Top 5 Qualities You Look For in a Partner

[somnambulist]

You know when you've been dating someone for a while, and you're just on the cusp of turning it into a bona-fide relationship? (Er, by "bona-fide" I mean fully-committed and interested in staying with this person for the long-term.) How do you decide whether to take the next step and turn it into a relationship? Most of us have checklists - conscious or otherwise - against which we tick off potential partners.

 

When you've been out on a few dates (or many, depending on what your preferred timeline is), what are the top 5 things you're looking for? What are the top 5 qualities that, when found in a dating partner, would tip the scales from "fun date" into "relationship material"?

 

Which is to say, what 5 things would make or break the deal for you?

 

For me, it's these 5 qualities:

 

1) A strong psychological constitution, i.e. someone who is happy with themselves and at peace with themselves. By this, I mean that they aren't dysfunctional and don't have terrible hang-ups from their childhoods or their past relationships that they have yet to resolve. I want to be someone's partner, not their counselor. The great thing about this quality is that it automatically rules out abusers, poor communicators, stalkers, doormats and addicts. A strong, happy and peaceful person is generally well-behaved, and won't indulge in either self-harm or harm to other people. (That's my theory, anyway...)

 

2) The ability and the motivation to completely and totally commit to me, to the exclusion of all others. Yes, this means fidelity! Past infidelities automatically disqualify a person, since I don't give second chances to apparently "reformed" cheaters. Not that reform is altogether impossible, but it's unlikely enough to make it a waste of my time.

 

3) An interest in intellectual and purely geeky things. Hey, I'm a total geek; if the other person wasn't also a geek, I'd drive them up the wall! They'd drive me crazy, too. Basically, I'm looking for a person who is able to sustain a philosophical, scientific or aesthetic discussion just for the fun of it. Really, genuinely for the fun of it - not as an argument or a matter of pride. Someone who can appreciate "pure discourse" without bringing their egos into it. (Well, to a point. If they've defeated me soundly on a logical issue, they're more than entitled to look a little smug! And to demand certain, er, "rewards." )

 

4) Definite plans for the future in terms of job prospects, finances, the possibility of children etc. A person who isn't driven, decisive or practical doesn't interest me! This doesn't mean that they have to be stubborn in a mercenary way, or that they have to be inflexible - just that they should care enough about their own lives to have seriously thought about what to do with them.

 

5) Warmth. This means the ability to be loving, to be emotionally expressive at the very least (if not outright effusive!), and to be tender in a spontaneous way. Some would argue that this is really the same as point 1), but I don't think that this is always the case. Some very happy and well-adjusted people can still have low emotional temperatures! And I definitely want a warm-hearted person who needs my company, rather than someone who is satisfied with little or no companionship.

 

So those are my make-or-break qualities! My checklist, so to speak. When dating someone, I keep these qualities in mind, and if I feel that any of them is not met, then I won't be interested in dating that person any longer. On the other hand, if all five qualities are met, then full speed ahead! I'll definitely be interested in a long-term relationship.

 

Please share your top 5 qualities, too! Make sure to discuss them at least briefly, because mere terms can have different definitions for different people. (For example, the word "warmth" may mean something different to Person A than it does to Person B.)

 

If you feel like it, you can also talk about how or why you came up with these qualities. Or if you prefer to "wing it" in certain cases, then in what cases would you be willing to put aside your checklist? I'm all ears!

[fragmint]

1. finances/career stability for now and the future. hes gotta be on a good/steady path towards financial stability and heading for a good career goal. also has to know about spending/finances/taxes/investments at least the basics of it so he can make smart decisions about his money when he makes it.

 

2. willing to compromise on what i want if it differs from what he wants. he has to be reasonable when it comes to actions but still have his own opinion on things. he has to be able to make decisions that are reasonable and compromising if necessary too.

 

3. comes from a nice family with normal people who also are 1 and 2.

