Co-dependency/not letting go thoughts

[Nearwater]

I was reading about co-dependency and was hit by a trait that said -

 

"Codependent: worrying about your exs' welfare even when the relationship is over (to avoid pain of facing the truth about the ending and the painful things done by your ex to you).

 

That is me all day! I have been stuck in worry about her poor choice, her financial ruin and her getting hurt in her awful rebound with a married guy.

 

Is this due to her borderline traits? My past? I read about BPD and how those who love them can become co-dependent trying to keep the relationship going strong.

 

All I know is I feel awful, she is 4000 miles away and it is on my mind TOO much.

[Steve 7745]

Can you post the links to the articles you've been reading? I'd like to read them myself.

[ccali78]

Yeah please do...

[jasper01]

Don't put too much stock in anything that makes you feel worse, it just isn't helpful. I think that is a bunch of bs if you ask me. Someone writing an article.

[carla7369]

I think that for those of us ensnared in relationships with those who have BPD, Codependency is certainly a possibility for us. The longer I am out of my 4-year relationship with a BPD (a relationship jumper who has cheated on and dumped ALL of her previous partners), I'm realizing my own dysfunctional role in the relationship. Caring for someone and interdependence in a relationship is healthy. Caring for them and over-depending on them (or them over-depending on you) after it has become painful to do so is codependence. BPD is so tricky because lots of us with codependent tendencies are so kind and caring yet also hurting inside or have low self-esteem. They tell us everything we want to hear in the beginning (idealization) and it seems like we have so much in common (mirroring). Then, slowly, the chaos and conflict and crazy-making escalate and we feel like we're in an alternate reality. We come up with excuses for how to make everything better, how to soothe their pain and suffering and try everything we can to improve the situation while they continue to blame, project, deny, lie, cheat and hurt us in all kinds of ways. It's often exhausting. Staying is codependent. Then, when they're gone, we're often left pining over them and thinking about them long after they've moved on to their next big disaster and victim. I think that if codependency is at the root of what you're experiencing, the key is to work on your self-esteem so that you can take better care of your own needs so as to never fall into a relationship with someone with BPD ever again. We don't need to fear recognizing that we are (or have tendencies toward being) codependent, it's only once we recognize it that we can do something about it so that we will learn how NOT to get stuck in these vampiric, soul-sucking, doomed-to-fail relationships again.

[Nearwater]

link removed

This one is pretty general good advice

 

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The other articles at the top of this are very informative

 

This one is selling a course to get better, It is in that list I saw the co-dependancy thing that spooked me.

 

THis one hit home hard, it is precisely what happened to me...

 

link removed

[yankeefan74]

Interesting passage:

 

This development suggests that rather than feel less about themselves, abandoners (dumpers) have attempted to project rather than internalize their negative feelings, They've exercised the 'victor's option' to blame the victim. Many begin to rewrite the history of the relationship, distorting facts, blocking out emotional memories, negating the original basis of the connection -- all in an effort to justify their decision to leave someone who still wants and needs them. This causes abandonees to feel completely erased and even more isolated. They don't even have memories to hold onto; their entire emotional reality has been disqualified. They lose not only the future, but the past.

[Nearwater]

Yeah, Interesting unless it's you. I actually sent that link to my ex, she read and gave me a 4-word apology... Did not make me feel any better.

[yankeefan74]

I think it's interesting regardless. My ex started saying things, bringing things up that made no sense to me. It sounded as though she'd been having some sort of internal dialogue with herself to justify her conflicting feelings - she was still attracted to me, still loved me, cared about me, etc, but couldn't be with me. At one point, she just got angry and decided that all of the things we always knew about "us" weren't true. It sounded as though she was trying to convince herself that walking way was the right thing.

 

I'm not saying that it feels good when people do that...but knowing that it takes place, that it's probably something a lot of us have gone through (or something similar), provides a measure of comfort.

[Nearwater]

I can relate to that, mine picked a few strange small fights with me about very odd topics, then asked me shy I did not come visit her 3 years ago when we first me and she was away for work... she never asked.

 

But more to the point, she never gave a reason for breaking up, never commented on her feelings and showed little emotion except I am sorry.

[Steve 7745]

That's unbelievably cruel. People denying the past like that... Negating everything. Saying it was as though you did not exist in the first place and leaving you as nothing more than a stranger with a name.

[jasper01]

great quote, that is exactly what happens. It is the best answer I have seen to a question I see posted quite a bit. where'd you find that?

[jasper01]

never mind, found it

[Nearwater]

You know, whatever the stupid reasons, it is all just so very sad. Just got the crying blues again. Wish I had never ever met her.

 

Childhood abuse, fear of engulfment, fear or rejection, finding a partner like her abusive father or alcoholic mother, who cares, it just adds up to heartache and disapointment and dysfunction and sorrow.

[Steve 7745]

You know, whatever the stupid reasons, it is all just so very sad. Just got the crying blues again. Wish I had never ever met her.

 

Childhood abuse, fear of engulfment, fear or rejection, finding a partner like her abusive father or alcoholic mother, who cares, it just adds up to heartache and disapointment dysfunction and sorrow.

 

Usually when people start laying on their sob stories, I get defensive until I feel comfortable that they've come to terms with their own pains. Sometimes it happens- you give people a little faith and let them grow it. Things turn out fine. Othertimes, you put all your eggs in one basket(case), and they crack them all as they turn and run out the door in a hurry.

 

Let me tell you nearwater, when I fell for Em, sure she was beautiful and funny. But what made me lose my control was when she talked about her ex. 2.5 year relationship where she finally gave up her virginity in the last of it. Had all these daydreams about getting married to the guy, then she finds out he's finished with her. Dumps her for another girl.

