first loves... do they ever get back together after break up?

[jib]

hey guys..

im going through the same thing. late last month (oct) my now.. ex ended it. it was completely out of no where and he said that he stil loved me. we were together for a bit over two years. he was my first love. it hurts every second i dont know what to do now. our relationship made us both so strong, and changed who we were before, made us into better people. we grew together and our love matured as well. i feel like im living a nightmare and even when im sleeping i feel the pain. i dont know what to do. it hurts every second, when i try to forget, my thoughts get muddled up and i end up having to blink back the tears. when it happened, i cried and cried for around two weeks. and went through hella lot but i wont mention it here.. i dont even know the true reasons to why this is happening, is this a curse or something? i DONT know and if i ask him to tell me he wont,i wished he would tell me why, talk to me by face and explain to me. thats the least he could do, we were together for so long. i didnt plan on making anyone my everything. it just happened.. i fell so deeply, during our second year we had a few stumbles but it made us so much stronger. we loved each other so much. planned out our forever.. how do you cope when everything you knew, was gone. i never thought this would happen, so i was never prepared. i never thought he would have done this its like hes a changed person, and the person i loved so dearly just disappeared. i dont know what to do..

its been a few weeks but the pain is still so raw. i will have my days where i would be strong then the next, breaking down. almost.. to the point where i would like this pain to stop right then and there. i never thought i would be his 'ex' and to say it now hurts even more and i just. i dont know anymore. i dont know what i am supposed to learn out of this..

but yeah.

everything happens for a reason.

no matter how bad the situation you're in. in the end you will find out why..

 

first love's are so hard, i dont know how im going to cope. and it feels like i cant escape it.

 

i do believe first loves can last, if the love you had was that strong. then within time, love will find its way back.

[Tlynn]

Ok so it has been a little over a month since my boyfriend broke up with me. We broke up Oct. 28 and it is now Dec. 9.....and I don't know how to live without him. I could not believe how similar my situation is to you Kateann86 and jib....I wish I could just talk to you both right now. We have been dating since senior year in highschool, and this year would have been our fifth year together. Right now we are both 22, young, I know.....but honestly I know he is the one. We never fought, we had complete trust, and were so inlove....and still are. Honestly, I thought our relationship was almost perfect. He is the perfect guy....for me atleast. I know there are other guys out there but I know that I want to spend my life with him. I know I am somewhat young but I know he is my true love....my soulmate...we are meant for each other. Anyways.....I am finishing up my last year in college so we have been long distance for the majority of our relationship (except when I'm home on breaks, and the summer). When I was home I would basically live at his house....we always stayed together, we did everything together. We have the same close group of friends. So anyways, one day, OUT OF NOWHERE....he sent me a text message saying that our relationship is to the point where he needs to figure out if it's for the "long haul"....yes he said those stupid words. He then went on to say "you are the only life i know, i have never experiences anything else...part of me is ready to stay with you forever but there is a part of me that isnt sure." He said he doesn't want anyone else but me but says he feels like he's not fully experiencing his youth and that he wants to experience new things outside of the little world we live in. To a point I understand this, but we live in a small town. There's not much to do or experience outside of that small town life. He went on to say he loves me so much and that he doesn't see himself with anyone else but can't fully commit to me without knowing it's right.....so anyways this was all through texts during the day when I was in classes and I had to go into work shortly after and did not talk to him until later that night on the phone.....which is when my entire life fell apart. He said the same stuff, and he said said he hates hurting me more than anything and could never see himself fall out of love with me but he has to live his life for himself right now. He cried to me on the phone, and out of the 5 years with him I've never seen him cry, or hear him cry. He said he was selfish and that he was so ashamed to have such thoughts and that he was sorry....which is exactly how I felt...that he was selfish. He said the distance was too hard but we have been doing it for the last 4 years which is why I feel like he is selfish and just pretty much gave up on our relationship. At first he called it a break, but now were broken up...I know these words can mean a lot of different things...especially to girls. So anyways he says that he never wanted to break up with me and that were not "over", and that when I come home from college for good...which will be in May when I graduate that we will see where things go from there. I have saved almost every text he has written me and I keep re-reading them trying to analyze them and what not. I read all his old letters and cards, and look at all our pictures together. I know this is unhealthy...I am so emotionally and mentally unstable right now it's crazy. I've lost just over 10 pounds...which is crazy because I love to eat and now my stomach just feels sick all the time. There hasn't been one night I haven't cried myself to sleep...and some nights I don't sleep....like tonight...it's 5:47am here now. I don't know what to do for the months to come since he says that were not over and that he has hopes for a future together. My friends tell me not to talk to him but I don't want him to fall out of love with me. I'm about to go home for over a month now for winter break and I have no idea what to expect. I want to hang out with him, but I don't want to nag him through texts or anything. More than anything I want to hug and kiss him and just be with him. I never thought this day would come...I thought first loves can workout...we still love each other and we both would like things to workout in the end....I guess I just don't know what to do in the meantime. Time may heal pain, but I can't be healed when I am counting on a future with him...I can't just get over him. Honestly I am driving myself crazy with this depression and this entire situation. I really need some help with everything. I miss him so much and love him with all my heart. I would do anything to be with him......

