My new journal... to recovery.

[IndigoEye]

"Mmf.

I don't think I can do this."

 

Yes, you can.

[sarey]

-sighs-

 

Just one more day.

just one. more. day.

I see my social worker from CAMHS tomorrow too. She's first. Then doctors.

Then Wednesday I go to the nurse for an ECG. I will be asking her if it is possible to get an echocardiogram done. I want to make sure my heart is fine both electrically and structure wise. So then it can be ruled out.

 

Damn doctors, they should have done more, not just a lousy ECG and chest x ray, that cannot rule out heart problems.

 

I'm thinking maybe something could be wrong with my muscles, because I seem to have pain in my joints, ie; legs, arms, shoulders, neck, back, chest. It's not just one place the pain sits, it's practically everywhere.

 

-looks around-

I've been chomping on sweets. I haven't done so in so long. And all I'm worried about is how fat and disgusting I'll be afterwards.

 

I'm resisting counting calories though, I mean, I count some, but I am trying...

 

 

ToV where are you? Need some of your words here.

 

Thank you Indigo and Annie and everyone else.

 

I love this place so much. It's like a home to me.

[sarey]

*grrrr*

 

Recently, I've noticed A LOT of threads about weight, and it's quite triggering, and getting annoying now.

 

I just wanna post a big ol thread saying "STOP!"

Like, seriously.

=/

[sarey]

Oh god my head is hurting so much, my eyes hurt, I feel sick, I am so tired, why is this f*king happening?

 

Feels like a band is wrapped around my head, my eyes are struggling to keep open, they feel strained and exhausted.

 

I hate this.

 

I so hope my GP grows some sense and gives me tests to rule out medical conditions, dammit!

[IndigoEye]

"...pain in my joints,...practically everywhere."

 

I think it's chronic inflammation that makes your joints hurt that much. A tell-tale sign.

 

I'd recently developed it to that degree and began a sup called "Bone and Joint Complex". It's a Chinese herb thing. The pain stopped immediately.

 

Wow. Just read the ingredients. No wonder it works. All things natural and effective.

 

You have great energy. It's not just cheerleader rhetoric to say that you can win.

 

Conceive meditative states of determined optimism and control.

 

You must know that you are in ultimate charge of your health, not any doctor. You hire them and evaluate their competence. You keep them or fire them. So, they come and go as you please; but, you are always there at the helm.

 

Bottom line when it comes to treatment is the proper knowledge is a cakewalk (with a little help). Money gets in the way.

 

With you. Take care.

[sarey]

Actually, I didn't hire him.

I'm in the UK, so it's different here.

[IndigoEye]

Right. I didn't distinguish between state docs and private practice. So sometimes we're stuck with something. Can be difficult. The money issue. I'm dealing with that too.

 

Never stop thinking on available solutions. The best avenue to succeeding sort of grows as you learn.

[sarey]

Well, we don't really have a CHOICE in our doctors.

Well, I don't anyway.

I am stuck with some s*h*i*t*t*y doctor at my surgery, the only one there, the only surgery until miles out of here.

 

We can't even change.

 

He thinks that all of this is down to ANXIETY and puts me on an anti depressant Paroxetine that is banned in some places because of the side effects it does to under 18's.

 

I'm not taking it tho.

Screw thattt.

[IndigoEye]

Good for you. I'm allergic to that stuff. Harsh results.

 

Sorry you are stuck. You have to have surgery?

[sarey]

Oh no, that's what we call the office place, GP Surgery, whatever.

 

The hospital did one good thing for me though, gave me Co Dydramol, it does help with the pain and knocks me out, not so sure about the latter though, if I need to take it during the day, I get so drowsy and quite dizzy and the drunk feeling.

[IndigoEye]

Ha. OK that's good. It's nice to have something to help sleep though. I have Melatonin and that's working great. Not toxic.

[sarey]

It is, but it is quite scary though, because when I take it, the effects hit me quite hard, I'm usually really sensitive to medications, but this is quite powerful anyway, apparently stronger than Codeine, or whatever it's called. o.O

[IndigoEye]

Forgive missing the obvious if so but can you not drop dosage a bit?

[sarey]

The thing is, it doesn't work as effectively if I don't take two. If I take just one, since it already is quite a low dosage, I think that's the lowest dose you can get, (don't quote me on it), it doesn't work as well.

 

And for night time, I am glad it does knock me out because with this pain and everything, I would have a lot of trouble otherwise.

