How to stop someone from being abusive?

[penelope13]

I would like to find out a bit more from people who have been emotionally abusive to other people, what their motivations were and what gave the incentive for them to finally stop this kind of behavior?

 

I am not trying to bash anyone here, i am merely trying to find out how to help someone to stop this.

[Lights]

I was horribly emotionally abused by someone I thought was a close friend of mine (again, refer to my betrayal thread, this one is directed toward the guy).

 

I guess I realized that the way he made me feel was really having a big impact on other relationships in my life, impacting my job as I felt like crap all the time, and impacting the way i felt about myself. Then I said I needed NC for a while because we were fighting all the time, and we haven't talked since. Things are on an uphill climb.

[MollyElise]

You can't stop someone from abusing someone else, that has to come from deep inside.

 

I think usually when someone stops being abusive it's because they've hit a rock bottom. i.e. my dad was verbally abusive my whole life, he got cancer (from which he has now recovered) and now is a different person, seeing his life in jeopardy made him question how he was living.

 

My dad is the only abusive person I've ever witnessed actually change. It takes alot of work, and the abusive person has to really want it.

 

If you wanted to help this person stop being abusive the best thing you could do is stop letting them abuse you, which generally means leaving the relationship.

[Lights]

What I was trying to say is that the abuser has to make that choice for themselves, no one else can do it for them. Your best bet if you're a witness to it, is to approach the one being abused and motivate them to stand up for themselves and get out of the situation.

[yeawutever]

I guess they must within themselves find the urge to control you.

[chopper65]

when someone is being abusive to someone else it has a lot to do with insecurity i will agree but also has other reasons as well they can feel that during their life they felt always lower than others thereforee because they keep it inside they eventually strike out and often at the ones they truly care about.for this to come to a stop they need to take the time and realize what it is that they are doing and put an end to it.no one else can do it for them.

[penelope13]

it's a bit difficult to end your relationship with your father. it's not really an option for me, since I do care, especially about my mom, who will never leave him.

 

I managed over many years to free myself from the emotional power that he had over me, the aggression that i felt towards him.

 

now i just want to see if there is any way that i could motivate him to see the way he acts, especially towards my mom, without destroying him (i think if he was fully aware of what he is doing he couldn't live with himself), my mother and the rest of our family.

 

I understand that the motivation has to come from him, but there must be a way to make him come to this conclusion

[itsallgrand]

When people leave when it's appropriate.

 

I agree it has to come from within. All the power is within the person to change or not.

 

After all, the whole thing is about control and power. Trying to convince a person to let go of a source of power they feel is necessary to their life or is working for them - that will always backfire. It can't be done, it only adds more fuel to the whole reason people abuse in the first place.

 

I've been abused and I have been the one being abusive.

 

The best thing in the world for someone to do is to do nothing. By that I don't mean to allow themselves to be abused.

I mean for someone to see the person who is abusing for what they are - not some monster, but someone who is out of control and so is using abuse to try and control others - just a regular human being spun out of control.

So to do nothing means to not try and deny, resist, nor to change what the person is doing.

You do what is necessary and appropriate, for yourself, and let the other see the natural normal (not dysfunctional) consequences to their behavior.

 

It's actually pretty rare for a strong enough and mature enough/healthy enough person to cross paths with an abuser and give them this gift of a reflection of what a healthy response can be.

 

Maybe you should be turning your attention less to your father and more to your feelings/attitude about your mother now.

 

She is choosing to stay in that relationship and obviously has been for many years.

She stood by and allowed your father to inject that into your family.

She allowed it and stayed with him, and all the while you had to watch a mother who has been a willing victim all those years.

 

She is an adult, not a helpless child, and obviously this is the choice she has made.

 

I bet if thought of things from your dad's side and learned more about it from the other side, you'd get a better picture of how sticking around hoping/trying to get someone to change actually creates the opposite effect...you make it worse.