[justletgo07]

First, my heart goes out to all of you who are wishing and hoping that the person you love will come back to you. I'm definitely right there with you, and while it is getting a bit easier every day (a little over 2 months broken up, 23 days NC), my heart still breaks everytime I think that this is really it...that she's not going to change her mind...that she's never coming back and is happier without me. I'm 23 and she's 22, and we dated for about 2.5 years. Got a similar "I don't feel the same way about you anymore. I love you more like family" line.

 

One of the things I frequently hear dumpees say is that everything in their relationship was PERFECT, their ex is PERFECT, that they NEVER FOUGHT, and NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS OF ANY KIND. To me, it seems that one of two things is happening, either 1) You weren't as close as you think you were, or 2) You're only looking at the good things because you are hurt. No relationship is perfect and arguing and fighting, while sometimes unpleasant, is an important part of intimacy and allows you to become closer to the person you're with.

 

My relationship with my ex-gf had all sorts of problems, mostly small ones, but had lots of ups and downs and arguments. We both had all sorts of insecurities we dealt with. We were both insensitive at times, said hurtful things to one another, and let each other down. But you know what? It was the most REAL relationship I've ever been in. Trying to maintain a PERFECT RELATIONSHIP can actually make it fall apart. It makes things too inflexible, and relationships need to be able to shift and change as the people in it change.

 

To those of you broken hearted over the loss of your first love, I'd like to offer you a shred of hope. While you may not get back together with your first love, it will nonetheless change you forever, and make you capable of loving more deeply than you ever have before. Really take a long, hard look at your relationship and try to learn everything you can from it. Obviously, although in your eyes the relationship was flawless, and your ex breaking up with you was a surprise, there were clearly some problems, if nothing more than your ex didn't feel they were able to talk to you about how they were feeling until it was too late. You will love again, and I am telling you from experience, YOU WILL LOVE MORE! My latest ex was technically my 3rd love, but the feelings were so much deeper and stronger that she really, truly felt like my first love.

 

Also, one last thing...YOU DON'T NEED HIM/HER! You need food, water, sleep, and shelter. No one NEEDS a romantic relationship. You were happy before you met them, and you'll be happy again. Try to shift your thinking to that having them is only a PREFERENCE. You'll immediately begin to feel better. The fact that you feel like you need them is proof you have put them up on a pedastal, and honestly, that may have been why they left. People typically aren't attracted to people that think they are better than they think they are themselves. Most people are fairly insecure, and if you think they are absolutely spectacular and perfect, they typically think you are crazy. Most people are attracted to people who know that there are lots and lots of attractive people out there that would be happy to date them, but despite that, they chose you! Just something to think about!

[Bronze Babe]

Jib, wow it felt like reading my own thoughts when I read what you wrote about your first love. I noticed a lot of people on here saying that they would be strong and that they would try to move on, even though it hurts.

 

Like Tlynn, though, I know I cannot do that, not ever. I'm definitely in a point of refusal and I will not under any circumstances let it go.

