My new journal... to recovery.

[annie24]

i think it's good to be crying. you're starting to release some of those emotions. i never felt 'better' after going to a therapy session, mainly kind of sad and sometimes crying. but it means you are growing. kind of like how going to the dentist is good for you, even though it sometimes hurts.

[sarey]

i'm so angry.

gonna starve tomorrow.

gonna be "that bad".

screw.

recovery.

apparently

im not that bad anyway.

[tiredofvampires]

She said some things that have made my mindset worse.

 

What were those things she said?

 

i'm so angry.

 

Why are you angry?

[sarey]

Said I'm not underweight.

 

I'm angry because my "friend" said to me

ok

so

my mum asked my ED specialist if I would be sectioned if I got worse

she said yes

I told my "friend"

and he said

"Worse?

You don't seem that bad."

 

 

[tiredofvampires]

Well, I'm not sure what "sectioned" means or who this *"friend"* is and why he's in quotation marks....??

 

But what I'm gathering is that you've been told by your social worker and someone else that since you are not deathly underweight you aren't "so bad."

 

I'm here to tell you something, hun:

 

YOU ARE THAT BAD.

 

Pure anorexics get skeletal thin, and can die of it. Bulimics aren't typically as thin as those who don't purge (because the purgers are at least eating.) But you are a very, very serious case of having an Eating Disorder, and you ARE THAT BAD because you are strainging your heart, your esophagus, your brain, your hormones, your immune system, every single tissue in your body is taking a beating from this. And if you continue and abandon your recovery plan, you can still get sick enough to wind up in critical condition. Or dead. Or with lifelong illness you wish you could go back and reverse (just like you said the other day, remember?)

 

Whatever your weight is, look over your entries here, your pain and illness, remember what you said to me about not being able to live like this anymore.

 

Do you want more of that? And for it all only to get worse and worse and worse and worse?

 

What those people said is very unhelpful and it shows that they don't understand the mind of someone with an eating disorder. So I'm telling you something else: YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE AND NEED TO KEEP WALKING AWAY FROM THAT ROAD TO HELL.

 

And you haven't answered...when do you see Dr. Yi?

[sarey]

No Anna said I will be sectioned ie; held/put into inpatient unit if I get worse

I told my friend and he said Worse? You don't seem that bad.

 

And anyway, Anna said I'm in pain because it could be from purging at xmas time which has strained my muscles around / near the heart, which is causing me pain, which takes a normal person up to months to recover from.

 

So I'm not going to bloody die or get some stupid serious illness.

 

I don't. care.

 

And I don't know when I'm having the stupid appt with dr yi and don't care either.

 

I'm going to be weighed next week again so need to lose more.

 

And I'm not damned bulimic, I dont' binge, I restrict or starve, and sometimes purge.

[tiredofvampires]

So what's changed your mind on all this?

 

Sounds like you got angry at a couple of people and then said screw it.

[sarey]

Yep.......

[sarey]

Hmmmm.

 

Apple.

Pot noodle.

Crisps.

 

I ate.

Anyone happy?

 

I'm not.

[sarey]

INCOMING

FATSO

FATSO

FATSO

*sigh*

Fast tomorrow?...

[sarey]

i feel so fat.

i need to lose weight.

i can feel the fat.

i hate it.

i need to lose more.

need to go to the gym and exercise.

need to restrict heavily.

or just don't eat at all.

 

see how fat and failure i am?...

[sarey]

i ate today.

grrrrrrr.

[sarey]

Her: Can someone explain why Sarah's bra is in my room?!

Me: I was turning the hot water on

Her: It was already on

Me: Not when I seen it

Her: Stay out of my room or I'll put a lock on it

Me: Fine, put a lock on it, see if I care

Her: *thinking I can't hear her* Piece of ****

Me: Shut up you fat *****

Her: What did you just call me?

Me: *repeat*

Her: You psychotic so and so blabla

Me: Grow up, you're 18, move the **** out

Her: *rambling curses*

Me: *does the same*

Mother: BOTH OF YOU STOP IT NOW!

 

Hahaha.

She's 15 stone.

She's a fat cow.

I hate her.

I hate her guts.

 

You know in the past, she's asked me if she should make herself sick like I do to loose weight.

 

And she calls ME psychotic?

 

Get.a.goddamn.life.

 

Going to starve all this weekend.

I'm tired of life now.

I'm so. so. tired. of. all. of. this.

 

 

[sarey]

Oh, and guess what I was really doing?

 

I was seeing how fat I was in her mirror and taking pictures to remind myself of how revolting I am.

