I waited until he had taken the kids out one day then i moped about the house.
Then i grabbed a pen and wrote........6 pages of stuff i wanted to say, i never begged him to come back. i told him i should have trusted him, i knew he never cheated on me. i told him i have learnt a lot about myself and i will carry that with me to any relationship i ever have, although i didnt show it very well i always respected him.
i told him that i remember the good times and stilll smile about them now, that i have a lot of regrets but marrying him was not one of them. our wedding day and the day our son and daughter were born were incredibly special to me and i will always remember them.
i told him i would not wait for him forever, but he knows im right here if he needs me.
Told him i was always proud of him and he was a fantastic father.
i literally just wrote, i didnt go back and add anything, i didnt rub anything out.
i re-read the letter 4 times and decided i had said everything i needed to say, everything that i never got to say the day he walked out, or all the times after when i saw him.
i told him i would have done anythign for him, but im changing and im changing for me. no-one else. i will be independent again.
i signed off with "im not going to bother saying all the stuff about ill always be here because you know it now. but what i will say is that i love you with all of my heart."
he read it and it made him sad. i didnt write it to make him sad, i wrote it for me. but i never told him that, and probably never will. i hope he keeps the letter and one day reads it again. maybe he will be with me when he does, maybe he will be with someone else. the thought hurts of him being with someone else but i dont think about that now. i try not to.
we dont know what the future holds. do we.......
but somewhere theres a tiny glimmer of hope, and i need that right now...im not letting that go just yet......
xx