 

How do people do NC?! Don't you want to go and get the person you love and talk to them and help them to understand who you really are? When I read advice like, "Do other stuff, hang with your friends, he's not good enough for you, just move on, get over it, you don't need him, you will find someone else, etc" it just makes me laugh to myself and think, "Well, you just were never in love for real in the first place, then." Because it's been long enough for me. My man left me on October 2 or 3 after almost 4 years of passionate, intense, crazy love. It's been over 2 months now, (wow it KILLS ME TO ADMIT THAT!) and I feel just as bad as I did the MOMENT I heard, "I'm breaking up with you." I feel like I'm dreaming too, and it hurts when I dream, it hurts even more when I'm awake, and yes, I too only sleep about 3 hours a night.

 

Thing is, I've already been through that dumb self-discovery phase. And what pisses me off even more, is that I did find out some things about myself, I did improve on my looks, I did at least pretend that I was happy and had tons of confidence when I was around him after the breakup. That stuff did not help my situation. It helped me feel less like a piece of crap, but dude, ya'll need to know that that is NOT enough. If you're really in love LIKE THAT, I know it's not enough, I know I'm not just trippin here. It's not enough to just be happy with yourself. So what? You should have been semi-happy with yourself in the first place, at least.

 

Why do people give advice like "focus on you," as if your own existence was a problem that you neede to deal with? Understandably, the person has broken up with you for a reason, and yes, most likely it had something to do with what you have done or not done. You can fix that in a matter of weeks, though, as long as you know what your issue is. I don't need day after day to learn how to be a cool girlfriend again. I get it already. Yeah, I wasn't doing it, but now I can. SO WHAT?! That gets you nowhere. So this whole "self-discovery" thing, sorry to say, sounds like empty, empty comfort. For all of that we might as well tell each other, "It'll be okay."

 

Because yes, you DO need to fix yourself and your problems, but honestly, YOU ARE NOT that screwed up that it will take you such a long time or that it really has anything to DO with getting back together with the person.

 

I think we're all here looking for advice when there's no advie to give. Only support. Only ears to listen, and eyes to read and fingers that type out a response. Because unless there's some magic formula or some secret way to win an ex back that we don't know, I think we all need to realize that if you're honestly in love, all the new activities and fun nights with friends in the WORLD are NOT going to help.

 

Sorry if I'm angry, but reality is just a little too harsh right now.

[justletgo07]

I think where people often get stuck is because they want to apply this rule to relationships: "The harder I work and the more effort I put in, the bigger the payoff will be." This works in pretty much every area of life, except relationships, especially relationships that have ended.

 

Our instincts tell us that if they don't want to be with us, then it is because we didn't work hard enough to show them who were are or how much we love them. While this is sometimes the case, typically when someone has made the decision to break up with you, those feelings of love are no longer there. So increasing your efforts to win them back and prove to them that you love them often has no effect, or makes them uncomfortable and has the opposite effect.

 

It sucks, and makes no sense, but sometimes the best thing you can do is to do nothing at all.

[Tlynn]

Bronzebabe....I really know what you're saying. I have surronded myself with my friends I have been trying to keep busy but really nothing matters, the pain is still here and real. I also agree about the whole BS of taking time to discover yourself because I know who I am. I am almost done with college, I know where my career is headed...that I will be a teacher someday. I know what I want in life, and most importantly I want my guy back. I've actually been so desperate latley that I went to my school's psychologist....she said a lot of the stuff I've already heard. But regardless, I can't accept the situation I'm in. It sucks to know that I would do anything to get him back, as desperate as I sound. It's so hard for me to take in because he is telling me were not over and that there are chances for us in the future, so I can't get over him. In a sense, i'm waiting for him. Some people may argue that I might be nieve to think he was perfect but he was perfect for me....and ofcourse we fought, had small arguments....who doesn't? He told me things were great and that he never even wanted to break up with me but said he could not fully commit to me without knowing it's right. And that he wants to experience new things, and see other people (not like dating or anything but just having freedom)....honestly I cannot handle that. I just can't help to hate him for being so selfish.....he says he's inlove with me and that will never change....but how can you do this to someone you love? Why not share your life with the person you love the most? I am so hurt just like most of you and just don't know how to keep it together....And it doesn't help that in a few days I will be going home for Xmas break and he is going to be around. I know I will see him at the bars....and he said he would even like to hang out a few times...I'm so * * * * ing confused and stressed.

