Mountain out of a molehill....but why?

[Cowgirl33]

I am hoping to get some male perspective on this issue but welcome all comments. I apologize for this being so long and complicated.

 

I have had a relationship with a male co-worker for almost 3 years. It began as a friendhsip in which he needed advice. Then it became a brief affair. We were intimate only a few times then ended the sexual part for obvious reasons. However, we have remained very close and still share a deep bond. We are very open with each other. We both are well-liked at work and are very social. I am single and would very much like to be married someday although I am not expecting it to be to him.

 

Two women have told me they have crushes on him. "Shirley", told me she would not give up until she nailed him. I warned “George” gently of this information. He is a big boy, but I felt as a friend, I should tell him. I also need to mention that she is also married but has a very bad reputation for sleeping around. Some of it she had told me herself. He greatly appreciated me warning him and stated that he never saw it coming. I asked him directly if she meant something anything to him and his answer was an emphatic “no” and that they were only co-workers. I trusted his answers. He has never given me a reason to not trust him. She on the other hand, I do not trust and she has always given me reason to doubt anything she has said. She has been in trouble at work numerous times for lying.

 

The other day, I walked in on them talking in a small conference room. They were alone. The conversation did not stop when I walked in. She looked me in the eye and said hello; he would not look at me. I was only in there for about 1 minute and could not tell what the converstaion was about. The look she gave me however was what got me suspicious; not of him but of her. Additionally, she was standing very, very close to him.

 

When I spoke to him about it a few minutes later, he explained what the conversation was about and said that it was her that pulled them into the conference room. He was not defensive and assured me they do not have a “relationship or friendship” in any form. The entire time we were talking, she walked by about 4 times. We also talked about us. I thanked him and we departed both feeling pretty good about our talk.

 

I used to be really good friends with Shirley over the years. So, I called her at home that evening. Her first words were “I am so glad you called. I just told my husband about what happened with George and that I was worried about George and I”. I could hear her husband in the room with her. She assured me there was nothing to be worried about. I wanted to believe her since we used to be close. My next words were "Please don't hurt him. He has been through enough". I didnt' think she would tell me if she were sleeping with him but I felt the need to let her know I was on to her. I have no claim to him but I know in my heart she would only wish to conquer him then throw him away like the others before her.

 

What happened next stymies me. The very next day, I saw them walking down the street together to a local espresso bar. He has told me many times, he doesn't go anywhere outside of work with females due to perceptions. He has never even done that with me. But, when I saw them together, I saw red. Later that day I confronted him nicely. He leveled me with his harsh words. He told me I had no right to call her at home and alert her husband to her friendship with him. Now wait….I thought there was no friendship. Additionally, I shoudl have known she would tell him of my call.

 

He went on to say he was walking with her to let her know he was going to back off since perceptions were bad and he couldn't risk the gossip and that he owed her that courtesy. Hmmmmm??? Why is that exactly?

 

He then told me he hated me for stirring the pot, for not trusting him and for causing them both grief. Why am I being accused of stirring the pot? She is the one that told him which stirred the pot. Causing them grief? But, that was not what I was doing at all and I tried to explain. He would not listen. If she didn’t want her husband to know about George than why did she say his name out loud on the other end of the phone? And if she didn’t want her husband to know about George why didn’t she just tell me she couldn’t talk to me at that time? And if George and Shirley are just friends, why did he get so angry with me?

 

It has been 2 weeks and he will not allow me to explain my side. He only sent me an email stating he no longer wishes to have “personal” contact with me, ever. Since then, he has passed through my office area daily (with no real purpose for being there) and will not even look at me. He will joke around with others around me but will not allow me to join in on the conversations. When I do, he walks away. I feel the need to set the record straight. I have told him how much his friendhship means to me and that I hate for him to think I was out to hurt him.

 

Can anyone tell me what may be going on in his head? What am I missing? He got very jealous over a male friend that I spend time with on the weekends even though it is purely plutonic. So, if he is feeling that I am acting like a jealous female, why is it okay for him and not for me?

 

Thanks for the input and for not judging.

