JadedStar Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Aww sweetness, sorry you are feeling so down and sad. LDR's are hard on people...they take a lot of patience and tenacity that not eveyrone has to give or if they do they just can't do it longterm. Hang in there kiddo. If the distance was really causing so many problems this might be for the best even tho it hurts like hell. Please let me know if you ever need an ear.... Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 oh also.. why doesnt he think he will ever be ready to relocate? or he didnt give a reason? Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 I don't know, I don't know, I don't know......... i don't know what to do... my anxiety is going through the roof... he says he can picture us long-term together, but if he's not willing to consider me moving out there... I just... don't know I don't know what to do with myself Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I don't know, I don't know, I don't know......... i don't know what to do... my anxiety is going through the roof... he says he can picture us long-term together, but if he's not willing to consider me moving out there... I just... don't know I don't know what to do with myself Take a lot of deep breaths, thru the nose and out thru the mouth. Calm yourself. Then try to do something else other than think about this right now. You won't find an answer in the next few hours so try to keep your mind on smoething else if you can. Go out with a friend or do something you enjoy. Try to practice the art of distraction for now. There will be plenty of time to figure it all out but right now you are anxious and stressing and it will continue to escalate if you don't do some stress relieving activities like some deep breathing and distraction. Hang in there. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 I've texted every one of my friends and no one has gotten back to me... I have nothing whatsoever to distract myself. Just me and my thoughts. He hasn't sent me ONE text all day... apparently he's doing better than I am... I know we said we'd take a break but I really thought he'd crack first. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 just b/c he didnt text doesnt me he is doing better. it could just be pride. remember.. you said u both are very dependant on each other and stuff and stay in contact usually. he's bound to miss that routine. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 also.. lately when i had a "relationship" prob going on.. watching a dvd and relaxing helped me. specially since i dont have many friends i can go and vent to lol. im sure before u know it they'll have gotten back to u. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 I've texted every one of my friends and no one has gotten back to me... I have nothing whatsoever to distract myself. Just me and my thoughts. He hasn't sent me ONE text all day... apparently he's doing better than I am... I know we said we'd take a break but I really thought he'd crack first. Ah but here is the problem with this mindset. Everyone reacts to stress differently. Some people are cave dwellers in the area of emotion and when they are hurt they withdrawal and the way of coping is to avoid the person that hurt them. it is very possible this is what he is doing and the avoidance is NOT proof of him not hurting a great deal. A lot of men, and even some women, handle conflict inwardly. You are like me, you handle it outwardly and you don't like not finding closure to a conversation or fixing the issue so you get anxious and stress out trying to get it all together. Just realize that his coping mechanism is different and trust me, if you give him a lot of space if there is hope of fixing this it will happen much quicker. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 i mean, we talk a LOT... calls me on his way to work in the morning and we either text or IM all day while he's at work... then, text while I'm in class... talk when I get out and talk at night.... Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 2836897]i mean, we talk a LOT... calls me on his way to work in the morning and we either text or IM all day while he's at work... then, text while I'm in class... talk when I get out and talk at night.... My SO and I talk a LOT too, but during times of conflict he withdrawals. In the beginning that flipped me out but as i began to realize this was his coping mechanism i began to give him a lot of space and ironically the conflict duration grew shorter and shorter over time and he needed far less space. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 Ah but here is the problem with this mindset. Everyone reacts to stress differently. Some people are cave dwellers in the area of emotion and when they are hurt they withdrawal and the way of coping is to avoid the person that hurt them. it is very possible this is what he is doing and the avoidance is NOT proof of him not hurting a great deal. A lot of men, and even some women, handle conflict inwardly. You are like me, you handle it outwardly and you don't like not finding closure to a conversation or fixing the issue so you get anxious and stress out trying to get it all together. Just realize that his coping mechanism is different and trust me, if you give him a lot of space if there is hope of fixing this it will happen much quicker. that's how he is, as you say--cave dweller... NEVER talks about emotions or how he's feeling. he's always been like that so I don't know why I'm all of a sudden hoping for something else today. gahhh. