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Here It Comes Again.....

Dagless

By Dagless
in Grief Loss and Bereavement

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Dagless Enthusiast

Dagless

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In a couple of days it will be ten months since it all started. I was feeling okay until I was looking at some photographs a few minutes ago and down came the tears. It hurts so much, I miss her so much there's just no end to it. It's like I'm broken and no matter how much I pour in to myself if just keep leaking until I am empty again.

 

The boys birthday is very soon and it's one we will both miss. I miss the three of us together, I still have gifts for him which I bought at Xmas and were saving them and now they are just gathering dust in the attic. I wanted for us to build a new life together, I wanted to see him grow up and now I don't even know where he lives.

 

Ten months, ten months of this pain and it doesn't get any easier, it still hurting me to my very core.

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CallingAllAngels Contributor

CallingAllAngels

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Dagless...

 

I am so very sorry for your pain. 10 months must seem like a lifetime to grieve the loss of a sudden death, when really, it is not that long at all. Time is all relative. The more time that goes by, the better for you, although no one wants to wish their life away. I have said that time does not so much heal all wounds as it does change us.

 

I was not aware that she had a son. Forgive me if I am stating the obvious, but is there any way you could made arrangements to see him if only to give him his gifts?

 

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...

 

~Allie

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tiredofvampires Proficient

tiredofvampires

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10 months must seem like a lifetime to grieve the loss of a sudden death, when really, it is not that long at all. Time is all relative.

 

I couldn't agree with this more, Dags.

 

But I ache for you, for this feeling of bottomless longing that only finds periods of respite -- only to feel that they are intervals in a continuing state of separation.

 

Do remember though, that at times like this, some of the perspective kind of closes in, and it FEELS as though "it doesn't get any easier"; when the truth is that slowly, in minute steps, your ability to feel "okay" comes just a little more often, and when you feel "okay", the okayness you feel now is just a little more okay than the okay you felt 8 months ago. But when it comes to the special days that you would be sharing things together, when you are re-experiencing that day of loss, and the whole of your future and what happened get stirred together, yes, that's when it feels like you haven't moved an inch. Or are back at the beginning. But know that while this feels like "the way it really is" at those moments, it's just as true that at times other times, when you feel more steady, that is just equally as much "the way it really is."

 

No one state of being or feeling is the be-all-end-all of the shape of things, or a remark or "verdict" on how much progress you've made. Just remember the whole thing is a work in progress and at times you'll feel as much yearning as you ever did -- and at other times, you'll feel like you're farther along than you ever have felt (nod, your journal), and everything in between those end extremes.

 

I can only imagine how deep the feeling of missing her....and loving her, and the remembering things. And what I've observed is that for some reason, the 10 month mark is especially emotionally wracking. That's not to say the others have been much easier, but I think there's something about 10 months -- it's not a full year yet, but it's nearly there, enough that very significant dates have already visited you, or they are on the horizon. And the impending holidays, when the gathering of loved ones is anticipated is added to the pot, it only adds more tinder to the fire. So all of these things kind of play in the back of your mind, or even the front of your mind as reminders -- hard, cold reminders -- how you'll be without her at those important times, dates...during the whole first year, I think there's a certain ominous dread of all the visitations of those dates for the first time without your beloved. And that's why the year passing is at least some kind of hurdle, because after that, there are no more "first times" of any important date without that person. And yes, the "what now??" and sense of continuing to painfully plod along doesn't stop there, but at least these greatly anticipated days that you can't go under or over but only through, for the first time feeling alone in them, will be survived.

 

I think 10 months is when it all starts to feel like a year of this sadness and pain, not just a smattering of months. I becomes more like a condensed rock and so it's quite imposing and solid. And it feels like for all that weight, at least you might be released a bit from the pressure, but right now I think it actually intensifies a bit: in another two months, which will go by quite fast, the most traumatic date will be upon you since her death. So I think that's playing a part here. These next 2 months are more like preparatory months for that very hard day, and are now months of recalling the life just before you lost her more than any other, I believe.

 

Keep reminding yourself that every single day is in fact just that: a day. Another day. And that while the marking points are quite meaningful, in terms of the way life unfolds, there is only slow transition; there is no "stop/start" button after a day or date, there is no "pause" button (nor in fact fast-forward or rewind, as much as that's where we all go for some sort of sense of comfort) -- there is just "play." And that, to me, is it's own peculiar little comfort.