[AJ Auteur]

Male perspective:

 

Get back to work and quit causing drama. Stay above the fray at work...protecting male friends and judging who you trust and who you can prevent from being hurt...yikes i got exhausted just reading half of what you wrote..if your bored find a job/career where what your doing will be your actual focus.

[Ellie2006]

I am not a guy but I wanted to chime in, if you dont mind.

 

I know you mean well but I think you should back off as he's a big boy and can take care of himself. Ultimately, he is going to do what he wants to do and even though he may appreciate your advice, it is just that: advice that he can *choose* to follow or ignore.

 

And it looks like he's going to make up his own mind about his friendship with Shirley and I think you should respect that he is a reasonably intelligent individual who can make up his own mind.

 

I think you have done all you can (as a friend) by informing him of Shirley's intentions and reputation but anything more than that, I would too see as you going over the line. Whatever anyone says, I dont believe that you can save people from themselves. If his intent is to get involved with Shirley, no one's going to stop him and no one can stop him but himself, no?

 

And this may be unwarranted advice but I think you are waaaay too involved with George, who, according to you, is a co-worker that you see no future with.

 

 

You wrote: He leveled me with his harsh words. He told me I had no right to call her at home and alert her husband to her friendship with him. Now wait….I thought there was no friendship. Additionally, I should have known she would tell him of my call.

 

Whatever he may have told you, his actions are telling you that they obviously have a friendship. Whether it is anything more than a friendly work-relationship, well ... since they have made it clear that it is none of your business, I think you have to respect that.

 

You wrote: He then told me he hated me for stirring the pot, for not trusting him and for causing them both grief. Why am I being accused of stirring the pot? She is the one that told him which stirred the pot. Causing them grief? But, that was not what I was doing at all and I tried to explain. He would not listen. If she didn’t want her husband to know about George than why did she say his name out loud on the other end of the phone? And if she didn’t want her husband to know about George why didn’t she just tell me she couldn’t talk to me at that time? And if George and Shirley are just friends, why did he get so angry with me?

 

 

Well, I can see where George is coming from: IF their friendship is innocent, I think one can say that you ARE "stirring the pot" by insinuating that something more might be going on.

 

Ultimately, it doesnt matter what Shirley said and how she responded to your phone call and what she promised NOR does it matter what George said PRIOR to this new budding friendship with Shirley. It is apparent that NOW they have a friendship that neither are willing to give up, despite your advice.

 

I think the best thing for *you* at this juncture is to remove yourself from what may or may NOT be an extramarital affair-in-the-making. Do NOT insert yourself into their mess (if it is even that).

 

Just my two cents.

[DN]

Is 'Shirley' the same woman as 'Lucy' that you talk about in this thread:

 

 

 

Or is that another woman entirely?

[Ellie2006]

Is 'Shirley' the same woman as 'Lucy' that you talk about in this thread:

 

 

 

Or is that another woman entirely?

 

Yikes. I dont know if "Shirley" and "Lucy" are one in the same BUT if George is the same married co-worker that you talk about in that other thread ... I think you got very good advice on your other thread, which you really should consider following.

[Cowgirl33]

I realize all of this must sound bad to those of you reading this. It is not as dramatic or ilicit as it looks on the screen.

 

Lucy and Shirley are not the same but the guys are not the same either.

 

On the first thread, (the story of Lucy) some things didn't make it on the post and I made a mistake on the timeline. He and I were friends before he married and all of that happened quite awhile ago. It has been bothering me and I am new to this site so I thought I would get some much needed feedback on it. He and still work together but have a comfortable, "appropriate" relationship.

 

On the story of George, he and I have far more history but we were only friends at the time of the first story. What I am experiencing with George now is new and I think has become more amplified because of our history, otherwise it would not be drama at all. He and I are not intimate but we are close and apparently, co-dependant. Up until this occurred, we have been working through this new phase of our friendship and thought we were doing well. Neither of us wanted to give up our friendship and that is why some of this is so surprising to me. Contrary to some of the assumptions in the threads on both posts, neither men are "players" and do not spend much time with other women. In fact, George shies away from that normally. In both cases, unusual circumstances brought us together.

