He gave a girl his card- am i overreacting?

[agualibre777]

So we went salsa dancing tonight... and my boyfriend was salsa dancing with this really cute, very good dancer. I saw him go over to his jacket and take something out of his wallet and slip it into his front pocket.

 

I knew it was his business card with his email and phone number. I knew it.

 

Then he went back to dancing with her. She was teaching him moves. Actually earlier, he went to her so she would teach him, but she pointed to the teacher, who was a little bit fast about teaching so he could not get it.

 

Anyway, as soon as I saw him get the card, I was suspicious and told my friend who also knows the girl Sarah that he was going to give her his number. She was like... no that's not cool at all... you never know with guys.

 

Then he came to me after dancing for a while and I said I wanted to leave. He was like "how do we get info about other events" and my friend told him to go to the teacher. he didn't find him right that second. he said, he would get our jackets and then as i walked back to my friend he turned to give the girl his card. i saw him look back at me and (i'm sure he'd seen the look on my face, and he knew i was watching him) i saw her gesture towards me and smile.

 

we left and i was peeeeeved. he says that she is one of the organizers and a good teacher.

 

one of the reasons i don't believe him is

1) he went to his jacket and slipped his card into his pocket way before he was going to give the card

2) he pretended like he was going to give it to the teacher but he was just doing that because i was looking at him

3) he tried to say that he was telling her to "tell US" about salsa event but i really think he did that because he turned to see me watching.

4) he said if he was picking up on her, he would have got her number... but that was how he originally picked ME up.

5) he said she was an organizer of events, but when it told him she was a friend of my friend, he was like oh, she is a friend?? all surprised and said... well, i don't know... she keep saying you should come with "us" and i thought she was an organizer.

 

so of course he denied it all in the car. he wanted me to come up with him to his apartment when i dropped him off, but said he didn't have any energy to talk about this and didn't want to talk about it, but he would like me to come up.

 

i said no...

 

what do you think? do you think i am overreacting?

 

i text messaged my friend to ask her if that girl is one of the organizers and i should hear back from her in a half hour or so when the event ends.

[sophie274]

Honestly it sounds to me like he was just wanted to get info on other events, or to stay in contact so she could let him know about other salsa dancing things, or send him info about some moves perhaps.

 

I would not be suspicious of my bf if he did this unless:

- he was very flirtatious

- he had cheated on me before and had a bad track record.

[agualibre777]

I don't know... I mean, he is just a friendly guy in general, so it's hard to tell. it was just the ***way*** he did it. He slipped it in his pocket... I feel like if I hadn't started watching him, he would have done it in a different way, I don't know... like I think he would have just gone over to her as we were leaving and grabbed it, not planning it all out by slipping into his pocket.

[annie24]

hm. how long have you two been dating? are you having other problems?

[FreedomRing]

What do you mean? He picked you up by giving you his business card??

[Jelina]

I don't know, it sounds like he was trying to pick her up, especially if that's how he picked you up. Who knows why she really gestured and smiled at you anyways, maybe she thought you were his gf and he told her you were a friend. Your bf sounds really suspicious, he might just be friendly but he is trying to be secretive, he's seems bad at it, but still.....that's just wrong.

[HeartGoesOn]

If he has nothing to hide, why didn't he tell you he was giving her his business card?

[agualibre777]

we've been dating for two months now pretty seriously... no other problems really, but we do have some ups and downs, but no yelling or abuse or anything, just... we got into one argument that we worked on stuff.

 

i don't know. maybe this isn't a good relationship, but we just talked and he said that he was just trying to get info about events but said he shouldn't have done that, that he saw the look on my face and that he gave her his card anyways because he didn't think there was anything wrong with it. he is having doubts about the relationship and so am i... which is normal... then we both felt better about it since we talked about our doubts together... i don't know if that is all twisted up or not...

 

my friend says that she is not an organizer actually, but she attends the events a lot... so yeah, i dunno if he was really just that confused that she made it seem like it or he was just glossing it over. these things are hard...

[ibenhad]

So he has done nothing in the past to make you believe he is a cheater. Are you paranoid? Did you go home with him or did she? Why do people make mountains out of mole hills? It takes 2..... Maybe he wants private lessons to impress you and was trying to be sly and you caught him. Why must guys always be trying to pick someone up in a women's eyes? It's like we walk around like dog's trying to dry hump peoples legs. Ridiculous really. Just because he gave you his card as a way of dating you doesn't mean everyone he gives his card to he wants to ****. Sorry to be harsh but it's so petty really. Is he a good man, does he love you, has he cheated before are you just being silly? Think about it.

