buba Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I was dating a guy for a few months....we grew really close. He was very affectionate, kind, loving, etc...... A few days ago he just did't show up as he promised and never called or explained why.....I left messages....no response of any kind. He started a new job and probably met someone there.... No idea. I am really bummed. It's another kick in the teeth. I really cared about him and we had great times together..... Not a word from him. I called him today and he even turned off his phone after he saw me calling..... I wish he explained to me.... Really depressed now. Feel like a falure. It saddens me deeply that people are capable of such behavior.... please, help....a few words of comfort will be greatly appreciated. Link to comment
i_win Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Yeah this is the worst. This happened to me after a 2 year relationship though and I haven't heard from them since. Left with so many unanswered questions and this is what kills you. My words of comforts are that this person isn't who you thought he was and is a COWARD and has no testicular mass and chose to cut and run instead of talk to you face to face or give you an explanation. Do you have his address? Maybe after the dust clears a little bit send him a simple letter and tell him you understand he's moved on, and you are too but just want to know why he vanished and ask him for the honest truth. You could do that if you are having trouble moving on. But if it were me I'd chalk him up as a coward and move on. For me it was just finally realizing that the only person that could do this to a friend and lover is someone that had a mental illness and isn't all there - emotionally wreckless. And after months of analyzing I finally started stringing some occurrences through our relationship and did in fact validate that there was something not right in her head.(Family history of bipolar to boot). Link to comment
buba Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 I send him a few text messages ...asking him to at least explain what happened.... I got no word from him. It hurts really bad. He told me he really missed me and was looking forward to seeing me....and never showed up. Link to comment
Nearwater Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Dear Buba, I am so sorry you are feeling down. Do take heart in that you were only in a few months. Right now it may not make you feel better, but in a few weeks your heart should feel light and happy again. All you need do is read a few posts from some of us that had this same experience, but after years and years together. That will make your head spin around. I won't go on about how I am feeling, read some of my posts, but if those eyes in your avatar are as deep as they seem, a wonderful man will fall into them and never want to come out... Feel better, sweet dreams Link to comment
OrangeMoon Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 yeah..there is truly something wrong with him.hope you will never run accross someone like that again. Mourn the loss of the one you thought he was...it was not him, that person died the minute he treated you this way. i am truly sad for you..but it will heal..slowly maybe, but surely.. you will have to find a way to give it closure yourself-- Link to comment
Nearwater Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Iwin, I had a similar experience, My ex has some traits that explain how she could "relationship jump" more or less instantly after 3 years with me. Funny thing is it still hurts the same and I still miss her. Where does the gene come from that lets people just drop their closest friend and vanish? Where is their heart? their emotions? It is kind of sick if you think about it. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Well, know you are not a failure. This had nothing to do with you. Which is exactly why it hurts so much, when people do things strictly for their own purposes without taking into account the people they claim to care about. Want me to send the goons? I'm joking, yes, but it's sort of fun to think of him having the fear of god struck in him, no? Reminds you he is a frail little human being no different than you. Well except that he is an exceptional screw-up. Link to comment
buba Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Thank you guys for your support..... I hope to get some closure. Most likely, it will never come. I really miss him. I thought we were going to last....it was great chemistry. Link to comment
phoenixgirl Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Where is their heart? their emotions? Yep i have the same kind of questions Link to comment