 

4. likes pets and can deal with my family in terms of etiquette and socializing.

 

5. has hobbies and his own life that he is busy in. he has to have good time management skills and his own stuff going on. has to have hobbies he really loves and strong preferences for activities that he likes to do. nothing more annoying than when i ask someone what they wanna do they just say 'whatever' or 'it doesnt matter' or 'whatever you wanna do' every single time.

[Timebandit]

I mostly found the 5 qualities great.

 

2) The ability and the motivation to completely and totally commit to me, to the exclusion of all others. Yes, this means fidelity! Past infidelities automatically disqualify a person, since I don't give second chances to apparently "reformed" cheaters. Not that reform is altogether impossible, but it's unlikely enough to make it a waste of my time.

 

If you are not willing to partner up with someone who has ever cheated, you dating pool is probably likely to diminish very rapidly. Of course, if a person has a pattern of cheating, he or she would be a no-go. But how are you going to find out if they have ever cheated on someone? (unless they tell you).

 

I think the "I will not be with someone who has ever cheated" is a tad to idealistic.

[Meatyka]

Mine would be.

 

1) A very kind person, some one who isnt aggressive alot. Does get mad but doesnt over due it. Kind hearted and such.

 

2) Should be able to make me laugh, even if the most stupidest stuff can make me laugh then the person is right for me.

 

3) Wants a serious relationship, able to trust me as i should be able to trust them, if i cant trust them then i dont want them.

 

4) Wants fun, but not immature. Knows how to have fun without looking like a child.

 

5) Able to make me feel wanted and loved and really enjoys being with me and loves me or likes me alot.

 

Thats what i got for now, cant exactly explain well.

[fragmint]

I mostly found the 5 qualities great.

 

 

 

If you are not willing to partner up with someone who has ever cheated, you dating pool is probably likely to diminish very rapidly. Of course, if a person has a pattern of cheating, he or she would be a no-go. But how are you going to find out if they have ever cheated on someone? (unless they tell you).

 

I think the "I will not be with someone who has ever cheated" is a tad to idealistic.

 

 

the pool will get smaller, but remember the pool is really freakin big to begin with. so even after it gets smaller, therse still a ton of choices from the people who havent cheated.

[StrawberryYogurt]

Holy cow, that's a really good list. Same as mine except I'd subtract #3 and add financially responsible (good credit score, contributes to 401K, etc) .

 

Btw, I really like the "no past cheaters" being on the list. I agree with that so much, if they cheated once, the prob they'll cheat again is much higher than for someone who's never cheated.

[zachiphus]

1. Mental stability- I don't mind someone who is emotional, but I cannot stand somebody who is always worrying about what everyone thinks and is too focused on their self-image.

 

2. Respect for me- respect my decisions and how I live my life, gives me my space, but isn't afraid to speak up when they don't like something I am doing.

 

3. Ambition- I want someone who is always looking ahead to see what they can do to better themselves and others.

 

4. Loyalty- Someone who is dedicated to me and will remain at my side through situations thick and thin, we may not always agree, but compromising does wonders.

 

5. Understanding- Im in the military, so the person I am with must realize that as much as I would love to, I may not necessarily always be there with them physically, and be able to cope with certain situation themselves.

[Imprecision]

I'm attracted to two different types of women. For a woman to enter a long-term relationship with me, she must belong to one of the two types.

 

The first type

 

Loyalty - She must be passionately loyal to her friends. If a friend is in trouble, she must lay down her riches, her reputation, and even her life for him.

 

Sincerity - She must look out for those she love. She must be genuine and down-to-earth with them.

 

Understanding the world of men - She should understand men. She should understand what it means to be a stand-up guy. She should understand basic concepts like hierarchy, leadership, saving face, etc.

 

Elegance - She should be feminine. She should have a womanly grace. Not girlishness, which is annoying, but a refined, reserved elegance.

 

The second type

 

Popularity - She must have many admirers. She should love all of them, and she should string all of them along.

