Him/Her/ME

[mitford3]

Hello, I am new to this forum and wish I wasn't.

 

I am a 44 y/o female that has been in a relationship for 6 years. Moved in with him 3 years ago. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs, like most.

 

Here lies my problem:

 

6 months ago a young woman was hired where my S/O works. She was hired as the co-owner's assistant. She is 25 and very immature, as I have been told.

 

In July my S/O started emailing her. Innocent at first, but, his emails started taking on a sexual nature. She deflected the comments, but still he emailed her.

 

I only found out about all this on Oct. 27th, 2008. I had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn't right. He was becoming increasingly withdrawn, secretive, spending alot of time on his computer.

 

On the 27th I had had enough with my instincts and "snooped" through his email. I saved it all and printed it out. I sent him a text message telling him what I have found and he FLEW home from work.

 

Fit hit the shan! He kept telling me that it wasn't what I thought, it was only innocent conversation. Not some of the parts I read.

 

So now I have been dwelling on this matter. She still works where he does. I have to live with the fact he see's her on a daily basis. I try to get past it, believe that there is nothing going on but it keeps bubbling up in my head.

 

I asked/told him to not contact her anymore outside of a professional relationship but he keeps emailing her/texting her.

 

He tells me I am the Love of His life and she means very little to him. If that is so, then why can't he do as I ask and let her alone.

 

Thank You for taking the time to read this if you've gotten this far.

 

Margie

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First, he's lucky he hasn't been fired for sexual harassment, if she's been deflecting his emails and trying to stop him.

 

Second, if he is doing this kind of thing with her, the only reason nothing has happened is that she hasn't taken him up on it. He sounds a bit obsessed with her, and you are his stopgap/backup plan. If he can't stop when you ask him, then i suspect he would drop you like a hot rock if she ever did show any interest in him.

 

I would never be someone's backup plan, nor put up with someone who is harassing a young girl while professing love for me.

 

I'm sorry, he's either a lying fool, or else he has mental problems. You don't want either.

[tsarevnaelena]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. He is heading for trouble at work. His advances are NOT welcomed by this young woman and it's very possible that she will get fed up with waiting for him to "get the hint" and report him to HR. He will then likely be fired for sexual harassment, or, at the very least, demoted. But in this work climate, he likely will be let go and it will be very difficult for him to find another job.

 

I disagree that you are his "backup" plan. He likely loves you, or he wouldn't have spent so much time trying to deflect his actions. If he is around your same age, he might have started getting taken with the attention being shown him a 25-year-old woman, no matter how innocent it started off as. And now unfortunately, it sounds like he is becoming used to this attention. And actually, now that I think about it, if this woman has deflected his emails, I am wondering why she is accepting more texts and emails from him.

 

If I were you, I'd leave him. Again, he probably loves you, but it does seem like he's sniffing around for ass on the side, and you deserve much better than that.

[mitford3]

My S/O is a very sympathetic person. He is very giving and wants to help people when and where he can. This person at work is over her head and doesn't have a clue. She goes to him whinning about her supervisor. Like my S/O can save her.

 

He realizes now that what he said was inappropriate and he his truly sorry for what he said. However, when he was asked to end this so called "friendship" with her he wouldn't say yes or no.

 

I can't keep asking him, did you email her today, did you text her today. I can find all this out on my own. I guess I'm just waiting to catch him in a lie....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Having been stalked by someone at the office myself, i wouldn't assume this girl wants attention. She may not be old enough to know how to deal with this situation, or afraid to confront him, or be thought of as someone who might have encouraged him so afraid to report him, or just plain doesn't know what to do and wants to do her job, but personally wants him to go away.

 

Dealing with an office stalker is very difficult, in that no one wants to call attention to this, and doesn't want someone fired, or the trouble or potential lawsuits that such a report will bring. And you do have to work with the person, and may even like the person, but given that you see them every day, it is hard to control their behavior towards you if they don't take the hint you're not romantically interested.

 

So she may just be trying to deflect it and laugh it off or hope it goes away.

 

He however has no excuse as he is in a relationship with someone else, adn she is a young girl who has tried to deflect him and he isn't respecting her right to do that.

