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Struggling with compromise


k-rock

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My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half and have been sharing an apartment for the past 6 months. When we first moved in together it was difficult. He got a virus on his lap top a long time ago (like before we moved in together) and it no longer works. I have a desktop computer that we now share. Once we started sharing the computer we started having some problems because he is an internet porn person and I was completely unaware prior to sharing a computer. We've talked about the issue a lot and although I'm not happy about it I'm trying to be understanding because it's not something he is willing to give up. We set up separate accounts so I didnt have to deal with the porn. Since we were sharing my computer I set a boundary that nothing was to be downloaded. He could stream or whatever or view images online but nothing was to be downloaded (since they're always virus / adware packed).

 

There has been two instances since then (probably more that I don't know about though) where he has downloaded and now the computer is running poorly. My personal account is pretty normal but when he tries to use his the webpages fail or the computer freezes up or crashes. I regularly run virus scans / adware / spyware scans and have turned up viruses and a trojan. I've isolated those files but there's only so much I know how to do. His account has gotten to the point where he can't use it anymore so we've both been using my account. I know he's still looking at porn (I don't know about downloading but...) since my history is always clearned when I get home.

 

So, I'm stuck here. I don't really know what to say or do. I've tried talking to him about it (since it is my computer) but there's no real wiggle room. He says if something happens he'll pay to have the computer reformatted and I should just back up my files but I'm feeling really stuck. I don't think I should have to sacrifice my computer and have to deal with no having one when he finally breaks it and it needs to get fixed just so he can get his rocks off....

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You need to back up your files that you care about right away. Technically the best thing to do is reformat your hard drive and reload your system from cd's. You are spending too much time and effort to support his porn habit. It's your computer and you have every right to determine what happens and doesn't happen on it.

 

If he wants to surf porn he can get his laptop fixed (so he can break it again).

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No you are not stuck. Put your foot down and tell him to get his own computer.

 

Why doesn't he just pay for a new laptop?

If he's willing to pay to fix your computer when he fries it with porn, why can't he just go and buy himself one?

 

In all honesty, I would not let my partner on my computer and destroy my computer if that's what he was doing. Nope, sorry. He needs to get his own. This is your computer, and you're being way to nice by supporting his addiction to porn and allowing him to destroy something that is yours. The fact that he is even doing it in the first is appalling.

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I don't have a windows cd anymore so I can't reformat it myself. I completely agree that I have the right to determine what happens on my computer and he agrees but then he goes and does what he wants. the only way i could do that is by password protecting it and not letting him use it when I'm not home (which we've tried but soon it becomes a huge hassle to have to type in the password for him when he needs it).

 

His lap top is pretty much unfixable at this point too. God, I am so stressed out lol

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You're being way too nice.

 

If he wants to surf porn, he needs to find a way to do that by himself.

 

Tell him straight up, my computer is porn free and I cannot trust you to not watch porn so I am password protecting it. If you want porn, go buy your own computer to fry. Not mine.

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don't let him use your computer.

 

doesn't he want help for this? this is not a healthy behavior. Internet porn is also highly addictive, because the eimages are so plentiful and always changing. personnally this would be a deal breaker for me, but whatever you decide, all the best to you and your relationship.

 

why do you put up with this?

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I agree with the others who say do not let him use your computer. He can get his own laptop. Make sure that he understands exactly why and that the only reason you prefer this is that it is ruining your computer and you really need it to be functioning properly. He may try to act like you are being selfish or something and in that case, I would just repeat to him the reason why you don't want him using it (virus issues and the comp not running properly) and reiterate that it's not because you're being a dog in the manger with your stuff.

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That would make me angry. I would password protect it & tell him he needs to figure out some other way of accessing the internet & his porn because he can't use your computer anymore, even when you are home. What, he can't rent videos? He has to download porn to a computer?

 

In my opinion there is always a risk with internet porn. What if one of those girls looks 21 but is actually 15? Then you will have child pornography on your computer and now you will be in trouble for something you weren't even doing.

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I tolerate the porn (even though I don't like it) because from what I've heard most guys look at it and I know that every person has some vices (like smoking, or eating, or swearing, etc) and I suppose this is his. I love him and he loves me but I know changing him (just like changing anyone) is impossible.

 

I am getting really tired though. I just feel exhausted with dealing with this issue.

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I tolerate the porn (even though I don't like it) because from what I've heard most guys look at it and I know that every person has some vices (like smoking, or eating, or swearing, etc) and I suppose this is his. I love him and he loves me but I know changing him (just like changing anyone) is impossible.

