Can someone explain this to me?

[waveseer]

100% I would. If you love someone, you care about them whether or not you're in the picture.

 

That's the way I see it too. My ex did try to make it right with me (and succeeded) but didn't want to be back together. The process of working through what happenned took months, during which all of my feelings for him returned. Ugh.

[onemanband]

That's the way I see it too. My ex did try to make it right with me (and succeeded) but didn't want to be back together. The process of working through what happenned took months, during which all of my feelings for him returned. Ugh.

 

Did you leave him or vice versa.

[waveseer]

Did you leave him or vice versa.

 

Good question. We had a discussion about feelings and it was clear I had more. He backed off because he didn't want to hurt me further and I contacted him to say no hard feelings. We tried to be distant but friendly but I couldn't take him saying he missed me and I snapped. I sent like 8 emails detailing the highlights of my frustrations with the relationship. He backed way, way off. I stopped contacting him. Seven weeks later he contacted me to see if we could be friends. I tried and couldn't so I didn't contact him for a year. During that year he said he'd tried to contact me but I had changed everthing so I don't know how often he did.

 

Who left whom? I have no idea.

[In Limbo]

OMG!That's kind of an eye opener for all the egotists who ignore what their heart says.I hope it will make them reconsider.I say this , cuz i have read quite a few posts wherein i found the person was simply on an ego trip.

Funny thing is , other posts over there seemed to support that notion.

 

I think for any relationship to work we need to brush our egos aside & look for the 'mutual good' for the sake of it.

 

Too many perfect relationships go sour beyond the point of no return just because people could not think beyond themselves.

 

Its always 'Us' & not 'I, me ,myself'.

 

There are tens of ways to pull everything down & hardly a handful to make it work so one has to be cautious & understanding of this.

[summerpeach]

I think for any relationship to work we need to brush our egos aside & look for the 'mutual good' for the sake of it.

 

Too many perfect relationships go sour beyond the point of no return just because people could not think beyond themselves.

 

Its always 'Us' & not 'I, me ,myself'.

 

 

You just hit the nail on the head of why my last relationship failed.

I went into therapy, started to admit my issues, worked hard on them, became vulnerable to the ex and told him I was working on getting my head straight. All he could say was "It's good you're willing to change and admit this"

Yet, this guy is the one of the MOST dysfunctional people I ever met, and he feels that he is A OK!

 

Funny how some people will allow their egos to rule so much of their lives

These are the people who end up alone forever.

 

My friend I talked about above is VERY good looking, makes great money, has a beautiful home and has girls chasing him all the time, but he's been alone for 8 yrs.

EGO EGO EGO!

[waveseer]

..

If the dumpee still loves the ex, the ex usually knows this. NC, LC, etc...none of it makes a difference. If they love you, they will be back. If not, they won't.

 

My ex didn't know or he wouldn't have been in contact just to reject me a second time. He cares more than that. Also, he contacted me when I was in nc but claims he doesn't love me. Is he in denial?

[coldplay.]

I believe that many people responding here are looking at it in a different way than you are.

 

Love is not perfect, the majority of the time there are no faerie tale stories. Love is not validation. Love is what you build between two people. After a breakup the things that once were are no longer. If you as someone which has dumped or you dumped what ever to straight up tell you their feelings for you even after being in "some" LC chances are your going to get shot down; not because they dont have the potential to have those feelings but because they have no developed and been cultivated.

 

The "game" is Everything they arnt just going to automatically have feelings for you. Others as well as myself (this may sound selfish but it is a reality) see the objective when its all said and done being, A. Are we back together. It is not wrong to want, "forcing" someone to have feelings is a terrible way to put it. If at the end of the day they love you, regardless of how you got their, honorably of course, does it matter????

 

if your applying

Honesty = Respect

to this, then you must know both need to be earned, i can honest with adolf hitler but in no way do i respect him. So i think that statement is a little inflated.

[waveseer]

So you are saying to allow the time for the other person's feelings to grow before you state your intentions. The only way I can see doing this is if you have no intentions of taking it further than friendship.

[coldplay.]

To be honest i wouldnt treat reconciliation much differently than dating someone new for the first time. If you just met someone and you tell them you like them or love them, they may be flattered, or may even Really like it! But more often then not, they will be taken back by it. Because telling someone that you dont know that you have feelings for them is a little lets say odd.

 

Now you may say, but its an ex and of course i know them, if we really knew our ex's as good as we think we wouldnt be broken up most of the time. Have to accept the fact that the breakup was a Break, a Cut, there is no more us/them no more connections even subtly. If you look at it from their prospective in that way, feelings that once were are dead and gone. The only foreseeable way to get by this is by building new feelings, and i think the best way to do that is with ways we already know how to. Dating, being playful, not coming on to strong, just like someone new, and if they are treated like that i believe your giving them respect. Your respecting the fact that the old relationship died for a reason, and that your honestly want to take them not Back into the broken relationship but forward into a new direction. Plus you have the added benefit of knowing 'how' to date them, you know what they like, what to avoid should it should infact even be to some measure easier dating an ex, as long as we keep things under control.

[waveseer]

I can understand this and it makes sense to me. NC has the added bonus of allowing time for the old relationship to pass away for lack of a better term. Only then can the possibility of a new relationship be created.

 

Thanks for talking me through this.

[waveseer]

...

I only know that if he is still contacting you there are still feelings there. I don't know how strong, but they are there.

 

I see your point. Yes we both still have feelings but they aren't compatable with each other.

[waveseer]

..

How do you mean? Do you think he still loves you? Do you still love him?

 

He has the passive kind of love for me but I have the active kind of love for him. They don't mix well if the active love wants their effort to be met halfway at least.

[waveseer]

..

Well, I am not entirely sure I follow, but I know people express love in different ways and some are more demonstrative than others. If there is still love there for BOTH of you, I really would not want to give up. I don't know your history, will have to go back and read...

 

I appreciate your help but if both parties aren't willing to make an effort that pretty much seals it. It's a wrap. Dead. Done. Over with. Kaput. Passed it's sell by date. In the rubbish bin. Down the drain. Over and out. Ceased to be a going concern. Deceased. A lost cause.