Abuse Ruined my childhood and now it affects my relationship

[Phoenix_girl]

Hi,

 

I am not really sure where to start with this, but i guess i should start at teh beginning.

I was sexually and physically abused by my father all through my childhood (4-16). When i was 17 i was set up at a "friends" party and ended up being raped by 2 of her friends and then a few months later was nearly raped by another friend. Needless to say i was extremely depressed at this point. I was suicidal and tried to kill myself on at least 2 occasions. My mom new what my dad did to me but ignored it till she found out that i had told a family friend and then she sent me to counselling but has never believed it happened. I spent 2 years in counselling and still go once in a while.

It was really hard for me to learn to trust anyone, especially men, and i didnt really learn till i went away to University. I started dating in university and met a really great guy. We dated for a few weeks and then he broke up with me but we are still really close and he is my best friend. I am now with someone new and we've been together for about 6 months. Both my best friend and my current boyfriend know what happened to me and are really mad about it.

Even though i have greatly improved and have pretty much put everything behind me, there is still somethings that are causing problems. I still have nightmares from the abuse. The authorities were never contacted and so i still see my father and i will admit minor occurrences still exist between me and him. I am terrified of being abandoned and rejected. Im clingy, needy and this has had a really bad effect on my relationships. The clingyness was a contributing factor to my break up with my ex and it is cause problems in my current relationship. I love my bf and i dont want to loose him because of what my father did to me. Both guys have been really supportive and understanding, but it is also very trying on our relationships. I want to put the abuse and rape behind me for good. I dont want it to impact on the person i am because I dont like the person it makes me. I get really depressed (not suicidal) and i just can't deal with having that impact on my life. I consider myself relativiely outgoing, but painfully shy. How can i put everything behind me?? How can i become the person i know i am and leave the past where it belongs?

[anomaly]

What you have described sounds like a personality disorder, and I don't think there are any cures for personality disorders. I have personally been diagnosed with two, I've been in intensive therapy for a long time now, in and out of psych wards, and I assure you, there's no cure.

It's something you'll have to life with and you'll inevitably die with.

[musicguy]

Phoenix_girl,

 

I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. I did a lot of research on my own about girls/women who have been sexually abused or raped because one of my close friend's was attacked last month. My advice is continue to go to a therapist, it's going to take a long time to get over you have been thru, it may take month,s it may take years. I've also learned that having a good support system helps the healing process. You have been through a lot and time heals. If you want someone to talk to you can PM me anytime that you want to.

 

Musicguy

[SunnyScott]

I know exactly how you feel. I have a hard time trusting men as well. I hope that you are moving on with life through. You'll have your ups/downs, but somehow these incidence still kept you alive and 'normal'.

 

You're stronger than what you think. From your experience, you have a ressilliant ability to use your intuition on which men are good or bad. I've gone through sexual abuse counseling, and learned a lot. I hope that you will do that too.

 

I am truly sorry to hear that your father did that to you, but hope that you'll find the confidence to pick up yourself again. Seriously, counseling really helped me, I am considering group therapy too. After going to counseling, I found a new perspective on how/why things happen.

 

I really wish you luck, and hope that you realize that there are great people out there, like the ones on enotalone who offer supportive advice. Thanks to the advice at enotalone, I've gained other prospectives like, taking the sexual abuse/rape/molestation incident as a new start to a new life.

[Never_Back_Down]

well all i have to say is that you know who i am and from are conversations about your past is that there is nothing you can do about the past. All you can do is try to deal with in the present and i know it isnt easy. I have worked with young offenders with drug addicts and things like this and the best thining to do is talk to your friends and councellors about what happened. Sadly this will never change what did happen to you but it will help you deal with it. As for relationships the person you are dating will have to know what happened to you and has to be willing accpet it. if he does not than it wont work out, but also dont let what happened between you and your father affect your other relationships with men as one i must say we are not all bad guys. you have to talk and let him know what is going on in your life because life is hard and you will be depressed a lot take it for a kid that is depressed himself. Bottlem line is that your life is not and will not be like everyone else which is not bad. You will just have to deal with life as a day to day thing. Lastly the clingy thing is just you trying to find a good male influnce in your life. Just know that if he is a good influnce and you are a good relationship with them they are not going anywhere. You dont have to worry about them turing and running if it is meant to be they will stick around for a long time. keep going and know that i am here to talk if you need to.

[rich_1517]

Hi wow thats a lot. i beg to differ about the personality disorder, its a common term for when we dont feel like we fit in with life.

 

i have a similar experience and it left me pretty messed up. you cant change what happened but you can reorient your needs to feel more comfortable.

 

get into a survivors group, they are estremely helpful in the healing process, continue therapy but maybe make it goal oriented, instead of rehasing based on a week or days feelings, start with how you want to feel and remove the boundaries to them as they come up.

 

I am sensitive and needy. i hated it, but i had to admit to myself that i was and that i had to provide for those emotional needs myself and not bring them to a relationship as baggage. the way i did that was to learn what was truly good about me and take an honest look at my "faulty thinking" about myself and my own judgements.

