I went through his phone.... = (

[giggle3474]

My ex and I have been broken up for about 2 months almost. Recently we have spent a lot of time together and have been talking about working things out. Last night he took me to one of his friends birthday party. We had a great time and it was a truly wonderful night. I have been so happy that he has been more open to his feelings and has indicated an interest in working things out. I love him so much...

 

 

This morning I was going through his pants getting out my id and credit card and I grabbed his phone. I dont know what posessed me but I went through it. I guess I was just wondering what he had been up to. Anyhow I saw a few texts in there that bothered me.

 

1 said: I really enjoy spending time with you even if we are just going to be cool..

 

another said: thanks for coming by tonight babygirl

 

and the 3rd one said: I am thinking about the way you taste.

 

Im so upset by that. It really sounds like he has slept with someone else and all this time he has been sleeping with me. Whats worse is that he figured out that I went through his phone and now he is upset with me. I totally understand but still - the thought of him sleeping with someone else just kills me. I don't know what to do. Do I even have a right to be upset? And how do I handle it if he has been sleeping with someone else. Technically speaking we aren't together but at the same time, we aren't really broken up either. I am so sad right now.

 

The intimacy that he and I share is very special to me. We have a wonderful sex life and it's made all the better because we really care about each other. To think of him sharing that with some stranger just kills me. I know he had to have just met this girl... I don't know the date of the text but it had to be in the last 2 weeks. And the last 3 weekends have been spent entirely with me.

 

Please help!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh honey, i'm sorry.

 

This guy has been giving off signs all along that he might be living a double life, and keeping you at a distance so that he isn't hemmed in.

 

OF COURSE you have a right to be upset if he has been lying about his disappearances and why he doesn't want to commit to you, and seeing other women while with you.

 

Part of his unwillingness to commit to you might be he doesn't want to give up other women on the side.

 

From everything i have read on your threads, i just think you two are two different kinds of people. You want fidelity and monogamy and a normal family life, and he wants to be free to do whatever he pleases.

 

He is a former drug dealer and now obviously sleeping with other women and pushing you away while not informing you of this whole other life he has with other women.

 

I just don't think he is a good candidate for a permanent relationship. He's angry about getting caught, and obviously is pretty selfish as many people have told you.

 

It may be time to let this guy go... or just get more of the same.

[Steve 7745]

If this was court, your evidence would be dismissed as illegally seized.

 

Be thankful this is not court.

 

You saw things in there which are an indication of how he treats or talks to other girls when you don't see him doing it. Since you two aren't exclusive, then, well, there's no stopping him. You could ask him for exclusivity if you'd prefer, since when someone is tied to someone else they do tend to curb behavior that is normally done as a single man.

 

But, the fact remains. He is still quite open with other women. His behavior towards them makes you uncomfortable.

 

You could ask him to be exclusive with you if you want and hope that this curbs his behavior, but I think you'll find people believe this to be naive and setting yourself up. And if he's reluctant, then I would strongly suggest just walking away. Walking away right now, without looking back, is by far the most prudent thing you can do however. It protects you, saves you from the pain and misery of knowing he showed powerful signs of being a cheater and what's worse, you knew and still dived after him.

 

If you ask me, I suggest you just walk away. But do as you will.

[queenFool]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

why don't you try and look at it as the closure you need and move on? The same thing happened to me where my ex was sleeping with me after we broke up, and then one day after he was with me I found out he slept with someone else.

It is difficult but it is also such an insult and i just hate it that it happened. but i am trying to move on, not crying and not wishing we could be together again ever.

[giggle3474]

Thank you both. I plan on talking to him when I get home today. I havent had a good track record with trust and relationships and I've been cheated on too many times to count. I think that is why I involved myself so much into his life. I knew all his friends, knew his myspace buddies, i've gone thorugh his phone before, etc etc. Ive never heard of this girl before so Im almost certain that he has just met her on myspace. Because I had been so deep into his life, I know that it's not a double life he was leading but now I think he's just being selfish. He is very open with his life and I am certain he would tell me the truth but I guess I just didn't want to believe that he may be dating someone else. I knew there was a possiblilty but I didn't really want to know I guess. I wish it were that easy to walk away.

[Steve 7745]

I wish it were that easy to walk away.

 

 

Walking away is what we help with. Walking away is what we're getting better at.

[giggle3474]

I just feel like I would be losing out on so much. I have never been this close with a guy before. I have never felt so free to be myself and still feel loved, fel beautiful and not feel used. He is also my best friend. Obviously things are not hearts and flowers all the time. As good as he has made me feel, he has also been responsible for making me feel the lowest I ever have. I think BEStrong is right about us leading two different lives but while I am certain about what I want, he isn't and so I hold on to that part that enjoys the monogamy. He loves attention from other girls and so I knew that he would be hanging out with other girls and I had a feeling I would see text messages pertaining to that. I had never imagined he would sleep with someone else, especially so soon.

 

Can that message be looked at any other way? I mean it does make it pretty clear that he has been intimate with her. I can handle him dating someone else, kissing someone else or wahtever before we started talking about working it out but him sleeping with someone makes me feel so betrayed.

[Steve 7745]

You've been cheated on before, again and again. You really want to invite that on yourself just one more time? That this guy is so special, that you can ignore the signs you have so obviously vexed and labeled as cause for concern?

 

That's your instincts speaking. And they're telling you that he is a cause of distress.

 

I've met people who were wonderful, and amazing before. And when we broke up, I thought I would never feel that way towards anyone ever again in my life. And guess what? I never did.

 

Because the next time I felt something even remotely like that, it felt ever better, and lasted longer and was more meaningful.

 

 

So don't show fear at letting him go. You'll find someone who makes you feel the same thrills he can, someone even greater than who he is, and someone who is more faithful than he can ever be. It maybe a little while, but I promise you it will happen if you only let it, by letting go of him.

