Annie's Journal of Dating and Body Hair Removal

[Applewhite]

If you do decide to break up with him, perhaps you can tell him that you are doing this because you see his lifestyle as incompatible with your life goals and therefore you could not pursue it further. You can tell him that if he is serious perhaps he will have the chance to take his life seriously, make some changes and if you are still both single by then re-consider. Idk maybe this is a crappy idea - just a thought.

[annie24]

If you do decide to break up with him, perhaps you can tell him that you are doing this because you see his lifestyle as incompatible with your life goals and therefore you could not pursue it further. You can tell him that if he is serious perhaps he will have the chance to take his life seriously, make some changes and if you are still both single by then re-consider. Idk maybe this is a crappy idea - just a thought.

 

That's a good suggestion. He's also told me if someone breaks up with him, it is over, out of pride, he would never go back. So I think it would be over for good.

 

Sigh. It breaks my heart. I mean, I like him so much, but increasingly, I don't feel like he's husband material. I know he cares about me, he's good to me, doesn't cheat on me, we have fun together... but I'm not confident that he would be a good provider. I mean, what if I couldn't work - would he get two jobs to support us? I feel like he wouldn't.

 

He's told me over and over that he has a fear of failure, which is why he doesn't go after so many things, but to me, that's just dumb. Maybe just a difference in our life values.

 

Yesterday, the whole day, he was talking about plans for the fall - going there to see the color changes, going to another place to see the christmas lights.... and I'm not even sure we can make it to next week.

 

He's supposed to start that hourly full time job next week. His plan is to do that for a year until he can start student teaching (which doesn't pay) and when the student teaching is over, he can start teaching. I've told him he has to save up money so he can support himself while he's a student teacher. He said that his dad told him he would help during that time. I'm like, "but still, you're 32, you shouldn't expect your dad to support you now." If he knows he won't have income coming in next year, then I think he needs to plan for that and start saving money right now. Even if his dad supports him, it's still nice to have an extra cushion. Or at least take some of the stress off his dad (i.e., have dad give only half support, instead of full support.)

 

It's frustrating and I know it's not even my frustration, but yeah, I worry - what if we lived together, and then he relied on our savings instead of finding a job.... like you said batya.

[Ellie2006]

I'm sorry too that you're going through this ... But if you feel like maybe you two wouldn't last till next week, then maybe it IS finally time to pull the plug ...

 

 

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[Applewhite]

I have to say all your frustrations are rational and real. Btw I understand him too. About being afraid of failure and hesitating to apply for jobs etc (I have that too). I am struggling with some anxiety and depression and life circumstances myself - so I understand that part of it. I find jobs I like and I'm qualified for, but then postpone to apply out of fear (and frustration, because of discrimination etc). But I differ from him in that I have aspirations, want to work full time (or more) to save, build a life and also have no substance habits/addictions.

 

I wonder if there is a way for you to encourage him more. Sit down with him through an application or something like that. I know you shouldn't HAVE TO do it, but maybe you want to.

[annie24]

And the other thing, I don't know if I mentioned this here, but I'm going with Carol to the Caribbean this December over the holiday break. I'm thrilled to do a girls' trip, but I'd like to do this with my boyfriend. I don't see, at this rate, Logan being able to pay for such a thing, even his half.

[Applewhite]

Unrelated - how did the laser hair removal turn out for you? I've had good experiences though it is mighty costly!

[annie24]

Unrelated - how did the laser hair removal turn out for you? I've had good experiences though it is mighty costly!

 

I never went through with it!! I'm still just waxing. You're right, it is costly. I think I will wait until I have a better job (non-postdoc!) and then do it then, particularly the underarm hair.

