GF got in contact with an old fling...

[Seymore]

So a little over a year ago, my girlfriend had a summer fling with this guy younger than her, and he took off without calling, etc. A month later I met my girlfriend.

 

About oh, 4-5 months later he started sending her text messages like "What's up" - simple little messages. She would respond, talking about school and things. It was probably like a message every month, no big deal.

 

I asked her about him after the first message, and she said she didn't regret it because she felt like she was someone else - doing crazy things she wouldn't normally do, etc., but she said he was immature and that's why she said she wouldn't date anyone younger anymore - her sister also told her she wasn't acting like herself with him. PLUS, he was a rebound and it only lasted a month.

 

So back in April, he sends her a message while I'm sitting right there. I started to get a little uncomfortable since I knew their history together now. She asked if she should stop responding, but I said no, it's something I have to learn to deal with. She didn't quite understand why I was a little jealous, so I brought up how it would make her feel if I was still in contact with someone she had even THOUGHT I'd slept with before. She said I had a point. She stopped replying to his messages, even though I told her she can do what she wants because I trust her. I don't trust HIS motives, but I trust her.

 

Last night, I went to log onto Facebook. Thinking I was the last one to log on, I went to Facebook and immediately to the inbox. Turns out it was her account that was still open, and a wall-to-wall conversation to him that she initiated the other day was there, asking him how he's been and apologizing for not texting back. Then she asked for his phone number again since she got a new phone and lost her contacts. He gave it to her and asked her to lunch sometime. She didn't reply.

 

Do I have a reason to be worried? I've always trusted her, but all of a sudden all the past relationships I've been cheated on in came flooding back and now I'm starting to feel insecure. She's told me I'm the best thing to ever happen to her, and talks about us getting married and raising a family together, and I keep saying this to myself to help this paranoia go away.

 

And yes, I do feel bad snooping.

[SapphireNoir10]

You werent snooping that much and you had a reason to do. Wall to wall conversations arent even private.

 

I think you have reason to be worried. Why does she need to talk to a fling when she has a bf, surely she should get what she needs from you? instead of needing attention from a stranger.

[Seymore]

I'm sorry - I was wrong. It was in her inbox, not wall-to-wall. I'm kind of a newbie when it comes to Facebook.

 

What should I do - see how it pans out? Confront her?

 

She does get everything from me. I couldn't BE a better boyfriend to her. I usually don't feel that way about myself, but from what others have told me she is very lucky to have me.

[SapphireNoir10]

I wasnt saying you werent a great boyfriend Im saying thats what would go through my mind (and has int he past with a similar situation) Why does she need to go elsewhere to get attention, hes not a friend, hes an old fling. Is it an ego boost

 

Tell her its kind of innapropriate to keep chatting to him and that you'd understand if he was a great friend rather than someone she slept with and it was wrong to lie about contacting him. She might be enjoying the attention but i'd be wary it'll turn into something else.

[Seymore]

So you're saying it's lying by omission?

 

She's always sworn against cheating - it's something we got out in the open the first month we dated. She cheated once on an old ex after he dislocated her shoulder and told her he never wanted to see her again, but she didn't consider that cheating since she thought it was over anyway - he never returned her calls for 2 weeks, etc.

 

I'll ask her if she's heard from him lately. Any time I've asked, she's told me, along with the entire conversation they had. That's how I found out about most of the text messages.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah ask her about it. If she lies to your face think 'hang on a minute' I just dont even get why she needs to talk to him :S

[Seymore]

I don't get it, either. A month ago when she had her other phone, she always had his number in it. She'd never call or text him, she'd just get texts from him every so often saying "Haven't heard from you in a long time, what's up?"

 

One day I was planning a surprise birthday party for her and had to go through her phone to get her friend's numbers. I went through her texts to see which ones she still keeps in touch with lately, since she has friends numbers in there from years ago that she never is in touch with. I came accross one from him, and when I asked later if she'd heard from him, she told me everything just as I saw it.

 

And if he's seen her Facebook in the last year, he'd KNOW she has a boyfriend. What's his deal?

[ryan123]

I dont know why girls do these things...Keeping in contact with one night stands or flings...They were just having sex...Why get in contact later on when they have boyfriends unless its for sex?

 

I'd tell her you dont like her talking to him. If they were friends who had sex you really have no say...But if all they were was sex, why do they need to talk?

[Seymore]

Well, I guess I have no say. They DID hang out and became friends, it wasn't just for sex. She refers to that as a fling. So I'm confused.