[annie24]

if you are broken up, then he is well within his rights to be meeting other women, sleeping with them even. really not your business at all.

 

but why are you so hung up on a guy who doesn't seem to be making the effort to build something lasting and real with you? you are putting in the effort, he is not.

 

i'd leave this guy and not look back. you can do better and find someone who worships you. not someone who is seeing other women on the side.

[giggle3474]

ahhh it's so frustrating because I know everyone is right. I know I can do better and have someone who is head over heels crazy about me. It's just that Im 30 years old now and I feel like to start over agin is just tiring. I have no idea where to meet someone who is quality. I am not certain whether or not I want any more kids but obviously I am getting to the age that if I'm going to have another one, I need to get on it! It would be so much easier if I wasn't so co-dependent and if I had high self esteem and higher confidence but it seems like I keep attracting the same type of man.

 

I have not been able to let go of him at all over the 1 1/2 + years that we have been together. I do truly love him and even though I KNOW he loves me, I don't get that he is crazy about me... I don't get that he feels lucky to have me... I don't get that he is amazed by me... And all of those things have led to more insecurity and more problems. I want so badly for him to love me the way I love him.

[DN]

This situation is too confusing because you two don't have any ground rules. Neither of you can claim to be right or wrong because neither of those words apply.

 

If you want to be with him then you need to tell him so - and why. If you are OK with being not officially together but having sex but not Ok with him seeing anyone else then you need to say that.

 

You can set any rules you like just as he can. But they have to be rules you both agree to and understand up-front.

[giggle3474]

ok- I agree. That being said, one of the rules would have been not to have sex with other people. Now that it may be after the fact, what do I do? Say from here on out no sex with anyone else? I may not have a right to be right or mad or whatever but that doesn't stop from how much I am hurting.

 

Obviously if his intent is to work things out between us, having sex with someone else is not the way to show that. Like I said, I don't know the date on the text message but I can almost guarantee it was a Friday night and I can almost guarantee that he ended up with me that same night.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But he has a pattern... you together for a few months, then you break up for a couple months, then you get back together again, then you break up again, then you get together again.

 

As an outsider, it seems to me that what might be going on here is that he can only go a few months before he gets an itch for a piece of strange as they say... gets bored with the domesticity and breaks up so he can be with other women for a while, then once he's had his fill of the strange, he's back to you again.

 

Would this be acceptable in marriage with him? And could you ever trust him?

 

Some men who are womanizers who don't do monogamy well never do form that deep bond with any one woman. I know a guy like this, and he says he is quite 'fond' of particular women, but that doesn't change his nature or make him quit chasing lots of women, some of whom he likes better than others. He gets restless anytime he has to be with any one woman longer than a few months.

 

So you need to be very careful that such a scenario isn't in play here. He may be staging these breakups to allow him to chase some other woman he sees as attractive for a while, satisifies that itch, then calls you again because he is fond of you. Or what seems to have happened actually, you go after him and beg and plead and guilt him back into your life again.

 

Then he gets the itch and off he goes.

 

So you really need to be careful what you wish for here, because he may not be able to do monogamy. Men who can't know that women get upset by that, so the bad guys lie to get sexual variety, and the not so bad ones either impose a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy where they omit to tell you about their escapades, or they break up periodically, indulge their taste for variety, then go back into a relationship for a while til the next time they crave it.

 

So you need to recognize he might have a very different view of reality than you do, and love has a different meaning for him, or he's a 'love the one you're with' kind of guy rather than a 'one true love' guy.

 

Just be careful, gather as much information as you can, and keep your feet firmly planted on the ground rather than trying to live on what you hope he will be.

 

If he won't promise fidelity and consistency (no more 'breaks' allowed or you're gone), then he's probably a lost cause.

[giggle3474]

Oooh I sooo don't want to keep up a pattern. I can believe that it happened the first time but we were so good..so close the second time around - I was really surprised that he got so freaked out. I don't believe that he does this intentionally or even really pre-meditated but that doesn't stop it from being very hurtful and a huge waste of time and energy. I agree that he gets that itch for the excitment and newness of a potential new "friend". I understnad that and I can even see how it would be appealing. I have had guys come on to me over the last year or so and I would compare them and think, gosh I wish my guy said these things or made the same amount of money or whatever the case may be but I never acted on it. I guess Im just hoping that he will soon realize that all his roads are leading back to me and hopefully he would accept that and come to terms with it. I think a condition of us being back together would DEFINETLY be that he needs to delete his myspace account. For god's sake, he is 36 years old! And I'd also really like to see us go to counseling but he doesn't really believe in it. . .

[DN]

Of course you can introduce a new rule. You can do what you want. By the same token so can he.

 

You could, for instance, tell him that not only do you not want to have sex with him if he is seeing other women, but you don't want to see him at all unless he can give you an immediate commitment to marriage, kids and a house with a white picket fence.

 

I think you should go for the marriage if that is what you want - but you can choose anything. If he agrees, then all is well. If he doesn't agree then you can decide what to do next - such as walk away and find someone else.

 

You don't have to let other people make your choices for you. You can make your own and if they agree with that choice, and you agree with theirs, then you have a deal. If you can't agree then make different choices.

[Seraphim]

Your first mistake was assuming while you were broken up was he HAD to be faithful to you. Part of the rules of broken up means you are allowed to date and sleep with others. Number 2 you went through his personal property. If that was mail, you could have been charged. I think in the electronic age e mail and cell phones become like mail, and should be treated as private. You broke 2 very important boundries.

[Smyles]

First thing first. Before any confrontations, before setting rules, you need to go get yourself tested for STDs. It is evident from the texts that he did indeed sleep with someone else besides you.