Question for guys? Would you think it's odd that i've never..

[g84]

I've never really been in a real relationship before. The closest thing that i had to a boyfriend was when i was around 13 years old, but that was very brief (and emotionally scarring for me). Looking back, i realize that i really wasn't ready for a bf at the time. I don't know how ready i am for one now (since i'm dealing with a lot of personal issues that need to be overcome). I'm pretty shy and I don't often go out and meet new guys I know that I need to get out there, and all that stuff lol. My worry is, if i met a guy and he knew that i'd never had a real bf, do you think that would make the guy think something was wrong with me?

 

I was reading on another message board where this woman had a similar issue. Some random guy claimed that if a girl hasn't had a bf by a certain age, she must have "issues". This kind of frightened me. I have a friend who's had maybe 7 or 8 boyfriends, and she has just as many issues as me. We've both been through some similar things emotionally and everything. I don't think that people who have many relationships are more emotionally healthy than those who don't.

 

So, would you guys assume the girl is odd in some way? Would it make you less interested? I don't know.

 

thanks for your help!

 

small edit/addition: If i have to identify the two main reasons for why i've never had a bf :

1) I feel that i've got confidence issues that i would need to work on first

2) I don't really put myself in situations where i can easily meet guys; out of the few guys that i have met, i only really liked one of them (i met him at school), but he didn't seem to care. Overall, i just haven't met a lot of guys though. I don't go out enough

[Sn0man]

It wouldn't make me less interested. I can relate. Some people just go from one relationship right onto the next one, while other people are happy just being themselves by themselves. There's nothign wrong with that at all. And personally i'd have to say that the woman who's had multiple relationships would strike me as having more issues than someone who's had few.

[sns256]

I sure hope that it isn’t frowned upon too much, because I am in the same boat as you.

 

From what I have read here it depends on the person. Some say it is bad, some say it is good. It also seems to be more understandable if you are female. I try not worry about it too much. If someone will reject you for never having a relationship before, then you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with them anyway. Our past is our past, you can’t change it. What matters is what happens in the future.

[Creative]

Some random guy claimed that if a girl hasn't had a bf by a certain age, she must have "issues".

 

They're just the type of people who wants to tell others that they have experience and act like they have standards. That's all there is to it. You just gotta see through that.

[Day_Walker]

It would strike me as odd but it would depend how she acted when she presented to me that she had never been in a relationship before

[floating_away]

From what I have read here it depends on the person. Some say it is bad, some say it is good. It also seems to be more understandable if you are female. I try not worry about it too much. If someone will reject you for never having a relationship before, then you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with them anyway. Our past is our past, you can’t change it. What matters is what happens in the future.

 

Exactly. Don't worry about it.

[g84]

Day Walker: I want to better understand why you would find it odd. Would you think that there was something weird about the person, or do you just think it's a rare thing in general to see someone who hasn't dated in their early twenties. I just want to better understand what you mean How would you want it to be presented to you for example?

[Pandaman211]

g-84-

 

don't sweat it at all. Coming from a guy, if hes into you, it doesnt matter how many boyfriends you have had or haven't. The point is that you've shown enough attractive qualities to reel him in and hes shown enough attractive qualities in himself to allow you to accept him. Its really that simple. I see you're 24, and honestly, the older you get, the more mature guys get. If you were in your teens i could MAYBE see that, but honestly, any guy that judges a girl that hes into/talking to by the amount of boyfriends shes had is ridiculous and not waste your time. Nothing wrong with being shy, tons of guys think its attractive, like harder to get or something. Go out, have some fun, and good luck meeting a great guy.

[Pandaman211]

and by the way, I'm not saying all of this for feel good advice or anything. In all actuality, its a fact. And by the way, I wouldn't really think twice about it. The key is to not let yourself dwell on that or let your mind think of that when you're in the area of guys, like a bar, restaurant, club, etc., because it'll show with your reactions/responses to things, maybe vibes, etc. Accept that its really not a big deal, and treat it like it. I'm not saying you're insecure at all, but in case you are uncertain of it, you want to rid yourself of it, aka not think about it and realize its not a big deal, and then go from there. You'll set yourself up for success. Act confident, even if a guy asks you later on, say it like its not a big deal. If you say it akwardly or imply that you think that it might be weird, it'll possibly wear off, and you don't want that right?

 

Sorry had to throw this in there

[cruzer]

I would not worry so much about it. Im 19 and im in the same situation.

 

Some might think its odd because, well lots of girls have kids at like 16, and ur 20s and not even had a bf. But lets face it, its way better to not have a bf by 20 than to have a kid by 16.