 

I am just quite scared because I could grow an addiction to it. Like, using it to sleep, and when I run out...

then what?

 

Sucks. =/

[IndigoEye]

So for pain (the most severe, sleep-interrupting levels), can you break one in half and do a 1.5 dose? I really suggest melatonin for plain sleep applications. Maybe?

 

(I have trouble receiving new posts when I'm trying to communicate. Sorry. Haven't learned it that well, yet. Have to leave and come back just to get updated posts. Sad. I know.)

[sarey]

(I think everyone does that lol?)

 

It's okay, I'm okay with the side effects, I still got them just taking one, but it's cool. So long it helps the pain, I'm fine.

[IndigoEye]

OK. Sounds like you're in an OK zone there. Hope you don't have a problem running out.

 

Thanks. Just made me feel better at not navigating ENA so well. I never read directions for anything. I just build it and hope it works.

[sarey]

Well, I think everyone does that, go back and leave the thread, refresh, check for new posts, go back to the thread, etc, I do.

 

I am in an OK zone here. Yep. I am in some pain and I'm a bit woozy but I'm OK. Not dead am I? So. Yah.

[IndigoEye]

No. Sound far from dead. You will fine.

 

I have to lie down for a while though, soon. Been without important meds for months. Going down here. See you around.

[sarey]

Have a nice rest.

[sarey]

Arrghh

I'm getting pains in my chest and arms and face and shoulder and head this is just URGH

* * * .!

[sarey]

HE IS NOT EVEN F*KING REFERRING ME TO AN EATING DISORDER CLINIC

HE HAS REFERRED ME BACK TO THE CHILDRENS CLINIC TO MY PSYCH

OMG

WHAT THE * * * *

GREAT.

JUST

* * * * ING

GREAT.

 

I have a stupid blood test on wednesday and an ECG

I'm going to talk to the nurse cuz she may have more damn sense than that * * * * doctor.

GOD SAKE.

Plans out guys.

Not recovering anymore.

NOT EVEN GONNA HAVE THE DAMN HELP I NEED TO F*KING RECOVER!

[tiredofvampires]

Wow, that is stupendously STUPID of him!!!

 

 

 

WHY??? Why did he retract his original plan? Did he say? He knows you have an eating disorder, so why is he changing his mind? Did you ask him?

 

That really burns me up! I tell ya, I'm glad in this one respect that I live here, that I can choose my doctors if I don't like the ones who are managing my care. I have alienated many a doctor with my persistence, but GPs are REALLY good at not listening and tuning out.

 

This doesn't mean though that your plan to recover has to be off. There is GOING TO BE A WAY, no matter what. This is just a setback in the road, ok? He's the one to be angry at here, you're right to be angry at not having any control over your say in your healthcare, but you do still have a say over the most important piece of your healthcare:

 

Sarey.

 

So the wish to protect and care for and make amends and heal Sarey is still as good as it was yesterday.

 

You'll need to be extra persistent in getting help, but wanting the help is at least half the battle won already, so don't throw away that half. It is the most important thing of all.

 

What sort of "psych" treatment and therapist and clinic is this place he's sending you to? Who is this psych? You saw her before?

 

Can your social worker intervene, or can anyone else send you to the eating disorders clinic? How much pull can she have? What was her reaction to your newfound courage to heal and your being sent to the ED clinic? Was she in favor of it? Maybe she can make a recommendation to your doctor about how important this is for you to get this kind of specialized care.

 

When do you talk to her next? Can you speed up an app't with her?

 

Can that nurse over-ride the doctor?

 

You've got to plead your case that you really need this and feel you've been resisting treatment for a long time and don't know why now when you need the help and are accepting it, why you are not being given this chance. Stick it to them. Can a nurse make that referral?

 

In the end, the more you are determined to get to sort this out, the more determined you are being about recovering and your own wellbeing, so try to see this as a little sign that you are very serious in your goal. Which is a GREAT thing. And give yourself a real pat on the back for that!!! Because you mean real business, and where there is a will, there is a way.

[sarey]

My GP I don't think was ever referring me to an ED clinic, he's referred me back to Dr Yi, the psych I was seeing before for CBT.

 

URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm sorry.

I'm just so mad.

I'm in pain.

URGH.

FUC.

SAKE.

[annie24]

i think you should tell Dr. Yi that you have some real issues with food, and ask that he help you work something out. and maybe talk to a nutrionist also, in addition to Dr. yi.