 

Friends - She should make friends with everyone, including social rejects. Most social rejects are nervous wrecks. Even when she speaks with the creepiest guy, she should be calm, natural, friendly, and charming.

 

This quality differentiates her from generic popular girls who depend on looks and cliques alone.

 

Social aptitude - She should handle every situation smoothly. For her, everything is easy and commonplace.

 

Balance - Drama should follow her wherever she goes. But she herself should be perfectly balanced and unaffected. Her friends' drama should amuse her, but not affect her. Her wisdom is - moderation in everything.

 

The fifth quality

 

Independent mind - Both the first and second type share this quality. This differentiates them from the vast majority of women.

[desert_rose26]

Wow. You are really sure of what you want. My checklist is pretty vague. Let met try:

 

1. Responsible/Dependability - to be accountable for their actions and take responsibility for the future and choices they make.

2. Assertiveness - stand up for themselves...be smart..take control of hard situations.

3. Honesty/Loyalty

4. Humour - Do not take themselves too seriously, able to laugh at ones self, and to act silly at times.

5. Loving/Caring - The more caring and loving...the better...my ex was wasn't enough..although he denies this.

 

There that's my 5...

[Timebandit]

Wow. You are really sure of what you want. My checklist is pretty vague. Let met try:

 

1. Responsible/Dependability - to be accountable for their actions and take responsibility for the future and choices they make.

2. Assertiveness - stand up for themselves...be smart..take control of hard situations.

3. Honesty/Loyalty

4. Humour - Do not take themselves too seriously, able to laugh at ones self, and to act silly at times.

5. Loving/Caring - The more caring and loving...the better...my ex was wasn't enough..although he denies this.

 

There that's my 5...

 

Hey... that was my list

[desert_rose26]

Hey... that was my list

 

I actually forgot to add a biggie, which is...

 

6. Healthy - meaning good health and absolutely NO smokers...I just find it a huge turn off. I wasn't stupid enough to start smoking so why would I want someone who was..yes, everyone makes mistakes..but I wouldn't want them to quit just because of me ya know? (no offense to smokers, I'm generalizing!,,I know..peer pressure and parents who smoke are a big influence..or no knowledge of the risk and harm in smoking when young)

[thejigsup]

My five qualities I need>

1. Honesty

2. Intelligence

3. Sense of humor

4. Career oriented

5. Must love cats (maybe this should be number two or three, it's that important.)

6. Yeah, I added one. Must not smoke or use drugs. Drinking isn't high on my list, either.

[fragmint]

My five qualities I need>

1. Honesty

2. Intelligence

3. Sense of humor

4. Career oriented

5. Must love cats (maybe this should be number two or three, it's that important.)

6. Yeah, I added one. Must not smoke or use drugs. Drinking isn't high on my list, either.

 

you could probably include 6 as part of #2 so you're still good =)

[Timebandit]

I actually forgot to add a biggie, which is...

 

6. Healthy - meaning good health and absolutely NO smokers...I just find it a huge turn off. I wasn't stupid enough to start smoking so why would I want someone who was..yes, everyone makes mistakes..but I wouldn't want them to quit just because of me ya know? (no offense to smokers, I'm generalizing!,,I know..peer pressure and parents who smoke are a big influence..or no knowledge of the risk and harm in smoking when young)

 

7. Must not be addicted to ENA ;-)

 

(one addicted in the household should be enough)

[phish]

in no particular order:

 

1. good looking with an expressive smile and laugh

2. smart

3. has a goal for themselves

4. passionate about their beliefs, but not mindless

5. shares my sense of humor

[rocio]

1. Doesn't make lists of what they look for in a partner.

2. .........hmmmm, that's all I could think of..