 

My memory is so crap haha, I forgot my bra.

LOL@me.

[sarey]

Sucks to be me.

[sarey]

Off to sleep.

Another day tomorrow.

Another day full of food, calories, questions, battles.

Draining&exhausting.

&yet this is my life.

Joy.

[sarey]

Oh&I'm on half term for a week.

So. That's the whole week. No distractions. Noone to talk to at school. Noone at all. No socialization.

Great.

Perfect.

Just what I need.

[sarey]

great.

crycrycry

diediedie.

[sarey]

restrict today

 

time to go count count count

maybe purge?...

[sarey]

im in so much pain

it hurts

around my upper left chest

and around my armpit

hurts worse if i push gently

great.

[tiredofvampires]

So...you had a brave plan. A smart plan. A determined plan. A plan to start healing, as you have expressed, whatever it takes, even if there are some stumblings along the way.

 

So this is your first major stumbling in keeping to the road ahead.

 

And I think it would help you to sort of pick it apart.

 

What exactly happened? I, for one, would like to know. But more importantly, I think it's something you should investigate. Because starving, retricting, purging, regressing and continuing to feel ill is not really want you want, is it? That was something you already decided you didn't want.

 

But now, you are behaving as though that's what you want.

 

So something turned you back.

 

What was that?

 

Pick it apart.

 

Dissect it a bit.

 

Insight about oneself and the ability to do this is a very important life skill.

 

Even if you don't have all the answers, you have some clues here.

 

You had a plan and then -- people and their comments made you angry.

 

And after you got angry, you wanted to start this old behavior again, which is self-destructive.

 

Is that right?

 

So then -- when things in life make you angry, it would seem your response to that is to want to harm yourself.

 

Do you see that?

 

Get angry -----> I've got to starve and purge again

 

Some things that make you angry might trigger it more than others, too, but the common denominator is anger, isn't it?

 

Are there other emotions that trigger it as well?

 

I think you should explore this.

[sarey]

anger

confusion

upset

hurt

-shrug-

 

im not exactly going back on recovering because im still flippin eating

(like apig. i might add)

[tiredofvampires]

I'm glad you're eating. And keeping it down -- that is as important as the eating. Keep doing that!

 

So okay. When you get upsetting emotions, there is something that drives you to want to do something to hurt yourself.

 

And there could be a number of reasons for this. Sometimes, we just can't handle the feelings about ourselves that the hurt brings up, so there is a sort of deathwish, or a self-hatred at play.

 

But with anger, sometimes it's about a protest. In some ways, for me, my eating disorder was my last battle cry for people to listen, to take me seriously, to just GIVE A DAMN about how I really felt. It was an effort at a wake-up call, and at the same time, a way to hope that they'd come to be sorry that they ever "made me do this to myself." I wanted them to feel sorry. REALLLLY sorry. Because they seemed completely unrepentant.

 

I don't know what happened to trigger you here, but I wonder if being told that you "aren't so bad" and are of normal weight made you feel that people were minimizing how much pain and suffering you're actually in?

 

Does any of this ring any bells for you? If so, which parts?

 

Now, I'm not a trained psychologist, but apparently you've been referred to the top one who deals with the connection between emotions that you can't deal with, and the dealing with them by taking it out on your body with food.

 

The key here is that you have to find out what makes you go down this path, with someone who can tease apart the train of events that gets you stuck again with your recovery. The thought process has to change from those emotions you listed becoming a desire to purge, to call yourself a pig, or starve to some other way of dealing with the situation that's upsetting you.

 

You've been seeing a social worker for many years, and a ED specialist whom you say you don't really trust and don't really like. And so far, I don't see evidence that you feel progress is going along well with her. So I think it's time to see someone who may have a greater skill level in dealing with this disorder. She may well be better than the ones you've just been coasting with; after all, she's the main ED doctor, you said.

 

So I think you need to step it up, just like you planned. You need someone to coach you on a regular basis about the ins and outs of what triggers you, to work with your emotions and how you feel out of control and want to resort back to this. Everyone gets sad, hurt, angry, confused...but we all have to find ways to channel that without it translating into hitting the self-destruct button.

[sarey]

doesntmatter Tov

im in pain right now

lost all energy

feel exahsuted

i seen belinder toda

it went horrible

i just closed up

i cant do this

its too hard

i cant

but

im still eating

and keeping it down

just dont know how long i can do this for ...

[sarey]

anna is coming at 1pm today.

i see belinder again in 9 days.

i decide today if i want to be referred to an eating disorder team or not... =[