 

I am not intimate with either of them, nor do I have any desire to be. None of us ever looked for an affair and I do not make a practice of being with married men. I care very much for them both but am closest to George. If he truly sees me as the bad person here, I will let him go. Happiness is what I wish for him and if I am causing him pain I will leave him be.

[Ellie2006]

If Lucy-married co-worker and Shirley-George are two different sets of people, I guess the backstory w/ Lucy is irrelevant (kind of, sort of).

 

I dont think you should leave George be bc of "pain" you may or may not be causing him. He may not be a "player" but he's no "delicate porcelain doll" either, for pete's sake. I dont understand why you're walking on eggshells around George IF you two are "just friends." Friends are supposed to be the voice of reason and sanity when their friends take a step in the "wrong" direction -- and you have already done your part as a friend.

 

In any event, I think you should leave George alone because it is the right thing to do for YOU not to get involved in the George/Shirley drama.

 

If you're really George's friend, respect his boundaries and leave him be.

 

If he is indeed in an extramarital affair with Shirley, be there for him as a friend *when* that affair crashes and burns.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

First, it is usually a bad idea to get too close and enmeshed with people you work with because it can interfere with work and have too much personal drama.

 

Second, it is really a bad idea to get too emotionally meshed with married men at all. You should be turning your time and attention to finding single men to date, not married men to either have affairs or get too close to.

 

I think you have some problems with understanding appropriate boundaries and could use some counseling for your own sake.

 

It actually is appropriate for George to be angry that you are getting involved in his social life and doing things like calling other women to warn them off. If he is just friends with the woman that could have been an extreme disaster if her husband thought it was cheating. And even if they're cheating, it is none of your business, and your desire to 'protect' George is inappropriate and more about meddling and your own need to bond with him (or jealousy). I am not surprised that he has cut you off as a friend.

 

So stop forming these 'close' friendships with married men entirely, and get some counseling for yourself so that you can understand what appropriate boundaries are.

[Cowgirl33]

Thanks Ellie2006 and BeStrongBeHappy for the considerate advice.

 

There is no doubt I have issue I need to work on and have already begun that process. I do find it very ironic that he and I both have boundary issues with each other yet he feels it is okay to cross boundaries with me but the reverse is not true. This is the first time this has ever happened between us. I didn't feel I was crossing the line with him since he has always disolved any boundaries with him in the past. To this day, he still feels jealous and hurt if I go out on a date. There have been no boundaries until now apparently.

 

He was not angry with me for cautioning him. He greatly appreicated what I had to say. But he was angry at the phone call. Overly angry. But I have to reiterate, since Shirley and I have been friends for a number of years and I have called her house hundreds of times, there was no threat of "disaster" until she said Georges name out loud, which she should not have done. Her husband also works at the same company so we all know each other well. Had I felt there was potential for disaster, I never would have made that call. Shirley and I may no longer be friends but I don't wish any of the parties involved any problems. However, by her own admission, she has had numerous affairs and loves to make her husband jealous. I seriously hope she gets help too.

 

I did what I could in friendship and if he believes I crossed the line then I owe him an apology for that if he will ever speak to me again. He did in fact talk to me today. But I do not think he has gone down that road with Shirley. I believe he knows better and simply speaks to her now and then. I hope in time he will cool off and allow me to explain the side to this that he doesn't understand. Then maybe he can forgive me. For now...I will leave him be.

 

And regarding the comment about finding single men to date....believe me I have tried. Small towns don't often have many men in my age group to date....but I am trying. I seem to only attract married men and I don't understand why. I wish nothing more than to meet a nice, single man. George will always have a special place in my heart for his friendhsip towards me when I needed it the most a few years ago. I can never repay him for the kindness he showed me and the help he offered...and that is why this is all so hard.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Why not try some online dating and look for guys who are within 120 miles that you could date on weekends? That is not too far for weekend dates.

[Cowgirl33]

Been there, done that and am trying it again. Sadly, not much to pick from and most of the guys in my area have been on the dating sites for months if not years. The last guy I dated turned out to be married. The guy before that was a raging alcoholic and the one before that would never pay for anything, not even coffee. But, I try not to give up. Thanks for the suggestion.