[Tlynn]

p.s......bronzebabe do you have AIM?

[Bronze Babe]

Tlynn - GIRL! Did I just type that post or did you? lol. Because what you just wrote sounds EXXXACTLY like how I feel. My ex is the same way. He sincerely and genuinely loves me, and yet doesn't want to be with me.... ! ? What kind of sense does that even make? lol. But I do think that there are certain ways that you could look at the situation that will help you realize that it's not the worst possible thing that could happen. Sometimes when you're at the bottom, there is a fog in front of what's really real. I know it sounds like standard advice, but given the situation you've explained, I think it's true... you might be seeing things too frantically. I can explain... I don't have AIM I don't think, but I DO have Yahoo messenger. Do you have it? We can totally talk about how you feel about what's going on. I don't mind listening to long messages, I have time, and I know what it feels like. So if you want, lets chat. =) PM me.

[Tlynn]

i don't have yahoo messenger but i could download it....what's your name? do you have facebook lol b/c there is a chat on there.......it's nice to know there are people out there who feel the same way i do

[Bronze Babe]

I PMed you, Tlynn. =)

[msettel]

I do know of a couple of "first loves" who have gotten back together and are now happily married with kids after breaking up several times. Actually, all the couples I know who dated in high school and are now married broke up at least once. From what I've been told most people feel the need to "find themselves" when they have been in a relationship for such a long time from such a young age.

 

The hardest part is not knowing if this is my fate. I just (a month and a week ago) broke up with my first love. We too used to talk about building a house together, having kids, getting married. Now I feel so very lost and adrift, and I know that he is too (mutual friends say he has been drinking and motorcycling and "trying not to think"). Luckily the break up wasn't horrible (well, wasn't horrible as in no screaming or fighting and both of us still have our dignity intact, but actually was horrible in the sense that I still wonder at how I manage to even get up in the mornings) and he seems bound and determined to remain friends at least (when he doesn't hear from me for a few days, he calls, even if he doesn't have anything specific to say). Even so, at the moment he has no interest in trying to pick back up our relationship (he doesn't feel he's ready for one at the moment) and I've come to the hard realization that the only thing I can do is give him time and space (have been trying to go NC but not working so far) to figure himself out. Hopefully he eventually comes back my way but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

[brazilgirl21]

Guys, I'm on the SAME boat! Dated my ex from 18-21, he was 19-22. First relationship for both, only guy I've been with, first person who became part of my family and I became of his...

Tricky part is, if you guys read my post "I dumped him and want him back", I actually broke up with him 1 year ago for EXACTLY the same reasons your exes broke up with you. "I love you, but am not in love with you anymore, we probably will get back in the future because we are perfect for eachother, I need to find myself, I'm too young and my life revolves around you, I need time with my friends and bla bla bla".

 

Advices:

 

- I broke up LARGELY due to attraction/intimacy issues. I didn't feel like being with him alone and I avoided intimacy because I just wasn't into it anymore at all.

 

- I had the GIGS symdrome. I thought there would be somebody out there that would be "better" than my ex and whom I would ALWAYS feels attracted to, no matter if we've been together for 3 years.

 

- Although I'm a traditional romantic, the thought of only being with one guy in my whole life "scared" me a lot. I thought I could be missing out on "real" love, "real" passion.

 

- When I broke up with him, I did LOVE him, but I believed it was not - and never would be, in a passionate way.

 

- I did tell him I thought we would get back together in the future, or the "what would meant to be, would be", but deep down, I thought I would never get back together with him because I wasn't in love.

 

- Ultimately, I missed the butterflies, the feeling alive with the person's touch, counting the minutes, hours to see them... I was 21 and missed feeling "in love".

 

 

Interesting twist, fastforward to 4-6 months after the break-up, my ex finds someone else, we start to meet up and the more we see eachother the more I start feeling in love. The more I get butterflies, feeling alive, wanting his kiss more than anything, counting the minutes to see him... PLUS the whole connection, care and genuine love we shared. All I say is, yes, the dumper can, indeed, fall back in love, I'd say specially in first loves.

