sademma Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 hi For many of you NC has been a relatively simple thing to do (not meaning that in ANY derogatory way at all) but when my husband left me we HAD to stay in contact because of the kids... anyway.... i asked him yesterday if eh wanted to stay over for the night as i was going out adn i would stay at my mums. he accepted that and as he had the kids in the afternoon he brought them back here and stayed here while i popped out to get some bits, basically he was here from about 3 until i left at 7.30. which i had no problem with. it was REALLY hard but things are amicable between us and i felt ok doing that. while i was out we texted a little bit and is resulted in him asking if i wanted picking up s i didnt have to walk home, i accepted and came back to here and was going to get some bits then walk to my mums. so we ended up talking just about stuff really. nothing in particular. i asked him if he thought what we had as a family was worth fighting for, and if he thought so then he knew what he had to do.... went to mums. we hugged and just seemd quite close, he told me he really didnt get distant to me, he has thought about coming home, but nothing really more than that. i had sent him a text saying i hope one day there might be room in his heart for me. he also said he felt i was pressuring him, which to be fair i probably was. and it was the last thing i wanted to do. went to mums. came home this morning and he was a bit distant again, i said i felt angered by his sister constantly texting him every time she knows he is here, every time we try and start talking his phone beeps and its REALLY annoying. i said i felt she was interfering in our relationship and that i thought if something is said, it should be between us, no one else. he just said, she doesn’t annoy him, she’s just very overprotective of him. Anyway, he stuck around and we played with our son for a bit, we even went on the trampoline together and just generally had a laugh. i asked him if he meant what he said last night when he said he has thought about coming home, but he said "if you are asking me to come home, i cant" that was left at that, i said i just don’t understand if we are both so unhappy why are we apart.. He said he thinks things will go back to the way they were, but i KNOW they won’t. We ended up talking my son out to the park together (bad move, i know but my son gets very upset when one of us goes) thought i could handle it but it was REALLY hard. Ended up going off for a walk on my own while he was pushing Sammy on the swings. i had to go and view a house so he ended up dropping me at the house and waited in the car with Sammy while i looked. when i got back in the car we had to drive into town so i could collect mine as left it there last night, on the way i just started crying, it hit me again hugely that i have lost pretty much everything. My husband, my home, my dreams, my future. we parked and he just asked if i wanted him to take Sammy for 5 minutes round the shop, i just said yes, got in my car and absolutely sobbed my heart out. he knew i had been crying but when he came back we literally just said good bye to each other, he said goodbye to sammy and just stood and watched me drive away. Normally we hug goodbye but i just couldn’t do it tonight, i wish i had but i was just so upset. i sent him a text later saying I’m sorry for him seeing me upset it was just that everything got a bit much and as i had said i wont contact him unless its to do with the children now. he replied with "don’t apologise, you can contact me without it having to be about the kids" i simply replied. i cant and i wont, im sorry. im REALLY struggling now, i felt like we were getting somewhere last night now i feel he’s back to his "i know this is right" thing. im just very very hurt and needed to write down what had happened because i feel so god damn awful tonight. its going to be a very long evening and im still so so sad Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Stay strong hun. These awful things happen, and I know it must be even tougher because you have a kid together. What was his reason for splitting up with you. He probably doesnt know what he wants Im afraid. He may well not come back. you just have to stay strong, keep contact as minimal as possible and realise you do deserve to be loved and if it isnt by him you will be with someone else someday. Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 I really feel your pain ....... My husband, my home, my dreams, my future ........those are all really big things .... Just 2 short months ago (seems like 2 years though) I just lost everything myself home, dreams, animals (3) loved those little guys ......and of course the most important thing of all ......her the love of my life ......I miss her so everyday and think about her .....I really think that when the other person gets control, and someone normally does in a break up .......in a way they sort of use the power thing against you ..... Wow .... coming Home .....I would love to go home and I was the one who left. But I won't go unless I'm invited back because she misses me to. We don't speak like you guys, it sounds like he does want to be a decent person though .....why can't they just remember the 1000 great times and forget all that other small crap that keeps us out of each others arms ........ I hate it when they say ....I'm afraid it will go back to the way it was ....what a crock ......Hope you get better soon, i know the struggle I'm in the same boat .....and mine is sinking fast ......hang in there. You have your son to think about .....all I think about is ...well you really don't want to know .....its not good though ....the heart is a very vital organ and it should be protected at all costs.....and this cost everyone plenty in more ways then one. It sure broke my heart ........I'll never forget her. I hate complicated ......I love happy endings myself ..... Link to comment