 

She was a pity case and I fell for her hard. Trying to be her knight in shining armor. Bad move on my part. If anyone ever has to use pity to make you like them, run. Run like a cheetah.

[tone_deaf]

Thanks so much for posting the articles. My ex was very fond of rewriting our history. When we were breaking up she was telling me she never thought we were compatible. And yet it had been her idea for us to move in together. She was the one pushing for us to eventually get married.

 

I would have to deal with these rewritten histories all the time. She would tell me everything was horrible. And then I would remind of her of nice times, or things she said that were supportive. These could have happened just the previous week even! I was going through old emails, and I can't tell you how many of them started with "Thanks for helping me work through these things..." or "I guess I'm having a hard time adjusting to a really good relationship..."

 

I don't say these things to make a case for why she should come back. But is this BPD Bi-Polar Disorder?

[Nearwater]

No, BPD is borderline personality disorder, not bi-polar

[Nearwater]

link removed

 

another related read

[MissBoo]

Thank you for posting these links. I'd never heard of BPD, so thanks to this I now realise that my twisted toxic ex definitely showed several symptoms of this condition. It won't help me get him back (I don't think I want to!) but it stops me feel like I was in any way to blame for his vile behaviour.

 

Perhaps in time, when I am more healed, I will send him some of those links. Perhaps he can them help himself. Or perhaps he is beyond help!

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

great articles, thanks new x

[nutbrownhare]

Codependency isn't something you develop during the course of a relationship; it's something you already have as the result of growing up in a dysfunctional family, and you will then unconsciously choose partners where you will do a re-run of the familiar emotional climate.

 

In other words, codependency is the cause of the relationship with someone with BPD, not a symptom of it.

 

As you are no doubt aware, the only way forward for you is to concentrate on YOU, your own history, your own pain. This is the bit you have some control over. You can't do anything about her.

 

Here is some basic information on codependency: link removed

[GerBear]

WOW... Thanks for the links... no it's a holy sh-t.. complete with the car in the garage bit...

[guitars]

Codependency should really be a HUGE topic of discussion here at ENA. I see a lot of it here and have suffered from it myself, strongly in my last relationship. We broke up largely because our relationship became highly unmanageable due to codependency and I think a lot of people here could relate to that if they looked into the research.

 

To the OP: you should track down a copy of some of Melody Beattie's books. I'm reading "The Codependents' Guide To The 12 Steps" right now and it's helping me a lot.

[Nearwater]

Thanks Guitars, I have been reading about it quite a bit, it is hard to understand and be clear if that is what is affecting me. I do know think too much about her life now that she is gone and I am alone, and very clearly not in the relationship anymore, except in my head. Is that codependency?

 

it is something because it sure feels bad.

[guitars]

Thanks Guitars, I have been reading about it quite a bit, it is hard to understand and be clear if that is what is affecting me. I do know think too much about her life now that she is gone and I am alone, and very clearly not in the relationship anymore, except in my head. Is that codependency?

 

it is something because it sure feels bad.

 

It's really hard to get your head around at first. Thinking about her and her life isn't necessarily codependent. Feel your feelings, that's good. You're going through a time of grieving and that's the natural and absolutely healthy thing to do. You may not ever "get over" this, but you WILL "get through" this.

 

Man, I'm really not an expert on this yet, so take what I say as highly-untrained advice. Codependency is really really complicated and subtle. You're acting out your codependence when you try to control things that you can't control. What you can control is you and what you do with your life and how you deal with your emotions. You can't control her or what she's doing or how she's feeling. You have to let go of outcomes and do what you can to advance yourself.

 

I eventually found it helpful to imagine what I would be doing if we were still together and then started doing those things without her, although it hurt me at first to contemplate. I knew that I wanted to go back to school, so I'm going back to school. If I wake up and feel like I want to take a walk with her or go to the grocery store and make a nice meal with her I go ahead and do it anyway, just without her (or better yet, with my friends). You don't need her to be happy and that's one of the hardest realizations to come to.

 

Here's an important codependent realization: SHE IS NOT YOUR CHILD. You shouldn't have to take care of your partner to the extent that you probably did. She should be able to handle her responsibilities, her issues and her own life. If people keep "saving" her she'll never learn how to do that. Let her go - she can't be what you want her to be, at least not right now. If you are codependent, you have to switch out of the mindset of caring FOR her and into the mindset of caring ABOUT her. You can care ABOUT whatever you want, but when you care FOR another adult who can/should be able to care for themselves, you are being codependent and robbing them of responsibility for their own lives/burdening yourself with an inappropriate level of responsibility for someone else.

 

I'm not sure that my ex had BPD (it's not really up to me to diagnose her!), but she definitely was going through some kind of intense personal issues resulting from her childhood and her codependency on me (and me on her). She was trying to manipulate me into being the person that she thought she wanted me to be (into being the person that was most convenient for her) and I was trying to control her by keeping her dependent on me so that she wouldn't leave. These weren't overt tendencies, but very subtle and subconscious things that motivated us in our daily interactions - and they came from our respective childhoods. It eventually became unmanageable, we were both miserable, she was in therapy and greatly distancing herself from the relationship, I realized that I wasn't getting what I needed and was unable to help her anymore (and that, in fact, me helping her was hurting her chances of learning how to help herself) and so I moved out. We kept up the codependent dance for another six months or so, trying to alternately be friends, be lovers, be in a real realtionship, go NC ... we separated for a few months to work out our issues, found that we couldn't give up control even just being "separated" and so we finally ended it. And you know what? I would still give her another shot, but it's going to take a long time and there will have to be a lot of water under the bridge first. I've come to accept that - at least for today...