Is NC meant to work for every type of situation?

[HeartBrokn]

I am still a little confused on the whole NC concept. I realize that in any relationship, regardless if people admit it or not there has to be a certain equilibrium of power in a relationship. If one person seems too desperate then the other person will take advantage of that.

 

However, when you are dating and not really committed to the person you are dating then NC is a great way to test the waters.

 

The part I don't get is that concept supposed to be applied to a long term relationship or a marriage. It seems like NC is sort of a game that is played between a couple that is still testing the waters. I am just not sure that this concept works very well in an already established long term relationship.

 

Now I can be totally wrong. Even with my situation that I am currently going through I feel that my wife has sort of fallen out of love with things I have become and not the things she fell in love with me in the past. I guess a part of the whole NC can benefit because I can change to the person she loved before. Thoughts?

[yeahwhatever]

Depends on what you do NC for???? I did it at first to get my ex back (wrong reason) and from our conversation Friday, I broke NC and it seems to have pushed her away. BUt NC was for me the entire time, NOT to get her back. I have healed some, but just not quite there yet and calling her set me back some.

 

NC works but you have to be strong as it works.

[waveseer]

I can identify so much with wanting to be the person that was loved before. I have to defer to others more experienced than myself in nc on your question.

[HeartBrokn]

To slightly complicate the issue is that a problem of taking your spouse or significant other for granted throughout the relationship and her/him leaving because they have had enough is an issue that has to be resolved in a different way. I am just a little confused because 10 years ago when I was single I used NC for a few relationships that I was in. It definitely had benefits because it got my life back together I just don't see it working in my current situation.

[doyathink]

The only reason I would use NC would be because I don't want him back, and don't want to talk to him. If I was interested in repairing the relationship, I would have some form of contact still. You can't rebuild if you ignore each other.

[Hopelives]

NC is for healing you, not a manipulative way to get something that is gone, back.

 

I understand what you are saying, however. If the person with whom you're split up with is the one you took for granted, then isn't NC the exact opposite of what would be needed... I get that. I get that you don't want to take her for granted but in doing so beforehand, you were probably more silent and carefree which would be akin to NC now... am I getting this sort of close?

 

My ex, I believe, took me for granted... I've also been NC for about 4 months or so now...

 

He's likewise been NC. I have not heard from him since late July... If he called today, and said, "Hey, Hope! How are you? Gosh, I've missed you..." NC would be done... Would that one phone call get us back together? No.

 

I'd want to know how things were going to be different, how things were going to be handled so that when my needs/wants were brought up, he didn't scurry to the underbrush of an excuse.

 

BTW - we never fought, even the day we split up. It was always fun, soothing, hilarious, passionate, warm, friendly... and yet, 4 months NC...

[HeartBrokn]

Yeah I guess I misunderstood what NC was all about. I just don't get why it's so highly emphasized in the getting back together thread. Since I am a new poster and trying to get some advice and at the same time trying to learn from other people NC is talked about almost exclusively in every post. Are there any other tools of getting back together?

[doyathink]

who broke up with who? NC can be confusing I think. It's ultimately used for you to heal, and move on with your life. Some ppl have gotten their ex back when they cut all contact....and I think thats mainly bc absense makes the heart grows fonder. Sometimes. But once they're back together..does it work?

[Hopelives]

I think the part that gets misplaced is NC in this forum but that's where it is so...

 

To many on here, NC is the means to an end - getting their ex back. They go into NC with that in mind ... and for some it works in the short term, for others not so much.

 

I believe that those who do NC for THEMSELVES come out the winner no matter what happens. If the ex and he/she patch things up and move on together, great - then NC will have played a part in both of them realizing they loved what they had together. If the ex and he/she do NOT patch things up, then both have had distance to heal... not necessarily "move on" (which I personally find one of the most offensive things people can say to another).

 

NC - or put another way:

 

Silence.

 

Which is dignified, respectful, and ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

heard.

 

NC also sucks. I miss everything about my ex bf. And I mean everything. From the way he laughed at his own jokes, to the way his dimples quivered when he got excited, to the way his eyes twinkled when he was being/or thinking naughtie. I miss his stories of the day, his view points on almost everything... I miss him.

 

BUT through NC I've been able to hold to my own self esteem and hold true to what I wanted in order to make a healthy relationship work. For me, NC has been a way to heal.

 

After 4 months, I'd probably fall over dead if he called.

[John Bendix]

who broke up with who? NC can be confusing I think. It's ultimately used for you to heal, and move on with your life. Some ppl have gotten their ex back when they cut all contact....and I think thats mainly bc absense makes the heart grows fonder. Sometimes. But once they're back together..does it work?

 

Great point.

