Elephant in room - help!

[angellady]

quick background... My boyfriend and I have been together 4 months, are very much in love and committed. We live 2 hours apart and can only see each other half the week due to my schedule with my teenage son whom I share with my ex.

 

My boyfriend is a home builder and is currently living in a house that he is remodeling. When he finishes this home, he plans to move his career to my area to be closer to me. In order to speed up the job, he has hired a helper, which is common for him to do. The problem is that this helper is a woman that he was casual friends with and now is becoming very good friends with. She is our age, very nice, pretty, good shape, etc. He claims to have no attaction to her and I believe him and also believe that he has no intention of being unfaithful. When he told me of the arrangement, I didn't think I would have a problem with it, but I was there the morning that she started work and saw how invigorated my boyfriend was to have a helper to share his day with, they had great cameraderie, and I felt like a 5th wheel in his house. She doesn't drive, so he picks her up and takes her home each day. They spend all day, every day in his HOME working closely together and even eat lunch together. Even though I know nothing inappropriate is happening, I am having a problem feeling close to him when I know that another woman is closer to him. We have discussed this ad nauseam, he feels the work situation is fabulous for him (he trusts her and is thrilled with her performance) and that I am not justified in worrying about it. I am 90% certain that he would not be physically unfaithful, but I am hurt that he is choosing to spend all day every day with this woman when our time together is limited. They will have spent 2 1/2 full days before we have the opportunity to see each other again. He has had jealousy issues early in our relationship over pre-existing guy friends of mine and I cut off contact with those men since I felt it was not worth undermining my current relationship. So, I am resentful that I am not getting the same consideration, yet I know that he will resent me if he gives up this great work relationship due to my concerns. I guess the main thing is that I am not able to feel close to him since another woman is closer. How do I resolve this? sorry this is so long, but I really would be thankful for any advice/insight!

[DN]

Basically, although you trust him and are sure he would not cheat, you would be asking him to fire a good worker with whom he works very well (and who may have difficulty getting another job) because you are jealous of the time he spends with her while working.

[arwen]

This situation really puts your trust to the test, doesn't it! I think that you should focus on this part:

 

When he finishes this home, he plans to move his career to my area to be closer to me. In order to speed up the job, he has hired a helper, which is common for him to do.

His long term goal is to move to YOU. So she is sort of a 'tool' in that process.

 

Have you expressed these feeling in relation to him being jealous of your guy friends? I find it a bit of a red flag that you felt you should end friendships for a guy you've only been involved with for 4 months.

 

I don't think he sees this as 'choosing her over you'. I get the impression that they are just colleagues, you'd be worried about other things if something suspicious was going on- his behavior towards you would be different. She is a colleague, you are his gf. If they are working in the same house, it's no surprise they eat lunch together. I share my office with a male colleague and we eat lunch together (and with other colleagues of the department) regularly. I didn't choose him, and nothing would EVER happen because he's the opposite of what I am attracted to- but we get along. When I was 2 hours apart from my fiance (now we live together), it was the same, in terms of hours I'd see my colleague more than I saw him.

 

Maybe that helps you putting things in perspective?

 

Has his behavior towards you changed since he hired her? In terms of calling/texting/... ? Does he see her outside of work/commuting?

[winchester3]

Question OP. When your hanging out with one your your really close guy friends did you ever want to go cheat on your boyfriend with them, risk losing your relationship, lie to your boyfriend about it, and probably ruin your friendship afterwards? I'm thinking not. Now if you trust him then dont worry about it. It's no different then you working with one of your guy friends.

[KG]

angellady,

 

Having been in the biz also, I know it's hard to find good, reliable help. And his aim is to move closer to you, so finishing the project the soonest is important to him, and you.

Ultimately, he is coming to be with you, so try to let this insecurity pass.

Try seeing it in this light.

[savignon]

In addition to the above posts, consider how tiring it will be for him to have this discussion with you "ad nauseum" as you said. You'll have to respect that while you have cut ties with some guy friends, he believes that in a trusting relationship, you don't have to give up friends or a part of who you are or an employee to please his partner. You seem to feel that giving up friends is a sacrifice you are willing to make and thereforee have the same expectation of a partner, but you'll either need to "agree to disagree" and then TRUST that person, or run the risk of ruining a good thing.

