waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 I posted this in another thread but it's kind of been eating at me since I got here. Often people are passing around advice on how to win their ex'es back. Sometimes this advice encourages the withholding of feelings... There's something I just don't understand about the witholding of feelings. It has to do with the ultimate purpose and the suitability of the other person. When I have feelings, I share them. It's out of respect to myself and the other person. How can they make an informed decision regarding the future of our relation if they don't know how I feel? I don't want them back if they don't want to be back, that would be trying to manipulate them into doing something that isn't in their best interest, wouldn't it? Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 To be honest, I dont think theres any such thing as winning your ex back. I wouldnt want to 'win' an ex back, because if they dont want to be with me im practically trying to force them to be. If they want you back I think they would come to you and say so, if they saw postitive change etc, i think the best way is generally NC. Link to comment
Abbygail Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 I think explaining your feelings is only a good idea as a last-chance effort... if you are about to lose them and you want to make sure they know how you feel and aren't making the decision based on them thinking you no longer care or no longer want it to work out. Other than that, if you want your ex back it can truly be taxing to them if you are expressing your feelings all the time. My ex had a shot with me but everytime we talked we'd end up in some deep conversation about a future relationship, and in the end it was just too much too soon. You want to try to be light-hearted/fun to be around because you want them to want to be with you for you, and not have their head clouded by what went on in the relationship and feelings resulting from such. You'll be free to share how you feel all you want once you get them back. Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 If they aren't sure they want you back, why would you want to be back with them? Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 To be honest, I dont think theres any such thing as winning your ex back. I wouldnt want to 'win' an ex back, because if they dont want to be with me im practically trying to force them to be. If they want you back I think they would come to you and say so, if they saw postitive change etc, i think the best way is generally NC. I agree. After some period of NC when the person feels ready, often the advice given is for LC with the intention of a possible reconciliation. Link to comment
istillluvu06 Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 Why would we share or express our deepest feelings or love to someone who broke up with us? I know we want to, but they arent telling us anything and I think it only hurts more. idk I still am so confused Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 Yeah, I think if they break up with you, its ok to tell them how you feel at the time, so they leave knowing you still care and still love them. Then to move on with your life and show them you can be strong and be ok, and if they want to be with you then its their move. Link to comment
Abbygail Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 If they aren't sure they want you back, why would you want to be back with them? Hmm, not sure how your question relates to my post. Sorry. Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 Why would we share or express our deepest feelings or love to someone who broke up with us? I know we want to, but they arent telling us anything and I think it only hurts more. idk I still am so confused If they aren't telling me anything, maybe they are waiting for me to go first? I will never know unless I take the risk. Link to comment
istillluvu06 Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 If its been 3 months nc, thats pretty obvious. I get urges to text or even write a long email etc. But I know it will only hurt more. Even though I wish he knew how I really felt, but he hurt me ALOT at end and I am very bitter and angry. Long drawn out story but I would feel weak doing that at this point. This is the 3rd break up same guy in 4 years. I've been down the begging crying pleading road before. Too scared of the pain it can cause. And honestly now I look at him differently, he wasnt the person I thought he was. Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 Hmm, not sure how your question relates to my post. Sorry. You mentioned your ex being taxed by deep emotional conversations. To me that is a big indicator that they are not comfortable with that level of relating to me. If that is true then they really don't want what I have to offer. Why should I expect that to change in the future? Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 Yeah, I think if they break up with you, its ok to tell them how you feel at the time, so they leave knowing you still care and still love them. Then to move on with your life and show them you can be strong and be ok, and if they want to be with you then its their move. I agree with this. Which means the whole LC after healing is whistling in the dark. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 If they aren't telling me anything, maybe they are waiting for me to go first? I will never know unless I take the risk. If someone dumps a person and is waiting for a love declaration from the dumpee because they don't want to put themselves on the line then who needs to be with a coward who won't own up to their mistake. That's of course if the dumper wasn't forced to dump the dumpee because of bad behaviour from the dumpee. In that case it should be the dumpee owning up to mistakes. Link to comment
Abbygail Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 You mentioned your ex being taxed by deep emotional conversations. To me that is a big indicator that they are not comfortable with that level of relating to me. If that is true then they really don't want what I have to offer. Why should I expect that to change in the future? Ohhh no, I was talking about myself being taxed by them. My ex was the one initiating them. Link to comment