 

There is always the option to get out: unless you are a truly in a situation where you are physically and otherwise unable to or to find the resources in order to be able to. Like a child.

 

I'd keep the offer on the table always and resources at hand always for your mother if she ever chose to leave the relationship, and otherwise, I'd be out of contact with her too. You can always have on hand resources and an open offer for your dad too, without having to be part of his life in a regular way.

 

Can't you see how you are still being dragged into their little drama of victim and abuser? Don't let that happen any longer.

 

This is just my opinions and observations. Take it as you will.

 

Love - the kind of love that respects a person for who they are and where they truly are, even when it is tough, it can do so much when that time comes IF a person decides they want to change. Until then, all you can do is face that you are on your own with it to decide and protect yourself first.

 

Your first obligation is to yourself, to get out of the dysfunctional environments and to start to look at your own patterns of behavior and make sure you do not fall prey to it yourself. Stopping the cycle: so you don't end up playing a victim or abuser.

 

They are adults. And you can't help anybody without first being honest enough to really help yourself.

[waveseer]

Historically my pattern is this:

 

About once a year I lose control of my mind. When I do I let out all the fears and frustrations that have been building up over the past year. Sometimes people find this offensive. It only happens in my closest relationship. I don't lose all control so even though I can't hold it in any more I try to be fair to the other person.

 

I can sugarcoat it all I want but a tirade is a tirade and that is verbal abuse.

 

What I have done is to recognize this pattern and work on communicating better all year long so I don't get so uptight all at once.

[penelope13]

I moved to the other side of the world to give myself enough space to work myself free from the emotional abuse of my parents - mind you, altogether i had a great childhood and great parents.

 

for years and years i only was looking at helping my mom and supporting her. but since i feel much stronger now and much healthier about myself, i've come to the conclusion that i can only try to help my mother (and no, I willl not cut off contact with her; i feel a huge love and responsibility towards her) if i help my father as well. i am not in a hurry to get to a solution by tomorrow, since i realize their behavioral patterns have developed over decades, but i do believe it is my responsibility to give them any support that they allow me to give.

 

i am also a strong supporter that people can change (as long as their is no biological/chemical issue at hand) as long as they find the right motivator

[yeawutever]

Yes but they will only change if they want to, it's called motivation.

[My Advice]

I would like to find out a bit more from people who have been emotionally abusive to other people, what their motivations were and what gave the incentive for them to finally stop this kind of behavior?

 

I am not trying to bash anyone here, i am merely trying to find out how to help someone to stop this.

 

You can't stop people from being abusive but you can stop them from abusing you by staying away from them.

[Wolf_22]

From my experiences, those who claim be emotionally abused were the ones usually stirring the pot to begin with.

[littlestar]

I would like to find out a bit more from people who have been emotionally abusive to other people, what their motivations were and what gave the incentive for them to finally stop this kind of behavior?

 

I am not trying to bash anyone here, i am merely trying to find out how to help someone to stop this.

 

From experience i have learnt there's not a lot you can do to stop people from being abusive. The only thing you can do for yourself is to get yourself OUT of the situation so that they can't continue to abuse you.

 

The abuser needs to take steps to realising they have a problem and then seeking help to change. Realisation and acceptance of the problem is what starts to bring about the change.

And the changes have to happen coz that's what they want. They want to better themselves, change their ways and be a better person for themselves, not for anyone else.

 

They cant change coz they love you so much and will change for you, this is all crap and abusers rarely change in this instance.

 

Most abusers were abused themselves and thereforee continue the cycle, they dont know how to break it, they're victims themselves and thereforee then become the bully later on in life.

[penelope13]

so how do they realize that they are having a problem?

[MollyElise]

Here's the thing Penelope, from your dad's point of view, he doesn't have a problem. He gets what he wants, he treats people however he wants to make himself feel bigger, nobody complains or yells or abuses him.

 

It's your mom who has a problem, she has an abusive husband who abuses her.