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 My SO and I talk a LOT too, but during times of conflict he withdrawals. In the beginning that flipped me out but as i began to realize this was his coping mechanism i began to give him a lot of space and ironically the conflict duration grew shorter and shorter over time and he needed far less space. yeah, that makes perfect sense... I'm just not good at waiting...I'm VERY impatient. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 yeah, that makes perfect sense... I'm just not good at waiting...I'm VERY impatient. Hmm. Really? LOL kidding. It'll work itself out and now is a good time to practice constraint. It gets easier as the hours go by. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 actually, it's gotten harder... I was fine earlier today... now i'm freaking out. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 Ah but here is the problem with this mindset. Everyone reacts to stress differently. Some people are cave dwellers in the area of emotion and when they are hurt they withdrawal and the way of coping is to avoid the person that hurt them. it is very possible this is what he is doing and the avoidance is NOT proof of him not hurting a great deal. A lot of men, and even some women, handle conflict inwardly. You are like me, you handle it outwardly and you don't like not finding closure to a conversation or fixing the issue so you get anxious and stress out trying to get it all together. Just realize that his coping mechanism is different and trust me, if you give him a lot of space if there is hope of fixing this it will happen much quicker. good post. i am like u too from what u discribe.. i need closure so i dont feel so anxious.. i mean sure i can distract myself but for instance as soon as i get off work and am alone.. damn.. it sucks again. for me i also dont really get how people can just "go into their cave" and see 200% OKAY with not even speaking to me.. seriously. ](*,) i know it's their way.. i'm just saying i think i would need to be in their shoes to really truly GET IT. the only time i can fully retract and NC. btw,, cairo.. when where u guys next supposed to visit before all this? Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 next visit is up in the air--we're both broke Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted October 28, 2008 Share Posted October 28, 2008 yeah, that makes perfect sense... I'm just not good at waiting...I'm VERY impatient. I'm very impatient too Jenny, and I freak out easily too. I wish I could say something to help. Know that while you feel this bad, he must be missing you too. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 28, 2008 Author Share Posted October 28, 2008 I'm very impatient too Jenny, and I freak out easily too. I wish I could say something to help. Know that while you feel this bad, he must be missing you too. thanks... I hope so... just signed onto my instant messenger and his status is "about f****** time". hmm. Link to comment
redrose85 Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 That's not a good status. I dunno Jen, you deserve the best of the best, and any boyfriend should be jumping at the chance to be geographically close to you. Who actually LIKES a long distance relationship? Red flags all around. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 29, 2008 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 I know, I just can't understand why he would want to STAY long distance...unless he was just after friendship. Now, his status is " Now that I think about it, I think the other one is from a few days ago... Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Jenny...have you been up all night long? Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 Hi Cairo, Sorry to hear about the break, but I do think it seems lik it's for the best at the moment. I actually agree very much with TOV, and BeStrongBeHappy posts about your bf and possibly his pov on the relationship. I know you're going stir crazy with the silence right now(I handle conflict the same way--super impatient)but I have managed to get better with that by focusing my thoughts on more specific tasks..narrowing my thoughts, so to speak. Essentially, maybe you should try focusing less on the actual 'missing' him and think more about what exactly you want to say to him when you do speak again. Where do you want to pick up? Shooting the breeze about the weather and other irrelevant stuff will be kinda pointless, because there is such a bigger matter at hand you know? If some of the points TOV and BSBH have mentioned, really bother you, I would suggest going back over their posts, and using those questions as starting points to the future convo you have with him....you don't want to get caught up in just being so excited to hear from again, and having meaningless communication. There are some BIG issues here that need addressing SOONER rather then later, imo. Link to comment
jengh Posted October 30, 2008 Author Share Posted October 30, 2008 thanks sabreen. i agree about there being major issues that need to be worked out before things can continue on. I don't know... we didn't talk AT ALL yesterday (I slipped up and texted him Monday night). I was kinda hoping he'd be the one to slip up. I'm feeling a little bit better today... Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Glad to hear it Jen. Stay strong hon. Link to comment
McLovin oo7 Posted October 30, 2008 Share Posted October 30, 2008 Man, it was a long read. Jenny, did you think about what you are going to do in this relationship? Do you have a POA or you just wanna go with the flow or wherever he takes you or just maintain the status quo? I think you are going thru a phase of relationship when you ask questions about everything. Considering the LDR and how he is behaving, may be it is the right time to find some answers. Stay strong and good luck!!! Link to comment
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