brent642 Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 I knew this topic would come up. It all boils down to what you define as "manipulation". Imagine this: It's the first date, you have to fart. Do you? No...of course you don't. Why? Because the other person would find it...well, not something positive they would like about you... ...in this situation, no matter how you slice it...you're holding back what you really want to do for yourself selfishly beneath the higher intention of pleasing the other person...basically "wanting them to like you more"... ...this is a stretched analogy. BUT if you want an ex back, above anything else, sadly you have to play the "game"...it's all psychology...and the more you play, the better you get. It's all about knowing what buttons to push. I once thought this same way as you put it so I can really relate to what you mean. But such is life that not everyone else besides you is on the same page and more often than not they need a little push to understand yourself as you do. I pleaded,even cried which i now regret(sooo embarrassing), and that is truly how i felt...but it actually had THE WORST EFFECT on getting my ex gf back...ever since I went NC, started dating, acting like i was a power plant of confidence, she's come back around...and she is probably one of the most stubborn people i have ever met in my life, which says a lot about the power of this. Ultimately, it's up to you. If you rather be true to yourself, than get your ex back then do it. That would probably be the most noble thing. But if you're willing to sacrifice your dignity a little bit to get them back...then you have nobody to blame but yourself. Best of luck in whatever path you choose! Link to comment
istillluvu06 Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 Brent.....How long did it take for her to come around/? Link to comment
pushforward Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 In my opinion, letting your feelings out one last time allows you closure. If you were the dumpee. Generally the dumper had time to prepare for this breakup. I think letting the dumper know how you really feel is for you and only you. To get it out there that you love them. Getting that off your chest will allow you to move on without regret. Instead of the what ifs? What if I told them? It's not so much a manipulation to win them back. It's you confessing what you thought at the time is true. Which is, you love them. Having this closure will allow you to move on. Unless, of course you repeat this. In my opinion, once again. I think it's best to lay your cards on the table and walk away. You said everything you could possibly say. If that doesn't change their mind, it's okay. You get it off your chest and shouldn't give it a second thought. Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 If its been 3 months nc, thats pretty obvious. I get urges to text or even write a long email etc. But I know it will only hurt more. Even though I wish he knew how I really felt, but he hurt me ALOT at end and I am very bitter and angry. Long drawn out story but I would feel weak doing that at this point. This is the 3rd break up same guy in 4 years. I've been down the begging crying pleading road before. Too scared of the pain it can cause. And honestly now I look at him differently, he wasnt the person I thought he was. I completely understand why nc is so important to the healing process. Do you see yourself ever trying to make contact in the future? Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 If someone dumps a person and is waiting for a love declaration from the dumpee because they don't want to put themselves on the line then who needs to be with a coward who won't own up to their mistake. That's of course if the dumper wasn't forced to dump the dumpee because of bad behaviour from the dumpee. In that case it should be the dumpee owning up to mistakes. I'd rather be happy than right. Maybe that's my problem. I feel that as long as the dumpee does own up to their mistakes who cares in what order it happens? Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 Ohhh no, I was talking about myself being taxed by them. My ex was the one initiating them. Ok, did you have deep feelings for your ex that you were sure of? Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 I see a huge difference between trying to make a good initial impression and avoiding the truth about how I feel with someone I know almost as well as I know myself. I don't think it's "wrong" to play the game, I just can't stomach it. In other words, it's wrong for me and being true to myself is more important than securing the affection of another. Link to comment
Abbygail Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 Ok, did you have deep feelings for your ex that you were sure of? Yes. At the time I still thought he was 'the one'. The main reason it was taxing for me was because I needed to heal from some things he'd done to hurt me... So it'd be awhile before I'd be ready to be with him again. So to keep talking about it despite that fact was too much... felt like he wanted me to be with him now, when I wasn't ready. Link to comment
istillluvu06 Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 I unfortunatley am going to have to in the future cause there are bills, accounts in my name and still have alot of stuff there. I am dreading it so much, I get a panic attack thinking about it. I am not strong enough now. He made contact by text 2 weeks ago to give me an important message. I texted back, way more than I should have. I had been away to the place we met and I told him how much memories I had there etc. He said he thinks about me alot too. Wish he never said that and wish I never said anything other than thanks for the message. Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 Yes. At the time I still thought he was 'the one'. The main reason it was taxing for me was because I needed to heal from some things he'd done to hurt me... So it'd be awhile before I'd be ready to be with him again. So to keep talking about it despite that fact was too much... felt like he wanted me to be with him now, when I wasn't ready. And in that situation would it have been okay to tell him that so he could adjust accordingly? Link to comment
waveseer Posted November 15, 2008 Author Share Posted November 15, 2008 I unfortunatley am going to have to in the future cause there are bills, accounts in my name and still have alot of stuff there. I am dreading it so much, I get a panic attack thinking about it. I am not strong enough now. He made contact by text 2 weeks ago to give me an important message. I texted back, way more than I should have. I had been away to the place we met and I told him how much memories I had there etc. He said he thinks about me alot too. Wish he never said that and wish I never said anything other than thanks for the message. Oh man, that is so hard. I've done that too. It must take herculean strength to avoid pouring your heart out. Link to comment
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