 

Your mom has a problem and she is okay with having a problem because your dad provides something that to her is even more important that being abused.

 

To create motivation for your father to change, he needs something to motivate him. Right now he has everything he wants, his wife is obviously okay with how he acts since she's still there (and reading between the lines I think she rarely 'stands up to him'), he is fine with the balance right now, so why should he change?

 

And what you have to understand is though you don't get it, your mom is kinda ok with this situation as well.

 

I understand being close to your mother. But I think that you should lay a ground rule in place with your mom that she cannot complain about your father to you. This is the drama she is choosing, nothing you can change that, let her know that if she ever wants to take action you will support her, but empty complaining is no longer welcome.

 

She is sucking your energy to give herself more energy which allows her to put up with his crap more, which allows him to suck her energy.

 

You are all feeding his abuse by putting up with it, discussing it and allowing it in your life at all.

[penelope13]

Hi Molly.

 

Thank you so much for your response. It has been very useful and spot on. - I already told my mother (not in so many words) that there is no point in complaining if she is not willing to do something about it. I also took extreme care to make her feel welcome to talk to me any time and to let her know that I am not judging her in any way.

 

As to my father - I also have started to show my father that I am not tolerating his behavior anymore and I have become more and more vocal about it.

 

Today I feel very hopeful that one day in the future we will all have healthier relationships with each other: i have undergone a tremendous amount of development and healing and have managed to break through the cycle. I can confidently say that I have never emotionally abused anyone and that I am about to start a new relationship with someone who is good to me and with who i have a healthy communication, respect and boundaries.

 

As to my parents, after a few months of NC with my father (due to a phone call where I told him it is not ok the way he reacts to whatever I am saying to him), he has started to send me short little emails where he starts to show support for my life and my choices, while with my mother I think she might be finally ready to get some professional help

[The Undead]

Abusers stop only when they are stopped, either by the law, or by a someone leaving their relationship, or finding help, but not, that I have ever heard of , on their own.

 

Secondly I will state with absolute authority, abuse is a choice, period.

 

My father and uncle were abused, my Uncle chose not to be an abuser, my father chose to abuse.

 

When I looked into his face and watched him close his eyes for the last time I knew he carried his hatred and anger with him. Whatever he put inside himself, I did not have, I knew it then.

 

So thirdly, I can forgive those who say the have been abusers, but that does not mean they will ever be in a position to abuse me. Because they chose to abuse, then they chose not to, but they can certainly and most probably will, choose to again.

 

And lastly there is a thing called The Stockholm Syndrome and while I have never read it being applied to abuse survivors, I believe it very much is.

 

The Stockholm syndrome was named after a terrorist hostage situation, wherein the 'hostages' tried to shield their captives from special teams sent to rescue the captives.

 

It seems that when your life is literally in the hands of someone else, you begin to identify with your abuser as a defense mechanism, because the reality is too much for your brain to cope with.

 

This describes most women in an abusive relationship. My mother who denied we were abused as well as herself, and many others I have known.

 

I can't tell you how many times I have jumped between a man and his gf\wife only to have the female aggressively defend her abuser.

 

I was chopping wood outside when accross the field, I saw a man drag his wife by her hair onto their porch, all the while beating her in the face with his free fist.

 

I leaped the fence, ran onto the porch and literally slung him off her , while mumbling some stupid Dudley Do-right nonsense about "can't be hitting a woman buddy!"

 

I came to with red lights flashing around my head. She had taken her high heel boot and driven it into the top of my skull from behind.

 

So it is not so simple as saying she is grown woman, that's just making her responsible for her own abuse, and quite frankly that is crap.

 

Likely she has no clue what to do without him, and he has surely by now made her feel she can't go it alone.

 

The only thing you can do is get material for her to read maybe something will click in her and she will realize what is happening to her.

And get some for him to read. Even longer shot that he will see the error of his ways but it's worth a shot.

 

My guess though is she will not, and neither will he, in which case the only thing you can do now is love her anyway.