 

Personally i would not think much of it, not because im in the same situation but because u might be more serious about dating. not just dating to have fun and not wanting it to be serious.

 

dont worry, if a guy likes u, ur past and experience wont matter that much

[greywolf]

I guess it would depend on the reason. If a girl had never had a real relationship because she chose not to be in relationships then that's fine. But if she did want to be in a relationship but never found one, I can see why some people might find it a bit odd. I don't think it'd be a deal breaker though.

[Cloudyday]

Nope definitely not a deal breaker and if it was one, that guy isn't the one for you. Besides there are tons of guys who are in the same situation as you are, more so than girls I'd bet, and the guy you meet might be one of them.

[bostonbruins24]

I guess it would depend on the reason. If a girl had never had a real relationship because she chose not to be in relationships then that's fine. But if she did want to be in a relationship but never found one, I can see why some people might find it a bit odd. I don't think it'd be a deal breaker though.

That's true.It sounds like you haven't put yourself in a position to be pursued by men.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I guess it would depend on the reason. If a girl had never had a real relationship because she chose not to be in relationships then that's fine. But if she did want to be in a relationship but never found one, I can see why some people might find it a bit odd. I don't think it'd be a deal breaker though.

 

 

Why would it be more odd if she never found one...it is possible that she never found one because she has certain standards and doesn't want to grab anyone to be in a relationship with just for the sake of saying she is in a relationship. Too many people do that...grab anyone just to get "experience" and show the world they have a partner. The more partners a person has the more jaded they tend to get as each relationship fails....so I wouldn't say it is a real feather in one's cap to have had relationships...that just leaves you with baggage.

[greywolf]

Why would it be more odd if she never found one...it is possible that she never found one because she has certain standards and doesn't want to grab anyone to be in a relationship with just for the sake of saying she is in a relationship. Too many people do that...grab anyone just to get "experience" and show the world they have a partner. The more partners a person has the more jaded they tend to get as each relationship fails....so I wouldn't say it is a real feather in one's cap to have had relationships...that just leaves you with baggage.

 

I totally understand what you're saying. I guess I meant 'odd' as in unusual. Yeah, that would have been a better word.

[g84]

Honestly, I just feel like a loser right now. I don't like using that word toward anyone, but that is how i feel. It's just so typical....

My mind keeps telling me "Who's going to want you". That's really how i feel right now.

I know that I have to get out there more and do my part. I totally understand that for sure. But, if i have to stress over how a guy will react to finding out that i'm new at it, then it just makes me feel so discouraged about everything. I know that people have said that it won't matter much, but i guess i can't stop worrying. I try my best to be optimistic normally, but i feel terrible right now.

[bostonbruins24]

Honestly, I just feel like a loser right now. I don't like using that word toward anyone, but that is how i feel. It's just so typical....

My mind keeps telling me "Who's going to want you". That's really how i feel right now.

I know that I have to get out there more and do my part. I totally understand that for sure. But, if i have to stress over how a guy will react to finding out that i'm new at it, then it just makes me feel so discouraged about everything. I know that people have said that it won't matter much, but i guess i can't stop worrying. I try my best to be optimistic normally, but i feel terrible right now.

I have felt that way also,''who's going to want you'',so you aren't alone.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Honestly, I just feel like a loser right now. I don't like using that word toward anyone, but that is how i feel. It's just so typical....

My mind keeps telling me "Who's going to want you". That's really how i feel right now.

I know that I have to get out there more and do my part. I totally understand that for sure. But, if i have to stress over how a guy will react to finding out that i'm new at it, then it just makes me feel so discouraged about everything. I know that people have said that it won't matter much, but i guess i can't stop worrying. I try my best to be optimistic normally, but i feel terrible right now.

 

 

You are not a loser. Any guy who thinks less of you, makes fun of you, mocks you or disrespects you because of your lack of experience is the person who is the loser. A quality person would realize what a gift it is to have someone who has not been around the block.

[sns256]

Honestly, I just feel like a loser right now. I don't like using that word toward anyone, but that is how i feel. It's just so typical....

My mind keeps telling me "Who's going to want you". That's really how i feel right now.

I know that I have to get out there more and do my part. I totally understand that for sure. But, if i have to stress over how a guy will react to finding out that i'm new at it, then it just makes me feel so discouraged about everything. I know that people have said that it won't matter much, but i guess i can't stop worrying. I try my best to be optimistic normally, but i feel terrible right now.