 

I don't like her talking to him, but on the other hand, I don't want to push her away (possibly right towards HIM) and tell her who she can and can't talk to. I just know that she was jealous when I used to talk to my ex-friend's wife once a week, my gf didn't know her, plus we never slept together, we had just been friends for years. So I don't understand how it would be hard for my gf to understand that her still trying to stay in touch with a guy she slept with, especially when she's so serious about me, is kinda uncomfortable.

 

And I don't see why she'd get in touch with him for sex - as it is we have it only like twice a month - she never seems to want it...she claims it's not me, it's just that she's not as interested in sex as me.

[orangesoda]

just my opinion, but she likes the attention from this guy. he's the 'bad boy' that disappeared on her, and she probably remembers the sex and probably thinks about what 'could have been' (girls are like that).

 

inappropriate or not, i'm not sure. at least she's talking to you about it. not sure if she's hiding an agenda, but i certainly don't think this helps your relationship.

 

ps. the twice a month sex is kind of a bag sign. i'm not trying to be a pessimist but that's a REALLY low sex drive. how old is your GF?

[Seymore]

She's 23. Actually, she quit smoking and now we've done it twice in the last week. She suffers from depression, according to her psychologist. Sometimes it's once a month, sometimes it's 3-4 times a month, but on average it's twice. Not a big deal, I love her regardless.

 

Anyway...so she came to pick me up from work so we could go out to lunch. I get in the car and she's got 2 boxes of my favorite candy, just for me. She had her 14-month old nephew for the day (she started babysitting him full-time) and told me she couldn't wait to be my wife and a full-time mom.

 

Well, now I REALLY felt bad for what I was going to ask. I brought up her sister's baby's father, who has the same name as this guy I'm worried about, then I say "Oh speaking of him, have you heard from (the guy) lately?"

 

She says "I facebooked him asking for his number again and apologizing for not responding to his texts", then tells me that she asked for his number again because her friend was just admitted to a mental hospital and nobody could get a hold of her, and it turns out (and I never knew this) that this guy is my gf's friend's cousin (which is how they met) and my gf was hoping that if she could find anything out maybe he'd know. Plus she said she wanted to find out if he ever told her friend about the two of them - I guess it wasn't supposed to get back to her that my gf was dating her cousin, as my gf and the friend had a huge falling out years back.

Then she told me that he suggested they do lunch, and she didn't answer him after that. I said "Yeah...sounds like he wants to hook up again". She said "I didn't take it that way, plus he has to know that I have a boyfriend. Either way, I didn't answer that."

 

A few minutes went by and I still had him asking her to lunch in my head. I said "So you've known him for quite a while, then?" She says "Why do you keep going back to it? I'm with YOU. I love YOU. There's nobody else I want to be with." I brought up how she'd get jealous of female friends of mine I never even dated and asked how she'd feel if I HAD slept with them and was still in touch with them. She said I had a point, and she understood. Then she anwered my question and told me the story of how they met, turns out they met 6 years ago, so they had been friends for a while, but not CLOSE friends. Then she moved to the city and found out that he lived there too, and that's how they hooked up and that's all.

 

I thanked her for being understanding, and she told me that that's how relationships should be - understanding. She said she wanted me to feel like I could talk to her and not have to hold things in.

 

I spoke to my dad during my dinner visit about it and although he is usually the pessimist, he said while it's odd and not the best explanation for it, she probably wasn't thinking clearly and I shouldn't pursue it any further, just keep my wits about me. He said it's plain to see that she damn near worships the ground I walk on and is crazy about me. He never says things like that.

[Seymore]

I swear, every time I calm down with something I get tested again. So I'm ok, brought her flowers last night. We were watching a movie and at 10pm he texts her asking what's up. I ask who it is since she never put his name in her phone and just the number came up, and she says she doesn't know. But I know it was him. I just wanna grab this guy and tell him to buzz off!

[JadedStar]

I am a firm believer that contact with old flings, ex's,etc should be out in the open. In other words, if contact is made they should come home that day and say "so and so reached out to me today and i responded". This is the respectful thing to do, keeping it in the open. Because if you don't and the other person finds out there mind will wander, imagination escalates and much more can be made out of something harmless.

 

This is something to discuss BEFORE it happens tho. THis is after the fact so you two need to see if you can work it out and make it an absolute MUST in the future, that way if she doesn't tell you moving forward, she has broken the boundaries you agreed to prior.