 

My ex ended up dumping the girl he was with (it was only 2-3 months) and we tried again. Due to his insecurities about how much I hurt him, my insecurities in relations to his other girl, my pressure, we didn't work out. I believe he is seeing the other girl again. I'm hurting. However, I guess if it's true love, he will come back. "People who are meant together always find their way back to eachother in the end".

 

If not, well, I will just have to move on. No matter how much it hurts.

[WomanWriter]

...I know what I want in life, and most importantly I want my guy back... He told me things were great and that he never even wanted to break up with me but said he could not fully commit to me without knowing it's right. And that he wants to experience new things, and see other people (not like dating or anything but just having freedom).... I just can't help to hate him for being so selfish.....he says he's inlove with me and that will never change....but how can you do this to someone you love? Why not share your life with the person you love the most? I am so hurt just like most of you and just don't know how to keep it together...QUOTE]

 

This really rings a bell for me! Why is this "finding yourself" bs SO common?! I've seen this excuse for breaking up even more than cheating, abuse, etc.

My fiance of seven years said the same thing, that he still loves me, still wants to marry me, but "has" to break up to experience new things and "find himself." Are those abstract "things" out there more important than US? I guess so if he feels such a need to go explore them. Also, what the heck are these guys (and gals) talking about? What is it they hope to find? Is this something that happens when people are about to graduate college? It does seem awfully selfish. Do they want to have sex with a bunch of people? What is it they "missed out" on? It's not like we can't have new experiences together, I'm not that boring!

 

Do you guys think these are just excuses? Why do SO MANY people say they want to find themselves? Is there anyone who actually left a relationship and found themselves? What did they FIND? That's what I'd like to know.

 

I sure feel your pain! Hang in there and don't give up your position.

[rayah]

it's good to hear others talk about their first loves...me and my first love [we're both 21, were together practically 2 yrs, been broken up for 6 months] have been friends during the whole break up. at first he was friends b/c he wanted to be the 'nice guy'. the first couple months of break up was so hard b/c we were still ACTING like a r-ship with the commitment. then comes the new girl. they have been talking for a couple months now. i never thought he would find someone else. oh yea, he broke up with me b/c he 'wanted to be single' which meant: i want to see what else is out there. it's funny b/c since the break up i have found out that i have bipolar personality disorder which was probably the reason why we broke up. through all of my issues he has been there. i didn't want him there but i needed him so i allowed for him to be there. so now i'm getting the help i need and feeling a lot better about myself. a week or so ago i hung out with this guy who tried to take advantage of me. i called my ex because i needed to talk to someone, and he got so mad about what happened, he messaged the guy and everything. in the past week or so, my ex and i have really been on really good terms. i mean actually since i found out that i have BPD [so about a month now] we have been clicking [and we both have agreed to this]. it's hard though, because i always think of the new girl however he always tells me she's insignificant. it's VDay and she's with him. we hung out all yesterday and i even stayed the night [we did NOT do anything] but he did hold me and i held him, which was nice. i just want to wait to see if we are really meant to be. b/c i understand him, like i'm his first girlfriend and the 2nd girl he's been physical with. i can totally understand how a man wants to see what else is out there. i appreciate his friendship and i care for him deeply. but i think that i'm going to do NC [after reading 5 posts i finally realized what that meant lol]. If it's meant to be, it will be. I cannot force him and I don't want to, actually. I want him to realize what he's missing out [if it is anything at all]. I have grown so much in the past 6 months and honestly i'm happy that this whole ordeal happened b/c now I know what to do in the future. i do feel like he's the one, but he may not be, so that's why i'm going to let God handle this. i used to think that if i tried to do NC then I would be rude, but it has nothing to do with that. i'm too good of a woman to have to settle. i know what i want but he doesn't. i can't be there to play his little game. oh p.s. yesterday out of nowhere [well let me give some bkgrd info: we had sex this week, by accident, the next day i asked why him and the new girl hasnt and he said that sex complicates things, which is true] so the next day we're hanging out and out of nowhere he says 'i dont think i want to have sex w/ [the new girl], actually i don't think i feel the same...maybe i shouldn't be telling you this' i don't know what that means. so does it mean that he's realizing that he wants me. probably not. i think this is the best time than ever to do NC. i'm not trying to play any games, but my heart is too beautiful to be hurt or abused by someone who doesn't know what they want. so i rather have no partake on the situation.