 

The truth is we are all lovable and "healthy" if we choose to be just some of us have to take a slightly longer road to self love. thats where your answer is.

 

I had great success with "voice dialogue" developed by hal and sidra stone. it allow me to address the different sides of me to gain better understanding and freedom.

 

hang in there you will be ok. PM if you want i have some experience and would love to help if i can.

[anomaly]

Hi wow thats a lot. i beg to differ about the personality disorder, its a common term for when we dont feel like we fit in with life.

 

Right on, Dr. Phil.

 

I was referring mostly to the reference to clinginess and such... besides, I'm a total pessimist, and I think I have moderators stalking me. (yes you can delete this one too if you want)

[avman]

Aw, come on anomaly,

 

You'll KNOW when we are stalking you. None of us are a particularly subtle bunch.

 

Its only people with an incredibly considerate and eloquent nature that attracts us. You should feel special.

[Phoenix_girl]

Hey Guys,

 

The for all of the support. I know that it is important to talk to those around me but wuite honestly i find it extremely difficul to talk in person about my past. Other then with my counsellors I have only ever talked about my past through e-mails and on messenger and sometimes on the phone. I know it is probably extremely important that i talk to my bf, but he gets angry about it (not at me, just about the situatuion) and this makes it hard to talk to him and honestly i have been afraid to really talk about it with him.

I was always raised to believe emotions were for the weak and i was quite often punished for showing emotion. Talking about my past is something that is extremely emotional for me and Im afraid that people will think less of me if i get upset about it. I have been told that i should be over what happened by now, but it just isnt that easy. Should i talk to my friends and bf about how i feel about talking about my past??

[texcateyes]

Hi!

 

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

 

First of all...GET HELP! There are Womens's Shelters everywhere and they are usually FREE. You will find individual and group counseling, and make a lot of new friends, who will UNDERSTAND.

 

You need someone who has "been there, done that".

 

You might never get OVER it...but you can get PAST it...and get on with your life again. I know.....I did.

 

Call on me if you think I can help you.

 

texcateyes

[i_love_my_angel]

First off i would have kick my mothers ass if she didnt take me away from abuse. You should never have to deal with that. It is absolutely horrible that someone can want to hurt somebody else in life, especially the daughter they saw being born. I would also have my bestfriend and my boy friend kill the two guys that raped me, and the one guy that tried, I believe you should listen to your inner self, stop looking at the past, i have a horrible problem with thinking about things in the past and i hate it. I try concentrating on other things in order to forget. I know its hard but i would try. Its not your fault just keep telling yourself that everyday. Your dad was a gross perve and shouldnt have brought something in this world that he was going to mistreat.

[mahlina]

Hello Phoenix_girl,

I hope that you are doing okay. Unfortunately, your traumatic experience will always stay with you forever. It's a part of you and your memories. So, the best thing that you can do is to seek out help, to alleviate that pain, through postive thinking. Even if you do seek help, somehow, it will always come back to haunt you in one way or the other. I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure that pain through your own father. I really am. I know exactly how you feel, when you mentioned I consider myself relativiely outgoing, but painfully shy. How can i put everything behind me?? How can i become the person i know i am and leave the past where it belongs? I think what you feel, is common for most survivors. I think that those who survive that horrifying experience, have become of what has happened to them in our past, that's it's so hard to mold themselves out of it. It's like they want to sever off all ties to the pain. They will have their bouts of happiness. But at times, there will be days in which it's sunny outside, and they're stuck in my room staring out, and feeling like they're in a trance, clouded by deep shocks of emotions! You know, this traumatic experience is crazy. It's a struggle. But, you know what? You are strong! Look at yourself. You made it girl! You are still perfectly normal and healthy! You have goals! thereforeeee, you should be proud of yourself, because, I am. Hold onto that faith! You are a strong woman! Again, I want to apologize for what you've been through. It takes a lot of strength for you to seek out help! So much props to you! So, just remember, that although, your pain and memory will always be a haunting experience, there really is no point in running away from it. Some days, one will feel energized, and try to push everything away, like nothing happens. But for some reason, in one way or the other, the pain always comes back to bite them. So, what I am saying is, confront it, and take the healing process one day at a time. Sometimes, when I think of the trauma, it sets me back in my career goals, and everything comes tumbling down again. Then, I resort to being that shy person again. It's like a stunted growth! Don't you hate feeling that way? Why won't it just go? Anyway, be patient! You will make a success of what your past has put you through! Believe in yourself! I will cross my fingers for you! -Mahlina

[woundedflower]

HEy

I know what u went though and what your going though.I was abusied in every form from age 9 to 16 when the law finallyl took me out after i suffered a broken jaw form being hit with a phone. The pain and memories takea while to go away. i still am afrid of my step dad who did this all to me and the law never really thought it was him. I have gone to councleers and they haev helped to forget and move on even though I still haev nightmares, My bf of right now is very upset and wont even meet my step dad. i still cry myself to sleep somtimes but other then that i've gotten better,. But if u ever need to talk feel free to write me 8) 8)