[Seymore]

I know that if I bring it up again, let alone ask her to tell me when she's in contact with him, she'll take it as me not trusting her, and she'll feel like I'm keeping tabs on her or trying to control her and I don't want to push her away.

 

My dad said I should just leave it alone, because if she IS in fact trying to hide something (which he highly doubts), me bugging her about it is only going to make her be more sneaky about it, and that everything will come about. But he said that it's obvious that she thinks of me as her other half and not just another guy, and that I should give her the benefit of the doubt and treat it as if nothing happened, but keep my eyes open.

 

I'm still a little miffed that she didn't say no to his offer of lunch, either, she just didn't respond. But I guess

nothing's set unless she DOES have lunch with him. And the thing is - her best friend has been dating a guy for a year and still talks to her ex, and my girlfriend thinks it's wrong and that she should let the ex go.

 

I HATE times like these - having to tiptoe and act like I don't care...I wrote a letter and I'm keeping it. Not sure if I should give it to her:

 

Hi honey,

 

First of all, I want you to hear me with an open heart and not be angry, because I feel I can talk to you. I know you would never cheat on me, and I love and trust you. I want you to know this. But this is still on my mind and you said you wanted me to feel I could talk to you if something was on my mind, and know that if something similar was ever on your mind you could talk to me just the same, and I wouldn't get upset.

 

I think that text you got last night was from (her ex), and I don't think that he cares if you have a boyfriend. It unnerves me that you asked him for his number in the first place - why do you need it? If it has to do with (her ex's cousin/her friend) - you can't just message him on Facebook? Do you really have to have his number? And why didn't you say no to his lunch offer? Leaving it open worries me. If a girl asked for my number - first of all, I'd think she was interested in me, especially if we'd hooked up previously. Second, if I asked her to lunch and she said nothing, I'd take that as an undecided and continue to contact the girl.

 

If I had contacted someone I had a past with, like (my ex), and asked for her number (which I wouldn't even do) and didn't tell you about it, she asks me to lunch and I don't respond no, wouldn't you be suspicious if I told you only when you asked me? I wish you would let me know when you are in contact with him, because I dunno...it's just weird when I have to ask to find out you've been talking with your ex/old fling. I know you don't hide things from me, but it feels like that's what's happening.

 

I remember when I was on myspace and had a couple of friend invites from spammers disguised as women. I disregarded them and you asked "Why didn't you delete them?" I didn't even know those people.

 

It upsets me that he keeps popping up. Could you please let him know you're not interested and are in a relationship?

[ghost69]

i'd tell my girl they deserve to be together and leave if she didn't stop.

[Seymore]

You don't think that's a little harsh? What about the letter - should I send it?

[Seymore]

Well, I modified the letter to be more sensitive and I sent it. I really needed to get that off my chest. If she gets angry with me over it, it will tell me a lot. I hope I did the right thing...

[orangesoda]

Regardless of how she reacts to it, it was the right thing to do for you. Why should you suffer in silence when this issue obviously bothers you? Standing up for yourself is a basic necessity in any relationship.

 

If she feels that ending contact with an old fling is a deal-breaker for staying with you, well, then obviously you two are not compatible in values.

 

Better to find out now, than suffer in silence for the next 6 months and have it all come to a head.

 

Good luck.

[Seymore]

You know...I tend to overthink things and let them get to me. I'm sure nothing's going on, and I'm sure she'll be understanding. Maybe a little agitated that yesterday I brought it up, then said I'm done, then today bring it up again (she can't stand when I do that instead of getting it all out at once), but I'm sure she'll listen and be loving about it. She just called between jobs to say she misses and loves me, but I don't think she saw the e-mail I sent her yet.

[Seymore]

Well, she came over and told me she read my e-mail. She said that she in no way intended to lead him on and when she asked for his number she wasn't thinking - she could've just messaged him. She said that she's not keeping him "on deck" or anything of the sort and that I'm right and she apologized. She said she didn't leave lunch open, she just never got to respond (she hates writing letters on her cell phone and her internet isn't set up yet where she lives), but she will tell him tonight what the deal is, make her intentions clear, and then she said if he continues to call, she gives me full ability to do whatever my boyfriend powers will allow to him, short of murdering him (her words). She apologized again and said it was totally unfair and that she wouldn't have handled it as calmly were I texting with my ex, so she could understand why I felt that way.

 

All that fuss over nothing. I feel so much better.

[Tnhh]

It’s crazy reading from a decade ahead..because I’m currently going through the same thing with girlfriend at the moment..