Relative reveals marriage problems to me, then feelings for me...

[Seymore]

I can't even figure out which forum this goes in...

 

This is going to be weird and possibly sick at the same time, but I don’t know who to talk to because it involves family. Bear with me...

 

My mother is from Europe. 90% of her family is still there. When I was 13, and we were visiting her side of the family, I met Anne. Anne is my mother’s cousin’s daughter, she’s about 1 year younger than me. She was the only person I knew there that was my age, but she didn’t speak English, just understood it.

 

Everyday Anne would come over and we’d go for a walk - she’d take me to the forest and we’d throw rocks, things like that. Well, one day I was watching TV and the family went out to get some dinner. It was just me and her. Anne shut the TV off, and was staring at me, moving closer. I could tell she wanted me to kiss her, but I pulled back. It was a little strange to me. This is my family, here.

 

A couple of years later, her friend wrote me a letter saying that Anne told her that she dreamed that I would move to her country and we could be together. I made it clear to Anne after that that we were family, but I’ll always be a friend to her.

 

Years went by and I visited the family again when I was 21. Anne was getting married to a guy down the block. The guy was a jerk, I’d met him before, but I wished them well anyway. They had two children together, the youngest isn’t even a year old yet.

 

Now, all these years, Anne and I have been in correspondence, talking about differences and goings-on between our countries, music, movies, etc. - things friends talk about. I recentlly told Anne about the breakup I just went through and she told me she was going to write me an e-mail from an anonymous address.

 

In this e-mail, she explained that her husband cheated on her 3 times before they married, one of the times a month before the wedding. She said she made a mistake and wanted so badly to leave her parents behind (they’re a little “off”, and that’s putting it lightly), but she doesn’t know what to do now. She’s telling me how miserable she is and how he keeps saying he’ll change. So I used my recent breakup to shed some light on things and help her out. I recommended counseling, told her about people who say they’ll change time after time and don’t, etc. I also told her that I’d always be there to talk to and that I felt for her.

 

She also reveals to me that she fell in love with me the first day we met, and she recalls the day like it was yesterday. Then she acknowledged when her house burned down along with an old gift I gave her that she saw it as a symbol that we could never be.

 

Now, I want to give her advice on the marriage, but touching on the subject of her feelings for me is an icy patch. I've even said in the last couple of e-mails "You're a good friend". I want her to feel that she can talk to me as a friend and not be embarrassed, and she even told me that she hopes this doesn’t hurt our friendship, but it does feel a bit awkward for me now. How should I handle this?

[savignon]

Maybe talk to her about the "grass is greener" complex and while it may seem to her like a dream for the 2 of you to get together, outline the reasons it wouldn't work (distance, family, etc.). It doesn't seem healthy for her to continue fantasizing about possible other outcomes for her life. Suggest that she do what she can to make her life more enjoyable, but make it clear that you and her do not have a future together.

[Seymore]

 

I would just let her know that you're there for her and that it doesn't matter her feelings for you in the grand scheme of things. I would maybe try and see if other family member, especially over there can do something to help her situation.

 

That's the thing...and I already feel kind of bad for bringing this here, because she begged me not to tell anyone (though I'm assuming she just means family). Were certain people in my family to get involved or catch wind, her husband could wind up in a bad way and that certainly wouldn't make things better.

 

EDIT: That last sentence sounded bad. No, I have no mob ties

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>Now, I want to give her advice on the marriage,

 

Big hint: Let a marriage counselor give her advice on her marriage, not you.

 

She's admitted a crush on you. The more you communicate with her, the larger her fantasies and expectations may become. She might even compare you as her white knight against her 'evil' husband, and that it is your job to 'save' her, and in fact take care of her after she leaves her marriage.

 

She sounds a bit immature if she is talking about loving your the first time she saw you and 'signs' of a house burning down and your memento as some kind of sign of the future. She sounds emotionally driven, not rationally driven, so you have to be very careful not to whip up her emotions for you.

 

I'd ramp it back a bit, and when she tries to talk to you about her marriage, keep repeating that you're not a professional, and she needs to be discussing it with a marriage counselor or personal counselor, not you.

 

And you need to make it clear that these discussions you are having are not courtship of her. Start talking to her about your dating other women to discourage her. She needs to not think this is working up to something it isn't, for she might leave her husband thinking you are next in line.

[COtuner]

I think she is lonely and leaning on you as a crutch right now, which can lead to emotions. You need to be supportive but still work on handing her off to someone more qualified or at least not a potential love object.

[Seymore]

>>Now, I want to give her advice on the marriage,

 

Big hint: Let a marriage counselor give her advice on her marriage, not you.

 

Well, I had already told her that if she loves him and thinks they can make it work to see a counselor, so I guess I'll just leave it at that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

No, I meant you need to stop being her marriage counselor. Don't give her advice on whether to stay in her marriage or not. Don't insert yourself into their marriage and make this a triangle, especially if you know she already has feelings for you.

 

Her marital problems should be between her and her husband or them both and the counselor, not a third party who she has romantic feelings for. You just can't be unbiased about her marriage, and neither can she because of her feeligns for you.

[Seymore]

I never said I gave her advice. I'm not trying to be her marriage counselor. I just did what people here tell people in bad marriages - suggested she sees a counselor.