 

The good news is that I've been waxing my underarms for so long, the hair grows back fine and light so it's not as noticeable.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with the others, it may be time to pull the plug, hard as it may be. If this bothers you now, with time and not much change on his side, you will grow to resent him and maybe even hate him. My ex was kind of like your bf.. He treated me well, etc., but he had no ambition. He aspired to be an artist but never made the effort to sign up for art school, take classes, etc.. He just stayed at his sales job, lived at home, etc. all the while complaining saying the world was against him. In the beginning, I felt bad for him, tried to help him out, but he just persisted in his ways. I grew to resent him, but didn't have the courage to pull the plug on the relationship, mainly because he was the only one who stayed with me. My resentment poisoned the relationship to the point he ended breaking up with me, since in the last few months of it, I started to treat him really badly. In hindsight, I probably should have ended it, when I started to resent him, instead of dragging it out like that so that he would end it, because it caused both of us heartbreak.

[justagirl2]

Annie - I think Logan has some nice qualities. But, the more I read about him, the more he sounds like a nice high school boyfriend and not someone you potentially marry. He really seems like that high school boyfriend that's sweet to you but then when you get in your late 20's you look back and the guy is stuck at the same place and you think: "How did I date this kid?". I honestly don't even think he acts as if he's in his 20's. Your 20's are pretty decisive in my opinion. You really have to be focused because if you make too many mistakes in your 20's it's hard to pull it together at 30. Logan seems like he's 19 or in college at most. That's very concerning to me.

 

I really don't buy any of his excuses about anything. I would understand if a guy who is a rockstar professionally and worked 18 hours a day needed to smoke weed to relax at night. I would get his actions if he was a trust fund kid and didn't have to worry about how he's going to provide for his wife and potential family in the future. However, his current excuses really don't mesh well with his real situation.

 

I honestly don't understand how you can continue with him after this big blow. You had so much faith in him with the new commission job and after basically 1-2 weeks he decides to quit? You are not a quitter Annie. Why would you put up with a big man child? It's not about being type-A or overly ambitious. It's about being an adult and sharing basic life values.

 

I'm really disappointed in Logan because I was rooting for him hard when he started this job. I feel like he let ME down and I'm only a lurker on your thread. I can't imagine how you actually feel.

[Applewhite]

Not to dilute the thread - but as expensive as it is, the 6 or so treatments I had were SO worth it. Ask me more if you want to know. Perhaps you can find a cheaper place (and there are always deals on groupon) - and I know which machine is best. It really worked. I don't want to go on and on about it, but I have a bunch of experience to share. Ask me if interested.

[annie24]

sigh. I'm going to my therapist this afternoon, I guess this will be a good time to talk about things and come up with a plan.

[renaissancewoman101]

Annie, good luck with everything. Hope your therapist is able to help your sort out your feelings on the situation.

[penelope13]

Just another perspective: you can't wait for ever for L taking the decision out of your hand if he is the right long term partner for you or not. People don't change magically overnight, but when they invest the energy and work that is required and when they don't give up when things get rough and so far he hasn't provided enough 'data' to give you any confidence that this will happen.

 

So don't be passive about your life either. If he is not the kind of adult you want for a long term partner and you are looking for one, then start investing your time and your energy into finding someone more suitable. Don't postpone it because you are dreading the breakup, having to be single, and having to date to find someone new.

 

Maybe you didn't see my question: but how do you define your breaking point in this situation?

[annie24]

I don't know how to define my breaking point - an easy one would be, let's say, if he cheated on me or got another DUI. He didn't want to fight yesterday, he wanted to give me a nice sunday afternoon. He held my hand, he kissed me, he's just being really loving. But then he's giving me all these excuses why he's not doing this job or that job and I told him I want to get married and settle down. He told me he's been perfectly honest with me that he's not there yet. So maybe that should be my answer. I certainly don't expect to get married after 8 months together, but I feel like it just isn't working. And he's talking about us visiting his family over christmas and whatnot. It's just so confusing and upsetting.

 

I didn't mention this, back on Friday, Carol and Susan and I went out for happy hour. Because space was limited (it's a very popular happy hour), a woman in her 40s sat down with us while waiting for her friend. Susan (the loudmouth she is, says, "don't mind us, we're only talking about our lame dating situations." The woman, well dressed and put together says, "ladies, I've been married happily for 26 years. Don't settle. That's my advice." We wound up talking to her for a while.

 

I mean, emotionally, romantically, he's there for me - but the whole "being an adult" thing - not so much.