 

I don't think this guy loves the OP, i think he's got some major problems there, where he doesn't want to be alone (hence the girlfriend), but wants to find a replacement first before he moves on to someone else. Many people are like this, where they will hang onto the old girlfriend until they have a new one firmly sewed up and waiting for them.

[mitford3]

I agree with you 100%. He is a 49 y/o male and most if not all men love to have their ego's stroked.

 

I'm not concerned with him physically cheating on me, It's the emotional cheating that gets me. In these emails I read he claimed to "love her" "miss her" (while he was on vacation with me!)

 

She was wanting to get his help building a live streaming video lesbian webpage. AND, in another email she claims to be a "good girl"....

 

I did a little research and found her myspace page. What I found was a ton of picutures. Her all painted up, skanking around at bars. 2 of these pix were of her in a leather bra and V style panties.

 

I showed him this and he was floored. He even said, "it looks like it could be bought" "she's 2 faced".

 

So, his view of her is tarnished. I pointed out the obvious. And I've never layed eyes on her.

 

He says she's just a lost soul that needs guidance. It is not his place to guide her, save her, rescue her from a life of work. She wants to sit back and collect checks from people viewing her webpage. (which by the way hasn't come to pass because she has no clue how to build one and I told S/O NO WAY, NO HOW)

 

if you need more info, clarification, ask away. I'm at loose ends here.

[tsarevnaelena]

BeStrong, I don't know about that. He and OP may be having problems, but I think he'd not trouble himself to hide it if he didn't love or feel some type of way for her. Also, a guy who is going to cheat and look for a new gf is not going to bang his head against a brick wall, which is what this guy is doing with a girl who is obviously not interested. I think he initially wanted to help, started feeling good about being the source of comfort for a very young woman, and now wouldn't mind taking it further. Where you and I might agree is that he is putting his relationship with the OP at major risk by not stopping his behavior as she requested. But I don't think he does not love her and I don't think he is seeing this particular 25-year-old as a replacement gf.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>He says she's just a lost soul that needs guidance.

 

Oh please, spare me. He's just another middle aged horny guy lusting after the young office tart.

 

he didn't reveal this to the OP, he got caught at sending email to the young woman. He's now trying to justify his actions. If she needs guidance, she should be getting it from her father or a therapist, not some guy she works with in the office who is himself sending her less than innocent email.

 

Many a middle aged woman has made the mistake of thinking their middle aged guy's obssession with a young woman is harmless, and they discover later he only stayed until the young woman (or some other young woman) finally gave in to his advances, then he's off like a shot, and LOVES her tartiness rather than thinking it needs 'guidance'.

 

Please don't be naive here. You sound like you deep down know that this is not an innocent friendship, and if he can't and won't put her aside completely in respect for your own relationship, it is just a matter of time before he throw you over for some other young thing who does take him up on it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

btw, by you showing him photos of her myspace in leather, he is now probably spending his days looking at her and fantasizing about the leather. You think you will 'prove' this woman is unworthy of him, but really, if he is infatuated with her youth and sexiness, you are just giving him fuel for the fire. He will act outraged in your presense, then later when you're not around be hitting her myspace page 50 times a day drooling over the pictures.

[mitford3]

He asked me last nite, "Do you think her and I had sex?" Right off I said no. But now that I think about it, other things come to mind. Like his question a few weeks ago, can you accidently have sex? * * * ? ummm, no you can't. Your clothes don't accidently fall off, you dont accidently get an erection, etc....

 

It's not sex, it's the mental stimulation and him being the knight in shining armour mentality. I am a very independent female. I don't ask for help if I can do it on my own. SHE on the other hand is pitiful.

 

So, with that said, I stepped up to the webpage building for his company. I even showed him why his pc port wouldn't open. He didn't think I knew how to do certain things with computers. He spent 3 days looking for answers to the port problem with no answers. It took me all of 15 minutes to figure it out and he was amazed. Same with his company's website.

[metrogirl]

btw, by you showing him photos of her myspace in leather, he is now probably spending his days looking at her and fantasizing about the leather. You think you will 'prove' this woman is unworthy of him, but really, if he is infatuated with her youth and sexiness, you are just giving him fuel for the fire. He will act outraged in your presense, then later when you're not around be hitting her myspace page 50 times a day drooling over the pictures.