 

You are not alone g84. I have the "Who's going to want you" feelings a lot of the time too. I try not to dwell on the thoughts. I just try to reassure myself that someone out there will want to be my girlfriend one day.

 

Like you I haven’t done my part in getting out there, and I have never been rejected because I have never been able to summon the courage to ask. I guess if I get rejected numerous times solely because of my inexperience, I’ll start to change my opinion about myself. Until then I try not to let it discourage me. Remember you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone that would make your lack of experience a deal breaker. Also remember that you are just as much of a catch as him, even if you are not as experienced as him.

 

Who knows we might meet someone that is as inexperienced as ourselves. However unlikely it is. You can’t predict the future. We just have to start looking.

[The_Wanderer]

I don't think it would be a problem at all. Certainly not if I was compatible with a girl in your situation.

 

Don't worry! Get out and have fun!

[g84]

I still have this worry in my mind.

 

Something that i didn't mention is that i have had two or three guy friends who wanted to be my bf before (years ago). But i didn't feel for them the way i usually feel when i really like a guy. I saw them as close friends, but i didn't see them in another way at that time. I guess i have not yet had the experience of liking a guy and having him like me back in the same way (aside from my experience at 13-14), which is another reason why i haven't had any bf. The last time that i liked someone, he didn't show any signs of caring at all. I feel bad because there are people on here who are younger than me and they're calling themselves 'weird' for never having been in a relationship. So what does this make me lol. I just feel even more embarrassed..

 

thank you to everyone who has written to me about this, i appreciate it.

 

edit- I see now that this has to stop. I can't put myself down for something like this..it's just how life is. Everyone's different I can't keep feeling bad about this.

[servedcold]

This is only a problem if you allow it to be. Past relationships or lack of them is not usually good conversation fodder early on in a relationship. You aren't obligated to tell anyone anything about your past unless it directly impacts the relationship you are in at the moment.

 

By the time a guy is taken with you and wanting to see you more seriously, it won't be an issue, trust me on that. Actually, lots of guys would mark it up as a plus, as many guys learn to be wary of women who have to have a boyfriend at all times or who hop quickly from one relationship to the next. Think of it as a good thing that sets you apart from the pack.

[keith515]

g84, I was in the same situation before.

 

I was 24 and still hadn't been in a real relationship since I was 16. And that one was only a month yet I obsessed with for several months because she kept stringing me along.

 

Since my first relationship, it was easier to be in a relationship. Yes, I thought it was odd but getting that first relationship sort of broke open the door in order for me to get into relationships.

[capuccino83]

Hey g84,

 

To put some perspective on this issue for you - I was like you, I didn't have any real relationships between the age of 18 and 23 - So I was single for about four years, met my ex, broke up and now I'm single again.

 

Its okay b/c there are a lot of people are our age that dont want to date. I think its kind of hard to find a bf in mid 20s b/c so many guys wanna be single it seems.. or maybe thats just my area (I live in the NE US).

 

But to answer your question - I have many friends who are much older than you that have never had real relationships either. From knowing these girls for such a long time (and i'm also kind of in the boat with them for the same issues which is why I was single for such a long time and kind of am now) - is that they all have emotional issues that give them a huge fear of commitment - so they end up going from fling to fling or for emotionally unavailable men or get hung up on guys they dont like or play games or whatever.

 

If I heard that one never had a real relationship before - girl or guy - and I say guy too b/c I was my 23 year old ex's bf first real relationship as well and now I realize what a ref flag it should have been for me - then I would be concerned that this person has commitment problems. And honestly, no one wants to put get involved with someone who isn't really available to commit..

 

So instead of being concerned about not finding a bf b/c you've never had a real relationship before - focus on WHY you haven't had one - thats what people are going to care about. Heal yourself emotionally first - and then, no one will care about it. I hope that makes sense.

[g84]

Thanks again for your help everyone

 

Capuccino83: I understand what you mean, but my problems aren't about commitment though. I have never had any flings with guys or anything like that (i'm not into flings). For the guy friends that liked me : i also never did anything with them to lead them on; I never did anything physical with them, or flirting etc.

 

I have never really chased after anyone much, except for one guy a few years ago, and i honestly felt a very genuine connection to him, but he didn't care, and it left me feeling humiliated.

 

My only (sort of) experience was when i was in my early teens (as i mentioned in my first post).

It's just that I have not had the experience of meeting a guy, and me liking him and having him like me in the same way. The few guys that i have liked didn't really care or show any signs or liking me. I also haven't really put myself out there enough to meet new guys in recent years.