i_win Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Iwin, I had a similar experience, My ex has some traits that explain how she could "relationship jump" more or less instantly after 3 years with me. Funny thing is it still hurts the same and I still miss her. Where does the gene come from that lets people just drop their closest friend and vanish? Where is their heart? their emotions? It is kind of sick if you think about it. Sorry to hear about your trouble, pain, and suffering. I don't know all of the answers but I think the deep root is emotional instability. Their emotional instability not only allows them to end a relationship and leave you hurt and clueless, but it also allows them to enter into a new relationship quickly and transfer their emotions and pain onto the new person and into the new relationship which is poisonous. They also tend to rebound and very QUICKLY establish that relationship as being much more serious and it advances at an unaturally quick pace to try and a)validate themselves that they are capable of a healthy relationship after a failed one and b)quickly replace the emotional void that they lost when they left you. It is sick, unhealthy, and just rest assured that she is likely to cause this new relationship to end up in the same place yours was - and the cycle will repeat. They end up lonely, even when they are with someone. Link to comment
buba Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Aaaaah.....I wish the pain was gone. can't sleep or eat....blender in my gut. I have no answers to my questions. He probably met someone else. Most likely he did and she swept him off his feet....no idea. So lost and confused. I wish I knew the truth... Link to comment
i_win Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Aaaaah.....I wish the pain was gone. can't sleep or eat....blender in my gut. I have no answers to my questions. He probably met someone else. It is a good assumption. Feel sorry for the next girl, these types are habitual when it comes to this sort of the thing and probably has no self awareness. Be thankful it happened now and not years into it. You should be upset, but can hopefully shake free of your pain soon. Link to comment
carlito1 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Sorry to hear about this trouble. Same has happened to me, TWICE. Went out with girl of my dreams for 2 years, we split cos she played away but was living with a new fella within a month. Just recently there I had a short relationship with a work colleague, she had divorced a while ago and I was there for her (husband a gambler). Things developed after a few months which was natural for me as everyone said she was making a play and it was obvious we were fond of each other. She got me, I fell for her and she immediately dumped me. What hurts most is she refuses to talk about it at all. Dismissed me like a schoolkid with a crush and has been completely superficial since. (All over about 6 weeks ago and only lasted over a month but I've known her 3 years) I am completely flabbergasted by it all. You think you know someone and they refuse to even acknowledge anything happened between you. Now I know everyone will say rebound rebound but I thought there was more to it. I just ignore her as best I can, have no other choice. Think she has possibly started seeing another colleague who is a great friend of mine. I know I know these people aren't worth it but it sure doesn't make it any easier at all. Link to comment
i_win Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Fake people, but it doesn't make your feelings less real. Link to comment
carlito1 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 No it doesn't, I have to sit in a canteen with this person every day and also in team meetings where there is alot of chat and laughing. I find it absolutely crushing but just have to put the brave face on it. It absolutely has not seemed to affect her in any way at all. It really is shocking. If I didn't work with her it would be alot easier but what can I do but blank her and stay away for my own good. (Didn't mean to hijack your thread Buba) Link to comment
i_win Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 No it doesn't, I have to sit in a canteen with this person every day and also in team meetings where there is alot of chat and laughing. I find it absolutely crushing but just have to put the brave face on it. It absolutely has not seemed to affect her in any way at all. It really is shocking. If I didn't work with her it would be alot easier but what can I do but blank her and stay away for my own good. (Didn't mean to hijack your thread Buba) Yeah also sorry for the hijack. Perhaps a good lesson to not mix business with pleasure anymore. As they say don't crap where you eat so to speak. And she sounds selfish - so of course it doesn't affect her as long as she's always getting what she wants when she wants it she is happy. Link to comment
carlito1 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Oh I know mixing work and personal stuff is a very rocky road to travel but it happens all the time. However when you have been callously dropped without explanation its tough but nothing to do but try and ignore it especially when the other person hasn't give it a minutes thought. Buba, I wouldn't worry about your fella. He sounds like a player and your better off without him, if only that could sink in quick we'd all be alot better off though Link to comment
GottaLetItBurn Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I was dating a guy for a few months....we grew really close. He was very affectionate, kind, loving, etc...... A few days ago he just did't show up as he promised and never called or explained why.....I left messages....no response of any kind. He started a new job and probably met someone there.... No idea. I am really bummed. It's another kick in the teeth. I really cared about him and we had great times together..... Not a word from him. I called him today and he even turned off his phone after he saw me calling..... I wish he explained to me.... Really depressed now. Feel like a falure. It saddens me deeply that people are capable of such behavior.... please, help....a few words of comfort will be greatly appreciated. I'm confused just a little. How long were you together and why would him meeting someone new at work excuse him from meeting with you? That's pretty unacceptable behavior. Can you give some more information? Link to comment