[annie24]

On top of it all, he's never told me he loves me. That's really the icing on the cake. I mean, it just hurts. I've tried to hard to be a good gf. He tells me all the time I'm a good gf and that i'm too good to him. but no love.

[Applewhite]

I wonder if he knows (or if he deserves to know) that you are questioning things. Perhaps his reaction to this would be telling. I'm just brainstorming - I'm not sure if my ideas are good or bad! (Not about his lack of 'I love you's! but about the relationship in general).

[annie24]

After the wedding he said he was surprised i didn't issue an ultimatum to him. I didn't say anything. In my head, I sort of did. I don't know if I'm not being clear enough. Or he's just not getting it. He said he will sign up for the health insurance when he starts his hourly job next week. He also has a job interview tomorrow morning in the city center. He said if this offers more money, then he will take that one over the one slated to start next monday. He'd like the job in the city center because it's closer to me.

 

I don't think he understands or knows just how at my breaking point i am. i mean, all day yesterday he was talking about things we should do at christmastime, which light displays to see, etc.

[Firiel]

Yeah, it all sounds like a lot, especially with the whole no "I love you" thing.

 

You know, a lot of what he's said and what you've considered has been about him feeling really down about himself due to being unemployed. This is a chance for you to find out if the lack of commitment was because he was in a bad place. Or if the lack of motivation was because of situational depression because he was unemployed. I was honestly pretty surprised that he was talking about doing BOTH jobs, just because that seemed very motivated. I thought it was a really good sign. It's disappointing that he's just going to work at the one job instead of continuing with both.

 

But maybe now you can set an internal deadline for him to see if he's taking control of his life. Is he saving/working hard/smoking pot less/more sure about your future as a couple in 2-3 months or not? That kind of thing. And you can tell him that you are still very uncertain of your long-term compatibility so he knows where things are at.

[penelope13]

He is being a good "for now" boyfriend.

 

But after all the time you have been with him and still not saying "I love you" I wouldn't consider being there for you emotionally.

 

Maybe look at this with your science point of view: if you would perform quality controls to figure out if a sample can be included/excluded, you would only include a sample if it passes ALL requirements, not just a few.

 

If being financially responsible is something that you require in a long term partner he may not be the one. If you want to give him the chance to change/learn - ask yourself how much time will you feel is reasonable and in case he doesn't change you will not look back at your time with him and consider this 'lost time'.

[Applewhite]

After the wedding he said he was surprised i didn't issue an ultimatum to him. I didn't say anything. In my head, I sort of did. I don't know if I'm not being clear enough. Or he's just not getting it. He said he will sign up for the health insurance when he starts his hourly job next week. He also has a job interview tomorrow morning in the city center. He said if this offers more money, then he will take that one over the one slated to start next monday. He'd like the job in the city center because it's closer to me.

 

I don't think he understands or knows just how at my breaking point i am. i mean, all day yesterday he was talking about things we should do at christmastime, which light displays to see, etc.

 

I mean I postpone things too out of anxiety so in a way I *do* get him but common health insurance is super important, and signing up (at least where i live) took all of 8 mins.

[Batya33]

I would give it two more weeks tops. See if he takes any of the adult actions he promised to take and how he does in his work in the next two weeks.

[annie24]

I met with my therapist. She said I don't have to make any big decisions today, but she thinks that I deserve to be happy and clearly I don't seem happy to her. She said I can think about this over the next few days but to try to focus on myself for a while.

[Applewhite]

Maybe you can try some meditation in the meantime? I've read that in addition to stress reduction, it allows you to regain objectivity.

[annie24]

I'm so tired guys. I came home after our picnic/walk yesterday, and I fell asleep at 5 PM until 9 AM this morning. I'd wake up every few hours, play with my phone for a few minutes, go back to sleep.

 

I should meditate. Right now, my meditation is analyzing my data. (And you are right Penelope, Logan is not passing my QA/QC controls.)

[Ellie2006]

Aww Annie... Your therapist is right. You should take a break from thinking about this for a while and focus on you for now ... ((Hugs))

 

 

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