Clabs Posted August 17, 2008 Share Posted August 17, 2008 Aw Emma - HUGS hun - sorry your evening is not so good. I know this is as hard as hell, but remember what I said - you need to back right off for the time being - don't pressurise him - don't push him. It might seem like you have lost everything right now, but at the end of the day you have your gorgeous children and you need to focus on them as much as you can - they WILL be a source of great comfort for you. We don't know what is going through his thick skull right now - maybe even he doesn't. I have to say though that you have to question someone who is so wishy washy about YOUR feelings. In the meantime, I think you should hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Having said that, the worst - that he walks away is NOT the end of your world. If he doesn't feel it - if he doesn't appreciate all your fantastic qualities, then that is his loss. He is not the only man on this earth. Take care hun - take it a day at a time - remember? Mark xx Link to comment
healthseeker Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Emma, He has got see his options change before he feels this as real. It is much more real for you because your options have changed. He can call in 5 minutes and have everything back as it was, and he knows it. I can feel your pain coming through...you are the first I check to see if posted. I am worried for you because I have been through similar pain myself. You know what? It is times like these that we discover that we have many "facets" of ourself that we do not know we even have. You have a lot more strength than you know. Tap into it and stay with it. And back way off so that your husband can really feel the change that you are experiencing. We'll be here... Link to comment
kuhl282000 Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 I love the red lips on the monkey above me ...... Link to comment
sademma Posted August 18, 2008 Author Share Posted August 18, 2008 hi guys, thank you so much for being here first of all... well had an interesting couple of days really... he’s still at his sisters, but its clear that i am apparently in a better place than he right now. because i have lost so much weight through all of this my wedding ring no longer fits my wedding finger and it is now on my middle finger, i did this the other day, and i have noticed the past couple of times him looking at my hand and looking very sad. i didn’t think anything of this until i realised what it was. Well he took his off after 4 bloody days, so bo**ocks to him for that! i also wrote him a letter, asking him to please get help for his depression, never begged him back once!!! Have to add, never told him i loved him or missed him. Just said that if he feels what we have is worth fighting for then he needs to let me know. gave him the letter when i dropped the kids off and told him it will be the last letter i ever write him. Also told him no response was needed. when he dropped the kids back this evening we ended up talking upstairs as he was looking for a book, then i said "Jamie, i know the hardest thing you ever did was walk out on your kids and i understand that" then he got really upset and started crying, i didn’t say it to upset him i was trying to empathise with him, tell him i understood but he said he had to go, as he went downstairs he was REALLY upset so i said, Jamie please don’t go like this, are you ok? He got quite angry with me and said " you don’t need to remind me of what i have done, i live with it everyday, i will regret it for the rest of my life" downstairs we talked a bit more nothing eventful. but he did say i said things i didn’t, i got upset saying, i never said those things. he said that everyday that i somehow remind him of what hes has done, but i don’t!!! in the end he did just say, look it was a misunderstanding im sorry i upset you. i just told him he should be sorry, i dont deserve to be treated in this way and that i have tried so hard to make things easy for him, i told him that i dont have to move out, but i am because it means he has somewhere to go. i told him that i have not deserved any of the treatment i have had from him, and if my love was not any good for him then it will be good for someone. i asked him why he was so angry with me all the time, he said he wasnt, he said he expects me to cut his clothes up or try and beat the crap out of him every time he comes here, i explained that he really doesnt know me that well, because that isnt the sort of thing i would do. he just said, i know. i said, maybe its true, maybe you hurt the ones you love the most, he didn’t say anything to this. Just looked down. as he left i just said to him " i mean it, if you feel what he have is worth the fight then fight for it" he just said, its not about whether its worth the fight its about what i feel is right" i told him i had found a website where they had explained that children are more damaged by divorce than people care to recognise, except in abusive relationships. he didnt really say anything. i felt so bad for making him cry so i did a bad thing..... i texted him saying i was sorry, basically one long convo by text later we resolved the argument by just talking. he felt i had not seen his point, but i