 

If the person has come back becuase of N/C, the issues that caused the split up have not been dealt with at all. They are still there and bound to cause problems again and again.

 

As for "absense makes the heart....", there is also, "Out of sight, out of mind", to contradict that......

[doyathink]

Great point.

 

If the person has come back becuase of N/C, the issues that caused the split up have not been dealt with at all. They are still there and bound to cause problems again and again.

 

As for "absense makes the heart....", there is also, "Out of sight, out of mind", to contradict that......

 

NC has certainly not made my heart grow fonder. It's definitely out of sight, out of mind. lol

[yeahwhatever]

The old absense makes the heart grow fonder against out of sight out of mind. That alone is enough to drive you crazy. Well depending on which one you want.

[doyathink]

Yeah, I lied. He's not totally out of mind..........yet. I'm sure he never will be 100%

[yeahwhatever]

Yeah, I lied. He's not totally out of mind..........yet. I'm sure he never will be 100%

I knew that!!! No shame in it at all either. I know the feeling. You tried so hard to be convincing though.

[babes23]

I think the best option is to do what's best for you, afterall the relationships broke down for a reason didn't it? In my situation we ended up getting back together after a few weeks or so, think the longest was around a month. Obviously me getting back in contact didn't solve anything as the problem arose time and time again. Didn't give it enough time to really see if he genuinely wanted me or not. I'm determined to do the full contact now, not hoping that it'll get us back together, i don't hope anymore as hoping gets me nowhere. I'm doing this for me x

[Notreadyet87]

I personally rarely use NC. The ONLY time I used it was when I decided to MOVE ON from a relationship that was somewhat serious but NOT long term. In other words at that point in time, I was ready to date and meet other people but had a hard time continuing to talk to him while getting out there, and thus I cut off contact. I never wanted to be back with him or make it work.

What I've found is that for LONG term relationships or VERY serious relationships, NC may be counter productive. If it's done too long it can often seem as if you are avoiding the problem, or as if you are "giving in" and that you don't want to fight to save the relationship. I think that after a fresh break up, it is a good idea to give a person space(5 days-two weeks) however anything longer than that is an issue to me, because you broke up for a REASON, and unless this reason is addressed by both people, NOT avoided, then I fail to see how after a few months of not contacting each other will all the sudden make the problem go away.

NC can be useful if YOU are the problem in the relationship. Because sometimes we need time to ourselves in order to heal and change. However if the problem was deeper than you and was something that AFFECTED both people, then it needs to be addressed not ignored or avoided.

It also really depends on if the person has moved on or not. If a person is already dating someone, then trying to fight for a relationship that really is "no longer" isn't a good idea--just go NC.

Trying to fight for someone who has made it ABSOLUTELY clear that they want to be friends only--is also a reason to go NC.

But if the break up was largely due to an issue that BOTH people must work to fix, and both people are WILLING to, then I think that LC is a better approach.

A lot of people on here want to salvage their relationship, even in cases where it's very obvious that the other person does NOT want to. In these cases it is best to do NC.

Which is why I believe it's highly recommended on this site. Let's face it, most break ups are because another person isn't interested in being in the relationship anymore, and a majority of the time that person does NOT want to try to make it work again.

If your case involves someone who is WILLING to try to work it out, then LC is what I would do.

And in my case, it is what I did. We broke up. However after giving him some space for a few days, I attempted contact. He wanted the contact, and he is willing to have some sort of contact to work it out. Thus we are on LC right now. It is better for our situation. NC would have been a terrible solution to my situation.

I really believe that the BEST approach depends on the situation. And only YOU know what will work.

[HeartBrokn]

who broke up with who? NC can be confusing I think. It's ultimately used for you to heal, and move on with your life. Some ppl have gotten their ex back when they cut all contact....and I think thats mainly bc absense makes the heart grows fonder. Sometimes. But once they're back together..does it work?

 

 

Well, she hasn't broken up with me yet. I am deployed now and we are sort of in a limbo until I return. It seems like she is leaning towards ending the relationship with me. I guess I sort of understand the concept of NC to help people move on with their lives, but I can see that it touches on basic human psychology of playing hard to get, presenting yourself in a assured confident state, and overall sending a message that you don't need them as much as they think you do.

 

I thought wow I am married, I don't have to play mind games anymore boy was I wrong.

 

Doyathink I think you are right about the heart growing fonder and if you don't hit the issues it will go back to the same results.

[HeartBrokn]

babes23 I think what you said about doing whats best for me is right I just have to figure it out. I know when My wife and I dated 10 years ago we had moments of playing hard to get. I just don't know if thats something appropriate at our stage of life especially having kids between us.