[agualibre777]

well... i'm glad you think i'm overreacting. he, however, said he understood why i felt that way and that maybe if she hadn't been attractive, maybe he wouldn't have given her his card and recognized how that would be perceived.

 

private lessons?

 

*that* i would not be comfortable with... a cute 20 something who is not a professional instructor at her place??? sorry, but i'm not stupid. that's just asking for it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Since she is not an instructor, and she has nothing to do with any work-related thing, there is absolutely no reason why he should give her his card. This seems rather suspicious to me. You haven't been together that long and I wonder if he is having doubts about your relationship and thereforee looking for other opportunities.

[annie24]

well, i'm a member of my local dance community - it's not unheard of to give someone your number so you can get them in touch with other dance events, to suggest places to dance, to stay in contact, etc...... even if someone isn't an instructor, they may know a lot about what's going on.....

 

that said - 2 months.... hmmm..... i dunno. the relationship is kind of too 'new' at this point to really be able to say what he is up to, one way or another.

[Applewhite]

I would say most of the time your gut is right. If it walks like a duck...

 

There is a reason you think he is shady.

[savignon]

It seems there would be many other ways to find out about future events (websites, flyers, phone number of the venue, etc.) To me it would feel sneaky and hurtful.

Can you clarify what he said about her being attractive? That if she hadn't been attractive, he wouldn't have given her his number? I feel like I must be mis-reading that.

[annie24]

It seems there would be many other ways to find out about future events (websites, flyers, phone number of the venue, etc.) To me it would feel sneaky and hurtful.

Can you clarify what he said about her being attractive? That if she hadn't been attractive, he wouldn't have given her his number? I feel like I must be mis-reading that.

 

even though there is a website, it's not uncommon to get as much info as possible, in as many ways as possible. for people in the dance community, it's normal.

 

that all said - i mean, 2 months in - it's not like this guy is your husband or whatever. 2 months is very early on, are you two even exclusive? now is when you are evaluating if he is the man for you, and he is evaluating if you are right for him. i don't think 2 months in that it's appropriate to tell him it's "not ok" for him to dance with her or whatever. you two aren't committed. of course, you may realize you don't want to date someone who has dance partners or whatever, or you may find he is too much of a flirt for your tastes.

[JadedStar]

Giving someone a card in a setting like this isn't in itself odd, but the other circumstances surrounding it do give it an air of impropriety. I wuold also be a bit upset about it and talk it thru. Since this is only a two month relationship maybe he and yourself have a different view on the seriousness of it and where it is heading.

 

I can't say i wouldn't be upset with my guy giving a lot of attention to a pretty female dancer and then making me believe his card is for the instructor only to give it to this non instructor.

 

I myself would not act this way because I would not want to take a chance on hurting my SO's feelings if the dancer was a hot male and i was spending a lot of time dancing with him. Even if my intent was innocent, there are far more other ways I could get more info without giving that guy my card and contact info.....people can say all day long that her being hot and a female means nothing, but come on, it COULD suggest something is up, not just the giving the card, the entire situation. If it were a guy the situation would be perceived totally different.

[annie24]

Since this is only a two month relationship maybe he and yourself have a different view on the seriousness of it and where it is heading.

 

I can't say i wouldn't be upset with my guy giving a lot of attention to a pretty female dancer and then making me believe his card is for the instructor only to give it to this non instructor.

 

of course, but you are married, and these two have been dating for only 2 months. like you said - maybe he doesn't consider the relationship as seriously as she does??? presumably, if your husband was getting the number of some local dancer, it would be for the BOTH of you to attend events, right?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

No, it sounds like he's trolling to date other women. If you've been dating him only 2 months, you have no way of really knowing his character or if he even believes you two are exclusive.

 

Your best bet here is to talk to him and ask him point blank if he is exclusive with you or intends (or is) dating other women. See what he says, but also keep your eyes and ears open because it sounds like he doesn't see you as a firm couple yet if he is giving his number to other women.

[JadedStar]

of course, but you are married, and these two have been dating for only 2 months. like you said - maybe he doesn't consider the relationship as seriously as she does??? presumably, if your husband was getting the number of some local dancer, it would be for the BOTH of you to attend events, right?

 

This is precisely why i stated that the two of them might have differnet views on the seriousness of the relationship and where it might be heading. It warrants a discussion. I also agree with bestrong above - it sounds like he is trolling for other women to date.

 

As for me and my SO, most likely it would be for both of us to attend but that is not clearly the case for the OP. it is a two month relationship. It would be a grave leap to assume he would only go to these events with her.

[agualibre777]

Hi everyone! Thank you for your thoughts...