[Iceman26]

1) Honesty

2) Loyalty

3) Compassion

4) Empathy

5) Sense of humor

[Jetta]

Kind

Reliable

Loving

Driven

Believes in God

[goodguy81]

attractive

independent

intelligent

honest/loyal

passionate

[Whathappened1607307853]

1. Doesn't make lists of what they look for in a partner.

2. .........hmmmm, that's all I could think of..

 

 

Haha.. best post in this thread so far. Lists are unrealistic

[ColdHands...]

1. Intelligence - gotta have a minimum IQ.

2. Values - should have similar values to me and have a high level of integrity.

3. Character - have interests and hobbies that they can talk about and be open minded. Good sense of humour with a touch of silliness would be perfect.

4. Lady like - all about how she carries herself.

5. Cuddly -

[Konfetkette]

1. Gentleman

 

2. Substance/Education/Intelligence

 

3. Takes care of himself. I want a guy who cares about his health and looks as much as I do (because I feel good when I look good). Not saying he should buy $100 shoes. Proper fitting clothes and shoes can be found in very cheap stores too! He does not over eat. I don't! He keeps his face stubble free or has some shape to his facial hair... he does not just let it grow, LOL. I mean I shave my legs. He works out......I do!

 

4. He has no problems with commitments: he can express himself, tell me what he's happy about and what he's not so happy about. He won't just hold it inside FOREVER. If you ask "what's wrong?" because you can feel that something is bothering him about you/your relationship, he does not say "Nothing". ugh.

 

5. He does not do anything that he knows perfectly well will upset you. Aka.. he calls on time, and if he doesn't, he does not say "oh I forgot"

[bijoux27]

1) That I can see myself with him

2) That we have the same general views/beliefs

3) That we like each other physically

4) That I have a real desire to see him every single time (so it's not just the first-date butterflies that I'm relying on)

5) That I can learn from him

[somnambulist]

Whoa! What an awesome series of responses! Thank you so much, everyone. I'm really enjoying reading your replies; when I got back from work today, I was frankly (and happily) stunned to see that so many people had responded. I really appreciate it... Obviously, becoming a member of this forum was worth it! As a newbie, I feel like I've received a very warm welcome. Thank you.

 

I'll slowly respond to the most pertinent, controversial or thought-provoking comments, especially those that made me re-consider my own checklist. Let's begin with Timebandit's comment on infidelity:

 

If you are not willing to partner up with someone who has ever cheated, you dating pool is probably likely to diminish very rapidly. Of course, if a person has a pattern of cheating, he or she would be a no-go. But how are you going to find out if they have ever cheated on someone? (unless they tell you).

 

That's a really good point! Very few cheaters are actually going to come forth and let me know (how kind of them!) that they've cheated before. But, naive as it sounds, I believe that at least some things can be gleaned just from spending time with someone - which is what dating is good for. If I can see that this person takes commitment very seriously, has a very strong ethical nature and is very selective about their friends and the kind of company they hang out with, then it at least lessens the chances of their being a cheater. There are never any guarantees, of course, but I can do my best to assess things as I see them!

 

Now, of course, you'll ask: "How do you assess whether someone takes commitment seriously?" Again, there are no guarantees. But in my limited experience, the following mannerisms can be quite telling:

 

1) If the person either boasts or comfortably talks about the "notches" on their broomstick, then they're likely to be somewhat cavalier about intimacy, and might be cheaters. How much emphasis do they place on quantity rather than quality? That can tell me a lot about them.

 

2) If they tell me about the times they've gotten drunk and fooled around with strangers or random acquaintances, then they may be able to get drunk and fool around with strangers even after being in a committed relationship. (I realize that this is cutting the dating pool short, yet again, but I really am particular about this.) Basically, if I can see that this person has low impulse control and/or poor discipline, then they are more likely to be a cheater.

 

3) Sympathy or wishy-washy attitudes towards other people's cheating. Dead giveaway. Obviously, if they say things like, "He had to cheat - his girlfriend wasn't putting out!" or "Maybe she cheated because he wasn't really there for her emotionally," then I'm going to start thinking that this person can make excuses for themselves, too. Not good.