 

I'm sorry, I misworded it in saying "I want to give her advice on the marriage". I wanted to give her advice on steps to take concerning her marriage, and all I said was to see a counselor, just as a friend would tell me were I in the same situation. I'm not going to tell someone to leave a marriage or anything like that - hell no! I'm not Dr. Phil (or whomever). I mean, I personally dislike her husband and think he's a jerk, but it's not my business.

[top bloke]

Seymour...2nd cousin...not that close mate. 3 deep breaths and send her to get her mind/life sorted.When I am with my married brothers and a woman tries to make a play for me..I turn my back and have a saying..she is someone elses problem. Shes not really mine. Especially if shes married!! If you dont feel the same way just be polite..tell her and send her on her merry way.. time heals all pains...trust me.

[Seymore]

I'm family, so I listen to what she has to say, but I don't want her to hate me, either.

Anyway, she wrote again, saying suggesting counseling could wreck her marriage and hurt the children. She just said some of the nicest things about me, recalling the last few times I was there. I wish I had a girl (that WASN'T related) who said such nice things, but I responded by telling her that we are family, and while dreaming of what could be is nice, she has to think about what she's got in front of her right now - a husband and two kids, and she needs to do what she can to be happy in that family, be it having her own getaway time or going to counseling. I left it at that.

 

top bloke, I know what you mean - someone else's problem. I need to get that saying stuck in my head, because I get wrapped up in other people's issues thinking I'm mister fix-it and I'm not.

[Balbina]

Second cousins aren't that close. My grandma wanted me to marry mine... and I had a crush on him when I was about 11. Things are different in Poland...lol

 

However, the situation is sticky and the more you try to swoop in for the rescue, the more it'll be the wrong message you're sending her.

 

She's emotionally unstable right now and her crush on you is probably intensified because you're completely detached from the drama and chaos of her life. I understand you want to help her, but you can't help her without getting involved, because the more you try to steer her in the right direction, the more she'll be headed in yours.

 

Tell her that you care about her as a friend but in order for her to seriously make right in her life, she needs to step up and change something. Tell her to leave her husband, move to a new city, send her some links to job sites in her country if you can... tell her that you want to be there for her, but you're not promising anything to her and you're really not interested in anything more than friendship - and tell her, as a friend, that she needs to change her life.

 

And she does... as soon as you stop feeling sorry for her and realize that she needs to suck it up and try to change her circumstances, you'll adopt a different attitude and she'll see that you won't be sitting there trying to console her and protect her, but are helping her DEAL with real life.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If she tries to butter you up again, i'd just be a bit blunter with her and tell her she needs to be focusing all her attention on resolving her marital problems and shouldn't be turning to you with them. She needs to be talking to her husband about her problems, and not triangulating other people into the equation.

 

She's saying wonderful flattering things about you because she wants you and hopes you take the bait. I suggest you stay way out of it, because if you do date her and break up, then things fracture along family lines. It's best not to get romantically involved AT ALL with family unless they are extremely distant family where the people who know one another don't talk or get together.

[top bloke]

I see women give me the play over the years and as a a married guy and a guy with some common sense we have to turn our backs to it. If you get in the middle youll get in trouble. At least set the boundraries..we are friends..or family as you have. Shes probably a little hottie which wouldnt help but realise she has to sort her problems out ..they are hers..

I know we a helpful guys but we ned a boundary mate.. You sound smart and doing the right things..

[Seymore]

If she tries to butter you up again, i'd just be a bit blunter with her and tell her she needs to be focusing all her attention on resolving her marital problems and shouldn't be turning to you with them. She needs to be talking to her husband about her problems, and not triangulating other people into the equation.

 

She's saying wonderful flattering things about you because she wants you and hopes you take the bait. I suggest you stay way out of it, because if you do date her and break up, then things fracture along family lines. It's best not to get romantically involved AT ALL with family unless they are extremely distant family where the people who know one another don't talk or get together.

 

No, no no....I have never had the intention of dating her! I've always felt her "thing" for me as weird. I mean, it's nice to get compliments, but no way...and besides, the drama I'm just getting over involving my ex is MORE than enough for me right now.

 

My confusion was helping a family member who thought of me as something more. What comes first? I was unsure of how to approach it. I mean, you want to help your family, but the whole situation was just odd to me, so I didn't know what to do...it's not the kind of thing that comes your way every day, you know?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But i think that's the real problem... you're just thinking she's a family member and a friend, and she's approaching you like someone she wants a romance with, trying to entice you to get closer so she has a new relationship to go into if she leaves her husband.

 

This could turn into a disaster if she tells your family you are encouraging her to leave her husband and YOU are the reason she left him, and expected that she and you would be together. It's amazing how some people can fantasize and get carried away, and you need to be careful here that she isn't misunderstanding your 'friendliness'. In many countries, people wouldn't discuss deep feelings and intimate thoughts with each other UNLESS they are courting, so she may misunderstand your intentions.

 

I think you need to backpeddle very quickly if she's expressed her feelings for you, or tell her very bluntly that you would never consider a relationship between the two of you ever, because you are family and it is not appropriate at all where you were raised for cousins to date each other.

[Seymore]

Oh, I understand. Well, like I had said - I told her that we were family and will always be family, and that she needs to work on what she has - her own family and marriage, and to stop daydreaming. She wrote back since saying that she understands and is just happy I'm not angry with her or avoiding her now.

[Reynaldo]

Most importantly the husband should be very caring in a relationship. They should treat every day of their marriage with utmost importance and should try to make his better half happy. He should also provide full satisfaction to his partner in every aspect of their relationship, maybe any romance idea or any other responsibility.