 

I was thinking the exact same thing.

[tsarevnaelena]

He asked me last nite, "Do you think her and I had sex?" Right off I said no. But now that I think about it, other things come to mind. Like his question a few weeks ago, can you accidently have sex? * * * ? ummm, no you can't. Your clothes don't accidently fall off, you dont accidently get an erection, etc....

 

Um, wow. OK, I revise my opinion. This guy's a tool and you'd be better off rid of him.

[mitford3]

He asked me last nite if I would go up to his work to meet this person? Maybe if I met with her and spoke with her my opinon of this matter would change. I told him that I had nothing to say to her. Now I'm thinking that I should confront this skank and see how the 2 of them interact when I'm around.

[agent1607307371]

He asked me last nite if I would go up to his work to meet this person? Maybe if I met with her and spoke with her my opinon of this matter would change. I told him that I had nothing to say to her. Now I'm thinking that I should confront this skank and see how the 2 of them interact when I'm around.

 

Really, I think you should stop blaming her and put the respsonsibility where it belongs.

 

It's fine to hate her because she goes out clubbing and is 25, but she's not the one sexually harassing someone in her office.

 

He wants you to meet her because he thinks it will calm you down so he can keep on bahaving badly and without respect for you.

[mitford3]

I don't hate her, I hate the games she plays. And he's lame enough to fall into them. I know I can NOT control other peoples' actions, only my own. I have so much invested in this relationship, not just emotionally but financially as well.

 

I've been arguing with myself for nearly a month now, do I stay or do I go? My first response is to run, run away, NOW. However, that is not the adult way to deal with it. We keep discussing this situation and it's just round and round. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset if nothing is happening between them, I'm upset that he doesn't understand my need for HIM to end this "friendship".

 

I have 2 places I can go if I do decide to leave. But it's a damn battle from within. Give him a chance to make it up to me or hang around and get stabbed in the back.

 

What to do, what to do?

[HeartGoesOn]

He asked me last nite if I would go up to his work to meet this person? Maybe if I met with her and spoke with her my opinon of this matter would change. I told him that I had nothing to say to her. Now I'm thinking that I should confront this skank and see how the 2 of them interact when I'm around.

 

 

I wouldn't confront her, Why sink to their level?

 

I'd be willing to bet that he has all of this arranged with her, as far as how to act around you in order to make it look like there's nothing going on.

 

I wouldn't waste my energy with him, you already have all the information that you need.

[agent1607307371]

He's obviously not interested in making it up with you. I basically had the same thing go on with an ex of mine. Telling me he loved me, wasn't leaving me, oh ignore her, she's just a girl I know, we're friends ect.

 

And then she graduated from the college he worked at (not teaching) and he dumped me for her right in the middle of my final year exams and dissertation period. If I'd listened to my gut, I'd have been, not ok, but better. He basically took all my friends and left me devastated. The girl was a child and an idiot and I've a good feeling he messed her up too, but he was an adult and my bf and that's where the responsibility lies.

[mitford3]

Let me give you a little insight into me.

 

I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic, we had 2 children, now 26 and 20. I stayed in the marriage for the kids. yea rite... My ex was arrested for indecent exposure on one of his drinking binges and was hauled to jail, 10 years probation etc.

 

All the years we were married he accused me of screwing around on him. You accuse enough, eventually it'll happen. I admitted my mistake, begged for forgiveness. He harboured ill feelings towards me and accused me all the time. When he was confronted about his fidelity he claimed he was innocent of sin. I found out otherwise when he finally confessed right before our breakup that he was paying prostitutes to watch him "abuse himself", then got a good deal for another $10 so he could screw her.

 

Ok, with that said, it's hard for me to trust, not just men, but anybody. I came into my current relationship jaded, however, I gave my S/O the benefit of the doubt. He has been very good to me up until Oct. 27th when fit hit the shan.

 

Now all these past feelings of mistrust are washing in again.

 

I want to believe he would not cause me any harm in any way. I keep beating that dead horse, with no satisfaction.

