Can someone explain this to me?

[pushforward]

I don't think it's "wrong" to play the game, I just can't stomach it. In other words, it's wrong for me and being true to myself is more important than securing the affection of another.

 

What I've come to learn. Always put yourself first. See all the miserable people who are waiting on their exes to come back and not move on?

 

That's putting their ex's need before their own. Sorry, I don't want to be anyone's doormat or emotional crutch.

 

If you are the dumpee, you really shouldn't care about how the dumper feels, you are the one that did not leave. Unless they left because of valid reasons, like abuse, infidelity, etc..

 

If you think the dumper has pride and are too scared to contact you. Try thinking of it this way. You got dumped. That person made a mistake, but will not contact you for reconciliation because of pride/ego. Even, if they really wanted it. They wait for the dumpee to make the first move.

 

I wouldn't want somebody that hurt me and can't admit they were wrong and genuinely show that they are sorry. I do everything for me now, regardless of how anybody feels. I come first. Selfish? Yes, but I wasn't selfish in the relationship, it's time I started to put myself before anybody else. I only deserve it.

 

=D

[Abbygail]

And in that situation would it have been okay to tell him that so he could adjust accordingly?

 

I did tell him that actually.

 

As to how it relates to your initial question though, yeah, I think it was okay to tell him. If I hadn't said anything he would have kept doing it not knowing what he was doing wrong. Granted he kept doing it anyway but at least he knew how I felt.

[waveseer]

I agree with you. I guess my internal struggle has more to do with rejecting the notion of LC at some undefined point in the future unless I am will to be open and honest about any feelings I may have at that point. If I do nc properly I will not have any deep emotional connection that needs airtime if that even ever happens for me. And if I no longer feel the connection, what point is there to having contact of any type regardless of who initiates?

[waveseer]

I did tell him that actually.

 

As to how it relates to your initial question though, yeah, I think it was okay to tell him. If I hadn't said anything he would have kept doing it not knowing what he was doing wrong. Granted he kept doing it anyway but at least he knew how I felt.

 

It's cruel to continue imposing your feelings on another person after a discussion like the one you described. If someone did that to me it would make me feel like they thought they were more important than I was. I went nc to avoid doing just exactly that to my ex, or at least not doing it any more.

[istillluvu06]

Like I had said before. If someone really loves you they wouldnt walk away. In cases of cheating abuse yea. But these were things that I know could have been worked through. Seems so horrible to walk away from something that so much time and love has been put into. But I am in a very horrible place right now and he has not offered to help or even ask how I am so I know he doesnt love me, although he said he would always........Words!

[summerpeach]

 

Imagine this: It's the first date, you have to fart. Do you?

 

LOL..funny, I've not laughed in days.

YES I DO....kidding

[waveseer]

Like I had said before. If someone really loves you they wouldnt walk away. In cases of cheating abuse yea. But these were things that I know could have been worked through. Seems so horrible to walk away from something that so much time and love has been put into. But I am in a very horrible place right now and he has not offered to help or even ask how I am so I know he doesnt love me, although he said he would always........Words!

 

I'm sorry that happenned to you and I do know how it feels. Sometimes people walk away because they can't deal with their own feelings (and sometimes those feelings are about themselves).

 

I hope you have another avenue for help, even an aquaintance if you really need it.

[summerpeach]

Well my best friend is a guy.

His girlfriend and him broke up mutually 8 yrs ago. She moved away. He went to where she moved and begged for her back. She refused to see him. He tried everything. He did not hear from her again for 2 yrs.

 

Then time past and they were able to be friends. She moved back and worked back in the same place he did (they worked together before)

They have never been intimate but only friends and do not see each other very much, but did take a family trip together.

 

Last summer she went to his place while I was there. At the time I told her about all the issues I was having with my ex. Many of my issues were the same as she had with my friend.

She pulls me aside and says "Don't make the same mistake I made, I wished I never walked away from A"

 

I was shocked! She refused to see him, made him jump through hoops and never told him she still loved him?

And no, I never told him what she told me.

Then as the tables turned, she wanted him back and he said "nope" to her

 

Then 3 weeks ago, he let's me read a letter he wrote her a year ago and never sent it.

The letter said how much he loved her and was in love with her and how he regretted so many things.

 

He never gave it to her.

They are both still single

 

How's that for pride?!

[waveseer]

That's a heartwrenching story. The stuff movies are made of. Only in the movies does it work out every time. Life can really suck at times.

[istillluvu06]

No dont really have any friends here. Moved here over 3 years ago to be with him and work at his shop. Needless to say I am unemployed, my car broke down and couldnt afford to fix it, been ill and found out I have fibromyalgia and severe depression on top.

Yep things movies are made of.............

[onemanband]

What do you all think if the situation is this:

 

Me the dumpee is male, she's female.

 

she left me because of some of my actions. She still loves me, and still is attracted to me. She is however, hurt by me, and doesnt trust me (she had trust issues to begin with).

 

??

 

I went NC for a few weeks, and we've talked a few times since. She 'says' she ok with being friends and doesn't want to give me the 'wrong impression', but she's jealous and prys a little. She's also truly interested in how I'm doing. I get the vibe that she still keeps hope, but wants to see the change.

 

Still play the 'game'?

[Abbygail]

That's why I think that it's important the person knows how you truly feel before you do something such as NC... that way you know that you did all you can do.