 

4) Does not have strong ethical beliefs, as in, I can see that they don't think a lot about what is right and wrong in many everyday situations, and are pretty comfortable with following their instincts, wherever they might lead. The more reflective and thoughtful a person is, the less likely they are to cheat - basically, someone who always thinks before they act is less likely to cheat out of carelessness. (Of course, they may cheat after thinking about it a lot, but fewer cheaters are like that! More forethought generally equals more self-control and more ethical scruples.)

 

5) Does not have much empathy for others they meet on a day-to-day basis. Someone who can only think of themselves and what they want is less likely to understand the pain that cheating can bring to their partners.

 

6) They're aren't selective about their close friends. For example, a person isn't selective if s/he is friends with anyone who goes against his/her own moral beliefs. So if after dating someone for some time, I find out that they have a friend who is a cheater and are still friends with them after finding out, even though they insist that they themselves are not okay with cheating, I'll... Well, I won't believe that. I'm not okay with cheating and none of my friends are, either. I'm not okay with promiscuity of any kind, actually, and neither are my friends - the quality of the company my date keeps can tell me a lot about them. If the friends they keep are of the serious sort, with committed relationships of their own and relatively few sexual misadventures, then I know that this person is likely to be of the same kind. But if their friends are frivolous, ethically "relaxed" or non-committal, then my date probably shares the same qualities. Birds of a feather flock together, and all that.

 

7) Someone to whom "dishonor is death." Sounds silly, huh? But I'm like that, and so are at least some of the people I know; they can't tolerate being called dishonorable, to the point that they can't even stand being dishonorable inside their own heads. If I can see that the person I'm dating has a strong sense of honor and integrity, then they are less likely to be cheaters; on the other hand, if they repeatedly shirk moral responsibility for their actions and are okay with falling short of their own moral thresholds, then cheating is a possibility.

 

How's that? These are a bunch of practical assessments that, while they may not root out all cheaters, at least lessen the probability of my ending up with one.

 

And you're right about the lessening of the dating pool, but frankly I'm not interested in that part of the dating pool anyway - the part that cheats or is okay with it when others do. I'd rather have a smaller pool of people I can actually end up with in the long-term, rather than a whole bunch of random people to "try on for size." Yes, perhaps I'm ridiculously selective - but I definitely know what I want and am at peace with it!

 

Thanks so much for inspiring debate on this oft-overlooked issue. No one can identify a cheater with 100% accuracy, but we've all got algorithms to help us at least approximate the quality of a person's moral fabric. You know, their ethical "thread count" - a high thread count is good news! And a low thread count is, er, bad.

 

The points I've listed above are part of my own anti-cheating algorithm. It may not be foolproof, but it's all I've got! Others are welcome to offer their algorithms as well, of course.

[somnambulist]

1. Doesn't make lists of what they look for in a partner.

2. .........hmmmm, that's all I could think of..

 

I definitely get where you're coming from! I didn't used to have lists, either... And I was of the belief that appreciating someone for who they were, rather than any pre-conceived restrictions of mine, was more important.

 

But after two heartbreaks, I started to realize that I didn't want to gamble with my heart anymore; I had to have some sort of process of elimination to rule out those people that it wouldn't work out with, anyway.

 

Think of it like this - if you're serious about your long-term financial security and are thinking of investing in the stock market, then you'll obviously do some research on which firms to invest in, and you'll have a "checklist" of qualities that will rule out bad investments. (Not that the firms are bad in and of themselves, but you can be sure that they won't give you the sort of return on your investment that you're looking for.)

 

Well, there's a similar sort of practicality when it comes to romance, as well. If you're serious about your long-term emotional security and are thinking of investing in someone emotionally, then it's also natural to have a checklist in mind. It's just practical... I did like to wing it, once, but now that I want to settle down for life, I've really started thinking about my basic requirements for long-term companionship.