What should I do about a girl who….

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

Ok I work with this girl. She is totally hot. She has a boyfriend. She’s been very open with me about the fact that she is with someone. However, she’s been complaining to me a lot about the way he treats her (not abuse or anything, just not attentive enough).

 

She seems to find excuses to talk to me, and she keeps the conversations going. We’ve exchanged some odd glances and she is very touchy feely with me. I can’t help but get the vibe that she is attracted, but I’ve been wrong before. She’s very affectionate with me and has started giving me hugs, like when one of us is going home for the day or something.

 

The problem is I am starting to really like her. I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t know what to do though? She has a boyfriend and I don’t feel comfortable making the first move or asking her out while she is in a relationship. She hasn’t broken it off with him, though she has hinted about not knowing if they will work out or not.

 

I don’t want to tell her that I am starting to have feelings for her, at least not while she is still with him. But a part of me wants to do something about it. I guess I’m afraid she won’t feel the same way. She hasn’t actually told me she finds me attractive or anything, and she hasn’t done anything more than give me hugs.

 

I haven’t had much luck in the past in these types of situations. So I don’t know if she is just feeling closer to me and we are becoming “just friends”, or if she really likes me. If she were single, I probably would have asked her out already. It sucks because I want to either get rejected and move on or preferably get a date with her.

 

I feel stuck in limbo, and the more attention she pays to me, the more I want her to pay. It’s torture! I’ve started talking to her less and pulling away a little because I can’t handle it. She has no idea the thoughts that go through my head when she presses her body next to mine when giving me a hug. I need it to stop, but I don’t want to be mean or become a jerk.

 

What do I do?

[waveseer]

Next time she hugs you hold her really tightly and make it obvious. She will either freeze, melt, or recoil. It will cause something to change.

[Seymore]

Well, be careful. Good terms or not with her boyfriend, he's still her boyfriend. You don't just want to be the shoulder to cry on, or you could wind up torturing yourself. Maybe she's having the grass is greener syndrome and she's looking at you? I'd wait until she DOES break up with him, if she does, and even then, be careful because you could be the rebound.

[simpledevotion]

I have been this girl before. She is only showing you affection because her boyfriend isn't paying any attention to her. I don't mean to be a B... but, once her BF shows affection to her, she won't really pay any attention to you. Find someone who will be there for you full- time. You don't want a part- time lover Plus sharing is not cool. It's kinda dirty .

[spacialize]

maybe this is what my friend is doing

she's in a long distance with her boyfriend and doing something similar

even though she lives 3 hours away from me

but dude-- you work with her-- i wouldn't do anything man

nothing good can come from this

because:

she could not fel the same way and then you'd have big problems at work-- not worth it-- you'd probably have to find another job

why would she be with you? you'd be a rebound--

not worth it man

only way this could work out with you two is if she broke up with her boyfriend-- time passed- she dated other people and then she came around to you

sucks, but that's the only stable solution

careful and good luck

[dr_styles]

Usual disclaimer of being the (literally) dateless guy so take my post with a grain of salt, but just for your own sake you should start turning her down with all these things. Not talking about the cold shoulder or silent treatment, but things like cutting short the boyfriend complaint conversations, and not getting the hugs. Maybe even a jokingly (serious in your mind though) "stop doing that" if she gets touchy-feely.

 

Going on with unproven and presumptuous post the two things hoping to do are: 1. less exposure to the whole charm factor which is getting you interested (your rational mind is clearly losing the battle here the more she does it), 2. see how she reacts, if anything different at all.

[Northalius]

She's not worth it. If she's doing this WHILE in a committed (supposedly) relationship with a guy already, then that's a sign she lacks maturity and integrity enough to stay away from flirting with another guy. If she's doing this to you right now when she's currently in a relationship, would you think she might do this to another guy if, by chance, she's with you one day in the future?

 

If you don't like games, then don't try hooking up with players. Tell her she needs to be open and up front with her BF so they can work this out. If they can't work it out, then they should stop seeing each other. Once she's totally over him, then she can start looking for someone else.

 

THAT'S the correct, and mature, way to go about this.

[epsilon2x]

Remember this.

 

If she does cheat on her boyfriend with you or anything close to that, she'll do the exact same thing to you.

 

If you really want to be with her. Don't be her shoulder to cry on, and don't listen to her bs about her boyfriend. Straight up tell her you don't want to hear about her boyfriend and talk about something else.

 

To me it sounds like she just thinks of you as a nonthreatening guy that she can open up to. If you want to get with her, you can't be that guy she complains to.

[imsuperman]

I have been this girl before. She is only showing you affection because her boyfriend isn't paying any attention to her. I don't mean to be a B... but, once her BF shows affection to her, she won't really pay any attention to you. Find someone who will be there for you full- time. You don't want a part- time lover Plus sharing is not cool. It's kinda dirty .

 

Trust me. Listen to what the women said!

 

Been you in this situation. Nothing happened. If it's too painful, cut out your interactions with her. It's the only way.

[t3nder_v1ttl3s]

I guess my question is, how do I stop interacting in a way that doesn’t make me look like a jerk? I mean we do work together.

 

I just can’t handle this because it seems like she may like me, I know I like her and I can’t even find out if there’s a chance for something because she has a boyfriend.

 

Not knowing and not being able to find out is the worst.

 

What you guys have said makes sense. My logical side knows you are right.

 

I could just try and avoid her. But we work together so it’s not that easy to do. She’ll be able to tell I’m different but is it fair for me to just give her the cold shoulder like that when she won’t know why I’m doing it?

 

I’m not sure just opening up to her is a good idea either. How should I approach this so that we can still work together but I can get her to stop being so affectionate to me? It just makes me confused about what she wants and makes me want her when I know I shouldn’t.

[servedcold]

She's obviously looking for an upgrade, thing is, don't assume you are special, she likely is doing the exact same thing with other "candidates" in other facets of her life. Would learn to avoid relationships with the "serially monogamous" types who can't live with the thought of not being in some sort of "relationship continuity" but she might be a fun diversion for awhile. Don't avoid her, ramp up the heat. You will be doing her BF a favor as a fringe benefit, as he may not realize she's not quality relationship material yet and could get stuck with her long-term. Above all, do not get serious or attached to her, as she will do the exact same thing to you one day if you do.

[Clarity]

You may or may not be in the friend-zone.

 

Sounds to me like you are already doing the right thing. Don't be so buddy-buddy with her. Don't talk with her about everything, if she asks what your plans are for the weekend or that night, be vague. If you tell her everything, there is mystery, she'll feel like she could have you if she wanted, which makes you less attractive. If you appear like a challenge, she just might take it.

 

Of course, I agree with what everyone says, usually a girl who'll do this to one guy, will do it to the next, but that's a generalization. Even girls like this have to settle down at some point...