 

Notreadyet87 Good thoughts on the NC, I sort of look at it the same way from my limited knowledge of the NC. I have sort of made problems much worse in my relationship because I would ignore my wife and I think if I was to go to NC she would outright run for the hills.

 

Good points to ponder, as you can see I am kind of a newbie with the whole NC and also the whole forums media. I tried to multiquote and it did not work.

[jasper01]

When you have that kind of connection it really is different. In that case NC is appropriate when someone has said they want to end the relationship but not before. If they are saying they are unsure, well then you become unsure. You just need to equalize things. Always give slightly less.

 

But I understand what you mean, you feel like the games should be over. Maybe in a perfect world that would be true, but while we have human nature to contend with, if you want to be attractive to your partner you need to be just slightly devious.

[doyathink]

If you're still married, and don't want to leave her....Don't use NC. For real! lol

Stay in contact, work through the problems....

[HeartBrokn]

When you have that kind of connection it really is different. In that case NC is appropriate when someone has said they want to end the relationship but not before. If they are saying they are unsure, well then you become unsure. You just need to equalize things. Always give slightly less.

 

But I understand what you mean, you feel like the games should be over. Maybe in a perfect world that would be true, but while we have human nature to contend with, if you want to be attractive to your partner you need to be just slightly devious.

 

lol I love it... Slightly devious

[greensleeves]

I read your other thread and I think that your situation is very different than many that you might see on this board. It isn't a typical "she/he dumped me, I'm heartbroken, should I do NC." I can only imagine the stress of you being deployed to Afghanistan has put on both you and your wife and it's bound to cause problems in even the strongest of marriages. You have two children and I think that you and your wife need to be realistic in recognizing that your problems might be largely due to outside circumstances that you have no control over right now. I don't recommend NC at all...I think that communication is the key to saving your marriage.

 

Are there counsellors available to help your wife deal with the stress of raising her children on her own, with the constant added worry that her husband is in danger 24 hours a day? I'm sure it's not uncommon for women in her situation to feel that they just can't go on with their marriages as they are and to look to others for support and comfort. I would hope that your government provides some sort of support for these women and for the women and men who are deployed and facing similar situations as you are. I imagine that when you do get to go home for a visit, you probably feel like a stranger in your own home....they have a routine and a way of getting through each day, and then all of a sudden, there you are. I think that it could get fairly tense and it's probably difficult for all of you.

 

If you truly want to work on this marriage, tell her how important she and your children are to you. Acknowledge her feelings and that it's been difficult for her and let her know that you're willing to do whatever it takes to get things back to the way they were. Will there be a time soon when you're able to go home for good?

[HeartBrokn]

Greensleeves the weird thing about my situation is how it all went down. First I want to talk about some variables that were not there until I left. One she has been feeling sort of down from work and is taking medication for depression. She got on these maybe about a month prior to me leaving and then the second variable is the fact that I deployed. I am not sure what role these two play.

 

I never in my life expected this to happen. I know we have had problems in our marriage and it was tough to say the least, but for her to suddendly say yeah I am not connected to you and I have never really felt that connection is very odd to me. Another thing she really does not recognize is that outside factors can really mess things up a relationship like it has in our relationship.

 

Another thing that is definitly not helping is that she says she is having feelings for a guy at work. She claims nothing has happened between them, but she says she like him and that if she was to go with him she would have a connection with him. Wow it sounds like a case of crazies. I guess she is down in life so a little attention from a new, fresh and funny guy can take all her problems away.

 

I really feel like I am in an episode of Twillight Zone, very shocking.

 

And the whole thing about marriage counseling is a great idea, but she is not really committed to that either. She says she doesn't want to promise anything.

[greensleeves]

Do you think she would consider individual counseling? I'd think these aren't uncommon issues for spouses of people in the Air Force or Army...do you know if they have any type of counseling in place for spouses?

 

I can see how it would be very easy for her to feel disconnected from you. You're on the other side of the world, probably unable to have alot of contact. She's left at home with the task of keeping it together for the kids and the drudgery of the day to day stuff, plus working full time and never a break from it. I guess broken families is another casualty of war. I have to say, I have no respect for the guy at her workplace who's taking full advantage of the situation...you're serving your country and it sounds like he's trying to steal your wife. What a scumbag. I wonder if she's every looked at it from that perspective.

 

I'm really very sorry that this is happening to you....it really isn't fair at all.

[HeartBrokn]

Greensleeves thank you and it's very nice to say those kind words. I am not really sure if he knows about me, he probably has an idea that she is married but my wife told me she doesn't mention me or talk about me. I guess it would ruin their mood but yeah I really don't know what is going on with that. All I know is that when I come back home I will try my best to fix our relationship, I will push to go see a marriage counselor. I know that most relationships can be worked out including ours, I just have to hope for the best.