 

But I feel the sadness so much about those presents gathering dust, and how that must make you feel -- if it tears me up to think of it, I can only imagine what it's doing to you, dear Dags. And I do wonder if there is ANY way what Allie suggests might be possible? I suppose if you don't know where he lives and as you've mentioned, there has been such a complete state of no contact established, this might be quite a long shot, huh?

 

If it is, do you think there's some way you could find a way to make sure a young boy gets them anyway? Some child in need, perhaps through whatever charitable agency you can find, you might be able to specify that you would like it to go to a boy of his age (you might mention the gifts are suitable only for a boy and that they are age-appropriate to him, and that this is of personal symbolic significance to you -- and could they honor this request?) We have calls in the newspaper for donations from folks, and they often feature a story of a family in need and state the ages of the children. So even if you aren't giving it to him, you are giving it to a child that needs love and more than his family can provide, and so some child will be happy from these gifts. And then think of it as a "collective" happiness, a wish for all children who are lacking the best to have more in their lives.

 

I'm so sorry this hurts so much...and for whatever it's worth...you would make a most wonderful and giving and perfect father, Dags.

 

I'm holding you in my heart, and on that day.

 

(((Hugs)))

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raining.stars Rookie

raining.stars

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Ten months, ten months of this pain and it doesn't get any easier, it still hurting me to my very core.

 

Hugs and love to you Dags.

It is just 10 months for me too yesterday. I was also looking at a few of our things and I felt the same pain I did when it all happened and I felt so much that this pain is too much for me to bear. It feels like this should be over already, like the torture of missing my love is just too much.

 

I feel for you Dags, the loss of your love and your son. I am hoping one day you will be reunited with him.

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wtm78 Community Regular

wtm78

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Dagless,

 

i am sorry for your loss. she must have been very important to you and that you love her dearly. the pain that you are going through right now... it must have been hellish.. and obviously lossing someone of that importance hurts.. and it will continue to hurt until it hurts no longer... no amount of time can be predicted for grief to follow... ten months is not a long time, never was it an easy time for you... i wish to tell you tomorrow is going to be alright.. things are going to get better.. but i know that deep within you already know..

 

it hurts brother.. it will hurt... i am sorry that it hurts so much... you gonna hang in there alright buddy?.. hang in there...

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Dagless Enthusiast

Dagless

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I was not aware that she had a son. Forgive me if I am stating the obvious, but is there any way you could made arrangements to see him if only to give him his gifts?

 

It's not something I have talked a lot about, I have only mentioned it briefly before. That bridge is well and truly burned and for good reason. Back there is only more pain for me and the kid and I could never put him or my family through that. Maybe if I told you the whole truth you would understand but I'm not sure I could ever talk about it now. I can never go back.

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KG Mentor

KG

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Dags,

You go where your heart says go.

 

I know it's tough...there is no remedy. If there were, we'd be rich. But we have something even more priceless...the memories that drive us insane sometimes, but that we hold onto like gold.

That it should be so contradictory amazes me....

Hold on, brother, you will pull through.

Yours,

KG

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Dagless Enthusiast

Dagless

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I did something today which I talked about in my How must I seem to others? thread. I spoke to my friend/boss about how I was feeling about things and what today was. She could tell that I wasn't myself yesterday so it made it earlier to talk about, I also talked about how I felt about moving on and how I thought that maybe people though that I was doing better than I actually was.

 

I felt good to get a lot of it out in the open and she was so supportive and understanding too. I did feel a lot lighter after we talked.

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Dagless Enthusiast

Dagless

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I talked even more about things today and it feels so liberating. I found out that people worry about me more than I knew. Although I think people don't need to worry about me just understand what I'm going through and how I feel about stuff.

 

It's good to talk.

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TechResQ Contributor

TechResQ

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I talked even more about things today and it feels so liberating. I found out that people worry about me more than I knew. Although I think people don't need to worry about me just understand what I'm going through and how I feel about stuff.

 

It's good to talk.

 

People care about you, that's why they worry. You are worth caring about.

 

(((HUGS)))

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TechResQ Contributor

TechResQ

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Aaaahh thank you, that's so sweet of you.

 

(((hugs))) right back at you.

 

Seriously, I only speak the truth. You have such a sweet and kind demeanor and when bad things happen to people like you, the ones who care about you only want to be there for you to help in any way they can.

 

I think it is great that you are opening up about your feelings with the people you see on a daily basis. It's a very healing thing to do and it helps them to understand you as well.

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