, is just going to feel like him passing judgment on me and I'm not emotionally ready to just let that judgment be what it is (one person's opinion) instead of treating it like an indication that my life is good or bad or whatever. And sometimes I'm very happy and sometimes I'm very sad. When I'm very happy, I have zero interest in talking to him so there's no point in calling him. And when I'm sad, well, it's not his job to cheer me up any more and I don't want him to see me as weak.(I'm not implying that sadness = weakness, I just know that that's what he thinks.) I can't call him because I don't trust myself not to be on that emotional rollercoaster again or to call her nasty names. It goes back to the general idea of this thread... I have a hard time accepting that he is still with the person he left me for. Also I promised myself that I would get to at least 90 days NC before I decided to do anything or not do anything. 6 days to go. Probably I'll sign on for another 30 days at the end of this stretch. Link to comment
Sparkie Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 I struggle to accept its over because I love her so much. I know she loves me. I know she is hurting too. I know she has asked for NC because she finds it hard to stay away, but believes that she must. All of our on/off cycles occur because we generated some built up hurt / frustration / and resentment when we were fwb for 5 years. We tried to do differently, but little things now, trigger off hurt from the past. So we have some great times, but then something will occur that subconsciously reminds us of previous hurt. So I struggle with acceptance because I think it could be fixable. Because we have so much good will between us. Because the recent issues stem from the past, not from now. And because we both wanted to get past this, but chose to just try and do different, rather than rake through the past. And it cost us. Link to comment
StillSmiling Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I also struggle because I still love him and believe he still loves me. I believe I was one of the very few that he actually 'let in" - and it scared him when I was not there for him 100%. After nine months, I have yet to accomplish more than a few months NC at one time. The sense that the story is not over is overwhelming - and not healthy for me. It's just that friggin HOPE. The day I can get rid of that - I'm having a party! Link to comment
Dani0613 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I struggle accepting that it's truly over for good based on things she tells me, all the while being in another relationship. She still tells me that she loves me, that I am 'the one that got away', that her 'heart dropped' when she saw me 2 weeks ago, that if she could do it again 'she never would have left me' and 'if it's meant to be, it will be'. How can someone say things like that, but choose to be with another? I struggle b/c, based on what she's voiced, I'm the only one who's ever allowed her to be 'herself' and who knows her to the depth that I do. She's never fully come out and said, 'we will never be together again, it's best that you move on'. Though her actions dictate that, her words are quite the contrary. We had an amazing relationship until she decided to end it and for that, I have a difficult time fully letting go. Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 The sense that the story is not over is overwhelming - and not healthy for me. It's just that friggin HOPE. The day I can get rid of that - I'm having a party! Me too - maybe if they coincide we can throw a joint one! I need a holiday... I struggle b/c, based on what she's voiced, I'm the only one who's ever allowed her to be 'herself' and who knows her to the depth that I do. She's never fully come out and said, 'we will never be together again, it's best that you move on'. Though her actions dictate that, her words are quite the contrary. We had an amazing relationship until she decided to end it and for that, I have a difficult time fully letting go. This is killing me too, I still hope deep down that the bond my ex has with her new boyfriend will pale in comparison to the one we shared. I had to specifically go and make her tell me we were never getting back together again just so I could get closure, and even then I still didn't believe her, but I think that's just me refusing to accept the cold, hard truth. She has given me closure tenfold by her actions (getting a new boyfriend) but I still can't let her go. I wonder if I ever will, I feel so stupid Link to comment
Dani0613 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Don't feel stupid. You can't blame your heart for what it feels. There will come a time when you've finally said, 'self, enough is enough!...it's MY turn to be happy'... Uh, I'll let you know when I get there..lol Link to comment
Nearwater Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Easy to know why I struggle- She chose to leave love for money a fit, fun sexy devoted SINGLE man for a fat old married one Rebounds end badly, hers will be no different he is still married and his kids don't accept her ( after 3 failed marriages) She cried last time we talked I love her dearly, as no one I met in 25 years of dating... Link to comment
90_hour_sleep Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 The sense that the story is not over is overwhelming - and not healthy for me. It's just that friggin HOPE. The day I can get rid of that - I'm having a party! once again...your optimism is inspiring! i like that idea. i think i struggle to accept that it's over...because it hurts. plain and simple. it hurts. Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Don't feel stupid. You can't blame your heart for what it feels. There will come a time when you've finally said, 'self, enough is enough!...it's MY turn to be happy'... Uh, I'll let you know when I get there..lol Me too, it seems my head and heart are at constant war with one another. One says 'stop torturing yourself, she's gone, move on with your life as she's never coming back' and the other says 'she loved you more than anyone she's ever been with, perhaps in time she'll miss you and realise you were too special to let go'. I guess, like the poster above, I can't accept it simply because it hurts too much. Link to comment
Dani0613 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Me too, it seems my head and heart are at constant war with one another. One says 'stop torturing yourself, she's gone, move on with your life as she's never coming back' and the other says 'she loved you more than anyone she's ever been with, perhaps in time she'll miss you and realise you were too special to let go'. I guess, like the poster above, I can't accept it simply because it hurts too much. I completely understand what you're going through. The woman I love said exactly the things I wanted to hear her say the last time I saw her. But, her words are not enough; her actions dictate something entirely different. I want to BELIEVE in what she said to me b/c I love her so dearly, but it's not enough. I've gotten to a point where I'm recognizing and realizing that unless she's knocking on my door asking for another chance, it just is what it is; we're not together. I need to live my life b/c I deserve SO much more than this. You do too. Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 I've gotten to a point where I'm recognizing and realizing that unless she's knocking on my door asking for another chance, it just is what it is; we're not together. I need to live my life b/c I deserve SO much more than this. You do too. Thanks, I'll try and remember what I've quoted above. Unless she's knocking at my door then I should try to accept the situation for what it is. She knows where I live, she can get in touch any time she wants to but her actions speak a thousand times louder than the words I want to believe Link to comment
Dani0613 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Thanks, I'll try and remember what I've quoted above. Unless she's knocking at my door then I should try to accept the situation for what it is. She knows where I live, she can get in touch any time she wants to but her actions speak a thousand times louder than the words I want to believe Hang in there. You can do this. Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Hang in there. You can do this. WE can do this Link to comment
Dani0613 Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 WE can do this Yes, WE can. We can't allow ourselves to crumble over ONE person. Look how many wonderful, beautiful, amazing, single people there are out there!! Link to comment
BrokenheartUK Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Yes, WE can. We can't allow ourselves to crumble over ONE person. Look how many wonderful, beautiful, amazing, single people there are out there!! I hear you and I know there's a world of girls out there waiting, but...I only want her Link to comment
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