We had a long conversation last night... We *are* in an exclusive relationship. Maybe that is part of the problem, that we moved too fast, and defined things too fast, and he is not ready.

There are several things he said to my concerns:

1) 95% he was giving it to her just to find out about events, because she presented herself as an organizer (she is a regular part of this particular dance community), and 5% he said maybe he gave it to her because she was interesting and there is a possibility that maybe if she wasn't attractive he wouldn't have given it to her. He was trying to be honest with himself also.

2) He said that he really likes me a lot and feels less doubtful about me than any other relationship he has had but he sometimes has doubts if he will eventually "fall in love" with me. That he wish he knew this. He has never fallen in love with anyone.

3) In his five year relationship, he did this a lot at the beginning, where he would make his girlfriend uncomfortable and he doesn't know why he did it, but it did make her very insecure about how he felt about her.

4) He has 80% friends who are women and he wanted to know how he would make new friends then? To which I said, probably most of his friends he met through friends and it wasn't at a bar or a club right? And he agreed with this, that it isn't right for him to get a girls number at a bar.

5) He was worried because we got into an argument last week and I was ready to break up with him, but then we smoothed everything over and we are all lovey dovey and the change in emotion is kind of too much for him

6) He said that honestly he has met two people since we started our relationship that he felt he would date them if he was not in a relationship. I don't know why he told me this, cause I just didn't like to hear it, even though it's his truth. He didn't say he wanted to date them, but just maybe to express his own concerns about himself and his own feelings-- that he doesn't know what he is feeling.

 

So I don't know... I cried a little bit after hearing what he said, first I could take it, but some of what he said hurt my feelings. Like... I think I realize I am falling for him, and now it seems I am falling for him that he is pulling away. Like he is scared of getting close. He says he does this, that he knows he has this problem of pulling away from intimacy. He does have some problems communicating his needs, which is what the fight was about last week. I have some communication problems too.

 

But I think he is a really special person and I want to know him more. But I am a little nervous after that conversation last night, and when I replay that scene in my head I feel a little bit sick to my stomach. But I also know that as soon as I *saw* her because she is so beautiful and such a good dancer, that I felt insecure right away and the fact that he gave her his card just really confirmed for me my own fears that I am not loveable afterall.... and that no man will ever be faithful to me...

 

I don't really know what to do...

[annie24]

early in dating - you are taking the time to get to know one another - see if there is potential there for a real relationship, etc...... if he's the kind of guy who makes his gfs insecure and he 'doesn't know why he does this' - i think this sounds like a red flag. that sounds really selfish to me. at the very least, he should be smart enough to understand why he does the things he does.

 

my 2 cents - if a guy makes you upset more than he makes you happy, he isn't the one. if you're sitting here, stressing, and crying about him so early, this can't be a good guy for you. you should be with someone who makes you happier, not more stressed out!!!!!!!!

[agualibre777]

when he told me about her... he was owning it... that it was something he did and he doesn't know why he did that. i think he does it because he is afraid of intimacy... and is sabatoging-- this is my thought. i'm not perfect either, i can't expect him to be. i know that he owned what happened-- he didn't turn it around and blame me for it, he said he understood how i felt and agreed that he did the wrong thing. so .... i don't know... someone that can own something is a keeper... but yes, it seems like the communication is really hard, but i am learning about me too -- how do i communicate what i want and how i react.

i did tell him-- if you say things like this to someone it's going to make them look to be with someone else...

so... he knows... he could lose me if he doesn't figure this out.

 

i am not ready to break this off... but i will be going back home for three 1/2 weeks and we'll be apart... and maybe the space and time will clarify if this is right or not...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Whether a relationship moves forward has to do with whether two people click, but also whether both people have similar goals and want to move forward or not to something serious.

 

So you should just keep the channels of communication open with him, and talk to him again in a month, then two, then six months. He should be getting more comfortable with you over time, and more bonded to you. If you see him not changing, or still waffling in future, then you can decide whether you want to keep spending time with him or not.

 

And if he's a cheater that will come out too. But i would try to pace your emotions to his, and if he is not really committing to you, don't let yourself get too attached to him either. You should both be falling in love together, and if he keeps throwing roadblocks to intimacy, then you either need counseling together, or to recognize that he may not want a serious relationship.

[agualibre777]

[JadedStar]

To be honest if this were me in your shoes I'd break it off. Maybe i would regret that, maybe i wouldn't, but i know myself. What he said would give me no reason to keep going forward. He would not share any of my goals for a relationship. I know two months is soon, but i can assure you if a guy said all of those things to me at first month mark when everything should be very rosey and honeymoonish i'd walk.

 

Now that is just what I'd do. Obviously you have to do what feels right to you.