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Just broken up with over xmas vacation, ex still hasn't come home.


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To get the full background of the story read my previous post...


So I'm pretty much being broken up with. She hasn't said the words yet, she hasn't moved out yet and nothing is concrete other than the fact that she said she is miserable with me and that she hopes to be able to move out. That pretty much says it all right there.


She cheated on me, with the same guy that has come between the last two break ups. I finally at the point of giving up in this tug of war and I think by doing that I win. Sure, she may go to him and pursue a relationship with him, but she has alot of issues, and this guy is a womanizer, he is known for having lots of sex with lots of random girls. So put that together with her inflated expectations of waiting for a year to finally pursue a relationship with him and his deflated respect for her since he has seen her cheat on her boyfriend time and time again. There is no way it will last and she will be left even more broke and set back than she would if she stayed single.


All of her stuff is at our apt. We signed a lease together. I already changed the deadbolt because I fear there is atleast one thing, and probably the only thing that she may try to take that isn't hers. Plus I won't lie, it does give me the feeling of some control since I feel like I've completely lost all of it lately.


She hasn't said when she is coming back, she has only said she'd let me know if she will come back before NYE and if not that she will be here this weekend because she was work this monday.


She still wants to pursue counseling together even if she ends up moving out to help us both move on since in the past she always comes back and I always take her back.


Here is the catch: I'm an idiot. I still love her. And I still have some form of hope that I will wake up from this nightmare and that somehow she will realize how crazy she is for doing this and how much she is throwing away.


People have suggested that I just collect all her things and get them ready for her and have her pick them up. Neither of us has a car readily available since we live in SF and use public transportation for everything.


Also, she is HSV2+ (given to her by her high school sweetheart that was banging two other girls while he was banging her) and may or may not have given it to me, I need to go get tested. But that could affect things as well, and I know she will definitely want to know the results of my test.


Part of me wants revenge and to ruin all her things. I don't think I can go through with that though.


Part of me wants to pack all her things and finally man up and get rid of her once and for all. Because of all the loose ends like the HSV2 testing and her being on the lease and our gym membership being in her name and other things that we had agreed upon that we would do if we broke up (like changing our phone numbers, deleting all of our myspaces, livejournals or anything else that would enable us to see into the other persons life and various other things that we agreed to do to help make this break up the final break up) I'm not sure if I can make a clean break just like that. We do have some things to talk about and some decisions to make.


Part of me wants to have her here, go to counseling, and live with her while we are broken up to ease out of the relationship. I almost feel that if I hate her, which I am close to doing, that it will hinder me from getting over her since truly the only reason I would hate her so much is because I love her so much and she hurt me. I want to feel in different towards her. Maybe counseling together can help us or atleast help me really see that there is no way I can work out with her.


I don't know what to do and need some real practical advice. I don't think that I can just kick her out for the reasons stated above. I want to get over her though and I want to move on. But I feel like I want to do it on my terms. Every time we have broken up she has broken up with me. It has been on her terms and I have always been left with nothing. Maybe if I can finally get to the point of wanting to break up with her through counseling I can make the transition much easier.


I dunno anymore. I think I'm insane.

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It's possible for you to cut her out, but you're still holding onto hope. That's understandable. Such is the way of relationships. That said, you do need to man up. Make every move available to you. Look into having her removed from the lease, by whatever means necessary. Box up her stuff. You made a great first step in changing the locks. Continue down this path and soon you'll be free. Won't that be a load off? My goodness, I can't even imagine living with this kind of drama.

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well, you are not insane..... you are normal. you are not finding it easy to let go and that shows that you were committed to the relationship. first of all do you really see this as a healthy relationship for the future. she consistantly breaks up with you, and you consistantly take her back. that must make you feel rather insecure. your head knows what you must do- finish things for good and limit all contact with her as soon as possible. but your heart is fighting, trying to hold onto the intense love feeling.

the worse thing you can do is continue to live with her while you both go to counselling. hello??? she has another boyfriend now. that will kill you to see that. couples go to counselling together when they are trying to fight to save the relationship, not when they are broken up and one of them has moved on while the other is heartbroken. i know it is hard, but you will make it much much harder on yourself if you keep coming up with ideas for her to see sense that you are the one she should be with. i really think the real question here is do you really want to be in a relationship that is so unstable and one sided.


half your post is positive and clear thinking , but the other half is still fighting to save the relationship i think. be strong. know what is best for you. she isn't. take control and move on.

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half your post is positive and clear thinking , but the other half is still fighting to save the relationship i think. be strong. know what is best for you. she isn't. take control and move on.


I have noticed this pattern in my own thinking. I can be very constructive in framing things realistically and owning my emotions, and realizing this is just mental work I have to do to move on...


But then you just get these rushes of panic, and heartache, and missing them that will come out of nowhere...


The conflicting and totally contradictory thoughts and emotions seem to make breaking up a very unique and tormenting hell to be in. But I feel like the torment is fading over time...

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AND she has herpes???? Did she tell you this from the jump or did she lie to you about this too??


she let me know from the beginning.


It seems the overall consensus is to throw her out and start brand new. What a way to start the new year. I guess I'll see what ends up happening. I know that I won't be the bad guy in this situation, but I'll feel like one for throwing her out.

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Blindreepr -- Please think carefully about this...she is really, really messing with your head here. She leaves you for someone else, during the holidays, tells you she does NOT want to be with you anymore, won't give you any answers as to whether or not she is coming home for New Year's, and now, suddenly she decides she IS, and you're going to give her another chance?


I think you're setting yourself up for the same exact thing happening again, my friend. I truly hope it doesn't, but in these situations, history tends to repeat itself if we let it.

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