GottaLetItBurn Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 No it doesn't, I have to sit in a canteen with this person every day and also in team meetings where there is alot of chat and laughing. I find it absolutely crushing but just have to put the brave face on it. It absolutely has not seemed to affect her in any way at all. It really is shocking. If I didn't work with her it would be alot easier but what can I do but blank her and stay away for my own good. (Didn't mean to hijack your thread Buba) Man I feel for you. You're pretty brave to be able to even be around a person who did that to you. I would not be able to survive it. I don't know how people can be so cruel. Seems like the person who cares the most gets hurt always. Link to comment
carlito1 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 It can make it easier to look at things long term - how would you be fixed being with such a selfish person for years and some people are. I am convinced these people have major mental issues that they have to deal with and when they are in complete denial about things, it is just storing stuff up in all reality and it'll eventually catch up on them. Its better to be honest and genuine than play these games. I just blank the girl now and if I'm asked about it I'll just say ask her. I have obssessed about no closure for a while and she is now off hunting other acquaintances in work despite me being very close to her - my mates among them. Long and short of it these people are selfish possibly with a sort of narcissistic/bipolar disorder and will try and gain attention in any way of anybody. Its just difficult to sit and watch it when you liked them Link to comment
buba Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 yes, it hurts when there is no closure.....I can't really believe that it's really happening. He was really wonderful to me....very affectionate. always wanted to be around. we saw each other every day... He is not a jerk....he said that he'll always care for me. It's almost 4a.m. I haven't slept at all...I feel so helpless and can't stop crying. It saddens me so deeply. Link to comment
carlito1 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Believe it or not, crying is good. Your getting it out of you system and thats alright, unfortunately, something i am not able to do for whatever reason. However he hasn't treated you fairly at all. You are defending him when you really don't have to. He has unfortunately deserted you in whatever way he has seen fit and that is completely unfair. Believe it or not you are lucky this has happened. It won't feel like it but one day it will. I'm sorry to hear your feeling it so bad but this is the way to work through it, vent away as much as you like Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 People who do this usually are either extremely selfish and once the decide it is over, they feel no need to bother with you anymore, or they are cowardly and can't deal with the emotional upheaval, guilt, and pain that happens during/after the breakup. I talked to someone once who left people this way, and he said that he just melted down and fell apart at the thought of the woman throwing herself upon him and crying and begging and pleading and guilting him back into the relationship. He just couldn't face it and saw that as such horrible torture that he just ran away from it. He couldn't stand how bad it made him feel about himself, so he took the lesser guilt of feeling bad about disappearing vs. what he thought would be the larger trauma of dealing with all the emotional brouhaha after a breakup. It is very cruel to not give you that closure, but there is a good chance he didn't mean to be cruel, just couldn't face you due to his own cowardice. Link to comment
evo12 Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 My boyfriend moved all his stuff out two weeks ago while I was at work and left me a note saying he had moved out and would see me again sometime. I guess I would take comfort that if someone is going to do that, better earlier than later- I think someone who would do this to a significant other would also do this if they were married or kids were involved. Link to comment
Karmageddon Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Oh, i am so sorry for you. My b/f did the same thing to me. I never did understand it and still don't. We had plans then, no show, no call, no return calls to let me know he is dead or alive, nothing. Just a butt load if chicken s**t silence. It's tough when you think you have a connection with someone and in an instant they are gone. You cant help but wonder if it was all lies from the start. Sorry girl, pick yourself up and dust yourself off. I know it hurts now, but if this is how he truly is, you are much better off without him. We were probably dating the same guy! ewwwww!!! just kidding!!!!!! Link to comment
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