[angellady]

Hi all, Thanks for your insight. It sure helps put things in perspective. I guess I realize I am being unreasonable, yet find the blending of personal and professional life unsettling. This a.m., we were making plans for him to come see me tonight and he mentioned if he quits work at 4:00, takes a shower, drops Jill off at home, then he'll be here by 7:00. It's just odd that a co-worker is hanging out waiting for my bf to shower, especially when she has already been in both his bathroom and bedroom as they worked on the remodel. By the end of this job, she will know every detail about his habits, right down to the type of underwear he wears. Well, all that was just venting (thanks for listening!) and I will really try to ignore his work situation so that we don't need more discussions.

 

Some of you saw red flags with me changing my behaviour. He is a recovering alcoholic (10 years sober) and was upfront about this before we met and said he needed a light/non-drinking woman. I believe I am such a person, except I would go out for a party night with close friends once every few months and get pretty wasted so that we would need to plan our rides home in advance. He has always had issues with alcohol and has stated that he believes being in a bar with a person of the opposite sex is "pre-foreplay" (huh?? I just consider that weird and my experience is just the opposite; back in the days when I was younger and more inclined to be 'hit on', my girlfriends and I had several tactics to make sure that we would just be left alone). So, I have given up drinking in bars with guys, entirely cut-off contact with 2 casual guy friends, and have promised no more binge drinking (I'm 47, so didn't really need to be doing that one anyway). We will have an issue when a very close guy friend is back in town for a visit (he moved to another distant state a year ago). This guy was one of my best friends that I would see both alone and with my girlfriends at least once per week. The bf did not ask me to change any behaviour, but merely insisted that he cannot be in a relationship with a woman that feels it is appropriate to have drinks with men, so basically I had an ultimatum and I weighed the relationship potential against the value of what I gave up. I am hoping that bf will be more secure in the relationship before good friend arrives for a visit, but I guess we'll cross that when it comes. As it is, this scenario will likely keep good friend out of town.

I welcome any more comments and appreciated each and every reply. All of you have given wise responses. Seems I'm in a phase where hearing that clarity is helpful.

[Chihuahua]

Oh man, you are a better woman than me to allow that arrangement. I, for one, have my trust issues, granted, but this arrangement seems a little extreme to me. I think it's inappropriate, regardless of the nature of the work.

 

From picking her up every morning, dropping her off every night, having her hang around while he showers, having lunch together every day...too much time together, one on one, all up in his personal space. That seems extreme for any profession. I realize he may have the best of intentions, but human nature is always lurking...and you may not be too sure of her intentions. I don't mean to scare you, I'm sorry. I just would hate to see you posting with a bigger problem later. Surely there has to be a solution that would make you both happy about the situation.

[angellady]

Chi,

You were right on. As I thought of how my bf tends to lack boundaries and share personal details so easily, I imagined this woman becoming his confideant and kind of lost it (I hate to admit) and asked bf if he had shared our fight and he admitted yes and even let slip that he also shared details re an earlier fight and she denigrated me and his relationship, so long story short, he is firing her. Later, he also divulged that she suggested that "if you are doing the time, you might as well do the time" and he took that to mean that she was ready, willing and able, although he did not take her up on it. I am furious that he continued to fight for this work relationship after her proposition, not to mention long after he breached employer/employee protocol. He is bending over backwards now to make things right. I am still hurt, but am thinking we're going to make it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I work with a lot of men and would never cheat with any of them. We spend lots of time together including lots of overtime, but i have no interest in any of them.

 

So the real issue is is he trustworthy? He could work with a million women and they could come onto him, but if he loves you and believes in being faithful, he won't cheat no matter what she does.

 

So work on keeping your own relationship with him strong and don't be jealous of every woman he might work with. He sounds like a good guy, but he didn't like being distrusted. Sometimes ordering someone to do something to do with his business might anger him and make him less likely to fire her becuase he doesn't want you interfering with the business. So the fact that this woman was bad and he had to fire her doesn't mean you should prohibit other women from working with him, or he might get fed up wtih that.