felt i was being blamed for something that i have not done. i asked if he perhaps saw things that reminded him and he somehow felt it easier to blame me for him being angry that he has been reminded. i have not reminded him every time at all..... it is his imagination. the whole conversation was ended with me telling him to sleep well and that was it. so tomorrow he is at work, and wont see the kids tomorrow night, but he wants to see them Wednesday. i did explain that they might be in bed but he just said let him know if they are and he wont come round. i wish i could go NC it would be so much easier.... im not holding out false hope, i promise im not, but i honestly do not feel i have lost him completely yet. However, i AM still moving out into my own place and assuming i have lost him. it kind of feels weird because although i am still devastated and absolutely heartbroken, by no means any where near being over him, but i feel i am in a better place than him. he admits he still misses me and i think he misses the "family" but i feel i am ina good position now to do the LC and let him see what he really is missing now. hes going to be very lonely next week while his sister is away as im going to have plans made so his contact with the kids is limited, not in a bad way, but he cannot just expect us to be at his beck and call all the time. HE wanted to be a part time dad, that’s what he has got. I guess that last bit doesn’t sound fait, but if he left the kids then he surely doesn’t want to be a bigger part of their lives...? I don’t know... I'm not criticising anyone for doing this, my circumstances are to my situation, just need to make that clear before anyone gets me on this one!!! does that sound REALLY mean?????? xxxx Link to comment
John Bendix Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 The one comment that I seem to want to make is in regard to him being angry at you. Anger can easily be a defense mechanism to the pain that he seems to have inside of him. It makes it easier for him to cope with it. The anger is obviously displaced onto you. As far as his persception that you constantly remind him that he chose to leave, it is his way of coping with the same pain. The pain thatseems to be dominating his actions. He may percieve that you are doing this everytime he sees you or talks to you. He may very well feel that you have every right to do so and thus have a reaction to this even if it is an image in his own mind. My Irish grandmother always said, "Guilty conscience needs no accuser". Link to comment
sademma Posted August 18, 2008 Author Share Posted August 18, 2008 thank you for putting what i was trying to say into proper words John!!! He has a lot of anger since his father died, but i rarely saw this anger, he was NEVER physically abusive to me. but he did sometimes lose his temper and break some chairs and other things. he never used to have a temper. he was always such a placid person. I do know he feels incredibly guilty for what he has done, but as i have said to him, it doesnt make it any easier to deal with. i just hope he really does look back one day and realise i wasnt as bad as he thought i was and his guilt and anger and whatever it is he is still carrying was actually the cause of what he did. The best thing i am doing now is contact only to do with the children. like everyone says, he needs to deal with how life is REALLY going to be, for me its going to be fun, for him, very lonely,and quite sad in all honesty. i actually feel quite sorry for him.... i think im starting to move on. xx Link to comment
healthseeker Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 I love the red lips on the monkey above me ...... What monkey? Don't you think I'm pretty? Link to comment
healthseeker Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 Emma, I know I have said this before, but I still do not understand why you are moving. Yes, he needs a place to stay...then he should go find one...not you! And if he needs to sell the house...then you could still stay there while that is being done. Unless he is a real estate agent and needs to show it himself, then I can't see why this would be a problem. I think your children already know something stressful is happening (I have a 2 year old son, as well) and they are way smarter than we all know. It is not right to uproot them at this time. They are already going through enough. Just my opinion. I am glad that you finally are going to contact just over the kids. It seems that you keep making this plan and then something else happens. He probably sees that too. I am glad that you are feeling better. Please stay with this strength and know that you have more inside. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 sademma, Sorry to say but he may never reach the realization that what he did and does is what is causing his pain. If he is depressed, only he can do something about it but he has to want help. Problem is that those with some form of clinical depression are not capable of recognizing they have an illness becasue of it. It is a sad Catch-22 situation. He could easily, in his state of mind, keep on going down the road of diverting his cupability for his actions on you, his next relationship, his job, luck, etc. It is a learned way, though dysfunctional, of coping with the world. As you have seen, here is no way to shock someone into seeing their actions and reactions. In fact it most often sends them deeper into denial. We all do it only to differing degrees. His way has radically altered his life and those around him. Link to comment
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