 

I am getting really tired though. I just feel exhausted with dealing with this issue.

 

 

nice rationalization! no not all guys are hooked on internet porn.

 

lesten to yourself!! you say you are exhausted! and it's YOUR computer! at least forbid its use and the the big man to get his own. he's old enough to surf internet porn, but he needs moma to provide him the computer!

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lol i tried the whole 'rent videos' angle when this problem first arose but lol i can testify the videos out there are extreme. i tried picking out a couple that seemed tame too to show him it could be done and it didnt work out.

 

you guys are right though... it's my computer and this shouldn't be such an issue. if i was borrowing and wrecking something of his he'd be pissed too and would probably revoke my using rights so i shouldnt feel so guilty.

 

i just know money is tight for both of us right now so i know he can't really afford to fix his computer or buy another one but... that's not really my fault... at least he can't say i didn't try.

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Thats ridiculous. This is your computer and you are doing him a favor by letting him use it. He should be thankfull he is getting that opportunity for necessity use neverming the porn. Tell him if he wants to use porn to buy himself his own laptop for that purpose. A decent used laptop can cost as little as 300-400$ and if he messes that one up he can fix it then. I would just tell him use my computer for non-porn related things or don't use it at all end of story. You are really being too soft here

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lol i tried the whole 'rent videos' angle when this problem first arose but lol i can testify the videos out there are extreme. i tried picking out a couple that seemed tame too to show him it could be done and it didnt work out.

 

you guys are right though... it's my computer and this shouldn't be such an issue. if i was borrowing and wrecking something of his he'd be pissed too and would probably revoke my using rights so i shouldnt feel so guilty.

 

i just know money is tight for both of us right now so i know he can't really afford to fix his computer or buy another one but... that's not really my fault... at least he can't say i didn't try.

 

You need to prioritize right away. Are you more concerned with having a working computer or are you more concerned with not being seen as the "bad guy". Who cares if he thinks you're being fair, really?

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Underlying the computer woes is the trust issue. All addictions lead to lies and when there have been enough lies the trust breaks down. Maybe you should start your discussion with him at that point and let him know how you feel.

 

 

good point. it IS an addiction.

 

listen, there is a difference between porn and erotic film. in porn it is all about the thrusting of the guy, so he can make the girl screma and boost his ego. the woman does not exist. erotism is absent. there are characteristic differences between the two tupes of movies.

 

1) porn has the absnce of RELATIONSHIP.it is merelly about using one body to satisfy an urge. there is no desire or erotism.

 

2) ejaculatory signature label of the male on some part of the woman,s body (visible)

 

3)no kissing

 

this is by jocelyne obert, sexologist

 

and like someone else says, some of these girls are way young teenagers. I have loked at what is on the net and for the most part it is underage girls and all based on "genitality", penetration by the male and ego boosting. why

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I'm concerned with having a working computer and a working relationship...

 

I'm not worried about being the bad guy but I wouldn't to be a prude person unwilling to give things out of their realm or experience a try.

 

The fact remains though, I don't look at porn to that extent so I'm getting none of the ups and all of the downs (a broken computer). You guys were very helpful and I intend on talking to him about getting his computer and my computer fixed and keeping separate computers from here forward.

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I'm concerned with having a working computer and a working relationship...

 

I'm not worried about being the bad guy but I wouldn't to be a prude person unwilling to give things out of their realm or experience a try.

 

The fact remains though, I don't look at porn to that extent so I'm getting none of the ups and all of the downs (a broken computer). You guys were very helpful and I intend on talking to him about getting his computer and my computer fixed and keeping separate computers from here forward.

 

you sound like you are ratonalising big time and in denial. you really think that you would be a prude to not accept this internet porn habit?

 

good luck

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ok then... we all are diffrent... I tried to give you info on why it is unhealthy, but ultimatelly you see it as you see it and I see it differently.

 

If he was doing coke 5 days a week, would u acceot it just cause it's different form your habits?

 

that's why I think it's rationalisation on your part... to me ongoing and persistent internet porn surfing is a disgusting deal breaker habit...

 

to each his own

 

I just hope you are happy

 

take care

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This behavior isn't normal in my opinion.

He's destroyed his computer and is on his way to destroying yours and he can't tell himself to stop?

That's an addicition. He can choose to stop, but he's not..that's a problem!

It's not a habit, this is an addiction.

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