[Abbygail]

What do you all think if the situation is this:

 

Me the dumpee is male, she's female.

 

she left me because of some of my actions. She still loves me, and still is attracted to me. She is however, hurt by me, and doesnt trust me (she had trust issues to begin with).

 

??

 

I went NC for a few weeks, and we've talked a few times since. She 'says' she ok with being friends and doesn't want to give me the 'wrong impression', but she's jealous and prys a little. She's also truly interested in how I'm doing. I get the vibe that she still keeps hope, but wants to see the change.

 

Still play the 'game'?

 

What is 'the game' that you're referring to?

 

I think it depends on what you did. Some things will take longer for her to trust you again than others.

[waveseer]

No dont really have any friends here. Moved here over 3 years ago to be with him and work at his shop. Needless to say I am unemployed, my car broke down and couldnt afford to fix it, been ill and found out I have fibromyalgia and severe depression on top.

Yep things movies are made of.............

 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean your situation I meant the love that never connected.

 

If there's anything I can do to help, just let me know.

[waveseer]

What do you all think if the situation is this:

 

Me the dumpee is male, she's female.

 

she left me because of some of my actions. She still loves me, and still is attracted to me. She is however, hurt by me, and doesnt trust me (she had trust issues to begin with).

 

??

 

I went NC for a few weeks, and we've talked a few times since. She 'says' she ok with being friends and doesn't want to give me the 'wrong impression', but she's jealous and prys a little. She's also truly interested in how I'm doing. I get the vibe that she still keeps hope, but wants to see the change.

 

Still play the 'game'?

 

I don't know what you should do. I know that I couldn't help but try to make things right with her in that situation whether it lead to getting back together or not.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'd rather be happy than right. Maybe that's my problem. I feel that as long as the dumpee does own up to their mistakes who cares in what order it happens?

 

 

It matters because it sets a precedence that the wrong-doer can just sit around and wait for the other person to run back and make declarations. In the long run it may not lead to happiness at all..it just may lead to the wrong-doer taking the other person for granted and never owning up to being wrong.

[istillluvu06]

All I know is he was acting like a totally different person before we broke up again, did alot of hurtful things etc. Then about a month after texts me saying he missed me, we talked everyday but only during work hours, never at nite or weekends. So I started to feel stupid like just a convenience or guilt on his part thing. We actually did go on a date, was nice but after that I questioned his intentions cause it was killing me, I guess he decided otherwise never really answered me although he said he thought we could date and grow? To me I just felt too confused angry and hurt. And he had already been on all the dating sites talking to other women and who knos what else.

All this was way too much for me. Just hurt too much. I dont know how he couldnt understand that. I'll never know.

[onemanband]

I don't know what you should do. I know that I couldn't help but try to make things right with her in that situation whether it lead to getting back together or not.

 

I posted the thread here

 

 

I'm slowly making it better with her. I do want another chance with her though.

 

Abby: I'm referring to the 'game' of acting aloof and like I don't want her. reverse psychology I guess.

[waveseer]

It matters because it sets a precedence that the wrong-doer can just sit around and wait for the other person to run back and make declarations. In the long run it may not lead to happiness at all..it just may lead to the wrong-doer taking the other person for granted and never owning up to being wrong.

 

And if that were to happen I would still be glad I tried. Maybe it's selfish but I generally leave no stone unturned to avoid living with regret later. If the response wasn't loving and kind then I would stop bothering.

[waveseer]

I can so relate, it hurt like hell. Finally I just figured that maybe he did really miss me, but obviously not enough.

[Abbygail]

I posted the thread here

 

 

I'm slowly making it better with her. I do want another chance with her though.

 

Abby: I'm referring to the 'game' of acting aloof and like I don't want her. reverse psychology I guess.

 

If you decide to do this, you should make sure that you're OK with yourself and happy with your life first... so it doesn't become where you're playing "the game" and analyzing her every word etc. Usually that involves LC and that's a lot easier to do if you have your own life together... that way she sees how happy you are etc and you're genuinely happy not faking it to get her back.

 

This may be an unpopular opinion but I have played "the game" with an ex and it did work, however he really treated me like crap down the road so tread with caution.

[waveseer]

I posted the thread here

 

 

I'm slowly making it better with her. I do want another chance with her though.

 

Abby: I'm referring to the 'game' of acting aloof and like I don't want her. reverse psychology I guess.

 

If you knew right now that you didn't stand any chance with her in the future, would you still try to make it right?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I guess it depends on the circumstances...if the dumpee has made it clear at the time of the dumping that he/she still loved the person and wanted to work things out then I think the dumpee can have a clear conscience that he/she tried everything and now it is up to the dumper if the dumper wants back in, in the future.

[onemanband]

If you knew right now that you didn't stand any chance with her in the future, would you still try to make it right?

 

 

100% I would. If you love someone, you care about them whether or not you're in the picture.

[waveseer]

I guess it depends on the circumstances...if the dumpee has made it clear at the time of the dumping that he/she still loved the person and wanted to work things out then I think the dumpee can have a clear conscience that he/she tried everything and now it is up to the dumper if the dumper wants back in, in the future.

 

In my case the dumping process wasn't very clear. It figures that the one relationship I would have preferred a clean break it didn't happen that way. I'm not even sure who dumped whom but I do know that I was more invested, well, until I went nc the first time.