 

Am I just hanging on to old hurts and projecting the outcome from bad experience on my NOW relationship or should I get the hell outa dodge before the other shoe falls?

[Tokyorose]

Really I dont understand why you keep addressing her as skank. She isn't hitting on him, only deflecting his advances. Maybe she really is looking for help at work. I mean she's possibly right out of college and scared to death about the real world. If she would have flirted back with him it might be a different story. Really how one conducts themselves at work as opposed to their private life IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Shoving those pictures in your S/O's face was pretty immature. For all you know, he could end up sharing this with his workplace and maybe get her into trouble. HE'S the one sexually harassing her, and that in itself is a HUGE red flag.

 

You act as if she's playing him for a fool when really you havent' given any reason to make me believe she's playing him at all. She might not even know you exist. By calling her those names, you AREN'T acting like an adult. You should instead focus on why you are dating a guy like this in the first place. Instead of thinking about how much you have sacrificed financially, think of how much more money you might potentially waste by staying with him.

 

You've tried to explain to him that you don't want him to be friends with her, and honestly he's not putting any effort to change. Will you ever be comfortable with this? I doubt it, I know I wouldn't be. At this point, I would start making serious consideration and planning on breaking up.

[Tokyorose]

IMO i'd get the hell out.

[Girl79]

I'd get the hell out too. It's obvious if he hasn't already cheated on you with her, he will probably cheat on the next girl who gives him the go ahead! How much more obvious does it have to be before you can see it? He asked you if you can accidently have sex with someone? The guy sounds like an immature teenager. You aren't even married to this man, so I would suggest that you leave this loser ASAP.

[mitford3]

Tokyorose,

 

You are right. I am not being very adultlike by calling names. And indeed, she is young and immature. He is the one that started this mess, he is the one who needs to end it. If he wants to keep me that is.

 

Let me explain to you why I feel like I do towards her.

 

In these emails I've read, she screams to him for help due to her boss's actions. She doesn't like her boss and wishes him to be gone. The boss is a co-owner of the company. She was hired to be an assistant for him. If she doesn't like the job, why does she need to go begging for help from my S/O? Where does she get off thinking that the co-owner needs to leave the company?

 

Also, she was in need of a car. She was constantly asking my S/O to be a co-signer on the loan. "if you want to help me, be a doll and sign the papers" the email said. and as a post script to this email it said, "by the way, I want the pink MP3 player".

 

This person has a boyfriend, has a place to live, has her own support network. Why stroke the ego of another womans man to get what you want/need?

[Girl79]

Wow, she obviously knows he likes her and is trying to take advantage of him. It sounds like she is using him to buy her things because she knows how much he likes her. What a mess. He needs to get a new job, or she needs to get a new job, if you are going to make this relationship work with him. I still say leave him though.

[mitford3]

Thank You Girl79,

 

You see where my dilemma is.

 

With all that has been said, re-said and done, S/O is trying to make it up to me but he doesn't want to be constantly reminded of his screw up. I told him it's something I have to get over in my own time. I have to work it out inside me, with his help. If sometimes I need some reassuring, don't get hostile and blow up at me. This mess is HIS fault, I need time.

 

He also tells me that she is looking for another job. I'm glad that she is, but, pissed that she has to tell him. I asked him to speak w/ her on about company business. I don't know if he/she/they can or will. Like I said, I can't control others, just myself.

 

This mess gives me a big fat headache!

[tangi39]

Dump him.

 

Dump him.

 

DUMP. HIM.

 

 

It seems to me they would have had sex if she had said yes.

If he really is that much of an idiot to fall for her using him like that- then WOW- HE's really immature !

In this case, her NOT working there might be worse- since it seems that it being "inappropriate at work" or "for colleagues" was one of the only things standing in his way so to speak. What if he did co sign a loan for her or buy her an expensive gift, she may feel she is obligated to sleep with him then.

 

Either way, a man who is middle aged and in a relationship should know better ! I don't care what he says- Give me a break ! He should know FAR better than to do ANY of this, if not, I don't know if you want to date someone who's THAT clueless !

Dump him ! You seriously don't need this !